feeling like a failure

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boo32
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 222
   Posted 6/29/2009 10:10 AM (GMT -7)   
hi all,
i hope you're all coping ok on this mudball we call earth.
 
I have been trying to concieve for over a year now. I've had ALL the tests and hormone treatment for 6 months which failed. My husbands test was fine also.
 
I just realised today the my recent surge in anwiety is caused by my plummeting self esteem.
I feel like a failur as a woman and a wife as my husband would love kids. But time is pushing on, we are both over 30 and can't afford ivf.
 
I also have lots of people asking when we're starting a family and while they are not being rude it's just thier curiousity as to why a 3 year married couple still haven't had a baby when all around us are.
 
I said to one person that i didn't want kids and she banged on for 30 mins about all the great things kids and a family brings, i had to just walk away. If i tell people i've been through the ringer ttc they get all embarassed and try to make you feel better with stupid stories of others who got pregnant after YEARS of trying. And, of course the old classic ''it'll happen as soon as you stop trying''
 
I know of all these stories ans as my health is against me i only have another couple of years before stopping as i don't want to be a first time mumat 40, no offence to anyone out there who does.
 
I guess i feel like a failur and worry about the future and staying in a job i hate as i have put my life on hold to start a family and it hasn't happened. I don't want to waste money starting a college course only to fall pregnant half way through.
 
I'm confused, depressed and anxiuos about everything.
BikeBoo, biking with my boo since 1999
Of all the things i've lost, i miss my mind the most!
Fibro and spinal arthritis, trying to mange it with diet, exercise and accepting my limits, as i'm allergic to EVERYTHING!
TTC NO1 since Jan08


Nanners
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 14995
   Posted 6/29/2009 12:55 PM (GMT -7)   
I am so sorry to hear about your difficulties ttc. I know you can't afford the IVF, but have you tried taking any of the hormones that might help you to conceive? I wish I had more answers for you, but at least I can offer some gentle hugs. I am sure the stress you are suffering is causing you to worry and fret more. First off honey, you are not a failure, and I am sure your husband doesn't think that either. Maybe the college course is the way to go, it will take your mind off your troubles and maybe just maybe you will get pregnant. I do know that when women really want a baby bad that at times the body can be affected and cause problems ttc. I had that happen to me before. Once you let go and leave it in God's hands things happen. I will definetly keep you in prayers that God grants your wish for a baby.


Big hugs
Gail *Nanners*
Gail*Nanners* Co-Moderator for Crohns Disease and Anxiety/Panic Forum
Been living with Crohn's Disease for 33 years. Currently on Asacol, Prilosec, Estrace, Prinivil, Diltiazem, Percoset prn for pain, Zofran, Phenergan, Probiotics, Calcium  w/Vit D, and Xanax as needed for my anxiety.  Resections in 2002 and 2005. Also diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, Osteoarthritis, and Anxiety. Currently my Crohns is in remission, but my joints are going crazy!
*Every tomorrow has two handles.  We can take hold of it by the handle of anxiety, or by the handle of faith"*

Aries8
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 1015
   Posted 6/29/2009 1:10 PM (GMT -7)   
idea  First of all, you need to relax. Nothing will happen if you are seeing yourself as a failure and you're counting the minutes until you're too old to conceive. It will happen, when it happens. I had my first at 34, followed by a miscarriage and then my youngest I had at 36.
 
I know women who didn't have children and they are doing fine. Do they regret not having them? I don't know, but they're alive and happy and healthy. When people ask you about children, I would tell them it's personal and I'd rather not talk about it.
 
Women are not only good for reproducing, but also for their kindness, hard work, intelligence, generosity, etc. You will do fine with children or no children. There is always the adoption choice. Many kids need homes out there. If you get pregnant while adopting, all the better. You'll have the beginning of the little family you wanted.
 
Relax, get busy with that college course and make your life fulfilling today. You never know what life will bring you.
 
 
Generalized Anxiety Disorder
 
60 mg. Prozac, Ativan as needed.
 
"Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets." Paul Tournier


Allestaria
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 341
   Posted 6/29/2009 6:08 PM (GMT -7)   
I Boo,

I think no one should ever. EVER put their lives on hold for to have children. Take your courses. Have a life. Don't wait for something that is not in your hands. You will regret that more and more as time passes by. You may get prego tomorrow or 3 months down the road. But there is no reason what so ever to not do what you want just because there is a baby on the brain. You are setting yourself up for more regret and self hate if you don't move on.

Now with that said. I have 3 brats of my own. 16,13, and 9. They are all 4 years apart. (Yes I know it looks like 3, and 4 years. But the oldest birthday is in Nov. And the next is in January) It took me 3 years to have my first. Then 4 years for the second and another 4 years for the 3rd. I wanted them all back to back. With in 1-2 years apart. Well it didn't happen that way. It took 4 years between each to have the next. Why, I have no idea. But that is the way it happened. We never tried to prevent it. It just happened this way. It was all in the hands of my body. When it was ready then is when it happened.

Just let time take it course. Be patient and live life. Never wait for something you can't control. Life is to short for that.

atvsamala
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 6/30/2009 2:35 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi,

It's extremely difficult that you couldn't start a family how much you tried. But have you ever thought of adoption? At the same time, stop being hard with yourself. You are not a failure. And even if you haven't fulfilled your dream of having kids, focus on the good things that are happening in your life.

I suggest that you assess what you really want to do with your life and be ready to do whatever you can in order to achieve what you want to achieve. I know that you would be able to do this, especially when you always focus on your past successes as this would fuel you with the courage and strength you need to be able to do what you want to do.

Regards,
atvsamala

SUNNYSIDE UP
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 6/30/2009 6:05 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi,

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so low at the moment.
People say all sorts of things ( sometimes they mean well or what they say comes out wrong because they make assumptions).
Try not to let what people say bother you..just try to have the view that despite how it seems, they mean well.

Don't think of yourself as a failure. You are not. We all go through different challenges and difficulties in life.
I don't have children myself and am now 46 , divorced and not in a relationship at present. Some people would probably regard me as a failure and I could do the same except that I know how great I am.
Like everyone, I am happy about some parts of my life and not so happy with others.
I do know that we all owe it to ourselves to be our own best friend.

Take care,

Jenni

boo32
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 222
   Posted 6/30/2009 10:58 AM (GMT -7)   

hi,

thank you all for your posts. They are all very valid points that i will definately take on board. I have erratic moods of late and today i feel fine and more positive. I think once the hormone treatment i was on leaves my system i'ii be much better.

I'm booking a holiday for next year and have made the first steps in getting on with my life. I know i just need to focus on the positive.

I really like this site and board as it gives me the reality check i need from time to time. I hope i can be of help to others when i get it together.

Thanks again smilewinkgrin


BikeBoo, biking with my boo since 1999
Of all the things i've lost, i miss my mind the most!
Fibro and spinal arthritis, trying to mange it with diet, exercise and accepting my limits, as i'm allergic to EVERYTHING!
TTC NO1 since Jan08


Aries8
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 1015
   Posted 6/30/2009 10:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Good luck! Relax and you just might conceive. Jenni, you're doing great! Hang in there and make some fun in your life!
Generalized Anxiety Disorder
 
60 mg. Prozac, Ativan as needed.
 
"Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets." Paul Tournier


badfish
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 393
   Posted 7/1/2009 5:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Just wanted I know a married women in her late 30's who chose not too have kids. Im only in my 20's but I have ALOT of respect for her. Goodluck to u boo32
 

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