I don't know really where to start. I've never been good at talking about my feelings because I'm always afraid of sounding stupid or just afraid that by talking about how I feel (especially to my family) that I'll just make everyone else around me miserable too. I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for a long time now and on top of that I have Fibromyalgia (chronic muscle pain and fatigue syndrome). I find myself sometimes just wanting to open up and let it all out and one of the few people, if not the only person, that I feel I could open up to is my husband but I don't want to make him feel bad because he can't make me feel better so I usually just try to keep everything bottled up inside. Most of the time this works but one of the problems I have with this is that the slightest thing sometimes will make me just start crying.
Just like yesterday, I was helping my husband mow his parents grass and I ran over a small stump and temporarily made the lawn mower stop working right. Well, with my mind the way it is, in my head, I just knew that I had destroyed the mower and it would cost tons to get it fixed so I started to cry a little and my husband noticed I was getting upset and told me that we needed to be "grown up" about it. I know he didn't mean it the way it sounded but it kind of bothered me and made me feel worse so once again I tried swallowing my feelings.
My husband ended up fixing it (it was just a small piece of the stump was wedging the blade and not letting it work). Well, his mom got a little mad that the lawn mower broke and once I started mowing my husband went inside and they ended up getting into a huge fight over the whole situation. Without going into too much of a detailed explanation of what exactly all happened I'll just say that after we left I couldn't help but to think that the whole thing was entirely my fault. My husband kept assuring me that it wasn't because his mom has mental "issues" as well and she sometime gets really angry over smaller things.
Anyway, I think that really affected me because I have been up all night thinking and worrying about it and that is on top of my everyday worries about our current situation (neither my husband and I are working right now, we have to rely on other people to get our basic necessities, and we neither one have health coverage which means I can't go to the doctor or really afford my medicine for all my ailments).
I think my lack of sleep has more than likely made my depression and anxiety worse and unfortunately in the past two days and nights I have probably gotten a total of three or four hours of sleep just hear and there. I've tried taking my muscle relaxers to try and help me sleep but I think my nerves are so bad that it doesn't really do anything. On top of all my emotional and mental problems, like I said before, I have Fibromyalgia and I don't have any pain medicine which means that I'm in pretty much constant, extreme pain every second of every day. I can't even really do anything that I need to do or even want to do. It's all I can do to get up in the morning to take care of my children. My husband does help out a lot but I think he gets really frustrated by the fact that I can't do hardly anything and sometimes I think that he doesn't really understand the pain that I'm in because he's never gone through it and even though it would help him understand I would not wish any of my diseases on my worst enemy.
Sometimes I get so frustrated and upset that I have so many medical and personal problems that I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up one day and not have my problems. Sometimes I wish I could just sleep all the time so I didn't have to deal with anything. I feel like because I try to please everyone else by keeping my feelings to myself that one day I'm just going to either explode or just completely shut down. Sometimes I try to think back before I had all these issues and remember what it felt like but I can't. I really have no clue what it feels like to not be in pain or to not feel like I'm getting ready to just cry and break down and the drop of a hat. Like I said before I don't have any medical coverage or money to get help. I just really don't know what to do. I'm sorry I've gone rambling on and on about everything but I guess I never talk about things so once I started typing I couldn't stop.
Honestly I was hoping that getting some of this off my chest would make me feel better but it hasn't yet. I'm just hoping that someone has had similar experiences or at least as some idea of what I'm going through. Anything that you all could share that might help relieve some of my tension and worries would be great. Thanks.
**I just added some paragraphs to make it easier to read:)*
Post Edited By Moderator (Nanners) : 5/30/2009 8:32:20 AM (GMT-6)