Still upset over what the urologist's nurse asked me.

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wiggyann
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 171
   Posted 12/6/2008 10:18 AM (GMT -7)   

My husband was scheduled to have a prostate biopsy and I had been told by a urologist that this procedure can be quite painful. Most urologists give an anesthestic and we were hoping my husband would get this too, though neither of us asked, being quite nervous and unsure of everything that day.

I had also hoped I could talk to the urologist alone as I had several questions and understandably, didn't want my husband to have to undergo a painful procedure.  I had asked my husband if the urologist had told him what the biopsy would be like when he had set up the appointment for him to have it done and he told me that he hadn't.

So after the nurse called my husband in, I spoke to the receptionist about my fears and she said she would see if the nurse would talk to me.  Then, she took me back into the room where my husband and the nurse were.

I was trying to remember some of the reasons I'd read about why men need not have such a procedure and voiced my doubts to the nurse. Instead of kindly reassuring me she said, 

"Doing a biopsy is the only way to know if there is something there.  Don't you care if your husband has cancer?"

I was so shocked by this, on top of the fear I was already feeling for the the nurse to insinuate by her question that I didn't care about my husband and for her to ask me this right in front of him just destroyed me. 

I had read that  prostate cancer was slow growing and men could have it for years without causing them a problem. So, I brought this up, and then I apologised to her and I left. I was still feeling the effects of her words and I just wanted to get away from her.

I know if the urologist had in the room  she would not have said what she did to me. I thought about telling him what she had said, but I did not, and have regretted not doing so.

I am still tormented by her words and it has been two years ago since this happened.  Several months ago I began seeing a counsellor hoping that she could help me.

I would appreciate your thoughts on what I have written.

Thank You, wiggyann


Pamela Neckpain
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Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1821
   Posted 12/6/2008 11:52 AM (GMT -7)   
Something similar to this happened to me. I carried my anger with a Dr. for
a couple of years. I wrote a letter, signed it and didn't mail it. I wrote a letter,
didn't sign it and didn't mail it. I wrote a post card. Didn't send it. Wrote a letter
to the Board of doctors where he works and didn't mail or sign it.
I kinda understand your feelings about this nurse. Honest. Your love and caring is
so strong that even a slight comment would have put you over the line at this time.
(or me)
My advice: Don't think of it. When love is involved we feel soooo strongly. Medical
people are sometimes brutal with their words. I've met 100 mean medics - maybe
1,000.
wiggyann, that nurse was a jerk!
I'm curious to know what your psychologist says.
I don't come to this board often because my husband seems to be over his prostate
problems. E-mail if you will?
Maybe next time you can keep this in mind, "It causes as much suffering when you
take offense as when you give offense." You could STILL write to that doctor.
Be sure you don't say anything that could, eeeeeek, cause a slander law suit!
After what you've been through that would just be awful.
My thoughts and understanding are totally with you this cold November day.
Pamela

Post Edited (Pamela Neckpain) : 12/6/2008 11:55:11 AM (GMT-7)


Pamela Neckpain
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Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1821
   Posted 12/6/2008 11:58 AM (GMT -7)   
Wiggyann,
You know, I thought I was on the Prostate Forum. I looked up and saw that I was
on the Anxiety Forum. This is definitely a place where I belong. "Panic" is my
middle name!
PN

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 12/6/2008 3:00 PM (GMT -7)   

Wiggyann,

On behalf of nurses I apologize for the insensitivity of this nurse.  It was inexcusable and I am wondering why you apologized to her?

If you know her name write a letter to the Clinic Manager stating just the facts, do not put your emotions into it.  Just the facts of where you were, what the procedure was, your question and the nurses comment. 

Then state you would expect a response to your letter. I have been on both sides of this scenario, dealing with the nurse that was out of line and being talked down too.

I understand where your coming from.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt

 


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
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It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


Green Grove
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 2424
   Posted 12/6/2008 4:40 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm a nurse (currently private for my grandmother), and I will never get over the rudeness of certain people in the medical community. . . I'm sorry that happened to you during an already scary situation. Sigh. . . . I always wish that things would change for people that choose healing as a profession. Crude behavior and attitudes have no place when it comes to caring for somebody. I even have to endure this crud from my own colleagues, especially when dealing with anxiety :) Go figure, and God save us all from mean medical "professionals":)
Much Love, Hugs, Peace & Comfort :)
Sam
 


wiggyann
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 171
   Posted 12/7/2008 12:40 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello Stkitt,

Thank you so much for your post and the apology. Bless
your heart. You asked why I apologised. I felt like I had interferred and caused a problem just by being back there.

