Slipping in my therapy. . . Feeling lost and just tired about "blood" family

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

Green Grove
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 2424
   Posted 2/11/2009 1:17 PM (GMT -7)   
I've been going through so much lately my friends.  I have been slipping in my therapy lately and can't seem to get back into the groove of it.  I am always so busy, which is my fault because I always try to take on so much at one time, but there are just some things that have to be done.  Like, for example, taking care of my grandmother has fallen squarely on my shoulders because the rest of the family was just waiting for her to pass so they could fight over the money and farm.  But when I took over to keep her out of the nursing home, they all just went away. . . I am really ticked off at them, because she is a wonderful woman that has sacrificed her entire life for family, and it seems like all of the good ones are gone from us now.  The selfish ones left periodically tell me what a bad person I am, just because I've actually bought out my shares of the farm and have earned the rest of them becoming the sole heir.  This was never my intention, and these people drive me crazy because if they would have stuck her in a retirement facility, all would have been taken anyway, and now with the economy, we are both watching our life savings go down the toilet real quick.  I never cared about the money or stupid crap like that anyway, because I feel so grateful to be spending the last years we have together. . . My money grubbing family make me sick and here the majority of them are twice my age and very juvenile about the "real" things in life.  At times I've thought about just doing what I made a promise to do for my grandmother until she is in heaven, then just flinging the rest at them while I move on and start over again. . . I just might yet.
 
It is something that bugs me on a very deep level though.  I have worked myself to the bone on this farm trying to bring it back to its original glory not only out of propriety, but also to just make sure we survive through our new "Great Depression".  And it is one of the hardest things I've taken on. I have costochondritis from an old car wreck in which I almost lost my life because of my rib cage being shattered along with my sternum that collapsed my right lung, bruising my heart, then walking with a cane because of my right hip the past 4 years is taking its toll on being able to get things done.  After doing all the daily chores I just collapse at times from pain and frustration. . . I need to have my hip replaced, but don't have the proper insurance or finances at this time to risk putting us on the streets.  My deductible is $5,200 that has to be paid up front and I'm getting ready to bump it higher to bring down the premium because of the bills getting so high now for everyone. . . Kind of just keeping it for a huge emergency so I won't go bankrupt if something bad happens, and as all of you know personally and have experienced with loved ones, that is something that is always a possiblility. . . I just can't break free from this cycle because I'm bound by duty and by whom I am to do the right thing by following through with my promises.  There is not really much to do anyway because I would never leave anyone I love hanging because that is not me.  I am proud to be an honorable man, but a part of me that is still like a kid wishes sometimes that I had the courage to just run away. . . Yeah, you all heard me say it. . . Run away from my problems. . . So very mature, eh?
 
Sorry about this crazy rant. . . I've wanted to post it for some time along with other things, but this time I'm not going to hit the cancel or delete button.  You all are friends and more of a real family than many "blood" family members of mine, and deserve to know some things about me. . . I feel like this is a way for people to get to know each other, and I promise there is more, but I'm not going to lay it all out for you right now my friends.  For one there is the rule about long posts and I also don't want to freak anyone out :)  Does anyone have any advice or can relate?  How can I fit in all the important things in my schedule?  We all have to keep marching on in this life and I'm just lost right now. . .
 
Your Bro Sam :)
 
 

Post Edited (Green Grove) : 2/11/2009 1:20:42 PM (GMT-7)


Hibee
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 6488
   Posted 2/11/2009 1:42 PM (GMT -7)   
Sam

You did not wright a crazy rant, this is a support group and we are here to listen and help each other through the hard times which affect us please do tell us more and if we can offer support and advise we will. Im sorry to here you are having a rough time of it Sam, from what you have written it sounds to me like you have done a fantastic job looking after the farm and your grandmother something which im sure she will appreciate so well done for that. I can relate to slipping with your therapy as I am having the same problem I think when you have so much going on mentally it is hard to take a step back and look at how to improve things and you seem to get stuck in the cycle of anxiety. All I can say is Sam you are a wonderful person and you do a great job here on the forum and on the farm, you have helped me so much and if I can be of any help let me know. If you can start the moodgym again that would help I think Sam take care of yourself and know we will always be here to listen and support you as you have supported us.

Your Friend

Ben

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 2/11/2009 4:53 PM (GMT -7)   

Dear Sam I Am...

Well it is about time you got this posted.  Remember we are family and you do not have to carry any burden alone. 

