I hope someone can help........

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Tootiebug58
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 378
   Posted 12/5/2008 6:51 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi all
I usually post in the Fibro board, but not this time.  Three weeks ago I could not get a hold of my older brother (age 62).  He lived alone. I usually called him every other day, but I got busy and 3 days went by. I called his son and he and I went over there.  We found that he had passed away and was on the floor.  The medical examiner said he had been deceased for almost 72 hours.  He was my BEST friend and I have been devastated.  He would never go to a dr, had not been to one in 30 years.  He was very fearful of them.  He died of a GI bleed, but we did not have an autopsy. We had a beautful funeral for him, and I cry for him every day.  Losing him was harder than losing my parents.  They had been ill for a long time and I grieved for them before they died.  A sudden death is such a SHOCK!!! 
 
My anxiety is thru the roof.  I had to call my dr for sleeping pills, as I could not get the image of finding him out of my head.  The pills dont work.  I cant sleep, I lost 4 pounds, but started drinking Boost and gained it back.  Every day is a struggle to get out of bed, to do the chores or cook or shop.  I am
pushing myself, and my body is worn out. I get those inside shakes, the heart palpitations, even though my blood pressure is normal, and my pulse is fine.  I start thinking of my own mortality.  I have a younger brother and he and I are very close, and he is totally devastated.  I had a blood draw a month ago for my upcoming physical this Tues.  When I called the dr for the sleeping pills, I asked about my blood work.  He said "no surprises" and he would go over them when I saw him. I hope he means that my blood work is ok.
 
I see my psychologist on Monday and I know she will want to put me on an antidepressant, but I NEED to grieve and feel the grief. I dont want to be a zombie, I am not depressed, I am just undescribably SAD!!!!!!!
But I am worried because of the physical feelings I have.  The panic attacks hit in the middle of the night.  I am afraid to be in crowds. I have had these feelings before, but they are worse since I found my brother.
 
I guess I am asking.........is this NORMAL???  My husband said I should start perking up, since its been three weeks. Yeah right, I thought people could grieve a full year, or several months.  I just need to know that I am ok.  I am so worried.  Thanks for letting me vent.
 
Sue
Tootie
-------------------------------------------
anxiety/panic attacks...osteoporosis....Fibro
 xanax


peacesoul
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 2446
   Posted 12/5/2008 9:36 AM (GMT -7)   
Sue, I am SO sorry for your loss. It's understandable that you would be experiencing anxiety.

Loss brings on a whole range of emotions that we're not used to dealing with. It seems to me your emotions are very "normal" for someone going though a mourning process.
If a therapist were to offer you meds due to a normal human reaction, I would change therapists. You need to feel the pain so you can get through it.

I have a friend who is disabled and cannot leave her house, Her hubby died of anal cancer on new yrs day 2 yrs ago. What a shock, b/c they told him he was in remission, well he wasn't and he passed. My friend went through every range of emotions, all of which were NORMAL and it time she was ok.

You will be ok, just feel the pain, work through it and know it does pass.
If you need something to get you through the heartbreak, you can simply work it out in talk therapy

Wishing you the sincere best. I know how hard loss is.

hugs
The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong in the broken places


Junebug05
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 717
   Posted 12/5/2008 9:54 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi,

I am so truly sorry for the loss of your brother.  What you experienced when you found him was very traumatic and now you are dealing with the loss and I don't believe that three weeks is nearly enough for you to deal with all of that.

My father died suddenly about 15 years ago and I was affected very extremely.  I was so, so sad, I had trouble sleeping, my anxiety went through the roof and I had panic attacks all the time, especially when I left the house.  After a particularly bad panic attack while I was driving, which landed me in the er, I became agoraphobic and didn't leave my house for almost 2 years. 

In my opinion, the loss of someone and the grief that you feel can overwhelm you and make the p/a really flare up.  I can understand that you don't want to take anti-depressants and of course that is your choice, but I would be careful as time passes to keep a close eye on how you are doing as far as getting out, socializing, etc as you don't want to fall into a hole that you cannot get out of.

Give yourself some time to grieve your loss, allow your feelings to be there and use your cbt to help deal with the anxiety issues.  No one can put a time limit on grief, some grieve longer than others, so only you will know when you are starting to deal with the loss and feel better.  You will in time, but for right now, as long as you don't let yourself backslide to much, I think that what you are feeling is completely normal.


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 12/5/2008 10:31 AM (GMT -7)   
 
Please accept my sincere sympathy. Do not beat yourself up for not calling your brother, he knew you loved him. 
 
I know exactly how you feel and here I am 19 years later still mourning the death of my 21 year old son in a car crash only 20 miles from home.  I was alreay on an AD and I also kept wondering when do I go into shock.
 
Well I learned shock was my whole being focusing on how I was going to take care of burying my son and honor his life.
 
I played the tough lady and went back to work after 2 weeks, did not make it through the shift.  cry  
 
Your hubby IMHO just does not understand.  My daughter's hubby did not understand why years after the accident, Karen would still cry and certain things would cause her panic attacks.
 

Grief is a normal and healthy response to loss, not an illness. Its symptoms are painful, but they serve an adaptive purpose. Most grief runs its course with the support of your friends/family. However, there is no time limit on how long you grieve,  it does not just turn off at the one year mark.  I will grieve for my son all of my life but I have learned to remember the good times and talk about him.  I celebrate that he was loved by so many and be thankful I had him as my son.

Remember recovery is often a slow and continual process, that can take years. Do it your way but try to make it cleansing and  helpful for you.

