Obsessing "Did I handle that right?" - How do you let it go?

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percycat
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   Posted 1/13/2009 9:17 PM (GMT -7)   
All,
 
We've had several threads about obsessive thoughts, and how hard it is for some of us to just let go of thoughts and ideas that spin round and round and won't settle down.
 
Since I got blindsided at work today by a colleague's very underhanded sniping in a division meeting, I'm thinking over and over about the episode, my reaction, and what I should have done.  Thanks to my wonderful hubby-to-be, I've been able to settle down already and accept that wow!, maybe I handled that really, really well. 
 
But I know that I obsess about conflict a *LOT*.  When there's a problem with someone, I can't let go of thinking about what it meants, how I reacted, should I have done something different, trying to plan ahead, I guess, so that I don't feel thrown out of control the next time.
 
Anyhow, sorry for the long lead-in, but I thought this might be a good question:
 
How do you deal with the "Did I handle that right?" obsession (or just fear of conflict)?
 
I'm afraid my best answer right now is: I got lucky and managed to do something I feel satisfied about.  Let me dwell on being proud of getting through it well instead of beating myself up.  Also, if I did okay this time, I guess I have some skills I didn't recognize; I'll try to trust that they'll be there next time I need them too. 
 
percycat

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Aries8
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   Posted 1/13/2009 9:32 PM (GMT -7)   
I do the same thing. I realized how bad it was about a week or two ago. I was still obsessing about something someone had said to me hours after. It was a first for me to realize that I do that. I wrote down what had been said and my thoughts in my journal. It helps me to remember not to do it any more. When it happens, try to redirect your thoughts. It will work eventually.
Anxiety Disorder/Mitral Valve Prolapse
 
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percycat
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   Posted 1/13/2009 9:37 PM (GMT -7)   
Aries,

Oooh, I like the journal idea. I can see how it would help to get the thought out of being stuck in your head, when you put it down on the paper.

I *will* try that. Thanks!

percycat

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Green Grove
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   Posted 1/13/2009 9:37 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Percycat :)

This is a great thread my dear friend :) I also have issues with obsessing about conflict so much that I have just stopped here recently thinking about things that happened to me years ago. And all of that worrying and planning to avoid negative situations in the future is so tough too. Here is a couple of things that are helping me to work on this.

Therapy for one has been great on making me change my ways of thinking which were very negative and became a bad habit. I have been "reprogramming" myself on this using baby steps. Something else that stuck in my mind was a friend asking me way I was freaking out about stuff that happened so long ago, and saying that I was the one giving them the power to still hurt me, because in reality they have done moved on with their lives and probably did not give me or a particular situation a second thought. She was right. I also work with focusing on the positives in life and showing gratitude to God and the people around me. Definitely puts me in a new perspective :) Other than that I feel like I have more power and control in my life right now. . . which helps me to blow so much stuff that used to bother me away from my life. Conflict only becomes negative when a person allows it into their lives and reacts badly to it and I see the light now :) Got a long way to go with this but I'm trying and won't beat myself up over it :)

Peace and comfort,
Your Bro
Take care and have a wonderful day! . . . Your Bro . . . Sam :)
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Green Grove
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Date Joined Oct 2008
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   Posted 1/13/2009 9:40 PM (GMT -7)   
Great one Aries :) I forgot about the journaling because I've been slipping on that part of my therapy, lol :) It is a great way to get things out there and literally slam the cover on it :) I've also heard that writing a letter with all you troubles and burning it/ripping it up is therapuetic as well :)

I think I'm going to get back to writing some more :) Thanks!


Take care and have a wonderful day! . . . Your Bro . . . Sam :)
 ~Co-Moderator Anxiety & Panic Forum~
  "When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on."
~Franklin D. Roosevelt~
Not a professional.  Seek your physician's advice before making changes to your meds or lifestyle.
 


Aries8
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   Posted 1/13/2009 9:42 PM (GMT -7)   
Good point! By obsessing about things we're giving the power to the other person/people to make us feel badly. That's so true!
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ocean1
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   Posted 1/14/2009 2:44 PM (GMT -7)   
Wish I could post some really thoughtful and insightful response to this one but I am one of those people that avoids conflict at any cost.  I constantly worry am I handling a situation right or did I say the right thing or should I have said something else or done something different.  I am very interested in reading the response here as hopefully they will give me some ideas.  Great question.

