OCD is ruining my life.

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Cant Deal
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 34
   Posted 7/31/2009 7:37 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello,
 
I found this forum and I really hope someone can offer some advice and help.  I have always have anxiety issues but a hiv scare has put me completely over the edge.  I got a negative test back but I still can't get over it.  I find myself thinking about all the "whit ifs" every waking hour.. like, what if the doctor sent in the wrong kind of test, what if I am one of those people that takes longer than the rest to show up positive, what if I need one more test to be sure, what if I do have it, do I really want to know? etc.   I am constantly online searching for more info and I am constantly obsessing.
 
I know why this has affected me so badly, it's because I can't get over the guilt of being stupid and putting myself at risk.  I feel like I must have it because I deserve to be punished. 
 
All I want to do is get on with my life and I just can't.  I am stuck in a prison inside my head and I can't tell anyone because I am too ashamed of what I have done in my past. 
 
Please help. :(

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 7/31/2009 8:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Cant Deal

Hello and welcome to HealingWell.  I am sorry you are feeling so anxious but please do remember that you are human, you made a mistake and now it is behind you so let go of the guilt.  Guilt is a wasted emotion. There are so many of us who are completely unaware of how self-defeating it is to constantly feel guilt. The belief in society is; if we have done wrong, we should feel guilty and ashamed.
Guilt is a natural, normal emotion that passes through us when we believe we have done wrong or done someone harm. Let go of the guilt and move on with your life.
 
Kick the "what ifs" to the curb. Your test results are in so be thankful and let go of this issue.  Move forward with your life as you are a good and deserving person.......look for the goodness in each and every day.
 
I wish you peace,
Kitt
 

Kitt,
Moderator: Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn
Anxiety/Panic, & Depression
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."
Not a mental health professional of any kind


Cant Deal
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 34
   Posted 7/31/2009 8:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you very much for your kind words.

This is so hard for me and I get so frustrated because I can't understand why my mind is doing this. Had I received negative results to any other serious health issue I could move on without issue. I wake up every day and tell myself "No googling hiv today" and I sometimes can make it for a few hours but then the OCD takes over and I feel as if I have to check things or call a hotline to ease my mind. I wonder if this is normal and others have been through the same thing? Feeling as though their test must be an error... that's why I am here. It is so nice to see I am not alone.

I know I have to come to terms with the fact that my OCD is the problem not HIV but my mind (the irrational part) will not win this battle.

I have tried Wellbutrin and it made things go into overdrive and I had full on panic attacks when the HIV thoughts came. I am quite sensitive to medication and often experience all the bad side effects.

StKitt, I will think of your words when the bad thoughts come. I really hope for some peace. Everything else in my life is wonderful but this has been taking over for 8 months now.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 7/31/2009 9:12 AM (GMT -7)   
I am so glad you found some peace in my post to you. I do understand the mind in overdrive as it happens to me too and I really have to use the brakes to stop the "stinkin thinkin" and accept that it is the anxiety kicking in. :)

Reading the following quote often helps me.......... I hope it help you to in some small way.

“Love yourself—accept yourself—forgive yourself—and be good to yourself, because without you the rest of us are without a source of many wonderful things.” ~Leo F. Buscaglia~

Take care Cant Deal and have a peaceful week end.

Gentle Hugs
Kitt

Post Edited By Moderator (Admin) : 8/7/2010 10:59:31 PM (GMT-6)

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