Fears for the future

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Mazfire
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1683
   Posted 12/28/2008 6:00 AM (GMT -7)   
So im 28 and im very single. I have had to move back home to live as i cant afford to rent. after surgery to remove my gall bladder as well as being put on Zoloft, i gained 30kgs in 3 months. My then boyfriend dumped me for being 'fat, ugly, not sexy anymore'. I am 6ft tall and until the age of 22 i was always underweight and used to get hassled about my lankiness.
I never lacked boyfriends- when i was skinny and confident i stayed in 3 long term relationships, all of which had elements of abuse and left me unhappy.
As soon as i stacked the weight on, all male interest in me disappeared. ive always been a tomboy, and been 'one of the boys' but not to the extent where no one would date me.
I have tried to diet- but the combo of AP meds and my Fibro and PCOS make it very hard to shift weight. I have come to hate what i see in the mirror and hate the body i am trapped in.
My friends are all married with cute kids and white picket fences and mortgages and company cars and they have their own lives. and though they try to include me, im acutely aware that i am the odd one out.
I live in a fairly rural district that is lacking quality men that meet my criteria (christian, non alcohol or drugs etc) and my agoraphobia prevents me from going further afield too often, so i dont meet new guys very often. and when i do, i feel like they are looking at me like im shrek. without the green skin.
is this all i have to look forward too? a life of solitude and boredom? i want someone to accept me for ME. i just want God to place someone in my path who is capable of accepting me and loving me, flaws and all.
 
is that too much to ask? im starting to freak cos im nearly 29 and as far as i can tell, the whole 'marriage' ship seems to have sailed. sorry for being negative, just not feeling ultra loved or special right now.
 
Maz XX
            'He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.' (Psalm 147:3)                  
 
Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, CFS, Fibromyalgia, TMJ disorder, Endometriosis, PCOD, Chronic E.N.T infections, Reactive Arthritis, GERD, Sinusitis, IBS,  Allergies, Glandular fever, Migraines, Anemia, Chemical/Noise/Light sensitivity, Trichotilomania, PTSD, Seasonal Mood  Disorder, OCD, Benign Vertigo,  Impaired immune system. Tachycardia, tinnitus, low clotting factor= bruising. Tendonitis, Bursitis.
Meds: Zoloft 150mg. Xanax 4mg. Celebrex. Mobic. Panadeine Forte. Digesic.
Multiple surgeries- I bear the scars of my poor physical health.
Age:28. First diagnosed at 14. Proud Aussie.
 
 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40579
   Posted 12/28/2008 9:11 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Mazfire,

I didn't get married until I was in my thirties. So don't give up. Do you go to church? That is a good place to meet the type of men that you are looking for. Do not dispair. For love can be just around the corner. Wait for the right man. He will be there. It just takes time and when you least expect it, you will meet somebody.

My first husband passed away when I was in my fourties. I got remarried last year at 49. So it does happen.

Try not to focus on yourself and your looks so much. I bet that you are a beautiful lady. But when you constantly focus on the mirror, you tend to see flaws. Flaws that nobody else would ever notice. I hate my own pictures, they make me look fat. And I was never very photogenic. So I just don't look. I am happier that way.

I wish for you a wonderful painfree day.

Luv and hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 12/28/2008 9:15 AM (GMT -7)   

Dear Maz,

Kick those fears to the curb sweetie.  It is time to begin a new year and you need to get past the worry about your body image.  Now this advice is coming from someone who has been fixated on body image since she was 17.  smhair

Because thin females and muscular males are seen as the ideal in our society and because we have come to believe that body size and shape are totally under a person's control, most people enter diet and exercise programs with unrealistic goals and expectations. If you continually strive to achieve a socially imposed ideal, you will never be free of your insecurities or your self-consciousness. You must truly realize and then learn to accept that we are not all meant to be fashion-model size.

I have gained 25 pounds since starting AD and I do not want to run into anyone who knew me before as I am sure they will assume I have really packed on the pounds by eating............and people can be stupid.  They will tell you right out.........."see you have porked up a bit."  OUCH. I understand you well.

