Can't Get Over My Last Relationship :*(

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TinyDancer94
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 8/24/2009 10:21 AM (GMT -7)   
Okay, so pardon my rambling....but I really need to get this out, because I'm going crazy.
 
I am having TERRIBLE anxiety over a recent breakup.  I am a 27-year-old bisexual female who was involved with a 25-year-old ***.  It is not my first relationship with a woman, however, it was probably the most solid relationship with a woman that I have ever had and I really felt like it might go somewhere.  We were only together for six months but the first 3-4 months were incredible.  She calmed me down when I was around her....we did all of the things a couple would do, like go to the grocery store, cook dinner, watch movies, go out for sushi, etc.  I saw the world in her eyes and her in mine.
 
Recently, she started pulling away from me....there was cuddling and intimacy emotionally, but nothing physical happening....and one night admitted over the phone that she felt like I cared more about the relationship than she did...that I was putting forth more effort. She told me she felt "lost" like she didn't know who she was anymore, but that she loved me and couldn't bear to think about me not being in her life.
 
Things started getting tough after that--she felt terrible for hurting me and wanted to try harder, but I never felt like she was putting forth the effort that she should have been if she cared in the way she did.  I always felt like I loved her TOO much and wasn't getting the same in return.  She wanted more time to herself and at the end, even asked for one night/week to spend the night and MAYBE see each other a few other times during the week, but not stay over.  To me, that wasn't a relationship, especially considering I'm busier than she is and I could still make time for her.
 
After much arguing, crying, etc. we decided to go on a break.  I didn't want the break, but the only other option she gave me was a breakup.  She said, let's take a month away from each other (it's more like 5-6 weeks) and reunite at the end of September and see where we are at..."no guarantees, but if I see the happy, positive girl I met and not the anxious, insecure girl you have been, chances are better that something might work out." 
 
I haven't heard from her in a week....not even a simple text.  We have "no rules, no regulations, etc." on the break, but I wake up every morning with a pit in my stomache, not wanting to get up and spending the entire day fighting off tears until I get home at night and lose it.  I feel warm, sick, and fatigued.  I can't be alone--friends have been spending the night at my place and if I am alone, I take Xanax because the anxiety is tearing me up inside.  I am also on Paxil, as I have upped my medication, due to this breakup. 
 
My stomache always hurts, I can't eat, can't sleep through the night....I'm not happy, can't "fake" happy and I am scared of letting it affect my job.  The anxiety is KILLING me...I'm depressed and anxious, so while I know I should get out and get my mind off of things, I can't get off the darn couch.
 
I miss her so much and it's taking all of my urge not to call her/text her.  I know that will only be harmful, but I hate not knowing if she misses me at all....or if she is just fine...because I am CLEARLY not.  I have a therapist, but she is on vacation, so I am going to walk-in counseling this afternoon....even though I know what I have to do to keep myself busy, I can't seem to make myself do it.   All I can think about is her and the anxiety is overwhelming me....what can I do to get over this anxiety/depression I have over losing her and not knowing what is going to happen during this month-long "break?" 
 
Friends have told me to act like we are done, and move on.  They have also said "get out" and find things to do...exercise, etc.  Nothing seems to be working.
 
~Tiny~ cry

Post Edited (TinyDancer94) : 8/25/2009 8:59:02 AM (GMT-6)


hazelnut86
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 1221
   Posted 8/25/2009 7:33 AM (GMT -7)   
i just went through a break up too with a man who told me for 8 months that he would never hurt me and i was safe with him. then he couldn't stop talking to ex gf's and i found out from his daughter he had invited an ex over to swim twice! he said it was no big deal because she is in a relationship and they are only friends. but he wouldn't like it if it was done to him either! so i feel your pain when someone acts like you don't matter it really damages your self esteem. i'm with ya and i hear ya!!!! pray and try to keep busy!! easier said than done i know. i'm having horrible anxiety today for some reason. i turn 40 on sunday and it's freaking meout. especially since i'm single still!!! :P hang in there!!!!

Nanners
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 14995
   Posted 8/25/2009 8:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Tinydancer,

And welcome to Healingwell. I am so sorry to hear of your heartbreak. I know all the cliches are out there, but one of them is very true, only times heals.

Also, even in healthy relationships, there always seems to be one person who loves the other more. I am glad to hear you are going to see a walk in counsellor. I was wondering if they might give you one of the fast acting meds such as Xanax to take to help calm you some. I know sometimes I can stop my anxiety and others I can't, and when I can't I rely on my Xanax to help thru those bad times.

I hope you get feeling better soon.

