At the end of my rope

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hw_chelsi
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 150
   Posted 2/28/2010 1:28 PM (GMT -7)   
I am at the end of my rope.  I feel I no longer know how to cope.  I have anxiety, depression and adhd. 
 
I have been at my job for 3 years now.  I love my job and what I do, but right now I feel the whole world is closing in on me.  I no longer feel like I am my own person. 
 
My dad, who is 81 has mild dementia, along with heart problems.  My sister, God love her, just moved back home for a job and is living with him. 
 
Dealing with my dad and my job has become overwhelming.  The job I have, fell into my lap 3 yrs ago.  I manage an apartment complex.  I knew one of my bosses for several years prior to getting this job.  When I first started, I could do no wrong.  Now it seems that I can do no right.  My hours are noon-6 during the week and noon-3 on Saturday's.  It is about a 20-30 min. drive from my dads house.  I come in on weekends after I get off work on Saturday's and sometimes during the week, although I will not have to so much, now that my sister is here. 
 
My other issue I am struggleing with is with my bosses.  I love them dearly as friends, but they (esp. him) have become more and more controlling of my life.  This past week I thought I was going to have to leave work to take my dad to the ER, but it turned out I did not need to.  My boss happened to be out there that day.  Before he left he informed me that I was to be on the property 24/7 unless there was a real emergency with my dad.  He also said that if it were not for my dad, I would not be allowed to come in on weekends.  Of course he has no say in my personal life and my off hours.  I realize I did sign a contract stating I would reside on property.  However, I do need to get away at times.  Tenants who have problems when the office is closed can call maintenance when they need to in an emergency. 
 
My other boss, she tries to tell me everything I need to do in my personal life.  For example, she said someone needs to be with my dad during the day.  No, he does just fine for the most part.  He still drives, does his own cooking, goes places ect.  I feel like what my dad does or does not need is a family issue.  I appreciate the concern, but it isn't just that they make suggestions, but they actually tell me what needs to be done.  Their ideas and mine are usually different, which is okay.  I feel trapped because my sister and I make decisions and they want to run our lives.  Another issue is that I do not have dental ins.  Went to my dentist a yr. ago for a cleaning and was told of all this work I needed to have done.  Am talking about 8k worth of work.  She told me to go her dentist, which I did, for a second opinion.  She said they were going to pay for my dental work, which was very much apreciated.  I had 3 crowns put on last spring and they are paying on the bill monthly.  Recently I knocked a front tooth loose so went to her dentist and was told I needed either a bridge with 3 crowns or an implant.  Since they are paying, I had the dentist talk to her first.  She then said that it was going to be a large chunk of change.  I called my friends dentist at the dental school but he has not been able to get me in.  To go thru the dental school, you have to be put on a waiting list which is about 6 mo. just to be seen.  So, I decided maybe I should go thru her dentist and have him bill them for 1/2 and I would pay one half.  I e-mailed her and she said to discuss it with her husband.  I do not want to get into a discussion with him.  I don't feel I need to.  They said they were going to pay for my dental and he has not said a word to me about the first dental bill of about 3k, and when my tooth got knocked loose and I went to the dentist and told what needed to be done I offered to go to the dental school and pay for it my self but since the tooth came loose again, I suggested I pay 1/2 the bill at her dentist.  I felt that was fair.  I would have gone to the dental school in the very begining but she wanted me to go to her dentist and said they would pay for it.  In the begining, I never expected them to offer to pay.  I am so stressed out right now.  I sent her an e-mail this morning telling her I did not want to get into it so I would call the dental school again and get on the waiting list.  Please don't think I am not grateful because I am.  They have done alot for me.  They consider me family.  I am just not the type of person who wants to have to owe anyone.  I need to be my own person.  I am human.  I make mistakes.  I just do not need to be yelled at all the time.  I do not like the feeling that I have to tell them everything that goes on in my personal life.  Maybe I am too honest sometimes.  Yet I do not feel I can say...hey, please back off and let me handle this or whatever.  I am not a strong person.  Sometimes, I feel that maybe they have done all they have for me, in order to control my life.  I don't want to feel that way.  I just no longer know what way to turn anymore.  I do not like being told that I cannot come in to see my dad whenever I wish.  He makes me feel like my family is not important, only what he wants is.
 
Thanks for listening to me.
 
Edit:  I tried to break down you post into paragraphs that would be easier to read.............    :)

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 2/28/2010 6:03:04 PM (GMT-7)


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 2/28/2010 6:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello and I remember some of your issues from a while back. I read your post and see a common thread throughout. You are trying to please the world and it just does not work.


You should have a job description that states exactly what your job duties are as well as what hours you are expected to be available for your work. I don't see that this is the case for you and as long as the lines are unclear it is impossible for you to know what is expected of you.



Also you mentioned that you have more then one boss and " I love them dearly as friends". Often trying to be friends with your boss is not always a good idea. It is hard to know when you are a friend and when you are the employee. Also having been a boss for many years myself I feel your immediate boss should know this puts you in a difficult position trying to be your good friend and boss. You are having many conflicting emotions and that may be the cause of your increased anxiety and feelings of being overwhelmed.



Do sit down and try to write out your issues for yourself. Once you have identified each problem, try to find a way to resolve the issue. Sometimes change is necessary to make things better.



I wish you the very best and know we are here, we care and stay strong.



Gentle Hugs,



Kitt

hw_chelsi
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 150
   Posted 2/28/2010 7:24 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Kitt,

Thank you for some suggestions.  You are right.  I have always been one to try to please everyone.  The situation with my bosses is a bit different.  I met her in 2005 when I went back to school to get a 2 year degree.  She was my professor for one of my classes.  We stayed in touch and I even took 2 of the other classes she taught.  I lost my job July 2005.  Dec. 2006 she asked if I would like to help out at the complex.  I had no idea they owned an apt. complex.  It was just a temp. deal as the manager was ill and she finally left the positon and it fell in my lap.

I signed a contract but cannot locate it.  I had it in one place but I must have checked something in it at one point and put it down somewhere.  None of the problems were issues before.  They knew I was coming in on weekends and sometimes during the week.  I admit that I did spend most of June thru November at my dads due to him being in the hospital at least 4 or 5 times.  Someone had to stay here to take care of his dog.  Now with my sister here I will not need to spend so much time here except when he would be in the hospital, and that is because I would be able to go see him in the mornings before work and after work.  However being required to be on property 24/7 is unrealistic.  I do not get paid nearly what I would need to be makeing being on call 24/7.  He is also telling me that I cannot make dr. appts. Monday mornings because we now have meetings.  You are right, there needs to be a clear line between our friendship and being an employee.  My therapist says that when I close the door at the end of the day, I need to forget about the job.  Everyone else does.  I really like the idea of writing down my issues and working on a solution for them.

Chelsi


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 3/1/2010 8:43 AM (GMT -7)   
Chelsi,

You are so right, it is impossible for any one person to be available 24/7 and great advice from your therapist. I am going to take to heart her words "when you close the door at the end of the day, you need to forget about the job". Love how she phrased that and I know I am guilty of carrying over my job to home.

Perhaps you could ask your boss for a copy of your contract as it should be available for you to read and have a new copy if you are not able to locate your copy. Your boss should have the original.

Glad to hear your going to work on writing down your problems and work through them one at a time. Remember you are a good person and sometimes life just likes to toss lemons at us !

Lots of hugs and support,

Kitt
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