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Mazfire
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1683
   Posted Today 2:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi- im struggling. As many of you know, im a high school teacher, 4 days a week. i cant handle 5 days a week as my health just does not permit it. The 4 days permanent has been great for me.
 
I was given the news today that my position is to be reduced to 2 days per week starting next yr, as they are making budget cuts. Im not the only teacher who got this news today. Its still upsetting news. I need more work than that. i will be able to pick up work at the same school as a sub, but its far from ideal. mad
But i am concerned- its a double edged sword: im relieved to have the opportunity to rest my body more, however i NEED the money due to my own foolishness with credit card debt and student loans. i have chopped up the credit cards and am just paying them off. my medical bills and private health care are a massive drain on me financially. Ive moved home with my parents as i cant afford to rent in sydney at the moment.
 
Even though they are loving and gracious i feel i am a burden. I need my own space back, and i want them to have theirs as well.
I try so hard to be a responsible adult, and i continue to fail. my physical health is worsening and my agoraphobia is creeping back into my life.
 
even though ive had severe AP since i was 10, i was always the popular life of the party. these days im a virtual recluse.
i just want to be sick- i have a stomach virus, and on another note, my cat scan showed that my sinuses are basically rotting in my head (sorry for the visual) even though i had major sinus surgery to correct this last year.
 
im feeling overwhelmed, like im holding on by a thread. i cant say NO to a challenge and i will not let this beat me, but i need to come here and lean awhile as i rest up before the next battle.
 
If you believe in the power of prayer, i could use some. I have to stay focused on keeping it together, i wear my mask so well. a colleague heard me make a call to my P-doc today, and he wanted to know why i needed to see a psychiatrist- he wasnt rude, just curious i guess. i explained the complexity of what i deal with. his response was that "you are the most 'together' person i know- i would never have guessed."
 
you get good at hiding behind that veneer, pretending for the outside world that everything is just running so smoothly and that you are in total control, when in reality, that couldnt be further from the truth. my nerves scream as adrenalin courses through my veins- i cried when i woke up today (im not much of a cryer) because i just felt that its so unfair to both 'mentally' ill, as well as so chronically physically ill. its a heavy burden.
its my burden for a reason. I believe God is with me and there is a greater purpose. im kicking myself for being stupid enough to rack up credit card debt, im angry with the world for not seeing that i hurt and that every single day is a battle.
 
im sorry for venting, i really am- i just feel like a caged animal, trapped by irrational fears and phobias. ive done so well to get past that, and then it flares for no apparent reason. i have 2 weeks left of school. i just want to get through it and then collapse over the christmas holidays.
 
im too young to be this disallusioned, this jaded, this ambivalent. no one should ever feel like this- the only people that understand are all of you here at HW because you have LIVE with this like i do.
Love, peace and blessings, Maz XX
            'He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.' (Psalm 147:3)                  
 
Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, CFS, Fibro, TMJ disorder, Endometriosis, PCOD, Chronic E.N.T infections, Reactive Arthritis, GERD, Sinusitis, IBS,  Allergies, Chemical/Noise/Light sensitivity, Trichotilomania, PTSD, Seasonal Mood  Disorder, OCD.
Meds: Zoloft 150mg. Xanax 4mg. Celebrex. Mobic. Panadeine Forte. Digesic.
Multiple surgeries- I bear the scars of my poor physical health.
Age:28. First diagnosed at 14. Proud Aussie.
 
 


nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted Today 4:54 AM (GMT -7)   

Maz,

I'm getting goosebumps. I moved back in with my mother at your age (marriage break-up n other stuff) and I felt like such a failure. I'm not trying to turn this into me okay?! I'm just saying I have walked a similar path. IMHO parents adore having th kids back home, if nothing better than to chastise their eating behaviour and lack of appropriate socks!!

I'm not trying to make light of your situation. It's daunting at the very least. I suppose this is a mixed blessing. You have more time to take care of your health, but also less money = less freedom. I know you to be smart, capable, and amazing in the short time I have known you and adversity will not stand in your path. Still. Your path has some roadblocks and grumpy trolls to pass.