I really appreciate your help and your advice :-)

Many Thanks,
Wiggyann

wiggyann
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 171
   Posted 12/7/2008 1:06 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello Sam,

I think it is wonderful that your grandmother's private nurse is her granddaughter :-)

My grandmother was in a good nursing home for six years before she passed away a month before her 96th birthday. My
mother, or one of her two sisters was at the nursing home every day during that six year period because they did not want to leave her alone after having heard stories about how
nursing homes sometimes treat the people who are staying
there.

I am sorry you have to deal with crude comments from other nurses and people in the medical profession. I know what it is like live with anxiety. I lived with it for many years and it is certainly no fun.

Wiggyann

wiggyann
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 171
   Posted 1/2/2009 12:17 AM (GMT -7)   
Stkitt

First of all I would like to sincerely thank you for all of your help and your comments and your email to me concerning what the nurse asked me the day I was so terrified for my husband to have the biopsy done.

Also, I would like to know if you can tell me why what she ask me the day my husband was getting ready to have the biopsy has had such an effect on me? (doing a biopsy is the only way to know if something is there. Don't you care if your husband has cancer?) I know that as soon as I realized what she had asked me, I was stunned  shocked  and unable even to gather my thoughts. Then, I thought about my husband being being right there in the room when she asked me this and I can't describe what this did to me.  cry     All I wanted to do was to get away from her. Was it my pride that was wounded or do you think there was more to it than that. If I could understand  why what she said has had such an effect on me it might help me understand why I am still have these negative feelings and anger mad  towards this nurse. 
 
Thank you.
Wiggyann
 
 
 
 

Post Edited (wiggyann) : 1/2/2009 12:50:19 AM (GMT-7)


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 1/2/2009 10:15 AM (GMT -7)   

Good Morning wiggyann,

I am glad you posted if this is still on your mind and I will try to help you.

You  are human, and it would be very weird if you didn't feel a thing. “Why do people have to say such things?” I can very well say that each of us have or will meet this type of person in our life.

I have met many of them but when your dealing with professionals your expectation is kindness and empathy not a smart mouth nurse who obviously does not like her job.

You are sensitive and letting go of this comment is very hard for you. I am the same way.  Also I think you are afraid of running into her again at the clinic.

Many people allow medical professionals to talk down to them and make snide remarks because they are afraid to make the Physician/Nurse angry as in your case you husband needed the biopsy.

I also feel you have this anger bottled up inside you that you need to let go of..................it is keeping you in the past and you want to be in the moment. Anger is a natural human emotion and you had the right to feel anger toward this nurse. 

However you handled it with grace and did not make a issue in front of your husband................next time do be assertive and ask for a sheet to cover him.............you can be assertive without being aggressive. If Nurse "I am not Happy to Be Here" gives you grief, just repeat your request in a firm but calm manner.

I would also respond to this nurse re her remark about the biospy...."I would say very politely, your comment feels very unprofessional to me"  Watch her mouth fall open.

Remember patients have rights. :-)

I hope this helps you understand why you are still feeling upset and now you can let go and move on.

May hope, love, and warmth
be in your heart's possessing,
and may the New Year
bring you and yours
many blessings.

Gentle Hugs,

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


Nanners
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 14995
   Posted 1/2/2009 12:00 PM (GMT -7)   
I have a GI doctor who I actually love to death. I have a chronic health issue and must take meds to keep the condition under control. Meds this GI prescribes. He had been on vacation so I waited until he returned to put in my request for my refills. I waited 5 "business" days before going to pick them up because I knew he would be busy after returning from vacation. Well when I go in, they aren't filled. I go upstairs to his office and speak to his nurse, she calls the doctor, then turns around and tells me he is mad that I interupted him for my medications. Let me tell you I was not a happy camper after that. I am part of a large HMO so I went right down to membership services and filed a complaint. I still ended up waiting another 3 days or so before I got my meds, but I can tell you that complaint must have done something, because now my meds are ready right away and the doctors nurses and the doctor himself are much kinder.

