I was hoping that my anxiety/panic was possibly just due to my dentist appt that I had last Thurs., and yesterday.
Well, it isn't gone.
It's almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy. My S/O currently lives across the country. We (the kids and I) have been planning to make the move for 2.5 years now. Things keep coming up, life keeps happening, so our move has been postponed numerous times. Anyway, the last few 'cancellations' have really gotten me down. We were going to move right after my son (my youngest child is his, the other 3 are not; their father was very abusive and I left him almost 4 years ago, and shortly thereafter, I might my S/O). Well, that was in late April. Then we were supposed to move in June/July. Then it got pushed back to Christmas. Now it is pushed back to January (Christmastime would've been perfect for my older child, since he is in kindergarten, it wouldn't have been so hard on him if we could've moved during the break, instead of during a time when school was in session, and therefore, missing out on classes).
So right now, we are stuck with making visits out there. It is a 15-17 hour drive, mind you. And no, I cannot get on a plane. I have made train trips out there (by myself), but that is not feasible with 4 small children (it is an even longer ride than in the car: 24+ hours).
We have gone so far in October (for about a week), during Thanksgiving break, and now we are planning for New Year's (we usually stay about a week, and the last two times have worked out good because the kids don't miss out on school).
But, I've noticed that whenever we come back, I get panicky. In October, I was fine, until we came back home, and then I had a bout of heightened anxiety and panic. Now I am having the same thing (we just got back about 2 weeks ago). I was kinda anticipating it too. So like I said earlier, it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm making myself sick. :(
I keep thinking that I won't live to the next visit or something. UGH, WHY DO I HAVE TO FEEL LIKE THIS! It's horrible. :( I AM SO SICK OF FEELING LIKE THIS. I just want to be normal. I haven't had a FULL-BLOWN panic attack so far (which leave me almost incapable of doing even the simplest tasks), thank God, but I have been right on the edge almost the entire time since I've been back. It is absolute Hell. I just want to be able to live again.
I've had so many tests done on my heart. The heart ultrasound, EKGs, chest x-rays, blood work for enzymes during heart attacks, cholesterol levels, blood pressure readings, ct scans....all have come out fine. I am just scared that they were all wrong! These were done by at least 4 different doctors. I seriously am just scared that they all just 'blew me off' because I am 1). a female, 2). young and 3). I've even told some of them that I have anxiety problems. So I am scared that they just blew it off and didn't really LOOK at the results/tests.
I HATE THIS CRAP. SO MUCH. My therapist asked me what would help me. I said that it is bothering me that I never got an MRI of my heart...or an angiogram...but I AM WAY TOO SCARED to even THINK about going through with something like that. I seriously cannot get up the nerve to go see a cardiologist...a SPECIALIST in heart problems. It makes me panicky just thinking about it, seriously. I am scared that they would find something and immediately rush me into open heart surgery or something. Of course, I remember thinking that way the night/week/month before my heart ultrasound. I remember calling my S/O the night before crying, telling him of my 'final wishes' because I was convinced that they were going to find something terribly wrong and rush me into emergency surgery.
:( Why do I have to feel this way???! I am so angry. Sooooo angry. And bitter.
I just want the anxiety to go away and to live my life the way I used to.
Can these symptoms truly just be psychological? :( My stupid arms/shoulders hurt sometimes and my stupid neck (in the front...so really, the throat region) has hurt since July-ish...it comes and goes...kinda like a throbbing sensation...and I've had the chest pains for as far back as I can remember. UGH!
ETA: I pay attention to every little twinge. I know that back aches can be a sign of heart attack in women...and I've now had back pain! GAH. I did have some physical therapy (just finished 3 months of it last week) and a lot of it was because I had some soft tissue issues in my back...and it is in basically the same location (left side...OF COURSE, right by/below my shoulder blade)...but it still makes me think the worst.