Having a rough time

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dixibella
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 161
   Posted 3/11/2009 5:13 PM (GMT -7)   
So I'm having a really hard time with my anxiety over the last 24hrs or so. I was barely hanging in before everything but now I'm just feeling like I'm losing it. last night my husband left to go visit his mother who has been sick, his brother called shortly after he left to say she had passed away, I called him but he had already arrived and found out. I felt so terrible that I hadn't gone with him and that he was just there by himself. So I held it together for him last night but it just brought the whole death and fear thing to the forefront. Today we had to go make the arrangements at the funeral home, I knew it would be hard so I tried to remind myself to be strong for my husband and be supportive, I made it to the part where we had to pick out the casket... seriously it is such an awful process. I nearly lost it, I had to excuse myself and go take some of my muscle relaxers in the bathroom because it felt like every single muscle in my body was quivering and I just thought i was going to pass out. Now we're home and I'm trying to figure out whether to go to work tomorrow or not because I know they are short handed and I'm needed but my husband needs to go to his mothers house in the morning and although he's holding together Ok I don't think its really hit him or not. So I'm torn about what to do. My head is spinning and I'm having chest pains and my left arm keeps going numb smhair confused I don't know what to do and my body is not cooperating at making this any easier. shakehead Sorry I just need to get this off my chest.

percycat
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Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 1952
   Posted 3/11/2009 5:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi, dixibella.

You sure are dealing with a struggle, not just your own, but concern for your husband. It sounds like you did really well to me last night - doing what you needed to do to take care of yourself when it was needed.

It sounds like you are very worried for your husband, and I'd be the same. Why don't you ask him whether he'd like you to be with him tomorrow? Maybe he would feel supported and safe to feel his grief with you there, or maybe he would prefer to be alone in her house in order to not have to hold himself together for you and others. He may be feeling like he can't fall apart either, because he needs to be strong for the rest of the family. Anyhow, ask him.

I hope you can find a little relief in what will likely be a very hard next few days. If you need to step out for a bit, to get some air, take meds, or just escape, that might help, so please try not to beat yourself up for it.

Sending positive thoughts to you and your hubby and whole family,
percycat

Percy/Percycat

Co-Moderator, Anxiety and Panic Forum


Junebug05
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 717
   Posted 3/11/2009 8:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Dixibella,
 
I'm very sorry to hear about your mother-in-law.  Losing someone and having to handle all the arrangements surrounding that is a very stressful and upsetting time, so I think your reaction is pretty normal.  I agree with Percy about asking your husband what he would like you to do tomorrow.  Let him take the lead in the next few days and just try to be there to support him as best you can.  Don't forget to take care of yourself though, take some time for you when you can get it and do what you need to for yourself!  Thoughts and prayers to you and your family!

babblin5
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 70
   Posted 3/11/2009 10:06 PM (GMT -7)   
My heart goes out to you! Do what you can handle, and whatever that may be, let your husband know that you love him and care for him. Feel what you need to feel. There is no right or wrong feelings. It sounds like you are doing as well as anyone can expect, and you certainly don't need to be perfect. Just be you and all will be fine.
___________________________________________________________________________

"Come to the edge," he said.
"We're afraid!" they replied.
"Come to the edge," he said.

He pushed them, and they flew...


Hara
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 900
   Posted 3/11/2009 11:48 PM (GMT -7)   

Our own mortality comes to the for-front when someone close to us dies. You sound like you held up pretty well. I don't think I could have done much better. As for work you have to make your own choice on that one. But they might understand if you tell them you had a death in the family.

My condolances go out to you and your hubby.

Hara - Fibromyalgia, MD, Diabetis, Anxiety disorder, Sleep Apnea

Hibee
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 6499
   Posted 3/12/2009 1:36 AM (GMT -7)   
Sorry to hear about your mother in law my deepest condolances to you and your family we are here to support you.

Take care

Ben

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 3/12/2009 8:14 AM (GMT -7)   

Dixi,

I am so sorry to hear of the death of your Mother-in-law.  I would give yourself some slack and deal with your loss, take the time off work.  You have suffered a loss of a loved one and you are supporting your husband so take care of the two of you right now.

Life brings tears,
smiles and memories.
The tears dry,
the smile fades,
but the memories
live on forever.

My deepest sympathy to you and your husband.

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


Nanners
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 14995
   Posted 3/12/2009 8:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Dixi,

Not sure what your company benefits are, but where I work we have bereavement pay for 5 days. That is for the loss of your immediate family members or your spouses. I think for me, I would stay with my husband. There are so many things to do and it can get very overwhelming.

I am so sorry for your loss, and I will definetly keep you and your family in my prayers. I know how you are feeling, I lost my Mom only 7 weeks ago and I am still dealing with alot of grief.

