just another day

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happyvel
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 24
   Posted 10/1/2008 8:34 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello everyone. My first day of work was good. I think what I really need is to be outside of house. I will be working full time and on evening shift, from 3-11:30 at night. I'm excited about starting it. But, yet I feel scared too. 6 more days and I go to the doctor. confused   I'm going to talk to him or her about everyhting that is going on and praying that it all works out and that I get the help I need. I'm tired of feeling the way I do. I'm tired of the shaking inside and the down moods I get. Jason and I had an agrument this evening that really ripped me apart. And, it was something stupid. I know he is just really trying to help. And, I push him away. Because, I don't want to be hurt any more. I'm tired of that. I have been through the hurting all my life and I don't want to go through that again. mad
 
I come here everyday and read what everyone post. Sometimes I post back or I just read what you all say and then just sit and think about it all. I feel so toren at times, I'm not sure how i'm suppose to think or what to do. It drives me nuts. And I know that i'm going to hear or read rather. "stop the stinking thinkin'. " LOL thanks I do need to hear that every chance you can tell me. I do have alot of that. And I have alot of self doubt. Its there and always has been. But, I'm working on it and I'm working on me. In less then 2 months I'm getting married to the most wonderful guy that a gal could ask for. And, I know sometimes it scares me on how he treats me and how he makes me feel. He is always there for me when I need him the most. I could not ask for more. And I know that I some times make him feel sad and upset, on the way I treat myself. And, I'm sorry Jason. I can say that till I'm blue in the face and the world ends. But it will not make the quilt I feel for hurting you like that. I'm very sorry. It will take time for me to come to terms with that your not like everyone else in my life and that you will not hurt me on purposes. I thank you for the love you give me and the understanding that you try and make me feel. tongue   I love you and always will. (and you all wondering why i'm typing that here?, well the fact is he is reading what i'm typing and I just want him to know, some times I just can't put things into words till I wrote them or type them).
 
Sometimes its not easy saying your sorry or understanding why you are sorry. But, living through this disease is sometimes the hardest thing to do. You do have anxiety and you do have panic attacks. And, sometimes you can't control what happens and you can't control your mind. But, living through it and making the best choices and coming to understand no matter what there is help out there for you and there is someone that is going to be there. This disease doesn't stop and asked who am i going to take today. It just steps in and takes you.
I want to say thank you all out there. For your kind words and your understanding that we all need to vent at sometimes and we all have things we just need to type or write and let others that is going through it to just give us words of kindness or words of understanding.
I love you guys like family and I'm here for you if you need me. Take care and God bless
"Always look on the positive side," " You're not at a dead end; you're simply at a crossroads. It's up to you to choose your route."
God Bless Vel


nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 10/1/2008 8:49 PM (GMT -7)   
happyvel,
So glad your first day of work was so positive. My hat off to you sweetie! :-)
You say that Jason is your greatest support. You also said that you are scared about the way Jason treats you and makes you feel. I am concerned. Why does this make you scared? Please don't let the guilt take over you okay. It is wasted time.
There is no need to say sorry sweetie, you did not ask for this, anxiety disorder is not WHO we are it is a part of us. So no more guilt okay nono
You are one of our family now, so please keep us updated. We support you 100%
Meg
Co-moderator Anxiety/Panic
Panic Attack Survivor
Weekend Warrior Princess
 


happyvel
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 24
   Posted 10/1/2008 8:56 PM (GMT -7)   
Meg,

When I said what I did about Jason; is I feel so much love when he looks at me. And the feelings of joy and understanding comes rushing through my heart. I have never felt that before in my 37 yrs. And that is what is scarying me. So how do I control that. And thanks for your support and your understanding.

Vel
"Always look on the positive side," " You're not at a dead end; you're simply at a crossroads. It's up to you to choose your route."
God Bless Vel


nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 10/2/2008 3:33 AM (GMT -7)   
Sweet Vel
 
Your Jason sounds like a beautiful soul. Please do not feel that you don't deserve the love he gives you. Truly you are an amazing person to have recovered through this and still seek out help. Put the fear aside and know we are here to support you no matter what.
 
Meg
 
 
Co-moderator Anxiety/Panic
Panic Attack Survivor
Weekend Warrior Princess
 


happyvel
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 24
   Posted 10/2/2008 10:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Meg,
Thanks for being so supportive and being here for me. God Bless you

Vel
"Always look on the positive side," " You're not at a dead end; you're simply at a crossroads. It's up to you to choose your route."
God Bless Vel


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 10/2/2008 12:35 PM (GMT -7)   

Vel,

Guilt is a wasted emotion so toss it in the trash.  You deserve happiness.  You deserve to have a job you like.  You are a warm and caring person so love yourself - accept yourself - forgive yourself.

Think positive thoughts, leaving no room for failure idea

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to.

Be happy and take care of you.

Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
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percycat
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 1952
   Posted 10/2/2008 7:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Vel,

That is great news that you feel good about your job and about getting out and about. It's also wonderful that you have such a great guy like Jason in your life. Try to shut out the guilt - it's a really nasty little trick of anxiety's to make us even more freaked out. The folks in our lives who love us, love us just as we are. They understand that sometimes we're not at our best, but they love us anyway, and that's something to feel glad about more than guilty.

I'll bet the wedding plans are making you more jumpy than usual, too, with lots of activity going on and a faster pace of life for a bit. In another post, someone (I think Marie-Claire) was talking about keeping a gratitude journal. That sounds like a really nice idea to me, and a way to keep the positive things about life in the forefront, with less room to dwell on the negatives or things we fear we've failed at. I'll bet Jason would be the number one thing in your gratitude journal!

percycat
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