Why Do We Do This To Ourselves?

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YaGirlC
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 12/14/2008 3:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Ugh.  I swear, I was doing SO well before.  I finally got over my obsession with my face...I wasn't constantly worrying that I was about to stroke out...and for once in YEARS, I wasn't pre-occupied with my heart.  Yea, that lasted a grand total of about a month and a half, if that.
 
Why can't I just live like a normal, human being?  Don't we deserve that?
 
I go through what I call 'bouts' of panic.  I'll be fine for a week or two, or if I am blessed, three; and then all hell breaks loose.  I am so darned sensitive to change.  Any disruption of my routine causes an on-set of panic, I think.  That's a pattern I'm noticing, at least.  Sometimes though, the panic/heightened anxiety seems to come out of nowhere.  I could be fine one moment, totally content with life as it is, and the next, I become consumed with dying and having heart problems and just convinced that my life is contingent on borrowed time. :(
 
lol If you can't tell, I haven't seen my therapist in almost 2 weeks.  He had to cancel our appt. last week due to inclement weather.
 
Sometimes (or maybe more than just 'sometimes'), I feel like such a failure.  I've had to postpone my schooling due, in part, to my debilitating anxiety and panic.  I was so close to becoming a nurse.  So close!  I had all but one class completed, with a 3.9 G.P.A. to boot. It just makes me want to cry.  And now, because I quit 'too early' in the semester, I have a good $2000 bill to pay before I can either A). transfer my credits or B). finish out my studies at that school.  So I either foot the bill or I start from scratch or I just give up on becoming a nurse.
 
I'm a single mother to 4 kids.  $2000 just isn't gonna happen.  That's reality.
 
Funny, I can seem to recognize reality when it HURTS me (as in this case), but I fail to acknowledge it if it were to bring me RELIEF (as in my numerous health concerns).  UGH, I am just so frustrated with this.
 
I used to be so care-free.  So happy.  I used to LIVE life.  Sure, I might have had the occassional panic attack, maybe once or twice every few years...but that seems such a small price to pay when in comparison to how I live life now.  My panic can last for weeks at a time.  With little to no relief. :(  I know that others have it much worse than I.  And for that, I am sorry to complain.  I am constantly trying to find the 'good' in life. 

Hey, at least I AM living.  At least I am alive.
 
At least I am comfortable at home, instead of in a hospital.  Or homeless. 
 
At least I am here to see my kids learn and grow.
 
But it is so hard.  I am just stricken with worry, guilt and sorrow.  I am grieving my death!  How sick is that?!  And, yet, I am scared to BE scared for fear that I will eventually 'will it' to happen!  It is like a catch-22!  A never-ending cycle!
 
I try (hard) to stop the self-pitying, the self-loathing.  What helps you?  :sigh:
Cece, 24
 
Mommy to 4 kids, ages 5 and under.  Yep, I'm crazy.  In more than one way!


Hibee
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 6488
   Posted 12/15/2008 1:22 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi YaGirlC

I can relate to what you wright, i often feel why me? Living with anxiety is hard and can hit you at any time. I to am very sensitive to change and find any thing outside of my comfort zone makes my anxiety really bad and then i get depressed because the whole anxiety thing really frustrates me. It is good that you can identify the things which make you anxious and that is a positive but you will get times when anxiety can just happen at the flick of a switch and that is hard to deal with.

It a shame you have not been able to see your therapist for two weeks, hopefully you will be able to see him/she this week. I find my therapist really good to talk to and think it is important for people with anxiety/depression to go through the therapy process as i feel it really helps to talk the same as it does to come here and talk to other people with anxiety/depression.

Really sorry to here you have had to postpone your schooling due to anxiety but hopefully this is temporary. I think you have done really well to manage working towards a nursing quilification and be there for your 4 kids well done you maybe just need to take a bit of time to get better and then you can go and finish your schooling. Are you allowed any sort of grant/funding?

You will get through this i know things are hard at the moment and i really do know that frustration but talk to your therapist and know that we are here to help and support you were we can and remember little steps make big changes in the future. Are you taking any medication?

My thoughts are with you and i am glad you have found the HW forum as this really is a great place to come and talk so keep posting and tell us how you are getting on.


Take Care

Ben

Mazfire
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1683
   Posted 12/15/2008 3:25 AM (GMT -7)   

YaGirlC, hi, im Maz. i was just wondering if you are on any medication for your A/P? a mood stabiliser, anti-depressant or anti-anxiety med? Have you tried CBT to stem the attacks? it seems life kicks you when you are down, hey? thats how it feeels for me alot of the time. There has to be a way to finish your nursing- doing it all over would simply be wasting time you have already spent. does your college have payment plans or hardship scholarships?

Im sorry you are having a rough patch, being a single mum to 4 kids would be so hard for someone who is anxiety free, i can only imagine what your stress levels must be like.

Keep us posted and know that you are never alone here-

Maz XX


            'He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.' (Psalm 147:3)                  
 
Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, CFS, Fibromyalgia, TMJ disorder, Endometriosis, PCOD, Chronic E.N.T infections, Reactive Arthritis, GERD, Sinusitis, IBS,  Allergies, Glandular fever, Migraines, Anemia, Chemical/Noise/Light sensitivity, Trichotilomania, PTSD, Seasonal Mood  Disorder, OCD, Benign Vertigo,  Impaired immune system. Tachycardia, tinnitus, low clotting factor= bruising. Tendonitis, Bursitis.
Meds: Zoloft 150mg. Xanax 4mg. Celebrex. Mobic. Panadeine Forte. Digesic.
Multiple surgeries- I bear the scars of my poor physical health.
Age:28. First diagnosed at 14. Proud Aussie.
 
 


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 12/15/2008 8:26 AM (GMT -7)   

YaGirlC,

Hi, this is Kitt and I hear you.  All of the members here go through what you are going through.  It is the nature of the disease but do not feel you are a failure or worthless.
 
Consider this another one of those bumps in the road and plan on how to get over it.
I am very glad to hear you have a therapist.

We often waste way too much of our time and energy focusing on what we don't like, what we're worried about, or what we think needs to be fixed, changed, or enhanced.

There are great things happening in your life and around you all the time.

Celebrate the good stuff around us, in others, and in ourselves.  You are a good person, concentrate your thoughts on that and know we are here for you.

Hugs

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
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Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


YaGirlC
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 12/15/2008 11:31 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks everyone for all of the support and advice and insight. Unfortunately, I supposedly 'owe' grant/scholarship money (I never knew you could 'owe' free money, but whatever). I was told I quit 'too early' in the semester (I had to quit then before I would get 'locked in' so-to-speak, and then I would fail the class). So, since I owe the grant/scholarship money, I am not eligible for financial aid (at that school) until it is paid in full. I could always go to another school, but that would require to eith get my credits/transcipts transferred, or start from scratch.

I am lucky that I am able to pinpoint some of my triggers and know as well what things tend to help alleviate it.

My therapist does practice CBT. I don't think we've gone too much into it as of yet, but that's probably because I am so messed up and have so many issues. We tend to jump from issue to issue (I have OCD, high anxiety, low self-esteem/poor image, past emotional, physical and sexual abuse, possible PTSD, etc.).

I go to him on Wed. It's a bit pathetic sounding, I'm sure, but I can't wait! lol I feel like a kid going to Disneyland or something! heh
Cece, 24
 
Mommy to 4 kids, ages 5 and under.  Yep, I'm crazy.  In more than one way!

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