Your unkind relatives are people you do not need to have in your life so remember just because they are in the family does not mean you have to subject yourself to their opinions or coments.

You are with your Grandmother becuase you love her and that is the right reason to be where you are today.

Someday the money grubbers will be back wanting the bucks they think is theirs but as you have worked off the cost of your share of owning the farm and you are maintaining it, tell them to hit the road. 

I went through this same garbage when my oldest sister died on Thanksgiving Day in 2007.  The money grubbers drove to the hospital to see her and then left as they had turkey to eat and football to watch. My sister Beverly and I were with My oldest sister when she died that day.  The Doctors had even told the rest of the family she would not make it through the day, but the comments were " Well there is nothing we can do sitting here, she doe not know we are here anyhow."

They got all the money and have been spending it on booze, drugs, trips..............etc.  All I took was the ring she was wearing...............  They were going through her stuff before she was even buried. These people mean nothing to me anymore and even having to say hello to them is hard for me.

I learned thow, my dear Sam,  I learned that there are truly selfish people in this world and I am glad I am not one of them.  
You are a kind and caring person but please take care of you.................do not dwell of the behavior of these relatives as it will poison your mind. 

Remember that anger is not wrong as it is a normal human emotion. We are born with the ability to feel anger.

There are times when we should get angry and stand up for our rights or the rights of others who cannot do it for themselves. This is what you have done for your Grandma.

Know your limitations Sam and give yourself some space.

You have my support and prayers to help you get through this tough time.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt

 


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


Nanners
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 14995
   Posted 2/11/2009 5:08 PM (GMT -7)   
Family, we all have the problem with them. Be proud of yourself for making your Grandma's wishes come true. I bet it has been her desire always to pass in her own home. That was my Mom's wish. Although it didn't work out that way, I am glad that I stayed with her till the end. There are selfish people everywhere, don't let these selfish people get you down. Do what your heart tells you and you can never go wrong. Its obvious you love your Gma and she is lucky to have you.

Glad you posted the trials you are having. Never feel like a burden thats what we are here for.

Hugs,
Gail *Nanners*

P.S. Now if we can get Ms Kitt to do the same I will be happy:)
Gail*Nanners* Co-Moderator for Anxiety/Panic Forum
Been living with Crohn's Disease for 33 years. Currently on Asacol, Prilosec, Estrace, Prinivil, Diltiazem, Percoset prn for pain, Zofran, Phenergan, Probiotics, and Calcium and Xanax as needed. Resections in 2002 and 2005. Also diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and Osteoarthritis and Anxiety. Currently my Crohns is in remission.
*Every tomorrow has two handles.  We can take hold of it by the handle of anxiety, or by the handle of faith"*

shedontwearsocks
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 60
   Posted 2/11/2009 6:03 PM (GMT -7)   

Dear Sam,

i wish you and your grandmother the best of luck! i am very sorry to hear about the rest of your family not being there to help, i can completely relate. i am in a similar situation with my dad, as i am an only child and my family lives very far away. i think it's wonderful that you have a kind heart and are compassionate enough to care for your grandmother and take on that responsibility, i know it can be very stressful and extremely exhausting at times. just know your family is all here for you on this forum, and we will support you in any way we can, but please don't let your therapy slide, because in order for you to be the best caretaker you can be, you have to be feeling the best you can.....

hugs,

megan :-)


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 2/12/2009 6:42 AM (GMT -7)   

Good Morning Sam,

I am going to amend Garen's comment to "listen to all of the member's who support and care deeply for you here in the HealingWell Family"

Count on all of us as we are here for you and we will do whatever we can  to help you.
 
Sam, you are a good person, you give wise and kind support and advice to all.  You lift people up when they are down and you are respected and loved by all here so know you are following the right path in your life.  The bumps in the road are sometimes more like little mole hills or even bluffs at times but you, my friend, could climb a mountain if you had to.
 
Keep talking with us.  We are right here.
 