We are all unsure in this time. This is just my thing, but I believe there is my business (what i can control) - other peoples business (none of my bizzo) and God's business (or your higher power) which is not my plan but the one set out for me. I can't change other people or their thoughts, but I can change my "business"..which means..I chart my own destiny..but I accept what comes to me. I don't advocate being placid, but I think to fight reality just causes us pain. Maz, my new friend. Let life carry you for a while, let your family love and care for you as it is so precious a gift.

Take care of your health, number one priority, follow you passions and don't feel you are a burden. Ever. You are a gift at HW as I am sure you are a gift to all your friends, family and co-workers..don't let the negativity sink in. You are one special chick (I can say that cos I'm Aussie!)

Hugs honey..email me okay?

Meg.


Co-moderator Anxiety/Panic
Panic Attack Survivor
 


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted Today 6:23 AM (GMT -7)   
Maz
My Sweeet friend
I am so sorry all this is coming at you
I am forever keeping you in my heart thoughts and prayers
I know that you are strong and yet sometimes our strength gets a bit of a go around ya know

So much simularities with you and iI ...its kinda scary ......

YOU will make it
YOU are an ASSET to HW and you support so many here that I know you will recieve so many prayers and thoughts with love coming your way
Hey and no one can go wrong with Prayer my friend as you know
Email me again if you would like
Luvs
LYN
 DX: Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety/Panic,
Fibro & Other DD

Donate at  www.healingwell.com
 
                               Moderator@Alzheimer's..
    CO Moderator @ Anxiety and Panic........Co Moderator   @ Crohns                    
                            ~ FIGHT the FIGHT with all YOU HAVE ~
               Look For The GOOD, Even At Your Lowest
  We Have Anxiety and Panic...................Anxiety and Panic DO NOT Have us         
   
..........LYN


Hibee
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 6486
   Posted Today 6:59 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Maz

Sorry to hear you are struggling at the moment and that you are dropping to two days work next year they will be losing a fantastic teacher who is caring, understanding and good at your job. Maybe take a few days to think things over and decide what you would like to do next try and stay positive and keep it together i know this is hard and i can relate to you when you talk about wearing a mask and keeping how you are feeling to yourself.

Maz know that we are all here for you during this time and feel free to vent and we can listen and support you, you are a strong capable person and you will get through this and we can help you with that.

You are a valued member of the HW family and you support so many members here including myself so it is now our turn to support you, take care of yourself and my thoughts are with you Maz.

Your Scottish Friend

Ben

TeacherBetsy
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 310
   Posted Today 7:49 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey (((Maz))), I know where you're coming from... we are also dealing with budget cuts and everyone feels the pressure, wondering what's going to happen next. I am sorry that this is happening to you. The veneer... yes, completely familiar with that... it's so much easier to act like everything is okay when it isn't, just to save face and try to keep going, and yet we can't deny that we have physical and emotional situations that require our attention. But like you, I'm feeling awful about things right now. I guess we have to stick together and help each other through it.

I will pray for you and send you lots of hugs.

Betsy (-:
Dx Crohn's Disease 1996
Have taken Prednisone, Pentasa, Rowasa, and Asacol
Currently on Asacol 2400 mg daily to manage remission
 
 


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted Today 7:58 AM (GMT -7)   

Good Morning Maz,

I understood every word you wrote.  I wore my mask all the 26 years I worked, no one had any idea how anxious and sad I felt, how much of a failure I felt for being weak.  Now I realize I am not a failure but what this anxiety and Depression does to me makes me continue to wear the mask.

I have done the same with credit cards.  I love to help people and giving to someone makes me happy. 

There was a time when I had many good years but now I have had 3 years of feeling like I am on a roller coaster.

You may come here any time you want to vent, to share and to ask for help. 

Your so right, we know what your going through and where your coming from.

Take it one day at a time and believe.  Yes I am a believer in prayer so you are on my prayer list and trust that the power of prayer will lift you up.

Love

Kitt 



 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


Mazfire
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1683
   Posted Today 1:20 PM (GMT -7)   

after a night punctuated with tossing and turning and physical Fibro pain, i woke up with a thumping headache, earache and a red raw throat. yuk.

thankyou SO much my beautiful HW family. your words of encouragement prop me up when i am feeling weak on the inside, when its a struggle to put one foot infront of the other. i know there is light at the end of the tunnel, it just seems so far away at times and being sick just HURTS.

thankyou to each and every one of you, you have helped me immensely. got to get ready for work now- its going to be 35 degrees, way too hot and i teach an 8 period day, no time to scratch myself, let alone sit down and relax.

