Hello everyone, I'm new here. I've been looking for a place where I can find people who I can relate to, and I came across here. I really like the site so far, it seems like the people here are close with one another since we can relate to one another and we understand each other.
I've been having this problem for about
four months now. I'm not going to get into the whole story, as it's so long that I would end up writing a novel, but I'll just cover the basics. I joined an art website two years ago to display my writings and poetry. I wasn't looking for friends at the time, just critiques and to view other people's work. Well after awhile we ended up having conversations, and before you know it I made some very good friends. I met this boy on this website, and we both had writing and the love of languages in common. He was from South America, so he spoke Spanish of course. I'm a Spanish major, and I thought it would be cool to talk to someone who's spoken the language all his life. We ended up talking about
that, and then we just started telling each other our personal lives. I didn't think twice about
it - he seemed to understand, even been through similar experiences like me, and I just was all, well I'm never going to meet the guy so why not tell him this.
Junior year I was having some issues with my cheerleading squad. My coach mistreated me, not only by trying to get me to quit by putting me on the JV squad with five other freshmen, but just picking on me and insulting me during practices. I posted this long journal entry on the art site, and he was the most supportive one there for me. We exchanged MSN addresses, and we ended up talking every night for hours. Then something weird happened...I started to feel an attraction for the guy. And then one night, it was November 1, 2006...he told me he loved me. And it just drew me in. I was like, I love you too...and we then began to talk about
how to meet.
I had to keep this a secret from my parents. They would hate me being in an online relationship. The first few weeks of the relationship were great - I'll admit I had never been happier in my life. Romance has always intrigued me, ever since I was a little girl, and I was just amazed that now I could really feel it. Well, after those few weeks he started shoving all his problems on me. I didn't mind, but whenever I tried to help he'd blow off my advise, saying I didn't know better.
Then December 15th, I couldn't take the secret anymore and confessed everything to my parents. For a week we went without contact. Finally I emailed him when it was safe. Ever since then, things fell downhill...there'd be some ups, but mostly negative. But I told myself that I had to stay with him, because I'd be happier with him than without him. Then this other guy came along. He was a year older than me, and he thought I was cute, so he asked me on a date. I felt guilty since I was with the South American boy at the time, but I wanted to be nice, and told him that we could just hang out, though I wasn't calling it a date. So we hung out. A week later, this boy and I were texting till one in the morning, me trying to tell him that I was in love with someone else, and he telling me that he was in love with me and that he'd die for me and that I was the greatest girl he'd ever met. All this, after a week of knowing me. It scared me a lot. I couldn't take it. I thought that this boy would be after me the rest of my life. I couldn't take it.
A week later, he takes me out to the Spiderman movie. I decided to go, since I was interested in seeing the movie. The next day though, it was a Saturday, things just fell apart...I had a severe manic attack, I was screaming for an hour and I didn't know why, and I even had a hallucination. My mom ended up calling the police cuz she didn't know what to do. They handcuffed me, I had never been so scared in my life, and took me to the hospital and I was in a teen mental hospital for a week. Then I was an outpatient for a month. I missed the rest of my junior year, and prom, which this boy had asked me to go with him. When I was finally free, this boy ignored me and never called me again. It took me all summer to work off the missed schoolwork.
But then, the South American boy who knew everything...suddenly told me he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me anymore. He said he wanted to date other girls. I told him that then I would date other boys. Then he told me that I wasn't allowed to date other people, only he was. And then, one day when we were talking, it was about
my looks or something, I don't remember what, it was something minor like getting highlights or something...he just told me that I was ugly. It shattered me. I haven't felt the same about
my appearance since. Then he called me fat too, which shocked me, since I'm not fat at all. I felt awful and was in tears, and then he told me he was sorry and that he loved me.
This kept happening and happening. The insults were more and more and some conversations would just be all insults. He called me everything you can call a girl and then some. But he always said he was sorry and that he loved me.
This boy also had mastered the art of manipulation. During our first few weeks together he told me to get emancipated from my parents and to give up my US citizenship so I could live with him. I thought I was so in love that I really wanted to do it. He also wanted me to convert from Protestantism to Catholicism. My mom was a Catholic to Protestant convert, and he told me that because of that she was condemned to hell. He told me I would go to hell if I would not convert. He also convinced me that the US government was corrupt and would fall, and that the South American countries would become the new world power. And I believed EVERYTHING, because he told me he loved me and that he'd do anything for me.
New Year's eve of 2007 was his insults at his worst. He threatened to break up with me, threatened to screw me over, it was awful. That night I knew I had to break up with him. I did it on January 2nd. At the time I was also in contact with a guy from Mexico. To get back at this boy, I got together with the Mexican. But then I convinced myself that I loved the Mexican. But then at the same time I fell for the other boy too again...it was a sick love triangle. The Mexican sexually harassed me very strongly--once he told me that when he met me he'd **** me so hard the neighbors would think he's strangling me. But he said very nice things to me. At first it was funny, and a joke--but then he took it too far. Our relationship lasted two months. He broke up with me, saying that I wasn't worth waiting for, and quit talking to me. Then I sort of unofficially got back together with the other guy.
I called him every day, three times a day--he said he gave me all his support. But when I got back the insults were crazy. He called me stupid and selfish, and everything. I couldn't take it anymore. One night my friend convinced me that he was destroying me. It was like I
opened my eyes for the first time in two years. I knew I had to get rid of him. I used this messed up plan to get rid of him, but he caught me in the act. For three more long weeks he verbally abused me even more, until one night I was like, I have to get rid of this guy. I told him I was done talking to him forever, and then I shut him out of my life.
Now, you'd think that I've let him go, he'd leave...but then these nightmares started happening. I'd dream that he'd come to my house one night while my family was home, and he and a bunch of asassains would come in the house, grab me, hold a gun to my head, and tourcherd and shot my family right in front of me. Then when they were all dead, they'd leave, saying to me "You have to live through this...you have to live through this!" In the dream I know they meant that it was my fault they were dead, because I started talking to this boy.
The nightmares got more and more frequent, and now I dream about
then pretty much every night. They're very vivid too--I wake up sometimes shaking, sweating, thinking they're real, and that my family really is dead. It takes a few minutes to sink in that it was all a dream. I've tried everything to stop this--talking to my mom about
it, my counselor, listening to calm music before sleeping...nothing seems to work. I'm scared to sleep now. And sometimes I get these images in my head when I'm awake, too. I'll start shaking or my vision will get blurry for a few moments. It scares me. Especially when it happens when I'm driving.
I want more than anything for these nightmares to go away forever. My life is finally getting under control--I've just started college, I'm no longer suicidal or hurting myself, yet these nightmares are holding me back.
I know this story may sound like a bunch of crap, but it's just...the way it made me feel...it messed me up so bad. I almost died because of this guy. He caused me so many mental problems. And being a naive sixteen year old girl when it started, of course I'd fall for it. And even when I got more mature two years later, I felt so brainwashed that it still felt real.
I might see a hypnotist about
this, but I want to know what you might think on how I can deal with this. It's caused me so much anxiety, and I just want it to go away. I apologize for the length of this--this really is the short version of it though. I've had to cut out so much to make this as short as possible.
1. No discussion of any illegal activity or threats of violence. (ie. illicit drug use, including medical marijuana use, threats of suicide or self-injury, or threatened or intended physical harm). Discussions of suicide or self-harm that are deemed negative and therefore potentially injurious to others are also not permitted.
Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 10/8/2008 4:29:26 PM (GMT-6)