For many people, life's problems are projected onto their body. "If only I were thinner......., I would have made the team, gotten the job, been chosen. . . . If only I were thinner-- I could meet more people, find the right guy, be happy." This self-defeating habit is reinforced by the images we see in advertising; your body becomes an easy target for everything wrong in your life.

Accept your size. Love and appreciate the body you have. Self-acceptance empowers you to move on and make positive changes. You need your meds.  :)

Recognize your unique attractivness.  I have seen you pictures...................you are beautiful .

Gentle Hugs to my friend,

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


Nanners
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 14995
   Posted 12/28/2008 9:26 AM (GMT -7)   
Maz why don't you ask God to bring that special person into your life? Thats what I did, and when I waited for God he brought me my wonderful husband. I had been single for years and thought that because of my many health issues I would never find someone again. But I continued to pray that God would bring the right person into my life. I know it seems pretty simplistic, but it worked. I can tell from this site that you are a beautiful and caring person and anyone would be lucky to have you. Its not whats on the outside that counts, but the inside, and I know you have a heart of gold, and that person will be along when you least expect it.

Hugs,
Gail *Nanners*
Been living with Crohn's Disease for 33 years.  Currently on Asacol, Prilosec, Estrace, Prinivil, Diltiazem, Percoset prn for pain, Zofran, Phenergan, Probiotics, and Calcium.  Resections in 2002 and 2005.  Also diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and Osteoarthritis. Currently my Crohns is in remission.


Hibee
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 6490
   Posted 12/28/2008 12:00 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Maz

I hope you find that special person that you are looking for, I know were you are coming from on this subject I have been single for 7 years and i am now 33yrs old I find it hard to meet girls as my anxiety gets so bad with the whole social anxiety issues i have. All my friends are getting married and having kids and i feel very depressed about the whole thing as i think like you time is running out, I dont want to grow old and end up on my own and really do hope i will meet the girl of my dreams and be able to settle down. I spend a lot of time thinking about this and get down about the whole thing and get upset that my anxiety is preventing me from having the confidence to go out and meet girls.

I really hope that you meet that special person Maz.

Take Care

Ben

ocean1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 707
   Posted 12/28/2008 12:04 PM (GMT -7)   

Maz,

I am 47 and never married.  I understand the feelings you are describing.  I see my brother and sisters married many years now with kids and yeh, at times, I feel very alone and sad that I don't have what they have.  I'm one who used to look at my body image and hate myself.  For me, now, I have accepted that I am who I am and if someone can't love me for me, then he isn't worth having.  I can't say I love being single, but if it is how my life was meant to be then so be it.  I do pray to god for a special man but until that special man arrives, I live my life to the fullest.  You are still very young at 29.  Many people I know did not get married until their mid to late 30s or later.  You still have your whole life ahead of you.  So much possibility out there for you.  I really do understand but instead of focusing on what you don't have and what your life is lacking, sit down and really look at what you do have and what you want and where you want to be and full steam ahead GO FOR IT. 


Diane
LET US BE GRATEFUL TO PEOPLE WHO MAKE US HAPPY. 
THEY ARE THE CHARMING GARDENERS WHO MAKE OUR SOULS BLOSSOM.

Anxiety 2007; IBS 2004; Chronic Hives 2002.  Medications:  Allegra, Zantac, Xanax, Darvocet.


percycat
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 1952
   Posted 12/28/2008 12:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Maz,

I've always admired those heavy women who are confident in their own beauty. You see them sometimes as models or on talk shows, but I've also lived in some cosmopolitan communities, and certain cultures seem to have much healthier ideas of women's body image than the American Hollywood view does. It's hard to accept that something you don't like has become a part of your life, though. Maybe you could try to replace every negative thought about your apeearance with something positive - I know it's tough, but maybe helps a tiny bit?

