newbie--I need help

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smallbird
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 6/25/2009 4:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Okay, here's the scoop. I'm in a serious relationship with my boyfriend of 2 years, he treats me great. He is not the problem, I am. When he is not home, or is out with his friends, I go into panic mode. He is not the cheating kind, I am positive of that. But, my mind plays tricks on me. I start thinking of different scenarios of him meeting other girls, or flirting with other girls, and sometimes worse things. I end up getting angry at him for something that I know he isn't doing. I get extremely upset, and usually end up in tears. Most night I have dreams of these things happening, and then I get extremely paranoid. This is really becoming a problem, and I need to know how to stop this. Please help?

Allestaria
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 341
   Posted 6/25/2009 4:38 PM (GMT -7)   
Welcome Smallbird.


I see you have a small problem.

The only way to over come this is either self discipline, Therapy and or anti depression/anxiety meds.

Self discipline includes forcing your mind to focus on something else. It takes a ton of self control. You pretty much can not and will not let your mind think the way it wants to. Instead you focus on something else. Cleaning, movies, projects. Etc but again it requires a lot of control.

Therapy is not a bad thing. They can get to the root of your problem. Let it be past relastionships, family, friends, fears, etc. And help you over come your trust issues.

Meds along with Therapy are a good mix. You need something to help you settle down a little and help cope with these feelings you are having. Usually therapy and some sort of medication go hand in hand. But not always.

I do think that maybe something in the past has caused you to see an issue here. Is it possible commentment problems? Maybe your parents had some rough times? Friends or other family members.
Have you spoken to your other about this. Maybe have a heart to heart with him. Explain your worries and why they bother you so close to the heart. Maybe while he is out with the guys. Ask him if it is ok for you to stop by and check up. But do NOT make this a habit as it can infringe on more trust issues and his ability to have a good time without you. And you not being able to function without him.

I would suggest why not you go out and have a good time while he is out as well. I see no reason for you to sit at home while he is enjoying himself. Let it be clubing, craft, or book club. Find you something to take up this time. Go watch a movie even! Make it a good thing instead of a bad thing.

I wish you well and I understand what your going through. I went through this same thing with my "new" man. Well we have been together now for 12 years. My ex had cheated on me big time. And I figured this guy would too. But he has not. And it took some open heart convo's to get past it. It did not happen over night it took 2 years. But we did work through it. And because he understood where I was coming from. He stopped going out on his own and instead we do everything together. Except for things I'm no longer interested in. And the thoughts do still come up every now and then. But not has bad as they used to. I know I can call him any time I feel this "thing" coming up and we chat a bit and I can move on. It is not easy. And it is very frustrating. You feel the trust in your body. But your mind tells you other wise.
Keep the fight up and you can move on to a more full filling relationship.
Stop the WHAT IF'S as soon as they start. And use positive reinforcement to get you through. It will help.

Big hugs

((((HUGS))))

Cary-Ann

smallbird
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 6/25/2009 4:47 PM (GMT -7)   
One of the big problems I have, Is neither of us have cell phones. So it's basically impossible for me to talk to him when he's not home, and the other way around. I try to keep my mind off of it, but I currently have 0 hobbies. I've lost interest in a lot of things I used to do, and I lost almost all of my friends. I have no car, so I feel like I have nothing else to think about except for negative things.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/25/2009 5:07 PM (GMT -7)   

smallbird,

Welcome to HealingWell. I am Kitt.  Let me see if I can give you some advise.  :)

A little bit of jealousy when you are in a relationship is normal and shows that you care about the other person. Letting jealousy run through every aspect and interaction in your relationship is not healthy. Even if there is nothing going on, your jealousy could end up pushing away your significant other. They will feel like you do not trust them. Feelings of mistrust do not make a strong relationship. There is a way to deal with jealousy in a relationship. It takes some determination and work on your part, but you can get past your feelings of jealousy.

Examine why you get jealous of your significant other. Look back over past times when you got extremely jealous. Was it the fact that that he was looking at or talking to another woman or maybe it was the fact that he  did not have time to see you. To be able to deal with jealousy in a relationship, you need to know what triggers jealousy in you.

Do not let your feelings of jealousy go to extremes. Often times when we feel jealousy in a relationship, we let the feelings build and make more out of a situation then there really was. Every action that your significant other makes can have multiple meanings.

What you may see as a slight towards you, your significant other may not even think will affect you. Try to examine the actions of your partner from many angles so that you will realize that you are blowing your jealousy out of proportion.

Get all of the information on the actions in your relationship that is causing you to become jealous. Many times your jealousy in your relationship can lead to false accusations. This will drive your significant other away from your relationship. To truly know if your jealousy is warranted, you need to do some research and look into why the actions that your partner took were made.

Keep the lines of communication open with your significant other. Communication is important in all relationships. When you are jealous of your partner, being able to open up and discuss it will help to settle your feelings. With an open line of communication, your significant other can  tell you why he did what he did.

I would also like to suggest that you work on your own self esteem as it feels to me that you may be a bit down in how you feel about yourself.  You are a worthy and wonderful person and trust that you deserve a loving relationship.

Take care and hugs to you,

Kitt



 

Kitt,
Moderator: Osteoarthritis & GERD/Heartburn
Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, & Depression
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."
Not a mental health professional of any kind


Aries8
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 1015
   Posted 6/25/2009 5:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Well, not sure what to say. I've been there and it wasn't fun. The only difference is that my boyfriend was cheating. How often does he go out with friends? Does he ever invite you along?

Generalized Anxiety Disorder
 
60 mg. Prozac, Ativan as needed.
 
"Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets." Paul Tournier


smallbird
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 6/25/2009 5:12 PM (GMT -7)   
He goes out with his friends when I'm not at his house, and he can't really invite me along because we live 45 minutes away from eachother.

Aries8
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 1015
   Posted 6/25/2009 5:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Well, I would try to calm down and like the others said, try to figure out why you're so jealous. There must be a reason. I wouldn't accuse him of cheating. That may just push him into someone else's arms. You may be happy in this relationship, but if his going out is a problem, maybe you could talk to him about it? Good luck!
Generalized Anxiety Disorder
 
60 mg. Prozac, Ativan as needed.
 
"Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets." Paul Tournier


percycat
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 1952
   Posted 6/27/2009 7:50 AM (GMT -7)   
Welcome, Smallbird.

I'm sorry that you're feeling so stressed about your reactions in your relationship. As others have said, jealousy can be hard on a partnership. In my experience, it easily turns into possessiveness, which is terrible on the receiving end and none too healthy for the other.

Try to accept that you are deserving of a good relationship, and that just because your BF is not always available doesn't mean he cares for you less. I konw that a lot of the role models and pop culture settings today can make it seem like any time your significant other is apart from you, someone else is waiting to pounce on him/her, or your partner is really wanting to be on the "prowl," etc. Don't allow yourself to fall into the habit of thinking that's how real life behaves; that turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Do try to find ways to boost your own self-regard, and sense of being worthy to have friends and have a good romance. These things do a person a lot of good all through life.

Hugs,
percycat

Percy/Percycat

  • Co-Moderator, Anxiety and Panic Forum
  • DX: Anxiety, Depression, LPR (acid reflux), Allergies
  • Meds: Paxil, Nexium, Zantac, Singulair

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