I really think you should mention this nurse's behaviour to the doctor she works with. Her attitude was totally unprofessional and should not be tolerated at all. They do work for us afterall.
Gail*Nanners* Co-Moderator for Anxiety/Panic Forum
Been living with Crohn's Disease for 33 years. Currently on Asacol, Prilosec, Estrace, Prinivil, Diltiazem, Percoset prn for pain, Zofran, Phenergan, Probiotics, and Calcium and Xanax as needed. Resections in 2002 and 2005. Also diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and Osteoarthritis and Anxiety. Currently my Crohns is in remission.
*Every tomorrow has two handles.  We can take hold of it by the handle of anxiety, or by the handle of faith"*

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 1/2/2009 12:21 PM (GMT -7)   
I too am a retired nurse and I am appalled at this "professional's" words to you

It takes a special type of person to be a Nurse or Doctor I truly believe

Many forget that we are ( patients) human I always had that in my head when looking after the patient and dealing with the family

Nowadays there is less EMPATHY its about the money and pushing patients thru like cattle

and it is so sad as we need more with all the DD that are out there and the families that are seeing their loved ones go thru what they do .......

I am blessed to have a doc that has empathy and he is my doc my therapist ( kinda) and he also takes the time to LISTEN.......
EXPLAIN and reasure me about anything I ask him

THERE is NO excuse for what that woman did that day NONE
PLZ do as all have said write and report her asap
This has taken too much from you dont let it take another day
Once you write the rough draft I promise you will feel a load lifted from your heart and shoulders

I am so sorry ............LYN
Stay with us plz


 DX: Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety/Panic,
Fibro & Other DD

Donate at  www.healingwell.com
 
                               Moderator@Alzheimer's..
              CO Moderator @ Anxiety and Panic........Co Moderator   @ Crohns                    
                            Keep The Fight Going..Or YOu Will Lose
               Look For The GOOD, Even At Your Lowest
  We Have Anxiety and Panic...................Anxiety and Panic DO NOT Have us         
   
                                     LYN


wiggyann
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 171
   Posted 1/2/2009 2:45 PM (GMT -7)   
 
Thanks so much to all of you, Kitt, Tony, Gail and Lyn for your concern about me and your good advice :-)  
 
I have read all of your posts twice and plan to reread them over again.  I'm so grateful to each one of you.
 
Wiggyann
 
 
 
 

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 1/2/2009 2:50 PM (GMT -7)   
NOT a problem Wiggy
YOU are part of this Family

Luvs
LYN
 DX: Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety/Panic,
Fibro & Other DD

Donate at  www.healingwell.com
 
                               Moderator@Alzheimer's..
              CO Moderator @ Anxiety and Panic........Co Moderator   @ Crohns                    
                            Keep The Fight Going..Or YOu Will Lose
               Look For The GOOD, Even At Your Lowest
  We Have Anxiety and Panic...................Anxiety and Panic DO NOT Have us         
   
                                     LYN


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 1/2/2009 2:59 PM (GMT -7)   

Gentle Hugs to you and please if you need more support, drop me an email.  I know how you feel.  I have seen both sides of this type of situation.

How is your hubby doing?

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


Green Grove
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Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 2424
   Posted 1/2/2009 3:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Wiggyann!

You have received so much support and great advice already that I don't have much more to say than previously posted, except to ask the same question that dear Kitt just asked. How is your husband doing?

Take care and best wishes :)
Much Love, Hugs, Peace and Comfort!!!  Your Bro. . . Sam :)
 ~Co-Moderator Anxiety & Panic Forum~
 "When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on!"
~Franklin D. Roosevelt~
~Click on the Ads to help HealingWell.com~
Not a medical professional.  Seek your physician's advice before making changes to your meds or lifestyle :)


wiggyann
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 171
   Posted 1/2/2009 4:22 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello Kitt and Sam,

My husband went to his radiation oncologist for his 18 month check up
the last of November and he had a digital rectal exam which turned out good, but the oncologist did not do a psa test and it was time for one
They do them every six months for the first few years. He told him he would let his urologist do his psa test. But he doesn't go back to his urologist until April and it will be time for his 24 month psa test then.
Sometimes there will be bounce that occurs in the psa around 18 months which is normal, not every man gets the bounce though
just a few do, but we were wanting to find out what his 18 month psa was.

He was carrying some heavy boxes this past summer and felt something pull and he got a hernia in his groin area. We looked hernias up online and found out about them and he went and paid $60.00 for a good support which he wears. He doesn't want to have surgery right now and it isn't bothering him. I don't bring it up because he just gets angry if I do. I know when he is ready or
if it really begins to bother him, he will go to the doctor and have it
taken care of.