On the relationship side, I had written men off after a couple of bad (one abusive) relationships. Suddenly, my fiance appeared out of the blue. I know people are always telling this kind of story, and I thought it was lame too, when I didn't want to be single, but didn't live in a place with many opportunities. Yet it does happen that you can meet someone to care about when things seem bleak. I hope you do soon!

percycat

Green Grove
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 2424
   Posted 12/28/2008 12:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Maz,

I'm sorry you feel the way you do about yourself, because I've always found inner beauty to be the most important thing. And you are very beautiful my friend! Most rational people "like the guy you would like to meet" is should think on these lines or they won't have the same morales that you have. You are kind, sweet, and give so much of yourself to help others. Why you should be proud of who you are and all that you have accomplished in your life. Maybe God has not thrown your future mate in your path yet because it is not the right time. Better IMO to wait for the right guy than go through several losers that are going to drag your self image down. You are a strong and capable woman and you know what all of us are saying to you is true :)

Luv ya Maz and keep your chin up!


Much Love, Hugs, Peace and Comfort!!!
Your Bro,
Sam
   
"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years"
~ Abraham Lincoln ~
 
Not a medical professional.  Seek your physician's advice
before making changes to your meds or lifestyle :)


Aries8
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 1015
   Posted 12/28/2008 12:13 PM (GMT -7)   
I didn't get married until my thirties, also. When you least expect it, the man of your dreams will show up. Also, a good point was made by someone else. We always tend to see flaws in ourselves that others probably won't. We're more critical of ourselves. Begin to accept yourself and maybe find something to keep your mind busy.

Mazfire
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1683
   Posted 12/28/2008 1:59 PM (GMT -7)   
Nanners said...
Maz why don't you ask God to bring that special person into your life? Thats what I did, and when I waited for God he brought me my wonderful husband. I had been single for years and thought that because of my many health issues I would never find someone again. But I continued to pray that God would bring the right person into my life. I know it seems pretty simplistic, but it worked. I can tell from this site that you are a beautiful and caring person and anyone would be lucky to have you. Its not whats on the outside that counts, but the inside, and I know you have a heart of gold, and that person will be along when you least expect it.

Hugs,
Gail *Nanners*

oh Gail i do this all the time. God and me both know how much i need a good man and i am leaving it in His hands- my past relationships have all been with so called christians, but they were abusive or there were drugs involved etc, most unpleasant so im counting on God to send me a decent guy....i pray about this regularly.
love you Gail, you are awesome.
 
Everyone else who responded, thankyou thankyou thankyou!!!
 
Maz XX
            'He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.' (Psalm 147:3)                  
 
Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, CFS, Fibromyalgia, TMJ disorder, Endometriosis, PCOD, Chronic E.N.T infections, Reactive Arthritis, GERD, Sinusitis, IBS,  Allergies, Glandular fever, Migraines, Anemia, Chemical/Noise/Light sensitivity, Trichotilomania, PTSD, Seasonal Mood  Disorder, OCD, Benign Vertigo,  Impaired immune system. Tachycardia, tinnitus, low clotting factor= bruising. Tendonitis, Bursitis.
Meds: Zoloft 150mg. Xanax 4mg. Celebrex. Mobic. Panadeine Forte. Digesic.
Multiple surgeries- I bear the scars of my poor physical health.
Age:28. First diagnosed at 14. Proud Aussie.
 
 


paniccu
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1009
   Posted 12/28/2008 3:14 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey there. Your ship has not sailed! Plenty of my friends waited until their mid thirties or later to get married and they have some of the happiest marriages out there. They really knew who they were and what they wanted from a partner and didn't settle. If you are looking for a serious releationship, I would suggest that you try one of the internet dating services or maybe even a christian singles group. It's hard to meet people once your out of school. I used to be skeptical about it, but 3 of my friends ended up getting married through meeting men on an internet dating service and another friend of mine is very serious and happy with someone she met online. Of course you have to be really careful, but I think the stigma with internet dating is starting to go away as people wait longer to get married and realize that mr right is probably not at the corner bar.

kam#7
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 125
   Posted 12/28/2008 11:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello -

I just got married in Oct at the age of 35 - It was worth the wait! I met him online :-) I never thought I would meet a man who loved me the way he does. I cannot believe all of the jerks I put up with over the years. Take it from me, don't settle! I agree with all of the other posts - put it in God's hands.