God Bless,
Gail *Nanners*
Gail*Nanners* Co-Moderator for Anxiety/Panic Forum
Been living with Crohn's Disease for 33 years. Currently on Asacol, Prilosec, Estrace, Prinivil, Diltiazem, Percoset prn for pain, Zofran, Phenergan, Probiotics, and Calcium and Xanax as needed. Resections in 2002 and 2005. Also diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and Osteoarthritis and Anxiety. Currently my Crohns is in remission.
*Every tomorrow has two handles.  We can take hold of it by the handle of anxiety, or by the handle of faith"*

paniccu
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1009
   Posted 3/12/2009 9:16 AM (GMT -7)   
I am so sorry about your dh's mom. Take the day off. Work will still be there and I'm sure your dh needs your support right now. You will not be able to concentrate at work anyways. When my mom died my dh got 3 days off for bereavement. If you don't know what company policy is I would call and tell them the situation and find out. You definitely want to set aside a day for the wake and one for the funeral. Your families are in my prayers. Don't feel bad about not being with your husband when he found out about his mother. He had his brother with him. I have lost both my parents and my dh wasn't with me for my dad's passing, but I had my sister and brother with me for support. I was thankful to have him help me after my parents passed. When they were sick and in the hospital I wanted it to just be about them and me and I honestly didn't want to have to have any responsibilbities to someone else. Does that make sense? Hang in there. One thing that my husband did that really helped me was calling my friends and some of my parents friends to let them know what happened. The last thing I wanted to do was get on the phone and go through the whole story over and over, but I was so glad to have support from my friends.

dixibella
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 161
   Posted 3/12/2009 6:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks everyone for all the support. Today was a better day anxiety-wise so that was helpful. We had a pretty low key day up until 5 when we got home from running errands. I had gone out to the barn to see my horse and my BIL's horse has been stuck in the barn on stall rest with an injury so I called to him and he's is ALWAYS at his door looking for some attention and I called and called and he didn't come. So I went to check out the situation and he was barely able to stand, he's reinjured his hip and the minute he came to his door he started to shake and sweat all over with pain. I called my husband who called his brother that the vet needed to come. So on top of dealing with funeral arrangements we had to take care of a sick horse. The vet did some checks on him and gave him some pain medication but its not looking good at all. She is pretty sure that there is nothing they can do for this type of injury. :( He hasn't had the horse long but its a horrible thing to have happen, without all the extra crap. So I was doing pretty well till now I've started to let it hit me. Plus my husband has had a ton of calls and wasn't sure if his son was going to be able to fly in for the service this weekend and he was going back and forth...and meanwhile I am holding my tongue trying not to get mad but its his grandmother, I'm sorry if its inconvenient but its family and you just need to be there whether your wife is having a tantrum about it or not! But kept it to myself until my husband brought it up... I mean grow up! Its a funeral not a keg party its not like anyone is excited for it but its those times when you need your family the most! He did call later on to say he was coming but you can just see the strain it put on my husband and he just doesn't need that. Argh. But he's had a bunch of calls today and a friend stopped by to offer condolences so I think that made him feel a bit better. He's just not quite let it hit him yet. We're home tomorrow too so that will be good. Hopefully there will be no more drama but I know he's dreading that his ex might show up at the funeral so we're both stressing about that as well. I just wish there was more I could do.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 3/13/2009 5:23 AM (GMT -7)   

dixibella

I am so sorry about your wonderful horse.  It is so hard when one thing happens right on top of another.  I will hope for the best for your sweet animal.

As for funerals, remember they are for the living, and  it is not always worth it to get into conflict over who will make the sacrifice to come and who will not.  I went through this when my Father died.  My son's wife pitched a fit as we only had enough money to buy a round trip ticket to bring my son home for his Grandfather's funeral and his wife would not let him..............however he had a mind of his own.  He was also in the service and  Grandfather's did not count as next of kin unless they raised you in place of your parents. Therefore he could not get funeral leave anyhow.

I received a very nasty letter from my daughter-in-law accusing me of trying to push her out etc.  I cried over it but then I just moved on as  there was nothing I could do.

Please try to stay in the moment and kick that anxiety to the curb...........now is the time for comforting your husband and  letting go of any anger you are feeling.

Bless you and keep posting, just venting here is one way to get out your  anger  and frustration and we are always here to listen.

