Just looking for emotional support regarding contacting a possible relative.

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paniccu
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Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1009
   Posted 4/8/2009 9:44 AM (GMT -7)   
I haven't told a lot of friends. My sister, husband and a couple girlfriends know that my mom told me my real dad was someone I didn't know. She told me a few years before she died and she was in the beginning stages of alzheimers. I had mixed feelings about it and I only half believed it because it was so long ago and my mom was starting to lose her memory (not her long term memory though, I'm quite certain this is true, but have no proof) I chose not to try to contact the person or their family at the time. I didn't want to disrupt their family or hurt, my then still living "dad" who my mom had the affair on. Long story short, it's suddenly come to the forfront of my mind again and I've been obsessing about it and feeling very emotional about it. Through internet searches I found out my biological dad died 5 years ago. I couldn't find info for his remaining son, but I did find a facebook page for his grandchild. I just sent her a message asking if there's any way I could be put in touch with his sons. I didn't spill the beans, just gave her my moms name and said they used to be close friends. I know she might not even write me back since she doesn't know me and I'm not expecting a relationship, but I would like to know something about this man (my mom told me some things, but I have no pics and not much info). Anyways, my mom had told me that they had an affair for almost 20 years, that his sons knew about me and wanted me in the family. She told me he stayed out of my life at her request. I guess I'll find out. I am having trouble focusing on other things. Anyone else have similiar stories?

Raniah
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Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 4/8/2009 10:08 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Paniccu,

I can understand why this would bring up so many emotions for you. I'm sorry to know that you lost your mom, and that she suffered from Alzheimer's. That's such a difficult disease to cope with, and, as someone who's been there with loved ones, I know there is a lot of sadness watching someone you care about go through that. I'm also sorry to know that your bio dad has passed away. I hope, very much, that your bio dad's granddaughter will respond to your request. Since her father (your bio dad's son, if I have this straight) knew about the situation with your mom, and apparently had a connection to her, it would be wonderful if you could connect with him and talk about this. I don't have personal experience with this particular part of your situation, but there is a story in the Depression forum on a thread called, "A secret for 38 years kept" that you might want to read, if you have not already. I am sending you my very best wishes for your situation. Please keep the faith, Paniccu.

paniccu
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1009
   Posted 4/8/2009 10:37 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you Raniah. I appreciate it. I will read that story on the depression forum. I should have stated too that my mom died 10 years ago, but at the time I thought that I was ok with not contacting anyone. I've been reading one of her journals the last few days and it's making me really miss her all over again. I am seeing things in a different light because I am now just a little younger than when she wrote the journal.

Raniah
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Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 4/8/2009 10:46 AM (GMT -7)   
I really miss my mom, too. I think it's wonderful that you have her journals (and I hope you don't mind me saying so, because I know it makes you sad, too). Do you have any siblings (ones you grew up with) other than your sister? I know you said that your sister knows about the situation, and I hope you have been able to confide in her about your feelings.

paniccu
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1009
   Posted 4/8/2009 11:21 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks. I've been able to talk to my sister about it a lot. I read her what I wrote before I sent the message to the grandaughter. I also have a brother, but he died last year. I told both of them about what my mom said back in 1996. My sister encouraged me to try to make contact at that time, but I was in a different place then and I wasn't ready. This is my last chance. I know one of my half brothers died prior to 2004, because he's mentioned in the father's death notice. I'm hoping that the remaining son will make contact with me. It seems like a long shot though. I guess at least I'll know I did everything I could and I'll be able to move on. I'm kind of kicking myself for not trying to contact him before he died, but I honestly didn't know if he was alive or not back then or what his situation is. I know I have to let that go too.
 
I'm sorry that you lost your mom too. It really sucks, doesn't it? I am very thankful that my mom kept journals, though there's a lot of negative things in there that upsets me when I read it. It's interesting to see that she had as much or more anxiety than me. She hid it well when I was young. I feel bad that she was always blaming herself for feelings of anxiety and trying to pinpoint cerain events in her childhood that made her that way.  I think in the 70's therapy was more focused on "tell me about your childhood" and didn't really acknowlege the fact that anxiety is also hereditary and that you are not a failure because you suffer from it. 

Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 4/8/2009 1:21 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm really glad your sister has given you encouragement. That's wonderful. :-)

I hope so much that this works out for you, Paniccu. My heart really goes out to you, and I will keep you in my prayers.

My mom died a little over ten years ago. She had a brain tumor, which came on quite suddenly and grew rapidly. I was so fortunate to be able to take a leave of absence from work and care for her at home during her brief but fast-paced illness. She had anxiety, too....and took meds for it for as long as I can remember. So, I guess it's hereditary for me, too, as well as due to external circumstances. Yes, things have really changed since the 70s (thank goodness), and now we have so much more information available to us. Thank goodness for the internet, too, so we can come here and share our experiences.

paniccu
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1009
   Posted 4/8/2009 2:43 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks again, I appreciate it :-).

percycat
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 1952
   Posted 4/8/2009 3:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi, paniccu.

I hope you can find peace about this fact from your past, either through contact with your half-brother, or accepting the disappointment if he chooses not to. As you said, you've done what you can for now. Try not to regret that you didn't try contact earlier. You were not in the right position, and I'm sure your feelings about what was best at the time were accurate. It's sad, but also wise, and I think that's one of the things that makes us all stronger in facing our anxiety: being able to own our choices and know that we really did do the best we could.

Please keep us posted, and I'm sorry that you're missing your mom so much right now (and you too Raniah).

Hugs,
percycat

Percy/Percycat

Co-Moderator, Anxiety and Panic Forum

 

DX: Anxiety, Depression, LPR (acid reflux)

Meds: Paxil, Nexium, Zantac

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