Sorry to bother you all again with mental trouble :(

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Paulos
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 201
   Posted 10/9/2008 11:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi all, I'm real sorry I keep pestering you but I feel like... if I don't start getting myself fixed up I'm going to be doomed forever. I'd like to share a part of my journal with you all and see if it looks like I'm going crazy or not Ahem... here we are...

"2:40pm... I think it was about 36 hours since I had last
showered... yeah about that, so therefore I got
showered/washed. I may have to start getting washed
everyday because I'm making myself crazy in regards
to how many hours was it since I last got washed
when, here, now, and so on etc... it does drive me
insane. I am feeling blank minded and confused, I feel
I can have lots of fun doing things but I'm not doing
them properly and as I already wrote in the journal I
just noticed, everything has to be rushed... I'm more
impatient and irritated than usual, realizing my faults
even more than ever, I am very concerned and
confused about my mental well being at this point. I
just don't know what to do, and my DREAMS are out of
this world, too much stupid CRAP... I can't afford to be
caught off guard, I am no longer comfortable in things I
do because I usually narrated what I did and now I
can't really put it into words orally or in the computer
like I used to... and I realized another reason I could
be feeling overwhelmed is because currently I'm
involved in a lot of games which are... Neopets *also
REBUILDING the account which is emotionally tough
but I'm doing it*, Final Fantasy Tactics on the PSP
which is a surprise that I'm doing but I am because I
love FFT, Heroes of Might and Magic III that I've been
doing almost for 2 whole months now, uhh... oh yes
and of course SHINING FORCE II which is such a blast
from the past, having to organize my troops, the new
promotion system and all this crap it makes me just a
bit... crappy feeling like things are expected of me by
MYSELF and I can't overcome them... when I DO it
right, I just don't do it correctly... I feel stupid,
worthless and pitiful and I wouldn't survive a day out
in the real world alone. It's like the Zoloft is really
breaking down on my depression which is great, but
my ANXIETY is higher than usual, heart palpitations,
nervousness, fear something is going to go wrong, hot
flashes/sweatiness, and BAD headaches... and of
course horrible memory. Man... I don't know what to
do."

Well... just thought I'd share a little bit with you all, I don't know what it'll do or what... dam just made a typo, see what I mean I'm doing terrible I'm horrible... uhh... there's so much I have to say too... I just can't get it out... I feel so ... wrong.
"Make a joke and I will sigh, and you will laugh and I will cry. Happiness I cannot feel, and love to me is so unreal."-Loony from Rings of Power


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 10/9/2008 1:32 PM (GMT -7)   

Paul,

Do you live alone and  have a social worker that checks up on you, comes to your home to see if you are able to take care of yourself?

Perhaps the Zoloft dose could be increased or an antianxiety drug added.

It feels to me like you are living in your computer with all the games. It is almost like you are the person in the computer whose role you are playing.  Does that make sense.? You are caught up in the games and they are becoming your reality.

Please see your counselor, I worry about you.

Thank you for trusting us to read your journal.

Take care
Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


Paulos
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 201
   Posted 10/9/2008 9:30 PM (GMT -7)   
Hmm... I've played video games for years, years and years... it's brought me happiness, I don't use games to escape... I don't do well in real life however. The games are a challenge to me even though I've played them before and I know I do them too much but the fact is that's what makes me happy... but I want to know why I'm not doing them as well as I used to, or anything good in that matter... jeez I don't know anymore, I feel like I'm at the end of my rope and there's no medicine for what I have... I went outside today and suffered a brutal headache, had to take a rest too... I read the funny papers as well... and tv well... those things make me feel insecure because I feel stupid :( so you see... the things I do for happiness or new things or whatever it is... I feel too much of a loser either way. No I live with my mother, I am self sufficient/efficient in taking care of myself... just I got problems/issues... I can't win this battle.
"Make a joke and I will sigh, and you will laugh and I will cry. Happiness I cannot feel, and love to me is so unreal."-Loony from Rings of Power


nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 10/9/2008 10:36 PM (GMT -7)   

Paulos,

Please don't put yourself down like that. You are not stupid. I've got an post grad honours degree from a great uni and I sometimes scratch my head at the funnies. And don't ask me how to add up numbers. It would make your hair stand on end smhair the things I come up with!! We all have our strengths and our weaknesses. It's all about accepting them. I'm back studying again now I'm an old fogey and I make all the young kids laugh when I ask what a jpg is!

If these games make you feel happy/interactive then go for it. Just don't forget about the world outside of all of that. I worry about you too sweetie. You are so young, and I know you will get through this. Just take baby steps and don't be afraid to ask for help. Ever.

Meg


Co-moderator Anxiety/Panic
Panic Attack Survivor
 


armyvet&wife
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 10/11/2008 2:53 PM (GMT -7)   
Paulos,
 
 
   I feel the pain, I know what it is like to feel so alone, different and yes sometimes stupid, but just keep in mind
that the negative things  you say to yourself are only going to make things worse. Just curious which meds are you on and if
you have any family, or friends to talk too. I know for me, feeling isolated makes me feel awful. smurf   taking joy in those lil things like
a video game or movie shows you that you are not completely in the dark - as far the heart palps, I hate those....... mad
so I know... hope things get better until then feel free to chat wit me or anyone else.
 