Hugs
Gail*Nanners*
Gail*Nanners* Co-Moderator for Crohns Disease and Anxiety/Panic Forum
Crohn's Disease for over 33 years. Currently on Asacol, Prilosec, Estrace, Prinivil, Diltiazem, Percoset prn for pain, Zofran, Phenergan, Probiotics, Calcium  w/Vit D, and Xanax as needed. Resections in 2002 and 2005. Also diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, Osteoarthritis, and Anxiety. Currently my Crohns is in remission, but my joints are going crazy!
It's scary when you start making the same noises As your coffee maker.
*Every tomorrow has two handles.  We can take hold of it by the handle of anxiety, or by the handle of faith"*

TinyDancer94
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 8/25/2009 3:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for your responses...
 
I just logged into facebook and saw that her facebook status says "I hate this part right here..."
 
Now, that's *****cat Dolls song, and it talks about not being able to take the relationship any longer, "thought that we were stronger," etc. etc. etc.  It's a heartbreaking song.  Now, I realize we are on a "break," but I think she is already done and I am now completely distressed now and can't focus on my day.  My anxiety level went from a 3 to a 9.....I feel sick.
 
I miss her so much! :*(
 
~Tiny~

Nanners
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 14995
   Posted 8/25/2009 5:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Hang in there Tiny, I know how much it hurts, but I promise sweetie better days are ahead. Try to avoid going onto facebook or other things like that that might cause upset. Your just going to cause yourself more pain reading that stuff. Do you have any fast acting meds you can talk to calm yourself? If so please use them to help calm your spirits. Keep coming here and talking to us, we do care.

Hugs
Gail*Nanners*
Gail*Nanners* Co-Moderator for Crohns Disease and Anxiety/Panic Forum
Crohn's Disease for over 33 years. Currently on Asacol, Prilosec, Estrace, Prinivil, Diltiazem, Percoset prn for pain, Zofran, Phenergan, Probiotics, Calcium  w/Vit D, and Xanax as needed. Resections in 2002 and 2005. Also diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, Osteoarthritis, and Anxiety. Currently my Crohns is in remission, but my joints are going crazy!
It's scary when you start making the same noises As your coffee maker.
*Every tomorrow has two handles.  We can take hold of it by the handle of anxiety, or by the handle of faith"*

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/25/2009 8:29 PM (GMT -7)   
 
Welcome to HealingWell. I am so sorry you are going through a break up but it's time to take a giant step back and reassess this romance, or what's left of it.

It is crucial that you understand how important it is that a person's words and actions match.

She tells you she cares for  you occasionally and under pressure, but her ACTIONS prove otherwise. What you have described is a romance that's going nowhere.

Please know coming here is a wonderful and courageous step. You are voicing your fears so you know what they are. Also seeking professional help is the right thing to do.  Never settle for second best when you deserve 1st.

Again a warm welcome to HealingWell,

Kitt



 

Kitt,
Moderator: Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn
Anxiety/Panic, & Depression
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."
Not a mental health professional of any kind


TinyDancer94
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 8/26/2009 9:04 AM (GMT -7)   
I know that I deserve the best and that is why I couldn't continue doing what I was doing with her, however, now I have lost her completely.

I don't want to remove her from my facebook because I don't want to lose her as a friend IF we decide we can't be together, but sometimes, it is so hard to see people just going on with their life without you.

She does tell me that she cares about me, and loves me and wants to make it work, but "right now" she just can't do it. She doesn't have the energy and wants to focus on work. She doesn't have that "romantic feeling" around me right now, especially because she doesn't think I am stable.

I have Xanax that I can take if I am having a really hard time....I take Paxil at night.

The last couple of days have been really difficult. I'm still struggling to sleep at night but waking up in the morning is the worst part. All of my friends want me to come out and hang out with them but really, all I want is company at my house...I don't want to go to the bar....

I never thought it would be this hard :*(

~Tiny~

Nanners
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 14995
   Posted 8/26/2009 9:27 AM (GMT -7)   
As hard as it is, please just try to take it one day at a time.

Hugs
Gail*Nanners*
Gail*Nanners* Co-Moderator for Crohns Disease and Anxiety/Panic Forum
Crohn's Disease for over 33 years. Currently on Asacol, Prilosec, Estrace, Prinivil, Diltiazem, Percoset prn for pain, Zofran, Phenergan, Probiotics, Calcium  w/Vit D, and Xanax as needed. Resections in 2002 and 2005. Also diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, Osteoarthritis, and Anxiety. Currently my Crohns is in remission, but my joints are going crazy!
It's scary when you start making the same noises As your coffee maker.
*Every tomorrow has two handles.  We can take hold of it by the handle of anxiety, or by the handle of faith"*

TinyDancer94
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 8/26/2009 2:03 PM (GMT -7)   
That is what I am trying to do...my therapist used to suggest that I take it "five minutes at a time," but right now, all I'm trying to do is fill up my days with work, work, work, etc. so I don't have to think about it too much. When I am at work, I try to focus on work...plus, I am starting a new job...which helps.

