How can someone actually be like that?

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P11
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 9/15/2009 7:33 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello everyone,
 
Well i have posted here before and got great answers, but i havent posted in a while.
 
In a nut shell, i have been dating a girl for almost a year now, we both came out of long term relationships and took it slow in the begininng. We talked for months and really got to know each other before acutally dating. She has a young child with her ex, he is a great little kid and even though i was never thinking of dating someone with a kid we have a lot of fun together.
 
I dont want to sound like every boyfriend that makes fun of thier partners ex but her ex is very immature, thats really the best way i can put it. I dont know him too well, but i know his actions, or lack thereof. I know when the kid was born he was in the hospital for only a couple hours (she was there for 3 days) and when asked why he said he was too tired to be there. After the kid was born they broke up, when she was pregnant i was told he went on a cruise and cheated on her or something close to that. After he was born they were not living together but she would still give him the opprotunity to see the kid even though he didnt really seem to care too much. He would say he would keep the kid for the night only to call hours later saying he had a stomach ache or something (this is supposed to be an adult with a son) and couldnt watch him anymore. Recently the baby has been sick to the point of being on a resperator and the father said he would take him to his doctors appt the next day, he never showed up and called late afternoon asking if he could see the kid and not caring at all about the fact that he missed the appt. His response was that he made a mistake so get over it.
 
Im trying to explain this as mature as i can so to not sound like im just cutting him down for no reason, but he isnt the most intimidating person in the world if thats the word. He was spoiled when he was younger and is the perfect example of "young adults nowadays" where going out and having some beer with the bro's and watching the game is all that matters. He has made multiple comments about me and has no problem "saying" what he can do to people, when in all reality all he does is posture when any drama has happened. On one incident he actually showed up at a buddies house crying because everyone he knew basically blew him off because of his actions that i listed above.
 
The thing is with this guy is it never ends, every other week i hear a new story about how he doesnt do something for the kid or how he was out and he did this or that. Now i dont surround myself with him, his friends or anyone that knows him but i live in this town and i have ears, so its not always that hard to hear things about other people. The problem that im having and the reason im posting this is after the last incident with him forgetting to take the kid to the doctor and basically saying it was no big deal, i cant seem to get him out of my head. In my head i cant figure out how someone could actually be like that and be ok with it. In his head he is the best dad around and the coolest, toughest guy on the block. He really isnt arrogant and if you saw him today he would look no different then anyone else his age, but when you hear him talk or hear his actions you will think otherwise.
 
I have always had a problem understanding how people can do the things they do when it comes to someone like this. Somebody told me once that if you are a piece of crap you know it and see it everyday in the mirrior. I dont agree with that, i think people like this guy actually think its ok to do what they do and i think that is what eats me up about it. Lately it just doesnt end though, everytime i get a free minute im thinking about him, "How can someone be like that?", "Are you kidding me?", "Why would he do that?". Its been months now and to be frank, i dont know why i care. Its not because of her, in my mind she made that bed now she has to lay in it.
 
The only thing i can come up with, is to me he is the exact definition in what i dislike about people my age, the youth nowadays seem to have no respect for anything and just dont care as long as they are comfortable, no one is unique anymore i feel like. Im young myself but do not act like most my age.
 
Overall its very unreal to me and something that i cant stop thinking about, please let me know what you guys think.
 

jujub
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Mar 2003
Total Posts : 10392
   Posted 9/15/2009 7:50 AM (GMT -7)   
I think this is between your girlfriend and him, and you should let them handle it.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/15/2009 8:39 AM (GMT -7)   
 
I think Judy has a valid point.  The one thing missing from your post is where is the little one in this picture..........did he get to his Doctors appointment?  That would be my first concern not the personality of the baby's Father.
Repectfully,
Kitt

 

Kitt,
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Krista07
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 64
   Posted 9/15/2009 11:37 AM (GMT -7)   
P11,
All I can say from my own dealing's with my daughter's step-mom, and my ex-husband of my two boys....is you can't worry about other people...it will it out from the inside out.
What's most important in your relationship is the child...and if the child is happy, healthy, and well cared for...that's really the only thing that matters.