 

Thankyooooooooooooooooooooooooooou all

Maz XX

 

p.s Meg i will email you XX



            'He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.' (Psalm 147:3)                  
 
Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, CFS, Fibro, TMJ disorder, Endometriosis, PCOD, Chronic E.N.T infections, Reactive Arthritis, GERD, Sinusitis, IBS,  Allergies, Chemical/Noise/Light sensitivity, Trichotilomania, PTSD, Seasonal Mood  Disorder, OCD.
Meds: Zoloft 150mg. Xanax 4mg. Celebrex. Mobic. Panadeine Forte. Digesic.
Multiple surgeries- I bear the scars of my poor physical health.
Age:28. First diagnosed at 14. Proud Aussie.
 
 


nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted Today 5:29 PM (GMT -7)   

Maz,

You still haven't broken up for term? (((gentle hugs))) what pure devil ...

I guess 35° isn't going to help that fibro or the migraine..but bless..it's friday. It's 11am here now and so you are probably having morning tea..I am sending love and healing thoughts your way from down here in S.A. my sweet friend.

The school day will be over in four hours and you will get to go home and rest your head for the weekend (well except for grading - wish I could help)..I hope this is the last day of term and you can put yourself first for a while.

Know that your HW family is right beside you..keeping you safe.

Hugs, Meg


Co-moderator Anxiety/Panic
Panic Attack Survivor
 


TeacherBetsy
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 310
   Posted Today 5:42 PM (GMT -7)   
Maz, no advice except to take Friday a moment at a time... the weekend is nearly here.

Betsy (-:
Dx Crohn's Disease 1996
Have taken Prednisone, Pentasa, Rowasa, and Asacol
Currently on Asacol 2400 mg daily to manage remission
 
 


Mazfire
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1683
   Posted 12/5/2008 1:54 AM (GMT -7)   

thanks again guys, im so used to being in control of my A/P. it doesnt shake me to my core every moment of my life anymore, but at the moment, its pushing back into my life with ferocity. its enviromental, physical stress, work... i can only do so much and i often feel i dont DO enough when in actuality i push myself too hard because ive come to expect more of myself- and i dont want my facade to fail me, i dont want society to pity me, or think of me as frail, cos frail i am NOT.

but struggling i AM. still have an upset tummy that has kept me running to the bathroom today, (up and down 2 flights of stairs to my classroom and back rolleyes )

Meg, i still have TWO weeks left. i finish on dec 19th. its ridiculous. i hurt my back at work today, my own fault, as an ex nurse, i should know how to lift properly, but i lifted a crate of textbooks and my lower back muscles are spasming as i type.

where can you go to resign from this illness? please tell me that i can return it, like an overdue film. ive watched it, lived it, been hurt and sickened by it, and now i want to return it, i dont care about the late fees, i just want it back on the shelf and out of my life! i wont rate it, it doesnt even get 1 star. this film BITES! turn

thankyou for supporting me thru all this mess, thankyou for helping me wade through the debris and rubbish as we fight to find the surface and breathe free and easy- no more being trapped, no more choking on fear that we didnt ask for...

Much love to my HW family. you are a blessing in this girl's life!

Maz 'the conquerer' XX-   

AKA Maz 'the nervous wreck' but i will get thru this.


            'He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.' (Psalm 147:3)                  
 
Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, CFS, Fibro, TMJ disorder, Endometriosis, PCOD, Chronic E.N.T infections, Reactive Arthritis, GERD, Sinusitis, IBS,  Allergies, Chemical/Noise/Light sensitivity, Trichotilomania, PTSD, Seasonal Mood  Disorder, OCD.
Meds: Zoloft 150mg. Xanax 4mg. Celebrex. Mobic. Panadeine Forte. Digesic.
Multiple surgeries- I bear the scars of my poor physical health.
Age:28. First diagnosed at 14. Proud Aussie.
 
 


TeacherBetsy
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 12/5/2008 5:53 AM (GMT -7)   
It would be wonderful to resign from this illness, wouldn't it!
Dx Crohn's Disease 1996
Have taken Prednisone, Pentasa, Rowasa, and Asacol
Currently on Asacol 2400 mg daily to manage remission
 
 

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