God Bless

Kitt



 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
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Mazfire
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1683
   Posted 12/5/2008 8:31 PM (GMT -7)   

you have been through such an ordeal! my heart goes out to you. there is NO set time on grieving, it is a personal, individual thing, that i believe lasts for years- not 3wks. you have every right to be hurting and to feel heavy with grief. allow yourself to mourn, but also think of the positive memories you have with your brother. maybe your husband isnt a great communicator- im sure he doesnt intend to hurt you, but it DOES hurt and like i said, you are entitled to grieve, and to grieve YOUR way.

having fibro doesnt help- i have it also and thats a huge battle on its own, let alone adding grief and loss to the mix.

please take care and know that i am thinking of you- you WILL get through this.
Maz XX


            'He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.' (Psalm 147:3)                  
 
Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, CFS, Fibro, TMJ disorder, Endometriosis, PCOD, Chronic E.N.T infections, Reactive Arthritis, GERD, Sinusitis, IBS,  Allergies, Chemical/Noise/Light sensitivity, Trichotilomania, PTSD, Seasonal Mood  Disorder, OCD.
Meds: Zoloft 150mg. Xanax 4mg. Celebrex. Mobic. Panadeine Forte. Digesic.
Multiple surgeries- I bear the scars of my poor physical health.
Age:28. First diagnosed at 14. Proud Aussie.
 
 


nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 12/5/2008 9:15 PM (GMT -7)   

Tootie,

What you are going through is sad, miserable, but normal. The anxiety and fear of mortality is very common when a close friend/family member dies. I wish I could give you a big hug, but well..I can't! I don't normally advocate anything written but "don't kiss them goodbye" by allison dubois is a wonderful book to help you work through grief. I hope I haven't offended you by suggesting this. I just know it helps me realise that there is never a final goodbye.

Meg


Co-moderator Anxiety/Panic
Panic Attack Survivor
 


Tootiebug58
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 378
   Posted 12/6/2008 7:50 AM (GMT -7)   

I want to thank ALL of you for your kind, comforting responses.  You are all so very compassionate. And I guess that was what I was looking for, because I sure dont get it at home here. I feel so much better after reading all of your posts.  A friend told me last night..."this is your grief, you own it, no one else does, and no one can take it from you or control how your feel".  That made so much sense to me,as did all your posts. I talked to my brothers son last night and after three weeks of running around (he was in the process of moving into a new house, he had a new baby a month ago, and two days after my brother died, his beautiful 7 yr old lab laid down one night and just passed away, my brother didnt leave a will).......so my nephew is starting the grieving process just now. I told him to just let is all out, and he sobbed for a good hour, and he NEEDED that.  It made me feel better to help him sort thru his feelings.  I know to take one day at a time.  I know its the holidays, and I know I have things to do.  I guess I will try and do some of my baking next week.  I told my husband I wanted a very quiet Christmas day, just with the immediate family.(I have a new daughter in law tongue ).  I just had Thanksgiving for his family (15) and it was tooooo much for me.  It took me several days to recover.  My husband says to keep busy and stay busy.  I havent stopped doing one thing, I still do the every day chores, even though its an effort.

Thanks for reading my post.  You ladies are the BEST!!!! Its nice to be able to relate to others, and to those who have lost a loved one,my heart goes out to you.

God bless you all

Sue


Tootie
-------------------------------------------
anxiety/panic attacks...osteoporosis....Fibro
 xanax


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 12/6/2008 11:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Sue,

Have you thought about going to a bereavement support group? That might help you.

Also some antidepressants help with anxiety. So that is something to think about.

I know how you feel, I recently lost my nephew. He shot himself. It does make you think of your own mortality and that is normal.

As was said above by your friend, you own this grief and it is yours alone. Embrace it, but try to remember the good things.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Keep posting, this is a wonderful forum and getting this out is going to make you feel better. Plus there are so many wonderful people here.

Luv and hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Nanners
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 14995
   Posted 12/6/2008 12:42 PM (GMT -7)   
Tootiebug58 please accept my sincerest condolences on losing your brother. I will definetly keep you and your family in my prayers.

Gentle Hugs,
Gail *Nanners*
Been living with Crohn's Disease for 33 years.  Currently on Asacol, Prilosec, Estrace, Prinivil, Diltiazem, Percoset prn for pain, Zofran, Phenergan, Probiotics, and Calcium.  Resections in 2002 and 2005.  Also diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and Osteoarthritis. Currently my Crohns is in remission.


Tootiebug58
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 378
   Posted 12/6/2008 1:48 PM (GMT -7)   

Thank you Gail and Karen.

Karen, am so sorry to hear about your nephew.  How terrbily SAD!!!

I am looking into a support group. They have one at the hospital I volunteer at, so maybe this will help.  I will see my psychologist on Monday and see what she has to say.  I dont feel depressed, as I am up early every day doing normal things, but the overwhelming feelings of SADNESS is sometimes unbearable.  My son is a minister and he has been a wonderful help to me, helping me understand life and death.

In time, the pain will go away, I know it will.  But right now, its just so fresh, and being the holidays........my brother loved Christmas.  We found a new saw and lumber in his basement.  He was going to make a doll house for his new granddaughter.  He had the plans all drawn out.She is just 5 weeks old and he loved her so much.  It looks like he bought the saw and lumber just a few days before he passed.  So sad.

Again, thanks to everyone for your thoughts and prayers.  This is a wonderful forum!!!!!

Sue


Tootie
-------------------------------------------
anxiety/panic attacks...osteoporosis....Fibro
 xanax

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