The Weight of it all-

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Mazfire
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1683
   Posted 11/28/2008 2:10 PM (GMT -7)   
I recently bumped into a friend I had not seen in several years.

After exchanging basic pleasantries, the aforementioned person went on to say "Geez Maz, you REALLY let yourself go." I was also advised to "watch what you eat, Maz- and look into getting a personal trainer."

Really? Thankyou. Thankyou for pointing out that I have gained weight because I certainly had not noticed. Thankyou for pointing out the blatantly obvious, you ignoramus. (Also- I have not LET myself go- I have gained weight due to factors that are out of my control- antidepressants and physical illness)

Up until 21, I was blessed with the metabolism of a horse and ate accordingly, without ever concerning myself about weight gain.

After battling chronic illness for more years than I care to remember, I HAVE gained weight. Sickness and medication have made it hard to conform to the stereotype that society demands of me.

In high school I was teased for being underweight, and I was. I'm a tall girl who never wore more than a size 8. It was out of my control, I ate healthily and plentifully and still looked like a stick. Comments such as "why are you eating? we know you are just going to throw it up." peppered my high school lunch times.

Fast forward 10 years and I feel battered and bruised because I am no longer able to excercise due to arthritis and when I look in the mirror, I am not happy with the reflection.
I never gave a darn what others thought about me all those years. I was confident, strong willed, different.

Relationships have ended because (quote) "you are twice the girlfriend I began dating." (said to me after surgery, in my hospital bed- and I weighed 60kgs at 179cms- are you kidding me?) rolleyes rolleyes
I am acutely aware that my physical appearance has changed. I have mourned and grieved the loss of body confidence I had, but now lack with severity.
I often feel worthless because I am "curvy".

But this is wrong. What kind of message are we sending to teenage girls about appearance? I have students with eating disorders, students who self harm because they don't fit the criteria that the media has bombarded them with.

I will not apologise for gaining weight. I refuse to spend another minute concerned with my physical appearance. I should not have to justify my weight gain to anyone- yes medication and illness make it very difficult to lose weight but any people of value in my life will care for me regardless and realise I'm the same person I have always been.

I am smart, articulate and honest. I am creative, kind and thoughtful. I have strong morals and a personality I do not wish to change. I eat what I want. I'm no less worthy of happiness than when I was skinny.

If people can't see past that, it's their problem and not mine. Who knew that gaining extra kilograms would sideline you, sit you out, leave you to gain dust on the shelf?

You are darned if you are too skinny, darned if you are not. I have never experienced a happy medium. Yes my physical appearance has changed. And no, I don't always like it.

I recently had a student raise his hand in class. When I called on him, he said "Miss- you are built like a boy. You have NO butt. You don't even have a waist. Whats with that?"
Aren't children wonderful?

I am certain that my next relationship will not be built on superficiality. It will be based on a mutual respect for each other, with honesty, communication and lots of laughs. I will never again change who I am in the slightest to keep a guy happy.

If I lose weight- that would be nice. If my health was to improve, that would be great. At this point in time, I am a work in progress, far from perfection, deeply flawed, but a child of God, facing the demons of my past, looking forward to a brighter future also.
 
I know i am not the only person whose body has been changed by medication- just needed to get that off my chest and have a vent, cos boy was i angry.
 
"Curvy" Maz XX
            'He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.' (Psalm 147:3)                  
 
Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, CFS, Fibro, TMJ disorder, Endometriosis, PCOD, Chronic E.N.T infections, Reactive Arthritis, Sinusitis, IBS,  Allergies, Chemical/Noise/Light sensitivity, Trichotilomania, Seasonal Mood  Disorder, OCD.
Meds: Zoloft 150mg. Xanax 4mg. Celebrex. Mobic. Panadeine Forte. Digesic.
Multiple surgeries- I bear the scars of my poor physical health.
Age:28. First diagnosed at 14. Proud Aussie.
 
 


Green Grove
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 2424
   Posted 11/28/2008 2:51 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi, Maz :) Don't you just "love" people like that. . . I go through this constantly myself, and like you, it's not like I'm morbidly obese or even just sit and stuff my face like crazy. . . Just too many years being sick and the wonderful pills we are rx'd that have the many side effects. I get really tired of hearing about the weight issues myself, and I have recently dropped a lot of weight just by reforming the types of foods I eat, 'cause I'm not able to get out and exercise like I want. Even though I've been making progress, I still get it from those I have not seen in awhile. Anyway, one of the things I like about all of us on here, is that this place is not superficial, we are just us with no "visible" first impressions :) I know I personally just love your kindness and intelligence :) You are a very cool person, and to heck with everyone that wants to put you down. We are the types that have to love ourselves, and ignore the crazy people that have to put others down to make themselves feel worthwhile. Personally, I find those kinds of people very pathetic, and I pity them there misplaced lives. You take care of yourself Maz, and keep your chin up :)
Much Love, Hugs, Peace & Comfort :)
Sam
 


