I am so sorry my friend as I know what you are going through. I am stuck at 20 mg of Cymbalata. When I try to go lower I kick right into anxiety and wake up full of anxiety. I want the old me back, the one that could laugh and was not afraid. The one that did not doubt herself over silly things.
Sometimes I feel like my life is just passing me by and the struggle is so hard.
I do not know what the answer is but I do know what your feeling right now. Please know I care.
All I can say is that I totally know what you are going through. I have been trying to get off Lexapro for three months because it is so mind numbing. I am a writer and have not been able to write a sentence since on this drug. The minute I cut back...head zaps, anxiety attacks and headaches and I end up upping the dose to get rid of the shocks that tear through me....along with the exaggerated startle sensations. I try to get through the anxiety with valium but it hasn't worked either. I wish I had an answer. I understand all SSRI's are hell to get off of and the alternative is taking them and not caring about anything.
I hear ya, and hope things get better for you.