What is this, and why am I feeling it again

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scotsgal
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 140
   Posted 3/15/2009 1:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi all, a couple of years ago I suffered a serious bout of depression which was caused by anxiety.

In my case I suffered anxiety through my relationship. In the matter of a day, all I can say is i 'snapped'. One day I was happy, loving, and enjoying my relationship.We'd been together 3 years. Next I felt empty, sad, and whenever I though about my then bf I would get all tight chested, hard to breathe, upset, teary and couldn't focus on my life. All other aspects of my life I never felt that way towards, just my relationship.

It lasted like that for a while, I wanted the relationship, I wanted to be with my now ex bf, I wanted to feel and be happy, but it was like something was holding me back from doing it. I felt sick and couldn't breathe when I thought of him, is this a panic attack?

Anyway it got a bit better but we split up due to him cheating on me, looking back that relationship should have ended long before it did. He was controlling, abusive, and it was long dead. At the time I refused to let go of it, refused to admit it wasn't healthy. After the split I felt fine for a while. I still have seriously down spells where I could curl up and die, cry etc but never the anxious feeling

That was a year ago, and in the last couple of months, I had been getting close to a friend whom I previously was at college with.

We met up and I had a great time, laughed, got on great, felt comfortable with each others company, and I liked him.

Over the two months I have seen him a good few times, I smile every time I'm with him, he texts, or I am on the phone to him. We spoke all the time everyday and it was great. Nothing like my previous relationship. We have respect for each other, allow each other freedom, and all I can say is it was going great. I felt happy as larry about the way things were going.

Only problem was my jealousy, I got jealous of him being with his friends, going out etc. Thats how we were with each other in my last relationship, so I really don't know any other way to be. I also never feel good enough for him, and am always asking if I am. I also always worry about it failing and this puts me into bad moods where I get teary and upset. It's like I have to find a way to be sad and angry where I don't need to be. I can't just be 'happy'.

Then two days ago the 'snapping' thing happened. My strong, happy, smiley thoughts and memories have been replaced with that tight, not being able to breathe feeling and numb thoughts. Before when I used to think of him I smiled and felt great. Now I just feel a dull feeling of emptiness. I feel sick, teary and down whenever I think of him and us. I DON'T want to feel like this. I don't understand how two days ago everything was perfect and now I feel this way. I am questioning my every thought, feeling and movement. But I don't know which ones are real or fake.

All day yesterday I felt like this towards him, but yet I still talked about him to all my friends, text him off my own back and even was with him at night, and I was fine when with him. I don't get it.


I am absolutely gutted that this has happened again. There is no reason for it. He hasn't done anything except be great. He tells me how much he likes me etc everyday, and up until two days ago I felt and did the same. Now when I even think of telling him how I feel I feel sick. This has came out of nowhere again.

I don't want to hurt him, nor lose him. If I finish it just to stop feeling this way he's gonna think I'm crazy. In two days I've totally changed. And I don't know why, or want to feel like this. Whats happened to me? Please help cos I am finding it hard to function.
** Don't Compare Your Insides With Everyone Elses Outsides **


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 3/15/2009 2:33 PM (GMT -7)   
scotsgal
 
Hello there, this is Kitt and I am so sorry this is happening again.  What I am wondering if there is something you are leaving out of your post on purpose?  With your last bf you said everything was fine as you overlooked the abuse and what was really going on that would cause you to feel anxious and depressed in the relationship?  He was cheating on you.
 
Is there something your not facing about this new relationship?
 
Why do your feel jealous about him, what triggers the anger or feelings of anxiety?  Take a deep look at the relationship and see if there is a reason for your feelings and if not then I would really like you to see if you could make an appointment with a therapist to help you sort through your feelings.
 
You may be still carrrying baggage from your old relationship that is causing your behavior. 
 
Please remember you are a wonderful person and your just going through a tough time.  Once you have been tromped on by someone you loved it is hard to just trust blindly.
 
We are here for you sweetie so do not beat yourself up but accept that you need some help and know we are here to support you.
 
Gentle Hugs to you,
Kitt
 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


scotsgal
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 140
   Posted 3/15/2009 3:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Sorry I have worded the post wrong. With regards to my ex, at the time I felt it was all ok, my councilor questioned constantly was it my bf causing how I felt, was there anything he did that made me feel anxious, and at the time I siad no and refused to admit it as I wanted to be with him and it to work so badly. But looking back now it was his controlling behavior etc.

Up until two days ago I was over he moon about this relationship I am in now, there's respect, commitment, I am happy, there is honestly nothing bad I can say about it. I must give him the best word out of my mouth as he couldn't be better. But all of a sudden every good feeling I had has disappeared and been replaced with one anxious feeling in my chest. I feel sick as to speaking/being with him now as I feel like a fraud cos the warm happy feeling I used to feel towards him has been replaced with what I can only describe as the symptoms of a panic attack.

In my last relationship, I wasn't really allowed out, friends, male friends etc. So when my ex did it to me, I did it back to an extent. So now when my new bf is out and I'm not etc I feel jealous. I don't want to but I do. I also always am dead cert that the relationship is going to fail, and this makes me feel sad too.

Nothing triggers the anxiety, it's just there everytime I think about us :(
** Don't Compare Your Insides With Everyone Elses Outsides **


Nanners
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 14995
   Posted 3/16/2009 6:39 AM (GMT -7)   
I think as Stkitt said you are still carrying baggage from your old relationship into this new one. You are worrying that the same thing is going to happen again. But you can't move forward if you are always looking in the rearview mirror. In other words, you can't move forward if you are comparing everyone else to your ex bf. I would suggest talking to a therapist about this, maybe they can help you let go of the past, so you can enjoy your future.

Hugs
Gail *Nanners*
Gail*Nanners* Co-Moderator for Anxiety/Panic Forum
Been living with Crohn's Disease for 33 years. Currently on Asacol, Prilosec, Estrace, Prinivil, Diltiazem, Percoset prn for pain, Zofran, Phenergan, Probiotics, and Calcium and Xanax as needed. Resections in 2002 and 2005. Also diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and Osteoarthritis and Anxiety. Currently my Crohns is in remission.
*Every tomorrow has two handles.  We can take hold of it by the handle of anxiety, or by the handle of faith"*

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 3/17/2009 12:20 PM (GMT -7)   

Wondering how you are doing and hoping you have found a counselor to talk to.  Your trigger sounds like it may be in a committment ................as you said you have been getting on well and becoming closer.

Everytime you think about "him" you start to feel anxious.  I would look at how you feel about staying in a relationship.  Does it scare you?

Take care and talk to us as we do care.

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 3/17/2009 1:46 PM (GMT -7)   
I believe Lil sis is spot on as is Naners
Committment is no doubt the problem here
You have finally found the one and you are afraid ...........

face your fears hun and I sure hope you dont let this one go for sure he sounds
like he is so good for you
LYN
 DX: Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety/Panic,
Fibro & Other DD

Donate at  www.healingwell.com
 
                               Moderator@Alzheimer's..
              CO Moderator @ Anxiety and Panic........Co Moderator   @ Crohns                    
                            Keep The Fight Going..Or YOu Will Lose
               Look For The GOOD, Even At Your Lowest
  We Have Anxiety and Panic...................Anxiety and Panic DO NOT Have us         
   
                                     LYN

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