It's been a while since I've posted and I guess I'm here to update on my progress.
I'm feeling much better than I was 1 month ago. I can enjoy food again without feeling nauseous, and I feel like I'm slowly starting to enjoy the small things in my life again. I caught up with my favorite tv shows, I cleaned my whole house/closet on saturday, I went out clubbing with friends and was a little less scared... Being at work hasn't been such a struggle. I've been managing my workload with my last quarter of uni AND studying for the GMAT. I'm still casually dating a guy I met last month...
So I guess, my anxiety hasn't really debilated me. I'm still sane, I still have my friends and family, I still have my job, and I'm still graduating from university. People don't think I'm crazy, my friends don't think I'm depressed, my family feels that I'm better and aren't that worried about me. Therefore, my worst case scenario that my life would be destroyed, I would go crazy, lose my job, people would realize I have deep psychological problems, my ex boyfriend would think I lost it because of him, I'd fail university... NONE of that happened! I'm still in one piece and I'm still walking forward.
However, it hasn't been an easy journey. It's an internal journey. It's a slow journey. It's a scary journey. And ultimately, it's a very lonely journey. I'm sure we have support from family, loved ones, therapists, meds... but it's only us that can really help ourselves. Only I know what I go through, only I know exactly what my fears are and the pain I feel. And I'm sure it's the same with each one of you.
I'm still having trouble with the what if's and the future, making long-term plans, changing my routine. I'm still nowhere near who I was just last year. I still feel despersonalized/unreal at times. I still wonder about life, existence, and get a sense of impending doom when thinking about the future. I still feel a little numb when it comes to my feelings for the guy I'm seeing, or any new guy for that matter. I still really miss my ex boyfriend, and wonder if I will ever be able to find love and connect to somebody else again.
However, everyday I wake up and I fight. Everyday I wake up and do everything I'm supposed to do to achieve my future goals. Everyday I wake up and I don't give up. It's not easy. Sometimes I feel like I'm on "auto-pilot" and just getting by... Then slowly, I start feeling happier, less scared, and at times I even find myself excited about the future. Excited about what the future will bring to me.
The point of this long message is that overcoming anxiety, panic and the depression that comes along with it is NOT easy. It's FAR from easy. It's defintly the hardest thing I've dealt with in my whole life. It also requires a lot of patience. It takes months, and sometimes years to feel confident again after a strong anxiety cycle hits us. And for all we know, we can get better for a few months/years and suddenly it can hit us again. Unnoticed. When we thought we were cured.
All we can do? Fight. Always. With all the strenght we have. Because as much as it doesn't seem like it a lot of times, there's ALWAYS, always a light in the end of the tunnel...