I have been reading posts tonight since registering and it seems this is a great community! I recently joined Alcoholics Anonymous (85 days sober!) and wanted to find a place I could chat and share while I am online. I hope to eventually contribute as much, or more, than I receive on this site. Here is my current story. I also posted this in the depression forum, but it seems applicable here. Sorry it is so long, but I could wanted to include everything relevant. I would greatly appreciate any input:
I am 27 and am moving from one big city to another at the end of the month. I have lived in my current city for four years, but have been bored with if for the past two. In May, I obtained my law degree from a prestigious school. I have not yet obtained employment in this wonderful market, but am optimistic. I have great, supportive friends and family, especially my mother, with whom I am very close and
open. I love playing music, hiking, reading, and getting tattooed.
This winter, I fell in love for only the second time, even though we were only together for 4 months. She chased me from the beginning and worked diligently to get my guard down. She said she loved me and we almost moved in together. It did not work because I got very depressed and she changed (or reverted) from a chill, caring, intellectual to a vicious Club Barbie. She is a successful model, but swore she was done with it when we met. She also said she was over clubbing and said she wanted to settle down and seemed very content with hiking, dining, and just lounging with me. Our main problem was that we hung out frequently (almost every day) for 9 weeks and then she suddenly said she could not come around as much because of school. I said she was being paranoid about
her workload (she admitted such later), but she took me as patronizing her because she is still in undergrad and I was in professional school. She also thought I was not supporting her scholastically and was being clingy, which I was to the extent of wanting to see my girlfriend more than once every two weeks. The last few weeks were a lot of fighting, then getting back together, and then she finally dumped me the last week of March, but only after I spent my whole Spring Break on the phone counseling her and helping her out of a brief depression. She hooked up with a greasy club owner just 3 weeks later.
Seven weeks prior to breaking up, my roommate came home from work and freaked out on me about
the toilet running (which it always did), so I left. This was a long time coming and was actually very good for our friendship. We are friends again, and have been for 20 years. I couch surfed for 3 weeks until another friend and I finally found a place. I tried to move in with both him and the ex but we did not get the nice place she wanted. She did not seem to like the apartment I ended up in and did not visit much at the end. All the while, I was interning at a busy office. My brother who is my best friend left this city for home in the Midwest after 3 years of living here. Also, two of my close friends’ dads died. I was drinking heavily through all of this and frequently sent resentful text messages to my ex. She threatened to call the police on me a lot during this period but always turned supportive when I sent her something nice the next day when I woke. I ran into her at a club and she ignored me and even laughed at me when I tried to talk to her. I had been mildly sad for short periods before, but was severely depressed at this point. I needed to drink a 5th of Jack Daniels before I could eat each day. I lost a lot of weight and felt constant sickening anxiety. I could not brush my teeth without gagging or vomiting. I now know what hell is– it is being sick and trapped by your ego, completely cut off from your own life force. I am positive I drank myself into a serotonin deficiency.
I felt bad about
moving out of my friend’s place, missed my cat there, missed my brother, and missed the love of my life. I have dated a lot and was previously in a 2.5 year relationship, but this is definitely the first time I have ever had my heart broken. My interest in the internship kept my mind off of things during the day, but that ended in the middle of April, four weeks before school was out for everyone else. I had a lot of time to myself.
I finally got sober at the end of May and have been since. I got on Lexapro at the same time and went to AA meetings. I actually cannot get free therapy because I have health insurance and most of the therapists here do not take insurance and I do not have the funds to experiment with them out of pocket. My insurance expires next week and I plan on seeking guidance in the new city.
Now sober, I studied for the bar exam for two months and felt very prepared. However, three days before the test, I fell ill with influenza. The symptoms seemed to have subsided by test day, but the first 1.5 days of the test saw my cognition quite foggy and my reading comprehension very slow. Due to my performance, I had a nervous breakdown and almost drank. I somehow finished the last half of the test in top form, but it was probably too late. Due to this experience, side effects and just not wanting to be on drugs, I quit the Lexapro. I have been off it for almost 3 weeks. I feel a lot better and am very excited about
moving and finding a job in a new city. I have many old friends there and love the dating and music scenes. I plan on being very active in AA, as there is a vibrant, young sober community there. I rarely have the urge to drink and am finding purpose in the mere fact of making it through each day not drinking.
From late July until last week, I had still been talking to the ex. We said we were going to try and be friends and were very supportive of each other. However, when I told her I was moving at the end of this month, she sent me an indifferent “good luck” text message. I was angry she did not consider seeing me (we haven’t seen each other since the club confrontation), and I called her out on it. We said nasty things, and she admitted she “just felt sorry” for me and guilty for wronging me and never really intended to be my friend. I told her I did not want to be with her, but did miss her a lot. She admitted to misrepresenting herself to me when we started dating and also to having detachment issues - leaving people that loved her in the past. She also cannot stay friends with anyone except her cousin for long. I have seen her devastate two close, mutual friends, coincidentally, at the same time she got rid of me.
I know I should have not contacted her after the breakup, but even going a month without any contact did not get her out of my mind. I hope finally fulfilling my longstanding wish to move will help. I did not want her to really be a vacuous person, as somehow I got really close to this girl and gave a lot of myself away, but I guess one cannot alter reality. We agreed last week not to speak anymore, and I hope to God I can honor that resolution.
The only other thing that is bothering me (a lot less than not being able to let go of this girl, sadly enough) is that my dad just got picked up for a felony DUI (he has had many), and is facing prison. (My mother divorced my father because of his drinking when I was 12. It seems he never got over her and even stalked her the first year or so, and quite conspicuously.)
All in all, I feel pretty good, but want the thoughts and feelings in my chest of her to go away. I had been reading a lot of Eckhart Tolle and other new age/Buddhists texts, and they helped, but I am a little fatigued after all from 2009 to transcend to any new levels of consciousness at this point - the ego is still making its presence felt! I feel very depressed when I get up, which is 2pm because I am just sort of waiting to use a plane ticket home this week, and then come back and move. After being awake for a few hours and working out I feel fine. It seems my dreams are where my mind decides to assert its sadistic autonomy.
Anything you can share or suggest regarding my story would be much appreciated! I know it is a lot and is all over the place, but writing it felt quite cathartic. Discussing my deal and receiving genuine feedback is the greatest thing I do right now. Knowing there are others who are forging ahead on wobbly legs, and even then lending their shoulders to others, is all the inspiration I need. Thanks so much!
"Even when the sky is heavily overcast, the sun hasn't disappeared. It's still there on the other side of the clouds." - E.T.