My Story-Can anyone relate?

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Pokiok
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 10/6/2009 10:44 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone..I've been reading the forum for a couple of weeks and it seems great. Anyway, I wanted to lay out my store to see if anyone can relate.

There are many facets to my story but I'll list them in chronological order:

-When I was 6, my mom died in a car accident. I didn't know my dad so I lived with my godparents (whom I loved dearly!)
-Somewhere between 6 and maybe 9, I was watching a television show where someone had a heart attack and since that day I can't get rid of my fear of having a heart attack. I can literally, still see the show in my head and it's been a constant fear since then.
-I spent the rest of my childhood/adolescence with my godparents who were considerably older (in their 50's) and was constantly afraid they were going to die and I would be left alone
- I manage to have them both til I was 25, where they both died 3 months apart.
-Fast forward to me having my daughter 2 years ago. I'm 35 now and my biggest fear is leaving her.

So here I am. I feel like I'm constantly worrying about my health, my heart in particular. I am so very very afraid that something will happen to me and I will leave her. I am married to a wonderful man so I know that she won't be left alone but I just wonder if losing people the way I did throughout my life contributes to my anxiety and I don't want her to feel how I feel.

I've had all sorts of tests done, holter monitor, stress test, ekg, yet I can't get my mind away from having a heart problem. I'm afraid to exercise because I hate feeling my heart beating fast. I know I need to exercise but the fear takes over. I hate planning things even a day or two in advance because I'm afraid I'll jinx myself and not be around for it.

Ok, so that's the basic story. It could go so much more in depth than that but I'd hate to bore anyone! Any words of encouragement or understanding would be greatly appreciated. Am I crazy? No, I don't think so but some days I sure do feel like it!

addie2629
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 86
   Posted 10/6/2009 11:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello and WELCOME to the forum...there are many supportive people here. Hope you will find comfort in reading their stories as I have!
I would like to say that I can definitely relate to your story.  I wasn't diagnosed with panic disorder until my 20's but looking back on my childhood, the signs were there, even the events that have caused my health anxiety.  When I was 7, my grandmother died in a car accident, a really bad one that caught fire; my grandfather was sick on dialysis from the time I was born and passed away during my first year in college.  My parents always were fighting growing up and I remember being terrified I might lose one of them.  My other grandmother died unexpectedly in her late 60's and my other grandfather died from cancer in his late 60s.
I have always had this tremendous fear that something horrible was wrong with me or I would be diagnosed with some rare disease. I too have had many many tests and all normal & I am healthy but when the thoughts begin, I become obsessed and scared! I too am 35 and have a daughter where I have worried I won't be there for her; she is 19months old. You can not let the thoughts consume you. Its hard at times but can be manageable. I find pure joy in being with my daughter and have a harder time when I am away; I think its somewhat normal to worry but most people I talk to divert their anxiety from themselves onto there child, worrying something might happen to them.  Anxiety is a very powerful and scary thing but normal. Mind over matter remember!
Are you on any meds?? or seen a therapist?  I went to a psychotherapist in conjunction with starting meds. I wanted to learn about anxiety and cognitive behavioral therapy before just taking a med to relieve symptoms. Each person is different and requires individual treatments.
Sorry for the ramble!  :)   Hope you feel better!   Hang in there and No, you are NOT crazy!!
 
 

vestabula
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 2855
   Posted 10/6/2009 12:48 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi, and welcome!  I think so many of us can relate to your story.  When I was in the 2nd grade, the teacher put a ball of mercury on her desk and each one of us marched up one at a time to examine it...we cut it in half and watched it roll around.  This was many many years ago and no teacher would do this nowadays.  Anyway, after we had all played with this poison, she says "You have to make sure you never get this in a cut or sore, as it can make you very sick."  I looked down at a hangnail I had and went ballistic.  My mother had to come and get me.  That is the first attack of health anxiety I can remember and it continued over the years.  I became aware of every strange bodily function and obsessed about it.  Then computers came along and I Googled until I had everything but my coffen picked out.  No more Mr. Google for me.  Always the worst case scenerio pops up first.

You are not going crazy.  I suggest some kind of therapy that helps you understand that anxiety symptoms are uncomfortable and distressing but not dangerous.  Many of us have a fear of abandonment.  My father threatened to leave my mother once a week for his enitire life and they were married for more than 50 years...it is scary, especially as a child.

Peace, and you have come to a great place for support.

Donna


fibro, menieres disease, RLS, anxiety disorder, disc compression, scoliosis, spinal stenosis TMJ  Meds: Lexapro and valium

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