God Bless All,
Wiggyann

Green Grove
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 2424
   Posted 1/2/2009 5:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Ouch. . .

I hope I never go through something like that. A good friend of mine had the same surgery two months ago and was back to work in six weeks. Your husband is a very lucky man to have such a loving wife. Take care and I hope things get better for the both of you :)
Much Love, Hugs, Peace and Comfort!!!  Your Bro. . . Sam :)
 ~Co-Moderator Anxiety & Panic Forum~
 "When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on!"
~Franklin D. Roosevelt~
~Click on the Ads to help HealingWell.com~
Not a medical professional.  Seek your physician's advice before making changes to your meds or lifestyle :)


percycat
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 1952
   Posted 1/3/2009 8:56 AM (GMT -7)   
WiggyAnn,

My father had prostate cancer 10-12 years ago. To this day, his PSA count fluctuates from time to time. I think he still gets it checked every 6 months. At a recent appointment, it was up a bit, but when he took some medication to knock out a cold or the flu or whatever and then went back for his retest, everything was fine again.

I hope you and your hubby will be comfortable simply getting the regular tests done and knowing that little changes here and there aren't unusual. If you are concerned about not having the 18-month test done, you might raise it with the oncologist again - perhaps s/he didn't understand that waiting for the urologist would mean missing the 18-month test entirely.

Best wishes to you in dealing with the concerns prostate cancer brings. It's scary, but that can fade a bit as you continue to do all his regular checkups and know that the doctors will catch anything if it tries to recur.

percycat

wiggyann
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 171
   Posted 1/3/2009 2:23 PM (GMT -7)   
Percycat,

So glad to hear that your father is doing well :-) May I ask how old he is and what kind of treatment he had? My husband had 25 IMRT (radiation treatments) and a 90 seed pallidium implant in the first half of 2007. I think he is just going to wait until he goes back to the urologisit in April for the two year psa. Althugh, he did say if he went to see his GP before then he would ask him if he would give him a slip to have a psa blood test done.

Thanks Percycat,
Wiggyann

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 1/3/2009 2:46 PM (GMT -7)   

Dear Wiggann,

How are you today my friend?  I am fine and my hubby had a radical prostatectomy on the 27th of August this year.  His Doctor is one of the best in the Twin cities.  He gave us the options............we went with take it out.  The cancer was all inclosed in the capsule so I do not worry now.  He had some trobule in sugery as he has what the Doc referred to as a Crohn's Gut and when he connected his ureter back to his bladder it look good but then it just disintegrated and the Doc had to come up with a different plan to make the anastomosis.

My hubby is 61 and I expect him to make it to 101.  shocked

PSA...........don't fret about them,  I worried from January last year until June as they did antibiotics and then retested.  I thought I would never make it ntil the results were in.  It did not matter what the result was, we would deal with it, it was the not knowing that was so hard.

Take care my friend and know we are here for you.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


wiggyann
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 171
   Posted 1/3/2009 7:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Kitt,

for your reasurrance. I'm glad to hear that your husband is doing
so well :-)

The radiation oncologist told my husband that his prostate was flat and that was the main thing, so he isn't to concerned about not having a psa test at 18 months.

I was the one who was upset about it because I had done a lot of research online about prostate cancer and knew that men have regular psa tests every six months at least for the first couple of years after their surgery or treatment.

Hope your having a nice weekend,
Wiggyann

percycat
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 1952
   Posted 1/3/2009 7:23 PM (GMT -7)   
Wiggyann,

Sorry not to get back to you sooner. My dad will be 69 in a few months. He had his prostate surgically removed, and I'm pretty sure there was no chemo or radiation therapy. I know that sounds odd - maybe I'm misremembering - but I believe both of those make you pretty sick as a side effect, and I know I'd have remembered *that* even though I was living on the other side of the country at the time.

I also know a gentleman who had the radiation pellet treatment. His would have been done at least 15 years ago, and he is somewhere in his mid to late 60s now.

It sounds like there are lots of success stories for your husband to be a part of too! Try to keep the faith. You both seem to be doing exactly what you should to care for his continued health.

Hugs,
percycat

Percy/Percycat

Co-Moderator, Anxiety and Panic Forum


wiggyann
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 171
   Posted 1/3/2009 10:40 PM (GMT -7)   
Percycat,

Thanks for all of the info about your dad and the other gentleman that you are acquainted with who had prostate cancer. It's wonderful
that they are both getting along so well.


And to think some years back I didn't even know what a prostate was.

Wiggyann
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