Hugs
Kitt
 
 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


melodee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 800
   Posted 2/12/2009 8:02 AM (GMT -7)   

Dear Sam,

I am so sorry you are going thru so much right now. You have every right to post your rant, my friend. You can't keep it all in, the stress will eat you up alive. You know Sam, it seems that we have so much in common, because not only are we both perfectionists, but also we took on the role of a caregiver.  It's very challenging and can cause physical exhaustion and emotional strain for months....or years. It took me at least 4 years to completely recuperate from the stress caused by caregiving, but now that I look back, I believe I did a great thing for a family member, and I am really proud of it. I am glad that I was able to give something back in return to the person, because like your grandma, she had sacrificed her whole life for the family. I know the feeling of wanting to run away. No, it is not immature. Don't be so hard on yourself, Sam. You are a strong man, with a great heart and soul, you should be very proud of yourself for being who you are and what you have accomplished so far. :)

As a caregiver, and being under all that stress, you will need to take a break once in a while. Can you leave the house for a few hours and meet and talk with a friend during the daytime? What are your interests and hobbies? Can you focus on something you like for one or two hours a day, and then return to your caregiving duties? Give yourself 1-2 hours a day or even more to relax and set your mind free from your worries. That is the only way you can survive as a caregiver. I did that, too. I found ways to distract myself. Take some time to recharge your battery. It will not only give you peace of mind, it will help you feel good about yourself. :)

You're a great man, Sam. Be proud of who you are.

Love, your friend, Melodee :)


Celey
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 1284
   Posted 2/12/2009 2:28 PM (GMT -7)   
*Hugs* I am still young (20 years old), and I have not really been in any kind of position to take care of anyone besides myself... but I can relate to the family problems.

I have, maybe, a couple of family members that aren't so selfish... but most of them are... When my grandpa died (for a good majority of my life I lived with my grandparents), everybody wanted his truck, his money, etc... There was a big fight about it... and even though, my grandma is still here.... I hear them talking about who's going to get what in regards to her house, things, etc... And that's all they care about. One of them... one of my aunts...

When I lived with my grandma, I was, what you could consider the housekeeper... I cooked sometimes (I did not have a great variety of foods that I knew how to cook, so, sometimes, my aunt would cook), I vaccumed, I did everybody's laundry (my aunt's, mine, my grandma's, and when my bro lived with us, my brother's), I did everybody's dishes, I dusted the shelves, cleaned the kitchen, carried in the grocieres and put away the groceries (no easy task, my Grandma buys enough to feed a small army)... During the spring and summer, I would also help my aunt take care of my Grandma's garden... I didn't get an allowance for any of this... and it didn't matter to me much that I didn't because throughout my life there really hasn't been too much that I have 'wanted'... besides, I knew my grandma couldn't afford it. My aunt, on the other hand, begs for pain pills everytime she has to do anything. She has, on occasion, actually got on her hands and knees to beg Grandma for pain pills. (She has a prior history of doing drugs... although, considering her behavior, I think she probably still does drugs. I know she drinks like its nobody's business.)

My aunt would tell me I didn't do enough around the house (I guess she wanted me to spend sun up to sun down working on... who knows what... //@.@\\'...) ... She would yell at me, tell me that my grandma is weak and feeble and all I care about is myself. The problem is that I'm overly sensitive... and even though, I knew somewhere in my mind that these things were untrue... I would feel horribly guilty and depressed about it. I guess the worst part about it was that I had tried to get close to her... I was hoping I could have someone to reach out to... Through all of her yelling, her pill-popping, and drinking... those hopes blew up in my face (This isn't the first time this has happened. I couldn't get close to anyone before the age of five because I was constantly moving from foster home to foster home. I tried to get close to my dad... he would sniff paint... and I won't mention the other things he's done. Tried to get close to a family friend... she also did drugs, and she would drink. I mentioned my grandfather... He's one of a few people that I got close to, but as I said, he's gone now. My grandma has always had good intentions, but I could never get close to her because she's kind of distant and, no matter how hard I tried to do something, she would always yell at me for not doing it right)...

Later on, several months before I was officially diagnosed with Crohn's disease... I got a job at Steak 'n Shake. I would do my schoolwork (I'm a very good student, usually making straight A's, or mostly A's and one B).... I would do as much housework as I could. And I did my best at my job (I loved working there because nobody ever told me I was doing things wrong. In fact, everybody loved that I was such a hard worker.)... I'd usually make around 100 dollars or so every two weeks. This means that I gave about 200 dollars to my grandma each month because I wanted to help out. Anything I had left over, I would keep. It usually wasn't much... maybe 20 dollars or so. Sometimes, I wouldn't have anything leftover at all. I used the 20 dollars to spend a toy or something necessary (like a Shed-Ender) for my Pug (now, living with the family friend I mentioned before) if she needed it..

Needless to say, I still got yelled at for not doing enough for my grandma and (because I was working and had less time to do things *I would still vacuum, do dishes, and laundry, at least*) not doing enough around the house...