I do hope this helps....(I know it's kept me moving forward all these years!!)

Krista
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Allestaria
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 341
   Posted 9/15/2009 12:36 PM (GMT -7)   
Afternoon P11,

I know its hard to understand why people are the way they are. Sometimes its better to just not over analyze it. I have an ex - hubby who tried to "kidnap" my oldest daughter once. He was all ready to take her to live with him and his then girlfriend in a travel trailer. He was not working. Nor was she as she lives off welfare and does not have the gul to work. And thinks everyone else owes her.

Anyway, I fret for months over this. Why would he do this? Why would he want to take her out of a nice 3 bedroom home. To live in a travel trailer. (One they got evicted from because of 6 other kids living in a poor environment)

But besides that. It did take me some time to just give up. To not try and figure him out anymore. I had tons of questions going threw my brain for about 2 years. I finally just let it go. Chalked it up to him just being a not so smart person.

He was not raised properly. His parents cheated on eachother. His mom married her "lover" then when he died she married the man she was cheating on him with.
So you can see he was raised that cheating was ok. Heck we (when dating as teenagers) would go to the "other mans" business to wash his truck and walk to dog for date money.
My ex didn't see anything wrong with it. The whole family knew of the other man. I myself thought it was totally wrong and thought down on the family. But the family viewed it as ok.

Oh well. I know better in my heart of hearts that it was wrong. He may never admit to it. But what goes around comes around. His girlfriend now wife is cheating on him. And he had the nerve to ask me for advice on how to fix it..HAHA..

So my advice. Let it go. You can't fix him. Just be there for the girlfriend and the child in question. Be the best you can be. And know you are better then he is. One day he will regret what he has done. It might not be next year or 5 years. But he will. And you will have the satisfaction of knowing you did right.

Take Care
Cary-Ann

Nanners
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 14995
   Posted 9/15/2009 1:55 PM (GMT -7)   
I have to agree with Judy too. I would step back and let her and the ex deal with the child matters. Love your girlfriend and her child and don't worry what he is or isn't doing. As long as your girl is a good Mom, thats whats most important at this point for the child.

Good luck!
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P11
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 9/24/2009 7:48 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you everyone for the replies.
 
I do see what everyone is saying and realistically its something that does not have a lot to do with me and i cant do anything about him anyway. The little one is fine and actually a lot better off now that things are a little more stable with me around and his mom.
 
I think i should have based my question more off of me because its a problem i have, its very hard for me to compute how some people can be so crappy sometimes. Not saying im an angel, but when it comes to kids and being mature you just have to man up. I feel like my mind always has to have reason, its very hard for me to just shake something off and think "well who cares", so i always look for a reason and a definition of why someone is doing what they do.
 
Seems like i just need to worry about me....

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/24/2009 4:06 PM (GMT -7)   

Good Evening,

Even though this situation may be extremely distressful, it holds an opportunity for you to learn something about yourself, the ex-boyfriend, and the situation that you have fallen into. Try to make sense out of yourself and don't become exasperated because you cannot figure out the motives and intentions of the Ex.  Keep a journal and log all your thoughts and feelings. By writing through your difficult emotions, you'll discover hidden strengths, feelings and insights. This is a golden opportunity to learn.

Usually, a dysfunctional, distorted thinking/behavior person is trying to get some sort of need fulfilled  in a destructive, dysfunctional, psychotic or neurotic way. This is most likely what is happening with the Ex.
 
I understand your "looking for the reason" feelings. 
Take care,
 
Kitt
 
 

Kitt,
Moderator: Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn
Anxiety/Panic, & Depression
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."
DX: Anxiety, Depression, Osteoarthritis, GERD, Raynaud's syndrome, Skin Cancer and  IBS

Not a mental health professional of any kind

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