How can anyone feel good about themselves when the person that they love doesn't even seem to care that they exist? I'm finding it hard to pick myself up.

~Tiny~

worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 8/26/2009 3:30 PM (GMT -7)   
TinyDancer94 said...
That is what I am trying to do...my therapist used to suggest that I take it "five minutes at a time," but right now, all I'm trying to do is fill up my days with work, work, work, etc. so I don't have to think about it too much. When I am at work, I try to focus on work...plus, I am starting a new job...which helps.

How can anyone feel good about themselves when the person that they love doesn't even seem to care that they exist? I'm finding it hard to pick myself up.

~Tiny~
you cant make someone love you and obsessing over it isnt healthy. i know you cant help it and you feel your life is over but have stopped to think why you are obsessing over her? is it because you love her or is it because of something else? i can almost bet that it is to fill a void that you have that you think she can fill. well if there is a void she is not gonna fill it. you need to find out the why and then take care of the why and then and only then will you be able to have a Healthy relationship. right now this relationship or the thought of the relationship is not healthy cause you are obsessing. i think she may sense or see that you are obsessing and she is afraid. you need to get past that and then work on yourself then you can try to fix the relationship. you have to love yourself before you can love someone else or anyone else can love you

Nanners
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 14995
   Posted 8/27/2009 6:09 AM (GMT -7)   
TinyDancer, I think worriedgirl gave you some very good advice.
Gail*Nanners* Co-Moderator for Crohns Disease and Anxiety/Panic Forum
Crohn's Disease for over 33 years. Currently on Asacol, Prilosec, Estrace, Prinivil, Diltiazem, Percoset prn for pain, Zofran, Phenergan, Probiotics, Calcium  w/Vit D, and Xanax as needed. Resections in 2002 and 2005. Also diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, Osteoarthritis, and Anxiety. Currently my Crohns is in remission, but my joints are going crazy!
It's scary when you start making the same noises As your coffee maker.
*Every tomorrow has two handles.  We can take hold of it by the handle of anxiety, or by the handle of faith"*

mikey_7788
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 9/29/2009 7:23 AM (GMT -7)   
i could have written this post... i'm in the exact same deal except in my job i am not very busy and had used my downtime to talk with her, and now even at work i'm having that anxiety!

SO much of what you've written is exactly what i would have said.

Idk.. i felt like i was so connected to her that part of ME is gone.. the physical symptoms.. the shaking, the thing where you realize you just haven't eaten today... they're part of the healing process as weird as that seems... i'm trying to look at EVERY single positive experience as a step towards that "better time" all these advice givers keep talking about... i think things like "if i can get through ten more of these "the most horrible moment of my life" moments then i'll be ten more closer to where i can actually start to heal instead of just trying to make it through the day.

I'm literally feeling your pain at this moment if that helps.. i came to work to find i didn't have enough to keep me busy, and i fell right into that hole in my head where i just had nothing to grab onto... i googled like "deal with this horrible anxiety" or something and came on your thread.

lol... not sure if it's even helping or not, but i need to tell you that i am literally in the same place, and i know what it's like to be hearing "oh, it was never meant to be" or "it was unhealthy and blah blah" but knowing what you felt and how awful it is that that feeling is in the process of being ripped from you....

i read a bunch of inspirational quotes like "spring always follows the winter" and "no night can last forever".. that's comforting.. keeping your eyes on the whole "this wont last forever" thing and knowing that the ONLY thing that's going to put any kind of dent in this is time.

I'm surrounding myself with positive as much as i can and pushing away negative as much as i can and trying to see how every day is the tiniest bit better, but i know it's like watching a tree grow... you're not going to notice the progress day to day, only after weeks have past will you really be able to see change.

Right now, any day you make it through is a win... soon enough any day you actually deal with some of what you're feeling will be a win, and someday, you're going to turn around and realize you're breathing again and the trees and the sky and life in general will get its color back. at least, that's what i keep telling myself...

Forgive yourself, love yourself, recognize and congratulate every tiny tiny victory, and recognize you're going through a natural mourning process, and the only way through it is through it. Recognize the backslides and forgive yourself, recognize what you can do that you do not want to do that will help.. (I'm running every morning since i'm awake at 5 worrying anyway)

idk.. i'm babbling... for me talking about it and facing it gets me through the day and helps give me my perspective...

lol... i just looked up and saw this is like a month old... You must be in such a different place... lol.. at least your pain helped me through the day.
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