Then, I got sick... I believe it was around November 2006... I had Crohn's disease. It was harder to keep up with my chores... I lost my job... and it was even hard to keep up with my schoolwork (I managed to get a balance of B's and A's, though) because I was in pain pretty much all the time (Not to mention, I was still trying to figure out what I could and couldn't eat)... :(... I still got yelled at. My aunt even said I must think I'm a queen when I was laid up in bed, most often curled in a ball, and in pain.

Before I got into college, another aunt came to live in with us. When I was a kid, she pretty much hated my guts, but she realized later that she was being irrational and apologized to me... She was really bad sick. She had Hepatitis C (it's gone, now, thank goodness) and cirrhosis of the liver. She wouldn't yell at me...

But now, since I've gone to college.... Even though she still has cirrhosis of the liver to deal with, she has to deal with all the housework now, and take care of her husband who has ended up in a wheelchair... And even though, my other aunt (the one that yelled at me all the time) is being employed to actually take care of my aunt... She doesn't do a darn thing. She still gets paid for it... My Grandma won't say anything, though, because since she has this job and is making money (doing nothing) she has her own car and doesn't have to drive my Grandma's anymore... //-_-\\'...

I feel kind of guilty even now for going to college, instead of staying there.... My Grandma didn't have to take me and my siblings in (something happened in the course of our lives which ended with us getting separated, but I won't get into that), but she did, anyway. My aunt (the one who isn't sick and yells a lot) always made it sound like I'm obligated to take care of my grandma...

But I manage to shake off the guilt because... my grandma did a lot for her kids when they were young... And since their the closest descendants, one of them should be helping to take care of her. I can't control them if they decide that they don't really care about her that much... I don't want to end up living the life my family has always lived..... working hard labor jobs for very little money... or whatever job they can find for very little money. I need to go to college, so that I can live a life better than that... Break the vicious cycle...

In a way, you could say that I kind of ran away... I decided to go to college, instead of stay in that mess. I'm not living with my grandma anymore... I don't have to deal with all of the family drama anymore (I still check up on them to see how they're doing, but I don't have to put up with the fighting, the yelling, etc.)... and it has done my mental health a lot better...

*Hugs again* So yeah, I definitely know how family trouble is. I don't know what advice to give ya... especially regarding fitting the important things in your schedule. You definitely need to try and get back into the routine of your therapy... Because all of this stuff you put up with will weigh you down... :(....

Also, I agree with the others about what they said in regards to sharing your problems with us. I haven't always been on this board (I didn't get on here until sometime after I had Crohn's disease), but I have had this friend that I talk to... and if it hadn't been for that friend listening to me and offering support throughout those bad times... I don't know how I would've gotten through it all...
I think I am being picked on by life, sometimes. But's that okay. Life and I are good buddies... I know life doesn't mean no harm. It just is the way it is. I can accept that.


ocean1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 707
   Posted 2/12/2009 2:53 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Sam.  I wish I could get in my car right now and drive to you fellow Missourian.  If you need me, I'm there.  You do have a lot on your plate with your own personal health problems and the anxiety on top of it all and running a farm and taking care of your grandma.  I want to say that you are one of the most compassionate men I have ever known.  You have taken on a lot of responsibility and given up so much of yourself to help others.  I cannot tell you how much respect I have for you.  You don't have a selfish bone in your body and the world needs more people like you.  You cannot control or change the "blood" relatives and how they act.  I know it bothers you and angers you that they are like they are and I feel the same way - angry that family would act like they do - money hungry and selfish.  My grandfather was not dead for more than an hour when some of his kids were in his apartment taking things they wanted.  My Mom and I were with him to the end at his side and went to his apartment hours after he has passed and were shocked at the sight of his apartment - the mattress had even been taken.  We were shocked and at the same time not at all surprised that my Mom's siblings had done it.  I do understand where you are coming from and how angry you are.  But, like I said, you cannot change these people and it is only hurting you to hold onto these feelings.  I know "letting go" is very hard.  You can only do so much and worrying about the things/people you can't control only makes things harder to deal with for you.  You ask how can you handle all the important things.  Just take things one step at a time.  None of us have time for everything each day.  We must pick and choose what must be done and what can be let go for that day.  I make a list each morning of what needs to be done and stick to it and there are days when I don't even get them done.  We are only human.  Most important, stay true to yourself and who you are inside and take care of yourself.  Value the person you are.  Never feel like you need to hit the "delete" button here.  We are here for you and venting is part of healing and keeping things inside also makes it fester and makes our anxiety rise.  I will be keeping in in my thoughts and prayers.  As for your therapy, maybe just do at least a little bit each day.  You don't have to constantly be "on".  Just doing a little each day will help.

