Needing some advice...please!

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Junebug05
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 717
   Posted 5/8/2009 8:17 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm in the middle of a bad situation, and I know that if I don't do something about it or remove myself from the situation, it will lead down the road to major panic again.  My husband quit smoking about a month ago, which in itself is great.  The problem is that when he isn't smoking he is impossible to deal with, he's extremely short tempered, crabby and either is mean to me or ignores me.  A month ago, everything between us was wonderful, now it's a total mess.  I'm already starting to get more anxious when he's around, and I'm worried.
 
He quit once before, about 3 years ago, and didn't smoke for 9 months.  It was the worst nine months of my life!  I had hoped that in time it would get better, but it only got worse as time went by.  It got so bad that I ended up with constant panic attacks, was afraid to be alone, didn't leave the house...all the usual garbage that goes along with this disorder.  I ended up completely falling apart and it took years and alot of therapy to get back to being able to live again.  So, obviously I am terrified that all of this will happen again.  I just got my life back together, just finished school and am looking forward to taking the national exam to become of CCA.  I don't want to lose all that I've gained.
 
I smoke too, but have never tried to quit, so I don't know what he is going through or how to help him or what to suggest he do to help himself.  I was wondering if anyone else has either gone through this themselves, or has quit smoking and knows what he's going through and could offer some advice as to what I can do to help him...or to help myself to get through this without falling apart again.
 
Thanks

badfish
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 393
   Posted 5/8/2009 9:07 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey Junebug,

Ive tried to quit smoking twice in the last 6 monthsi kno how crabby I could be, I failed both times so ther not much advice i can give on giving up but i jut wanted to say remember its the nicotine cravings making him irratable not you.

I remember how awful i was tobe with when i was giving up and there where when i upset my GF jus i cud sneak a cigarette without her knowing. There where evens times when she jus had to have some space from me and my self-destructiveness but she was always made sure tht she was ther when i needed her the most.
To be honest the fact she put up with me whilst i was being a complete jerk to her only proved to me how much she cared and how lucky i was to have her. I thnk its safe to say tho she will never suggest i give up cigareetes again :P

I hope u and your husband get thru it and i wish u all the luck in the world.
 


Nanners
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 14995
   Posted 5/8/2009 9:38 AM (GMT -7)   
Junebug,

I quit smoking 9 1/2 years ago after smoking for over 29 years. The irritability is very normal and I think things will start quieting down soon. I took multi vitamins to help me. They did help me get over that bad period. I also allowed myself to have some kind of treat everyday.

Is he being abusive that is causing you to have so much anxiety. Have you tried talking to him about his behaviour. Maybe he doesn't realize he is being so grouchy. Hugs to you!!!

Gail *Nanners*
Gail*Nanners* Co-Moderator for Anxiety/Panic Forum
Been living with Crohn's Disease for 33 years. Currently on Asacol, Prilosec, Estrace, Prinivil, Diltiazem, Percoset prn for pain, Zofran, Phenergan, Probiotics, and Calcium and Xanax as needed. Resections in 2002 and 2005. Also diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and Osteoarthritis and Anxiety. Currently my Crohns is in remission.
*Every tomorrow has two handles.  We can take hold of it by the handle of anxiety, or by the handle of faith"*

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 5/8/2009 3:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Junebug,
 
My husband quit smoking once upon a time and it was hell around here. He actually had physical withdrawal sx and was put on Ativan for a week until his system adjusted.
 
He became very ugly and would not go anywhere as he could not smoke and smoking is his crutch.  I almost drove to town one day to buy him cigs.  Well he did hang in there for about 9 months but then restarted again.
 
He still smokes but never in the house or in the car.
 
If your hubby is being verbally abusive to you over the smoking then it is time to have a heart to heart as you cannot let his behavior continue and he should not take out his frustrations on you.
 
Try to be gentle but very assertive and let him know how you feel.  I know this is tough when you have anxiety as we shatter easily but you can do this.  Walking on eggshells not to stress him out is just not fair to you. 
 
Take care and keep on talking to us.
Gentle Hugs
Kitt
 

 


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator:
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Co-Moderator Depression
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percycat
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 1952
   Posted 5/8/2009 7:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Junebug,

Big hugs to you for facing the anxiety that's already cropped up, and the anticipation of worse to come. I don't have any advice about your hubby quitting, but I agree with the others that it's imprtant to let him know how he's treating you. Maybe it would help to create a haven for yourself - maybe a room in the house that he doesn't use, or a nice bench outside under a tree - someplace where you can go to be at peace when he's being his worst. Just a thought...

percycat

Percy/Percycat

Co-Moderator, Anxiety and Panic Forum

 

DX: Anxiety, Depression, LPR (acid reflux)

Meds: Paxil, Nexium, Zantac


Junebug05
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 717
   Posted 5/8/2009 7:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you all for your responses.  It truly does help to hear from others who have been through this.  I sat down with him and explained  how I felt and what I saw him going through.  He basically told me that he knew he was being a jerk, but didn't know what to do about it.  He was really defensive and tough to get through too, but I just calmly explained that this was the same pattern I had been through the last time he quit and that it tore me apart then and I wasn't going to let that happen again. 
 
I was upset and told him that I felt like I was losing my best friend, and he just shrugged.  It hurt so much I just walked away and cried.  He doesn't think going to the doctor will help and refuses to chew nicotine gum as he feels that now that he has the nicotine out of his system he doesn't want to go back to it.  He used to be a heavy drinker, alcoholic in my book, but he denies that.  He quit cold turkey, went to AA for about a year and then seemed fine.  I'm wondering if he used the cigarettes to deal with the not drinking and now that he doesn't have either he's dealing with both the drinking and smoking issues...I know nothing about this, but thought maybe someone here would understand what I'm saying.
 
Thanks again...I'll just keeping hanging in here.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 5/9/2009 5:49 AM (GMT -7)   

Awww Junebug,

I am sorry but I know exactly how you feel.  My hubby does much of the same kind of behavior.  He has Crohn's and I know he has anxiety but he will not admit it so I am always the one he takes out his vents on.

He is not good at sitting down and talking through things either as he just "doesn't want to talk about it"

He will say things and I easliy let his words hurt me so I have been really trying to just let it go and not start feeling like it is me he is angry at when I know he does love me.

I also try not to fire back at him out of  feeling hurt by his comments.  I cry easily when I am upset and he may make comments like "Now what?"   So I often just go off by myself and let out the tears and then give myself a talking to and keep on moving.

I know how hard this is to live with anxiety and I have the dang depression too................so please know you are not alone.

Gentle Hugs to you

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator:
Anxiety/Panic 
Co-Moderator Depression
  Forums
Moderator: GERD/Heartburn
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources

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