Hey guys, I feel so good to have you guys or at least some people who remotely understand what I go through!
Sometimes I can't believe I let myself get where I am now. Just 2 weeks ago I was posting about being anxious about a break-up with a boyfriend, and now here I am, posting about how I feel like I've gone crazy and like nothing in my life matters since something horrible will happen to me anyways.
I started taking my meds 3 days ago, and I've been feeling worse. I'm SO scared that this disconnected feeling due to anxiety, feeling unreal and depression will never leave me and that I will be stuck in this nightmare forever. I feel like I will slowly forget everyone and all my memories and that I will just die or end up insane (although I already feel like I am insane).
I have an amazing life, with some traumas, of course, but I basically LOVE, LOVE my life and have SO many hopes for my future! I just feel like I'm about to lose everything, my job, my friends, my family, my ex boyfriend will realize how weak I am and how I became this "crazy" person.
Sometimes I feel a little hope, but most of the times I'm like, why does it matter if I'm crazy and will soon lose touch with reality anyways? Also, my therapist said that this time, my anxiety came when I was already depressed because of my break-up and that's why it's been tougher. I guess the feeling that "nothing matter" + the derealization from the anxiety/panic is making it feel like I am REALLY losing or have lost my mind.
Since I was 16 and FIRST experienced panic attacks this have been my biggest fear, and no matter how rational I can be, like, nobody develops schizophrenia on a course of 6 years or no crazy people obssess about being crazy but when things seem so lifeless and the feeling of dp/dr kicks in, it's hard to be rational.
I have a date today, with a very nice guy, and I haven't met a guy this nice in SO long and I'm so sad that I'm going to have to sit there feeling unreal and scared. However, I also know that I have to keep going, to keep battling this, because if I do get better, and if I'm actually NOT crazy (haha), I can't lose my opportunities.
I would like you guys to pray for me because I'm SO young, SO full of life, I'm beautiful and am actually going through the toughest days of my life. I hate worrying my family but most of all, I hate feeling like "it doesn't matter anyways, I'm going to lose touch and I won't ever care about them soon". I'm scared of sleeping and becoming more disconnected and depressed each day.
I know I have to be patient and let the meds kick in, but what is my biggest personal trait?? I'm SO anxious and HATE waiting!! I want this feeling to go away NOW!!!!! I want to be able to do my job, finish university, apply to harvard business school (my dream), be able to have another boyfriend, experience love again, marry, have kids... and these days it feels like my life is already over and that I'm insane and will never be able to be normal again. I feel SO strange and like nothing matters. I know it will get worse during dinner with the boy, but I'm going to be brave and go!!!
Worse comes to the worse, if I am really crazy and if this is all just a hallucination or a dream, I might as well enjoy dinner with a hot guy!
BrazilGirl (trying to see the light and humor during these dark days!)