Diane
LET US BE GRATEFUL TO PEOPLE WHO MAKE US HAPPY. 
THEY ARE THE CHARMING GARDENERS WHO MAKE OUR SOULS BLOSSOM.

Anxiety 2007; IBS 2004; Chronic Hives 2002.  Medications:  Allegra, Zantac, Xanax, Darvocet.


stkitt
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   Posted 1/14/2009 3:00 PM (GMT -7)   

Percycat,

You did not get lucky, you handled the situation as you should have and did it with pride and self esteem as that is who you are.   smhair   So throw out the negative and keep the positive coming sweetie. You are learning to be assertive and handle others as they should be and without conflict.  Your a winner my dear lady.

I am very proud of you.  (((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

Kitt.


 

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Mizzbeeutiful
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   Posted 1/14/2009 5:38 PM (GMT -7)   
I also spend too much time dwelling on conflicts but after a few days tossing around different scenarios in my head i finally tell myself that anything that i may have said during a conflict was how i was feeling at the moment and i shouldnt fault myself for expressing my thoughts because its better out than in right? But sometimes i often find myself writing a letter to the person (even though i never intend for them to receive it) expressing anything else that i may be holding in from the conflict and i find that also helps, i destroy the letter a day or two later.

SleepyBug
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   Posted 1/14/2009 8:05 PM (GMT -7)   
percycat,

i do this all the time, too. i hate conflict and whenever i am faced with it, i go blank during the incident itself and then obsess about what i should have said afterwards! i agree with mizzbeeutiful that it can be very theraputic to write a letter telling that other person all you wish you'd said to them in person. usually after i do this, i burn it. it really seems to help me a lot. (this also works for me when i'm angry at someone, or hurt by something someone said or did, even if there was no actual direct conflict with that person..)
love and hugs
~danielle

this being human is a guest house.
every morning a new arrival-a joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awarenewss comes as an unexpected visitor.
welcome and entertain them all!
even if they're a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture,still, treat each guest honorably
he may be clearing you out for some new delight.
~rumi


percycat
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   Posted 1/15/2009 11:59 AM (GMT -7)   
These are all great suggestions! Thanks, Sleepybug, Mizzbeautiful, Aries, Diane, Sam, and Kitt!

percycat

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Co-Moderator, Anxiety and Panic Forum


Howlyncat
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   Posted 1/15/2009 12:02 PM (GMT -7)   
I USE to obsess over my reactions to things and ppl but I will NOT give my power to them any longer they know just how to use and abuse it and me ..........

Good thread
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Fibro & Other DD

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Green Grove
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Date Joined Oct 2008
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   Posted 1/15/2009 2:52 PM (GMT -7)   
I agree with you on that one Lyn. . . Too many negative people out there that likes to bait others into wild emotions. . . I just ignore these kinds of induviduals because I don't have the time for it. More important things in life IMO :)
Much Love, Hugs, Peace & Comfort . . . Your Bro . . . Sam :)
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Corrie_1
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Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 185
   Posted 1/15/2009 3:15 PM (GMT -7)   
I say these words:

"Okay, I acknowledge what happened, I can now learn from it, and do better next time"

I sometimes have to say that over and over again before my thoughts settle... I think it helps with me being a perfectionist, since I try and refuse the thoughts of what I could have done better as a negative thing warrant.

I avoid conflict, but when it does happen I usually feel awful afterwards and have to calm myself down.
Diagnosed with Fibro - October 2008


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Korissa
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Date Joined Oct 2006
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   Posted 1/15/2009 8:02 PM (GMT -7)   
The one's I can't get over even years later are incidents when I did or said something that hurt or disappointed someone, usually because I was just stupid, not because I was mean or abusive. Also, the sins of omission. Yes, even years later I wish I could go back and fix what I said or did not do that I should have done.

I try to tell myself I'm only human and make mistakes, but then think of so-and-so and think I'll bet that person never did anything like that. And these things are not anything malicious that I've done.

I honestly must believe that there are perfect people in the world!
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