Keep your head held high! You deserve the very best.
35 year old female (newly married) - Diagnosed w/Crohn's 2002 - Surgery 2004

Currently taking: Pentasa, Entocort, Imuran, Zoloft, Seroquel & Ativan as needed


Mazfire
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1683
   Posted 12/29/2008 12:30 AM (GMT -7)   

i really appreciate the support guys- when i was younger i never lacked male attention, i (for real) had the same body measurements as Elle Macpherson (im not arrogant, its just a fact- same measurements) and since i stacked on the weight, i have withdrawn as i see any potential suitors withdraw when they see i went and 'let myself go' as someone once told me.

so im still 6ft tall, but now im curvy- and because im assertive and confident and choosy, men run a mile. heaven forbid i have an opinion, an original thought, be intelligent- i dont want to be someones piece of meat or trophy wife.

i want someone to love me for my substance- i pray that i learn to love myself and give myself permission to be happy-

Maz XX


            'He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.' (Psalm 147:3)                  
 
Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, CFS, Fibromyalgia, TMJ disorder, Endometriosis, PCOS, Chronic E.N.T infections, Reactive Arthritis, GERD, Sinusitis, IBS,  Allergies, Glandular fever, Migraines, Anemia, Chemical/Noise/Light sensitivity, Trichotilomania, PTSD, Seasonal Mood  Disorder, OCD, Benign Vertigo,  Impaired immune system. Tachycardia, tinnitus, low clotting factor= bruising. Tendonitis, Bursitis.
Meds: Zoloft 150mg. Xanax 4mg. Celebrex. Mobic. Panadeine Forte. Digesic. Nexium.
Multiple surgeries- I bear the scars of my poor physical health.
Age:28. First diagnosed at 14. Proud Aussie.
 
 


percycat
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 1952
   Posted 12/29/2008 7:59 AM (GMT -7)   
Maz,

You wrote "i pray that i learn to love myself and give myself permission to be happy." Those are the best goals, in my opinion. The other things come once you feel better about yourself, or sometimes you decide that those other things aren't really so important.

I think you sound like a great person, and I am really rooting for you to find the happiness and contentment you deserve!

percycat

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 12/29/2008 8:37 AM (GMT -7)   

Maz,

Try the old list writing.............

Write down all the good things about you and look at that list and say "Hey I am a great person"

I am sure it is harder having been thin and then having to take meds that pack on pounds.  I was never thin but for once in my life.

OK, tis Monday here so heads up my friend.......and I might send you a laugh or too.

Hugs

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


TeacherBetsy
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 12/29/2008 12:26 PM (GMT -7)   
One of my favorite couples are a pair of friends at my church who did not marry until they were in their early 40s. They are very happy together and have been married now for nearly 12 years. I am 37 and have never married, but I never think that it is too late if someday I decide that I want to have that life.

You mention in your posting that you were confident in those long-term relationships, yet all of them had elements of abuse. I would think that you are a stronger person for having made it through those experiences. Perhaps it is okay to take your time with finding someone. In the meantime, have faith and take it a day at a time.
Dx Crohn's Disease 1996
Have taken Prednisone, Pentasa, Rowasa, and Asacol
Currently on Asacol 2400 mg daily to manage remission
 
 


FitzyK23
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 4219
   Posted 12/29/2008 6:44 PM (GMT -7)   
You need to take a vacation to a country that finds curvy beautiful. I spent a summer in Spain and at the time was underweight. Guys barely glanced at me. Now I have a friend who always thinks she is overweight and is tall like you and she had a LINE of guys at the clubs waiting to dance with her. So try Spain or Portugal lol.
27 Year old married female law student (last year!!). Diagnosed w/ CD 4 years ago, IBS for over 10 years before that, which was probably the CD. I am sort of lactose intollerant too but can handle anything cultured and do well w/ lactose pills and lactaid. For crohns I am currently on Pentasa 4 pills/4x day and hysociamine prn. I also have bad acid reflux and have been on PPI's since age 13. I have been through prilosec, prevacid, and nexium. Currently I am on Protonix in the morning and Zantac at night. I also take a birth control pill to allow some fun in my life.

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