 
 

ArmyVet&Wife
 
Dx: Panic Disorder,Anxiety, Depression, PVC's (Heart)
Rx: Lexapro 10mg-Klonopin .5-1mg as needed
 
 


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 10/11/2008 5:19 PM (GMT -7)   

Paul,

Hey there, You are not a loser or stupid or any of those things.  Stop for a minute and think  about this, it is "stikin thinkin".  Kick it to the curb, turn that nasty thinking around and start working on getting better.

I do not mean to sound judgemental or mean but picturing you unhappy daily is very sad when I know you have the tools and skills to work your way out of this kind of thinkin.

Take time away from one of your games and try this CBT therapy.  It is free and it is online.

CBT

The MoodGym Training Program

http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/

You have to set aside the time to just do this and see if it does not help you.

Please try the CBT.


 


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


percycat
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 1952
   Posted 10/11/2008 8:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Paul,

Thank you for trusting us enough to share your journal. It sounds really familiar to me, both from my own days being depressed, and from trying to help some of my friends through their depression. The note really caring about bathing - but not letting it go too long either - feeling like you don't derive pleasure from things you used to, or feeling that you could do so many things that might feel better or make you feel worthwhile - and then just somehow not being able to come up with the energy to do them.

You say you feel the Zoloft is working well for your depression but not anxiety, and I know you've tried very hard to limit you use of medications. What does your doctor say about them?

I don't think you're a loser; I think you're stuck in that awful, low place that depression drags us into - and anxiety just compounds the problem. I wonder if choosing a small goal for yourself would help. When you were first working to cut out drinking, you had something concrete to focus on, and work toward, and while it was hard, you could also count up each day as a success in beating it. Is there a new goal - even a very little one - that you could take on, that would help you have that daily reminder that you can succeed at things, and that you are strong and successful?

Love,
percycat

Paulos
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 201
   Posted 10/13/2008 2:00 AM (GMT -7)   
I see my doctor tomorrow, thank you all for your kind replies, but everyday that goes by... I begin to lose more hope, spirit and vitality in this battle... I don't know how much longer I'm going to last. I wanted to say to all of you thank you for caring enough to help me. I will ask help whenever I need it if you all don't mind as you said, thank you... it's just ... once things keep getting worse everyday you really begin to wonder ... if there is such a thing as true victory.
"Make a joke and I will sigh, and you will laugh and I will cry. Happiness I cannot feel, and love to me is so unreal."-Loony from Rings of Power


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 10/13/2008 3:09 AM (GMT -7)   
Paul
Everyone has said it
YOU are not a bad person and no you are not going crazy
YOU would not know it if you were actually

YOU have made alot of progress

Count the steps you have taken not the ones you feel you will never make cuz you will do it my friend

.....LYN


  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety/Panic,Fibro & Other DD
                                    Donate at  www.healingwell.com
 
Moderator @ Alzheimer's,Co Mod @ Anxiety/ Panic,Co Mod @ Crohns 
 
                                    FIGHT the FIGHT with all YOU HAVE
               Look For The GOOD,Even At Your Lowest
 
     Listen To Your Heart,Look Inside Yourself,Understand You
 
 
 
                    


Paulos
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 201
   Posted 10/15/2008 1:30 PM (GMT -7)   
:( I'm scared everyone.
"Make a joke and I will sigh, and you will laugh and I will cry. Happiness I cannot feel, and love to me is so unreal."-Loony from Rings of Power


Buddha443556
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 293
   Posted 10/15/2008 4:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Of what my friend?

Post Edited (Buddha443556) : 10/15/2008 5:19:51 PM (GMT-6)


nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 10/15/2008 10:33 PM (GMT -7)   

What is wrong Paulos, talk to us please. I worry about you. You know you can trust us. Email me if you want to keep it private.

Hugs,

Meg


Co-moderator Anxiety/Panic
Panic Attack Survivor
 


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 10/16/2008 6:59 AM (GMT -7)   

Good Morning Paul,

Did you kick the "scared feelings" to the curb.  I understand scared.  Everytime I start to slide backwards I get "scared" that I will not have the strength to climb back up.

You make sure you talk very seriously with your Doc today re your fears and all you negative thoughts.  We have to get you on the high road my friend.

WE care for you so march into the Doctors and say it like it is...........Hey if you break in his office that is ok too.

Hugs to you my friend

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


Buddha443556
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 293
   Posted 10/16/2008 10:44 AM (GMT -7)   
Come on Paulos, spill it.

I finally figured out your signature. It had me confused, it's a lyric from Black Babbath's "Paraniod" but I couldn't figure out who Loony was? Though it did seem a fitting name for Ozzy. Now I get it Loony is from the Rings of Power Game! That has to be a cool game to be quoting lyrics from Black Sabbath. Which has given me an idea for a new thread!
You must do the things you think you cannot do. -- Eleanor Roosevelt


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 10/16/2008 10:49 AM (GMT -7)   

Hey Paul,

We are waiting to here from you today so let us know your ok after you Doctors apointment.

Hugs
Kitt


nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 10/16/2008 6:10 PM (GMT -7)   

Paulos,

know that we are thinking about you and care about you. You're part of our HW family.

Meg


Co-moderator Anxiety/Panic
Panic Attack Survivor
 


Buddha443556
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 293
   Posted 10/17/2008 6:05 PM (GMT -7)   
BUMP!!

Paulos you ok?
You must do the things you think you cannot do. -- Eleanor Roosevelt

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