Wow, so much has happened to me in the last 48 hours! I met with my new therapist yesterday. I like her personality and she really listened to what I had to say. We are beginning CBT in a few weeks. I'm very excited about this.
We also discussed meds. She really thinks I need an a/d short-term to help me deal with the anxiety and if I can get that somewhat under control, that will help me progress with CBT. She prescribed Celexa. I am supposed to work up to 20mg a day within a couple of weeks. She also gave me a script for .5mg Klonopin wafers. I can take up to 2 at a time and they apparently are not supposed to knock me out as bad as Xanax or Valium would so I can pop them at work if I am having panic issues.
I still have my reservations and fears about taking an a/d again, but if she thinks it will help me, then it is probably for the best. All I know is that I cannot continue as I have been. I'm too emotionally exhausted and stressed out from constant worrying. Good thing, too, is that Celexa is an SSRI that she says has a very low chance of worsening my IBS symptoms and she says some of her IBS/anxiety/depression patients actually find it helps them. At this point, rather than debate the "what ifs" in my head, I have resolved just to take it and see how it goes. The worst that can happen is that it doesn't work for me and I stop taking it. It doesn't have the freaky withdrawal effects like Effexor, or so she told me. I am also comforted in knowing I don't have to take it long - she thinks approximately 6 mo to 9mos.
My brother's wedding is this afternoon which is of course stressful, but very exciting! It's a good stress. I can appreciate good stress :)
However, my boyfriend's mother got her test results back from her body scan yesterday. It seems so apropos that as I'm celebrating my brother's wedding, my boyfriend is learning that his mom is probably going to die..and soon. The body scan shows that she has cancer in her brain, lungs, liver and all over her pelvic region. She has advanced lung cancer, the doc thinks. She goes to see an oncologist on Tuesday to see what sort of treatment, if any, she needs.
My boyfriend is freaking out, as expected. He is insisting we drive to see his mom tomorrow for the night. She lives about 4 hours away. I feel awful for saying it but I really don't want to go. I have only met her one time and I guess I just feel weird about going to see her when she's all doped up on pain meds and feeling awful. I feel as if my bf and his dad and sister should just be there tomorrow to hang out with her and talk...probably cry and discuss the future. I feel like that's too intimate a setting for me to take part in. Does that make sense? I mean, if I knew her better and knew she felt comfortable having me see her like that and knew his family felt comfortable letting down their defenses and crying in front of me, I'd be okay with going.
But, my bf is insistent that I go. He wants his mom to know that he is okay, that he loves me, that he will be okay when she dies, etc. Honestly, I would rather stay put and spend time tomorrow with my parents and extended fam who are in town for the weekend for the wedding. I will definitely go if he needs me, but I just don't feel like it's the right thing to do.
What should I do? Thanks for reading all this...it feels good just to get it all out!!