Hugs
Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


dixibella
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 161
   Posted 3/18/2009 7:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Kitt, its an awful enough thing to deal with death without people getting in a funk about how things are handled. I unfortunately have seen way too much of that with families splitting up as a result of messy division of property etc, and I don't think we're out of the woods yet on that account.
The funeral is now behind us, we have to wait for the graveside service but it was a beautiful memorial and many people from work came to support my husband, he was so reassured by the support I was so glad they could be there for him. Neither of us were glad that his ex did show up, she is a terribly unpleasant person and has drug addiction issues as well as a tendency to make a scene! She didn't do anything too terrible besides corner my husband to offer her condolences (flowers would have been better since he made it clear he doesn't want her around at all) but her son did warn me that she likes to throw and elbow and to watch my back. I appreciated the sentiment but it pretty much put me over the edge, I was shaking from head to toe and managed to pull myself together for a while but pretty much fell apart afterwards. We've been fighting, I know I shouldn't be insecure about it but I am having a much harder time being the 2nd Mrs than I thought I would. I told him about it before we got married and I thought just that reassurance from him would help it ease up but the rare times we have to be around her I turn into this angry hateful shrew and I really get disgusted that I feel so angry that she even exists. None of my friends are 2nd wives so they don't really have any advice and I am sort of lost. I think that baggage has been weighing on me as well as some other things. I can't really figure out why it bugs me so much but paired with all the stress of last week with the funeral, the horse, waiting for test results to come back, all the symptoms and getting no sleep I really came undone. I'm feeling better now but I'm so tired its hard to dredge up all those feelings and deal with them now that I get a chance to breathe again.
I did hear back from my doctor, besides one test that came back a tiny bit low everything was "normal" so I cancelled my appt tomorrow. I have no idea what the heck is going on but I start my 3 consecutive weeks of OMT next week so I am hoping maybe that will help ease my symptoms. I'm glad that I don't have hemachromatosis because some of that just scared the heck out of me but I am frustrated to still have no answers. The palps are still there, the Toprol has slowed them down but they are still bothersome and I've been avoiding taking the muscle relaxer but I should just take one and see if it helps. Its good that we don't hvae a ton of plans coming up and I can get some relaxation time in, hopefully settle myself from all the emotional turmoil.

Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 3/18/2009 7:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Dixibella,

I can't think of how I could possibly supplement the great advice you've already received, but I want you to know how sorry I am for what you are going through. It's very difficult when things come in layers like this, and I hope you will take care of yourself as much as you possibly can.

Raniah

AuroraRavencrow
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 119
   Posted 3/18/2009 9:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Well, I can't say too much that everyone else had already said. My condolences on the passing of your mother-in-law. It's a shame that things need to happen like this but it sounds like you are holding together just fine. Just try to stay in the moment and just be there for your husband as he needs you now. Remember to take care of yourself.
AuroraRavencrow
 
Dx:  Anxiety/Panic Disorder, Depression, Bi-Polar Disorder, PTSD


shedontwearsocks
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 60
   Posted 3/19/2009 11:49 AM (GMT -7)   
Dixibella,

My heart goes out to your and your husband. The death of a family member certainly is a very painful and stressful time, especially after the funeral is over and the family is left to sort through the estate and all the paperwork. I am so proud of you for being so supportive of your husband despite your anxious feelings, and just remember if you need any support or just want to talk, we are here for you

megan

dixibella
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 161
   Posted 3/22/2009 6:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Sorry to drag this up again but I'm having a rough night, my anxiety is dragging me down today and I am just so tired. My chest hurts so much and I feel tense, I have a headache and I'm on the verge of going to the emergency room. I'm trying to console myself that I have an OMT appt tomorrow so maybe he can help with some of my pain but I'm just so tired of hurting all the time.
Today was a really bad day so I do know that my anxiety is amplified by everything that's happened. My BIL had to put down his horse, he's in our back yard and unfortunately the roads are posted so they h ave to wait till tomorrow before they can bury him. I am glad he's not suffering anymore but it is so hard to even process. I'm emotionally shut down and its starting to rear its ugly head in the form of PAs. Then tonight while we were eating dinner my mom called to say my gram had a stroke today. She is in the hospital and its too early to tell whats going to happen next. I'm so emotionally drained I can't even respond to it. I still haven't processed the funeral last weekend and now all this. I just feel completely sapped. Sorry to whine on but I just need to get it out. I can't even begin to process any of this emotional crap. And that is what it is... crap! Enough already!!!

Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 3/22/2009 7:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh my goodness! I am SO SORRY! How awful for you. :-(

You have every right to 'whine' as you put it, Dixi......anyone would feel enormous grief and stress under those circumstances. I truly hope you can find a way to get some rest....somehow....tonight. I wish I knew what to say to help. I hope so much that your appt tomorrow will provide you with a better solution for the pain you are experiencing. Please accept my heartfelt prayers and wishes for you. (((hugs)))
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