New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

nolongernuts
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 9/12/2009 5:45 AM (GMT -7)   
For about 9 years, I had the fear that I was crazy. I can remember the exact time and circumstance when I first allowed the thought to take control of my life. I was coming home from school, and was thinking about my ackwardness when it came to interacting with peers at my school. I was always so afraid of saying the wrong thing, that I often altered my speech to fit a standard that I thought would make me accepted. Of course, this filtered way of communicating only further set me apart from my goal of fitting in. Upon mulling my ineptitude one walking home from school, the a lethal thought entered my mind that would change the cpurse of my life forever. I was right at my door, about to enter- why was I so ackward, why did I have these fears of interacting, why did I feel as if everyone was looking at me and judging me- why was I such a failure with people. The thought struck me right before I pulled the screen door: I must be crazy. That must be the answer. Why else would I be so weird around people? From that moment on my life became a living hell. Every thought that entered my mind from that point on only served to mean that  was certifiably crazy. Normal everyday thoughts , such as the way I put my backpack down, how I ate, how I walked, talked- everything meant that I was nuts. there was no safe thought. Normal feelings of being a teenager became posinous. If I liked a guy, it meant I was obsessed. I analyzed everything I did. Math was a no no because schizophrenic people were good at math. I smoked, and most schizophrenic people smoked. I hated the emotional abuse my mom put me through- I hated her. That meant I was phychotic. Benign everyday thoughts about eating, peeing, sleeping- became only more evidence that there was some horrible flaw in me that kept me from fitting in , and being acknowledged in my houshold.TV shows and books were especiaally hard- especially fiction. Reading fiction meant that I entertained ideas that were not real, so that meant I was delusional. Reading material for school became especially hard because I had to formulate an unique opinion on what I read, and how did I know that based on others interpretation of the reading that my opinion wasnt just off the wall? I became so obbessive about appearing "normal" that I am sure that was the last thing I portrayed to people. I was in so much fear on a minute to minute basis that I developed skaking on a constant basis.I was always shaking. I threw up all the time from a quavering stomach, and developed hemroids- at 16, from my intestions being in constant turmoil. Panick attacks of course, became a regular part of my existence. Have a major panick attack, then think I was crazy for having the attack, and have another one only minutes later. It was wave upon wave of panick. It got to the point that my nerves were so fried from the constant chemical release that I would shake even without an attack. I was constantly sick from the attack of nerves. I stopped having a period for months in a row, my hair started to fall out in the shower.and I bagan to dissacociate. That only served to provr that I was, in fact crazy as ****. The term "out of your mind" that applied to me, because I was observing my own thought from what seemed above my body. I now know, that my mind couldnt cope with the rape of forcing myself to believe that I had something irredemably wrong with me. For a long long time, many years in fact- I had to exist in that terrifying state.At school, when I was suppossed to be participating I was not in my body. Being called on in class was a panick. Can they tell I feel this way? will they know if I speak? Tv, especially crime shows in which "crazy people" committed certain behavior, was a source of fear.The movie saving private ryan was hard for me because they were forced to kill people when it was counter intuitive to their  insticts. I became so terrified that I had to sleep on the couch falling asleep to what ever I convinced myself was a bening show or topic on tv. or at least less disturbing. I was so fearful that I began sleeping in my moms bed, because I thought the thought of going absolutely raving mad was lesslikely to occur in her presence, and I reverted back to a child like feeling of safty. O f course, she only made me feel more crazy sleeping next to her.
But I blocked out those feelings so I could fall asleep. when in my own room sleeping was difficult and nightmarish. I developed night terrors which only made me feel phychotic because of the content of the dreams.I bacame ocd, with compulsive thoughts that would vindicate my slef diagnosis.  I withdrew so I could handle "being crzy"by myself and not have any one "discover" my true madness. being around friends was especially hard, unless except for very close relationships that validated my saneness. Drinking was a good escape because I could justify feelings of unreality to the effects of alcohol. It became a cruch. I need to stop here. I could go on and one bc I never thought that ohters had this same affliction. I am recovered now. mostly.

nolongernuts
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 9/12/2009 5:48 AM (GMT -7)   
So sorry for the spelling mistakes. Posted without reading first

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/12/2009 6:36 AM (GMT -7)   
 
Hello and welcome to HealingWell and the A & P forum.  That was a long post :-)
 
I am not sure if you were just posting your thoughts and your past experience but what I do see missing is how you recovered from this awful state you were in ? 
 
You mentioned school, so I am guessing you are young.  You went through a lot for someone still in school. I truly hope that whatever worked for you to get you are of your dark hole is something you can continue to use through out your life.
 
Take care,
 
Kitt 
 

Kitt,
Moderator: Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn
Anxiety/Panic, & Depression
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."
DX: Anxiety, Depression, Osteoarthritis, GERD, Raynaud's syndrome, Skin Cancer and  IBS

Not a mental health professional of any kind


nolongernuts
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 9/13/2009 10:45 PM (GMT -7)   

Hey there

Just wanted to give a brief explanation on how I managed my recovery. It took about 5

years after I graduated from high school to mostly become comfortable inside my own

thought processes. Dealing with my social phobia ( a continuous journey) helped to get to

the root of my anxiety. Also, realizing that just because I thought something negative about

myself, my thinking, did not make it true. Though a counter intuitive under taking at the time,

I forced myself to replace thoughts of "crazy" with thoughts of "your okay", "thats a normal thought"

etc. It took a long time for me to change my thought patterns and buy into this sense of normalacy.

My ackwardness socialy still makes me nervous, but I chalk it up to the issue itself, not to thinking

that there is something inherintly wrong with me. My thinking was, I put these thoughts into

my head, and I can also change them. Whenever I hear someone talk about the power of the

mind, I smile and think, if only they knew. I took myself to hell and back.  I view my psyche as a

flexible, changable thing, rather then feeling as if I am stuck with the some unchangable label.

Thank you for replying to my earlier post.

 


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/14/2009 6:50 AM (GMT -7)   
 
Great insight into yourself and congratulations on beating your anxiety by learning to rethink your skewed thoughts.
 
I am glad you are feeling so much better and the mind is a powerful thing..................it can make you or break you.  In your case you did all the right things to kick the "stinkin thinkin" to the curb.
 
Kudos to you and thank you for sharing how you overcame your anxiety.
 
I wish you peace,
 
Kitt

 

Kitt,
Moderator: Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn
Anxiety/Panic, & Depression
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."
DX: Anxiety, Depression, Osteoarthritis, GERD, Raynaud's syndrome, Skin Cancer and  IBS

Not a mental health professional of any kind

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Saturday, December 03, 2016 5:01 PM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,732,297 posts in 301,007 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151169 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, Zags.
278 Guest(s), 13 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
Chask, notsosicklygirl, Pirouette, Girlie, UserANONYMOUS, LG13, ChickNorris, TomG1988, Fairwind, SueCAll, Malone26, trumpet123, multifacetedme


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer