Hello my name is LeeAnn..I feel a little strange talking about this problem in particular, especially to strangers. But do to the fact that I have no ins cov for mental health and I am really struggling with my mental health I am hoping that somehow I might find some sort of release..I guess tonight is a turning point because I can no longer deny that this problem is growing. I am a manic depressant, with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and a Panic Disorder as well but as long as nothing traumatic happens I manage and have been off of those treatment medications for about a year and a half until a few months ago..My insomnia was pretty much the only thing besides my chronic pain that I had be having to be on medications for. I know that saying all that automaticaly makes me sound foolish, well in my mind it does anymore. I feel as though I am some sort of freek for being .30 years old and being on disability, and being messed but generally I do a pretty good job of keeping it togther the best that I possibly can..In 2006 thru 2008 I lost family and had a series of tragic events, but then in 2009 I met the most wonderful man and fell in love again. Suddenly life was bearable and even the bad things weren't so bad because with him by my side I can and now with my two children and his three this great family and us well we could make it through anything..I wondered how I ever lived life this long and never met this beautiful person.
Sadly, this Christmas something changed in my house that changed me for the worse. On Christmas morning my grandma who was 88 came out to watch my children open their gifts and for some strange reason I had this feeling that she was going to die soon. I know it sounds completely crazy, but she had been going downhill and hadn't eaten in days. She was hallucinating almost constantly and I had been taking care of her on and off for the last ten years not to mention I have lived with her on and off my entire life. Within days she was awake all night screaming and hallucinating, her brain was actively degenerating. I promised her that I would be the one to take car of her I would not send her away. At the time though I was going to school full time and I was one of a handfull of hundreds of students that was handchosen to be allowed to receieve a grant since I had to drop out because of the deaths that happened when I was going to school a couple of years previously. I couldn't quit, yet I was only sleeping two hours a day. Sometimes I found myself wishing that it would just hurry up and happen because watching her suffer was so awful and I was getting so tired. Finally it was strongly suggested for her to go to a rest for five days by one of the Hospice workers that was there helping me to give her a bath because I looked so exaughsted and I truly was. After a few days she started to decline quickly, I was trying to rush and get her room ready to prepare it as though it was a hospital room but I was told she did not have time to live. I spent every moment that I could with her. Most of the time she wasn't even awake so I would lie next to her and just hold her hand and reassure her that she was not alone and I would be there to the end. I even stayed a whole week and didn't go to school because they told me she would pass but she hung on until Feb 3.
I kept my promise and I held her hand until she took her last breath which was the hardest thing to hear and see and I have seen felt and heard things that would make the average person sick or cry thoughout my life as apart of it. So now I have this memory in my head digging at me along with this guilt that there was something that I could have done differently even though everyone tells me there its not my fault ladeeda..That doesn't make it go away, and it doesn't take the sound and the scene out of my head. It doesn't fill in holes in my heart from losing my Dad and now my Gradma who was my second mom just 3 years apart.
So the if there is anybody out there that can help understand any of this. Or why I have some crazy obsessive problems that are happening and are getting worse now, why my depression is getting worse when I have the most wonderful man whom I question his whereabouts and goingons to the point that he is ready to leave and my anxiety is throught the roof..And I can't get control over it like I usually can do..I just don't know what else to do at this point which is why im praying that somewhere out there someone has some kind of answers or suggestions because my 20 years of couseling is not helping nor is the stupid meds..Again I apologize for my lengthy entry..
I will find a way or make one. –Phillip Sidney 1554-1586
All that I am and all that I shall ever be, I owe to my Angel Mother.
The Bucket List- Have you found joy in your life? Has your life brought joy to others?
Make sure your suffering has meaning…