Diane
LET US BE GRATEFUL TO PEOPLE WHO MAKE US HAPPY. 
THEY ARE THE CHARMING GARDENERS WHO MAKE OUR SOULS BLOSSOM.

Anxiety 2007; IBS 2004; Chronic Hives 2002.  Medications:  Allegra, Zantac, Xanax, Darvocet.


Green Grove
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 2424
   Posted 2/13/2009 12:01 AM (GMT -7)   
You all are so great and I thank you for all of the support and many compliments. . . Means so much to me and I could say many great things about you great folks :) I'll elaborate on this later, but I'm super tired right now. Just wanted to make sure all of you know I read your posts :) Probably won't be on until tomorrow eve.
Much Love, Hugs, Peace & Comfort . . . Your Bro . . . Sam :)
 ~Co-Moderator Anxiety & Panic Forum~
"Although the world is full of suffering. . . it is also full of the overcoming of it."
~Helen Keller~
Not a professional.  Seek your physician's advice before making changes to your meds or lifestyle.
 


Mazfire
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1683
   Posted 2/13/2009 1:29 AM (GMT -7)   

Sam i think you are amazing for taking on full care of your grandmother- what a selfless, kind person you are. screw the family members who dont provide support- you dont need negativity in your life. Honestly i really admire you for doing what you have done.

Take care mate,

L.A.S

Maz XX


            'He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.' (Psalm 147:3)                  
 
Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, CFS, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Sinusitis, TMJ disorder, Endometriosis, PCOS, Chronic E.N.T and Upper respiratory tract infections, Reactive Arthritis, GERD,  IBS, Glandular fever, Migraines, Anemia, Chemical/Noise/Light sensitivity, Trichotilomania, PTSD, Seasonal Mood  Disorder, OCD, Benign Vertigo,  Impaired immune system. Tachycardia, tinnitus, low clotting factor= bruising. Tendonitis, Bursitis.
Meds: Zoloft 150mg. Xanax 4mg. Celebrex. Mobic. Panadeine Forte. Digesic. Nexium. Phenergan.
Multiple surgeries- I bear the scars of my poor physical health.
Age:28. AP first DX @ 10. Fibro etc DX @14. Proud Aussie.
 
 


Green Grove
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 2424
   Posted 2/13/2009 4:40 PM (GMT -7)   
Ben, Kitt, Nanners, Megan, Nikki, Garen, Melodee, Celey, Diane and Maz :)
 
I am a very lucky man indeed to have such wonderful support from all of you!  I love you all and thank you from the bottom of my heart for the time you have spent reading my post and replying with such excellent advice and concern.  I'm actually overwhelmed. . . I started crying before while reading this, hence the short post, and I'm so relieved to know that it is not me. . . that I AM doing the right thing.  It is something I knew deep down anyway, but coming from my family here, with all of the respect I have for each of you, it means so much more. . . I don't have to feel alone and lost anymore and that has been hard for me to grasp since finding my new friends/family :)
 
I won't go into each of your posts, but I carry away a lot of wisdom and hope now from all :)  Thank you all so much for everything and much blessings!
 
I am so grateful. . . blush
 
Your Bro Sam :)

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 2/13/2009 5:09 PM (GMT -7)   

Hey Bro Sam,

I am glad you found comfort in our words, together we can move mountains.

Tomorrow we chat. turn

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


Celey
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 1284
   Posted 2/13/2009 5:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Glad to hear that you're feeling hopeful, Sam... Stay strong, and try to keep those spirits up... :)

Oh... And Stkitt....

We can move mountains? Seriously? Man! I don't know my own strength! I gotta go test that out! WEEEEEEEEE!
I think I am being picked on by life, sometimes. But's that okay. Life and I are good buddies... I know life doesn't mean no harm. It just is the way it is. I can accept that.

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Monday, December 05, 2016 7:36 AM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,732,930 posts in 301,069 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151224 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, alexben667.
298 Guest(s), 17 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
scifigal2k, Tagier, 81GyGuy, Rikky1, tickbite666, Serenity Now, sararaewald, ntzguy, Huddie, pmm73, GingerGirl, blksteeda, fibrocushie, Traveler, Nosila, racquetball74, LanieG


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer