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Mazfire
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1683
   Posted 11/3/2008 10:44 PM (GMT -7)   
My A/P began at 10, and went undiagnosed until 14, when i had a nervous breakdown. as a 14yr old, this was traumatic for not only me, but for my young friends, who didnt know how to help, or what to say, because just like me, they didnt know what was wrong and why i was terrified of everything, bordering on hysteria. my school counsellor rang my parents and had me picked up-i didnt go back for 3mths as i went through some of the darkest moments of my life.
 
my 2nd day at home, practically catatonic, i saw a car drive up my driveway. it was my best friends mother, and she came bearing a gift. my friend sarah was pretty and popular and awesome. she struggled academically, particularly with literacy and dyslexia but very few people noticed because she was just so charismatic. she had been with me, and watched me slowly disintergrate at school- she knew something was wrong, but didnt know what.
 
her mum hugged me, said a quick prayer and handed me a rolled up scrolled, tied with ribbon. sarah had sent me this scroll via her mum, because she wasnt sure if i was up to visitors and wasnt sure she would say the right thing- i mean this was daunting in yr8.
 
After sarah's mum left, i opened the scroll- painted gold, with flecks of glitter and a fairy etched into the right hand corner. on this piece of paper was a poem sarah wrote for me. i have moved alot since then, and it ALWAYS takes pride of place in my room. someone who hated writing, reading, poetry etc, had put her feelings for me into a poem, something she knew i would appreciate. the poem is simple, the sentiment is strong. she was extremely perceptive for a 14yr old who was freaked out about her best friends mental health.
 
Here is the poem.
 
'For You'
 
Dying on the inside,
smile is all i see
hoping this will come and go,
hoping for release.
 
Two seperate lives you live;
one of work and one of play.
I question about another one,
number three, which leads you astray.
 
Panic stricken, thrashing tears
dying hopes, many fears.
 
A day to let this go would be
the day to be free;
the third life gone- found another home.
 
 
Its crumpled and creased and torn but i have kept that piece of paper, all pretty and gold for over 14 years to remind me that people may not always understand, but they will always try, and love me regardless. my closest friends had got together during my absence from school and researched Panic Disorder on the net so they would have an idea of what i was facing. how awesome for a bunch of barely teenagers to care enough. i will never forget sarah's impeccable timing and the words she wrote so long ago. the way she saw my life in 3 seperate parts- the facade, the mask, the pain i hid, the panic that taunted me. I dont have many positive memories from that period of my life, so its lovely that i do have this one, a tangible reminder.
Im blessed.
Maz XX
 
'He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.' (Psalm 147:3)
Chronic Fatigue, Fibromyalgia, TMJ disorder, Endometriosis, Polycystic Ovaries, Chronic ear/nose/throat infections, Panic Disorder, Reactive Arthritis, Agoraphobia, Migraines, GERD, Anaemia, Sinusitis, Chronically perforated eardrums, Pinched Nerves, IBS, Tachycardia, Allergies, Insomnia, Trichotilomania, Glandular Fever, Bursitis, Encapsulitis, Seasonal Mood  Disorder, Mild OCD.
Meds: Zoloft 150mg. Xanax 4mg. Nexium. Celebrex. Mobic. Panadeine Forte. Digesic.
Multiple surgeries- I bear the scars of my poor physical health.
Age:28. First diagnosed at 14. Proud Aussie. XX.
 
 


Green Grove
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 2424
   Posted 11/3/2008 11:46 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Maz :)

You made me cry. . . That story is very touching. Are you a writer? If not, you should be, because you definitely have a way with words. It's not an easy thing to make me weepy :) Are you still in touch with your friend? Anyway, I'll let you be. I just answered your post in the fibro forum, and I know you are hurting bad right now. Get to feeling better:)
Much Love, Hugs, Peace & Comfort :)
Sam
 
God Bless Each & Every One Of You :)


Mazfire
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1683
   Posted 11/3/2008 11:53 PM (GMT -7)   

hi Sam, im an english teacher, but ive also had a couple of papers published in journals etc. i love writing, its a passion- thats why that gift of a poem was so particularly poignant- she reached out to me in a form she knew would touch me deeply at a time that i was beyond fragile. her careful, gentle words and delicate sense of timing still astound me. yes, we are still in touch, adults now, although she moved to the U.S a few years back (im in sydney) and she's having a rough time with a custody battle at the moment, ive written and sent her a poem that i hope can help heal her heart the way she did for me when we were kids.

 

Blessings

Maz XX


'He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.' (Psalm 147:3)
Chronic Fatigue, Fibromyalgia, TMJ disorder, Endometriosis, Polycystic Ovaries, Chronic ear/nose/throat infections, Panic Disorder, Reactive Arthritis, Agoraphobia, Migraines, GERD, Anaemia, Sinusitis, Chronically perforated eardrums, Pinched Nerves, IBS, Tachycardia, Allergies, Insomnia, Trichotilomania, Glandular Fever, Bursitis, Encapsulitis, Seasonal Mood  Disorder, Mild OCD.
Meds: Zoloft 150mg. Xanax 4mg. Nexium. Celebrex. Mobic. Panadeine Forte. Digesic.
Multiple surgeries- I bear the scars of my poor physical health.
Age:28. First diagnosed at 14. Proud Aussie. XX.
 
 


badfish
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 393
   Posted 11/4/2008 5:43 AM (GMT -7)   
V. touching poem guess every1 can relate to tht :P Hope things work out for your friend Maz

Badfish
 


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 11/4/2008 8:09 AM (GMT -7)   

Maz,

What an uplifting post that was. Yes there are people that love you unconditionally and this was your friend.  She cared enough to know you were in a bad place and wanted to let you know.

What a wonderful gift she gave to you that day.  (((((HUGS)))))) to you .

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
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TeacherBetsy
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 11/4/2008 11:47 AM (GMT -7)   
What a wonderful gift, Maz... thanks for sharing it with us.
Dx Crohn's Disease 1996
Have taken Prednisone, Pentasa, Rowasa, and Asacol
Currently on Asacol 2400 mg daily to manage remission
 
 


nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 11/4/2008 4:26 PM (GMT -7)   

Maz,

Just **beautiful** I have an old hat box filled with letters/cards and poems given to my by friends and family over the years..but if I had one as special as that I would laminate it and carry it close to my heart. How blessed you are.

Meg


Co-moderator Anxiety/Panic
Panic Attack Survivor
 


TeacherBetsy
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 11/4/2008 5:25 PM (GMT -7)   
Meg, I also have a collection of letters, cards, and special remembrances... it's fun to go through them sometimes and remember special friends and family.

Maz, you are a very talented writer and I'm confident that Sarah will be touched by the poem that you've sent her as she works through her custody battle.
Dx Crohn's Disease 1996
Have taken Prednisone, Pentasa, Rowasa, and Asacol
Currently on Asacol 2400 mg daily to manage remission
 
 

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