Dont know who I am with out anxiety and panic!

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Jennara
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 87
   Posted 5/15/2009 1:34 PM (GMT -7)   
I have been just sitting here at my computer for about an hour now, crying.  I went to my therapist's office earlier and just got home and sat here thinking until I started crying.
 
My therapist and I were talking about my (still pretty new) realationship with my boyfriend.  Well the problem so far in this relationship is that we always do whatever he wants all the time.  He makes it clear that he wants to do what he wants to do and thats all that seems to matter.  He says he wants me to be happy and just to let him know when I want to do something different.  Then I let him know and he makes it quite clear that he is miserable the whole time we are doing what I want.  Well he is gone tonight and most of the day tomorrow.  I'll eather see him tomorrow sometime or Sunday.  I plan to talk to him about all of this then.   He really acts sweet but hes selfish so far.  I cant totally blame him though because I have made it seem like its fine with me to do whatever he wants most of the time.  I avoid arguements... well," confronting him" , I should say.  I am so scared to be alone!  Also, I have fallen for him very much!  I love him very much!  I'm already so afraid to loose him!  So I keep my mouth shut too much.  I know this all has to change though!  I wont be happy just defined as his girlfriend.  I have to be me.  So a long talk is comming tomorrow or the next day.
 
I didnt post on here just to talk about my boyfriend.  The thing is, my therapist was telling me all this.  She told me, I have to go out and be an individual.  I have to pretty much, "find myself".  This involves just me.  Well the reason that I have been crying so much is because, I have had anxiety and panic disorders and health anxiety for soooo long that I have no idea who I am outside of that!
 
I get up in the morning and my mind goes to thoughts about anxiety.  "I hope I dont get too anxious today!"  Everything I do revolves around my anxiety!  If I go places or not.  How long I stay.  No matter where I'm at, my mind seems to race with all these thoughts!  I'm codependant on others.  Mainly my boyfriend.  Once I left home at 18, I never really got over the "shock" of the world because I had been so sheltered!  A huge part of me just wants to go and make my parents get back together (they split when I was 21), and set up my old room.  Then I want to crawl up in bed with my mom like I used to, and just lay there and talk and watch Mary Tyler Moore.  Thats the kinda thing we did when I was growing up.
 
I have been so anxious and developed health anxiety when I was 17.  It got its worst when I moved away from home!  I have been battling it ever since  (I'm sorry I cant spell very good!).  I dont know who I am outside of worry!  Outside of the constant state of "Am I going to be ok"?  Also, "Whats that? (refering to any unusual feeling I get).  I dont know what much I like to do.  I like some tv shows but its hard for me to concentrate on them.  I like funny movies but its the same story with that.  I dont get out much so I dont know what I'd like to do even if I wasnt anxious! 
 
All I know is I like being Jerrica's mom.  I like being with my boyfriend.  I dont know who I am outside of them and the anxiety!  I have no clue and it terrifies me!  I try to think of things I might would enjoy but everything I think of, I dont like.  I dont know if thats because I just dont really like anything, or if its because of the anxiety!I cant tell anymore!  I mean.....................
 
Who am I??
 
Am I alone in this feeling??
 
Thanks for reading! 
 
-Jen

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 5/15/2009 2:09 PM (GMT -7)   

Dear Jen,

First of all you are a person with anxiety and accepting that wil get you started down the road.  Most of us wear  many different hats and you will be looking at yours realizing you are the sum total of all those hats, in other words you are a good and kind person deserving of love. 

I am a nurse, a mother, a daughter, a spouse, a friend a sister, a student and a few other hats on any given day but most of all I am a human being who has anxiety and I can stand alone and take care of me but I also need friends and family to support me.

So don't over analyze on any given day but know that you deserve happiness and right now you are confused and unhappy. 

What Makes a Healthy Relationship?

Hopefully, you and your significant other are treating each other well. Not sure if that's the case? Take a step back from the dizzying sensation of being swept off your feet and think about whether your relationship has these seven qualities:

1. Mutual respect
2. Trust
3. Honesty
4. Support
5. Good Communication

6. Fairness/equality. You need to have give-and-take in your relationship, too. Do you take turns choosing which new movie to see? As a couple, do you hang out with your partner's friends as often as you hang out with yours? It's not like you have to keep a running count and make sure things are exactly even, of course. But you'll know if it isn't a pretty fair balance. Things get bad really fast when a relationship turns into a power struggle, with one person fighting to get his or her way all the time.

7. Separate identities. In a healthy relationship, everyone needs to make compromises. But that doesn't mean you should feel like you're losing out on being yourself. When you started going out, you both had your own lives (families, friends, interests, hobbies, etc.) and that shouldn't change. Neither of you should have to pretend to like something you don't, or give up seeing your friends, or drop out of activities you love. And you also should feel free to keep developing new talents or interests, making new friends, and moving forward.

I hope this helps you get started on your quest to finding out who you are.

Gentle Hugs to you,

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator:
Anxiety/Panic 
Co-Moderator Depression
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Aries8
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 1015
   Posted 5/15/2009 5:42 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello. You don't mention that I can see, if you take any medications. You and your therapist may want to discuss the possibility of needing something.

I can relate when you say your boyfriend only wants to do what he wants to. I have to drag my husband to wherever I want to go but 99% of the time I go alone with the kids. I don't try to drag him to awful places all the time. It's sometimes a movie I want to see with him. Or I want to go for a ride. Nothing big.

From my experience, take care of this problem and any others before marriage. People don't usually change and if this bothers you now, it will bother you even more 30 years from now. Your boyfriend may be the cause of a lot of your anxiety. You may love him but it may not be a good match.

I would write down the pros and cons of the relationship. If there are a lot of cons, it's time to move on. You were fine before you met him and you would survive if he should walk away. You're stronger than you think you are.
Generalized Anxiety Disorder
 
60 mg. Prozac, Ativan as needed.
 
"The part can never be well unless the whole is well." Plato

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