Mazfire
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1683
   Posted 11/28/2008 6:04 PM (GMT -7)   

Thanks Sam, its amazing how narrow minded people can be- especially when its a 'supposed' friend. Like you said, I too eat very carefully cos i cant excercise- im on a program where they deliver the calorie & portion controlled food to your house (it costs a pretty penny) but im losing a steady, consistent 1kg a week, so it is worth it. yeah im not morbidly obese either, i think its because i spent the majority of my life being underweight, that my weight gain seems more mammoth than it really is. it truly amazes me how many people have put their 2 cents in about my weight, they just come right out and say it, as if im not aware of it? its times like these i am grateful i have height on my side as it stretches the chubbiness out- im a hair under 6ft which i used to hate, but now embrace!

thanks as always for your kind words of support, my mind boggles that people will place SUCH a huge value on societal norms- they dont understand what it does to people- i teach many students (both male and female) who struggle with body image.

YOU are awesome- have a super relaxing weekend my friend,

Maz XX


            'He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.' (Psalm 147:3)                  
 
Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, CFS, Fibro, TMJ disorder, Endometriosis, PCOD, Chronic E.N.T infections, Reactive Arthritis, Sinusitis, IBS,  Allergies, Chemical/Noise/Light sensitivity, Trichotilomania, Seasonal Mood  Disorder, OCD.
Meds: Zoloft 150mg. Xanax 4mg. Celebrex. Mobic. Panadeine Forte. Digesic.
Multiple surgeries- I bear the scars of my poor physical health.
Age:28. First diagnosed at 14. Proud Aussie.
 
 


Georgie Girl
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 319
   Posted 11/28/2008 6:40 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Maz

I once saw a woman who I hadn't seen in years and she said, "You've put on weight".  (So glad she was there to tell me that, I hadn't noticed, ha!)  I wanted to say, "But you look just as witchy as you always did!

And oh the meds!   At tbe beginning of this year we started Biggest Loser at work and I'd lost 19 lbs when I had a period of anxiety that put me in the hospital, kind of out of my mind for two weeks and out of commision for five weeks.  I wouldn't eat or drink and I still lost only 3 more pounds.  Left the hospital on 5 different medications and since have gained back all 22 lbs plus 4 or 5.  It's sad to have to deal with the weight gain on top of the underlying emotional illness.

GG

 


Georgie Girl


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 11/29/2008 10:03 AM (GMT -7)   

Maz, My dear Friend,

You posted "I am acutely aware that my physical appearance has changed. I have mourned and grieved the loss of body confidence "  You have taken the words right out of my mouth.  sad

If only the world would look at the person and how wonderful they are instead of  only looking at the cover of the book.

AD's are notorious for putting on weight.  I have fought a weight problem all my life and now the AD's I started 2 years ago have added a nice 25 pounds and I have trouble leaving the house..........because as you I always run into some bimbo that thinks they have the right to make comments about how I look. I have tried to let it go, but it does cause me to feel very hurt and like a failure.  I know better but sometimes you just can't shut off the feelings.

You are beautiful my friend, hold your head up high.

Love

Kitt

 


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


Nanners
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 14995
   Posted 11/29/2008 10:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Aww honey, sorry you had to deal with such an ignorant person. I think the best you can do is ignore that ignorant poop head.

Big Hugs,
Gail *Nanners*
Been living with Crohn's Disease for 33 years.  Currently on Asacol, Prilosec, Estrace, Prinivil, Diltiazem, Percoset prn for pain, Zofran, Phenergan, Probiotics, and Calcium.  Resections in 2002 and 2005.  Also diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and Osteoarthritis. Currently my Crohns is in remission.


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 11/29/2008 3:44 PM (GMT -7)   
Nanners,
 
You have a way with words my dear lady.  LOL.  I agree, just poop on them!
 
Hugs
Kitt
 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 11/29/2008 5:22 PM (GMT -7)   

Maz!

Geepers, what a cruel frenemy that was. You are what you are. I battled anorexia for so many years...and looking like a skeleton did not make me happy..sure..morons appraised me for looking like a skelton but I was miserable.

Be curvy..laugh at all the lassies who pay for boobs!!! Dweebs! You are so beautiful and caring and I know you are gorgeous. Your friend was coming from her own place of insecurity..don't take it on. Let her go home and be miserable!!

Love, Meg


Co-moderator Anxiety/Panic
Panic Attack Survivor
 

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