need advice bad

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machelle
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 491
   Posted 2/4/2009 5:59 AM (GMT -7)   
this weekend a guy that my husband used to know passed away. well there's a story when we where dating (me and my husband now) i used to clean a movie theater at night so i could be with my daughter during the day. well i was scared to be there alone and husband at first stayed and then he brought a friend named donald , well eventually my husband didn't want to come up there and donald started staying which i really didn't want because he gave me a creepy feeling, but i was scared to be there alone, well after a few days i was more scared of him, he would stay right by me the whole time i cleaned, which creeped me out , he would say that he drove several times by my house but didn't stop because my husband then boyfriend was there, its like what, i ended up quitting my job and going back to cashier and it didn't stop, he would come in and stand in the lobby and stare at me for hours, not saying anything and my boss got concerned and told either get out are he was calling the cops, so he started siting in the parking lot watching me, eventually he stopped because he met someone, i never was attracted to him or gave him any indications i was interested in him, he was too creepy, well when we where in town recently if my husband saw him he would tell to go off somewhere and hide from him, he had a dead stare a very creepy make you
scared stare. well this went on. now he passed away and my husband knew him for a while before we met, and he knew he had did this to another girl, i think he had threaten to kill her family and her, because she was not interested in him, which i did not find this out from my husband till after he was up there with me, i got mad at my husband because he went to his funeral, wake and hung out with the family like nothing had ever happened i am hurt by this, i feel like i don't matter

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 2/4/2009 6:10 AM (GMT -7)   
 
From what you have posted your husband and you were both aware that this person was not stable..............did you ever get a restraining order or did your husband ever talk to this man and tell him to stay away?
 
I know you feel betrayed that your husband chose to go to the funeral but perhaps it was his way of letting go of this person and he always had a chance to see the family which is what funerals are really for.  The deceased is already moved on.
 
IMHO I would let go of your anger at your husband and put this "creepy person" to rest in your mind.  He is gone and cannot hurt you.
Hugs to you
Kitt

The art of being wise is knowing what to overlook.
William James


machelle
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 491
   Posted 2/4/2009 1:19 PM (GMT 0)   
my husband had told him in the past to stay away but he said he wouldn't till i said to his face, which i was scared of him, the only reason this guy didn't kill the girl before me is a friend talked him out of it, he had a gun and was ready to do it, he said that he would kill her and all her family in the house.i just can't imagine going to a funeral of a ex friend that would have done this to my boyfriend.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 2/4/2009 6:32 AM (GMT -7)   

machelle,

Please do stay in the moment sweetie and remember, the "scary guy" is dead and you cannot blame his faults and actions on his family.  Your S.O. felt a need to go and out of respect to him I think you would be best to let go of this anger and hurt.

Just my 2 cents worth.

He did not go to hurt you.  I am sure of that.

Forgive the deceased and let him rest in peace.

Kitt


Green Grove
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 2424
   Posted 2/4/2009 12:07 PM (GMT -7)   

I agree with Kitt, Machelle, and I would just like to say I'm sorry that you went through this. . .  The man is gone now so now you can move on into your future without the fear.  As a guy I can say that many of us men don't feel the deep emotions a woman does and the scary thoughts many of you carry with you because of the things that could happen to you all that we don't experience as much, so your husband is probably doing what feels right for him and can not understand the depths of your feelings about this situation. . . I'm sure he loves you deeply and would never hurt you if he knew.

I wish you and your hubby the best. . . I pray you can let it go and just be the great woman that you are :)

Sam :)


Post Edited (Green Grove) : 2/4/2009 1:18:27 PM (GMT-7)


Aries8
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 1015
   Posted 2/4/2009 12:24 PM (GMT -7)   
What did your husband say was his reason for going to the funeral? Your husband had known this man was trouble when he was bringing him along to the theatre. That would bother me more than him going to the funeral. I would find out his reasoning and perhaps you can put this behind you. More than likely, your husband meant nothing by any of this and loves you deeply. Good luck!



Anxiety Disorder/Mitral Valve Prolapse
 
Prozac and Carvedilol


paniccu
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1009
   Posted 2/4/2009 7:50 PM (GMT 0)   
Funerals are more for the living than the dead. All I can think of is maybe your DH went to the funeral because he knew the family and wanted to be supportive or if he knew the guy through work, maybe he felt he was expected to go. Sorry you went through such a scary situation in the past. I am glad that's it's over for you though.

machelle
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 491
   Posted 2/4/2009 1:56 PM (GMT -7)   
alot of times my husband tries to find good in people , i understand him on this, but you can't always find good in everyone i try to tell him that, but in this case there is is alot of whys in my head, i love my husband but, i thank why did he go, i know men thank different, and we think alot in emotion, but i was really scared of this guy, and he knew it, i don't know if there is a right answer in this situation. thank you all for your help its nice to have someone who can listen

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 2/4/2009 5:00 PM (GMT -7)   

Machelle,

I still think the funeral is for this man's family and I don't know that staying away from his funeral because of his illnesses and  threats is fair to the family. I really would think about the good things in your life and choose your battles.

Other then wanting to pay his respects to the family and perhaps connect with some old friends who never did you harm I do not see that he was disrespectful of your wishes.

I hope you can let go or this or talk it out with your hubby.

Hugs

Kitt

 


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

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gilly-love
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 204
   Posted 2/4/2009 5:15 PM (GMT -7)   
It is a very frightning feeling to be stalked...I am taking a break from men at the moment as I have reciently been in a similar situation....He was everywhere, outside my house, stalking me, on the phone, sending Txt, hundreds. I threatened to call the police many times. He scared me!! I think it is natural to feel a little angry or betrayed. If u are like me you are still a little shakey from the whole experience and the sudden death may have brought all these natural feeling back 10 fold! I think it is time to let the fear go and move on. Dont hold it against your husband or boyfriend. Try your hardest to release it as resentment, fear and anger can make you very sick if you hold it for to long. I do understand your feelings and I feel for you but i do know you will let it go and move on when you are ready. You are a surviver babe! Be proud! gillxx


 

"Define the moment or....the moment will define you!"

xox

Life is short!  Break the rules!  Forgive quickly!  Kiss slowly!
Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably
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And never regret anything that made you smile

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Post Edited (gilly-love) : 2/4/2009 5:18:03 PM (GMT-7)

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