Aching Heart new to the group long strory but its a long strory

Whats your opinion?? Please nothing rude or mean
You should jump off a bridge. - 0.0%
It's going to get worse. - 0.0%
I should be worried. - 0.0%
Things will get better. - 75.0%
I should show this post to my fiance so he knows how I feel truly. - 25.0%

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New Member

Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 3/21/2010 12:39 AM (GMT -6)   

Hello my name is LeeAnn..I feel a little strange talking about this problem in particular, especially to strangers. But do to the fact that I have no ins cov for mental health and I am really struggling with my mental health I am hoping that somehow I might find some sort of release..I guess tonight is a turning point because I can no longer deny that this problem is growing. I am a manic depressant, with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and a Panic Disorder as well but as long as nothing traumatic happens I manage and have been off of those treatment medications for about a year and a half until a few months ago..My insomnia was pretty much the only thing besides my chronic pain that I had be having to be on medications for. I know that saying all that automaticaly makes me sound foolish, well in my mind it does anymore. I feel as though I am some sort of freek for being .30 years old and being on disability, and being messed but generally I do a pretty good job of keeping it togther the best that I possibly can..In 2006 thru 2008 I lost family and had a series of tragic events, but then in 2009 I met the most wonderful man and fell in love again. Suddenly life was bearable and even the bad things weren't so bad because with him by my side I can and now with my two children and his three this great family and us well we could make it through anything..I wondered how I ever lived life this long and never met this beautiful person.

Sadly, this Christmas something changed in my house that changed me for the worse. On Christmas morning my grandma who was 88 came out to watch my children open their gifts and for some strange reason I had this feeling that she was going to die soon. I know it sounds completely crazy, but she had been going downhill and hadn't eaten in days. She was hallucinating almost constantly and I had been taking care of her on and off for the last ten years not to mention I have lived with her on and off my entire life. Within days she was awake all night screaming and hallucinating, her brain was actively degenerating. I promised her that I would be the one to take car of her I would not send her away. At the time though I was going to school full time and I was one of a handfull of hundreds of students that was handchosen to be allowed to receieve a grant since I had to drop out because of the deaths that happened when I was going to school a couple of years previously. I couldn't quit, yet I was only sleeping two hours a day. Sometimes I found myself wishing that it would just hurry up and happen because watching her suffer was so awful and I was getting so tired. Finally it was strongly suggested for her to go to a rest  for five days by one of the Hospice workers that was there helping me to give her a bath because I looked so exaughsted and I truly was. After a few days she started to decline quickly, I was trying to rush and get her room ready to prepare it as though it was a hospital room but I was told she did not have time to live. I spent every moment that I could with her. Most of the time she wasn't even awake so I would lie next to her and just hold her hand and reassure her that she was not alone and I would be there to the end. I even stayed a whole week and didn't go to school because they told me she would pass but she hung on until Feb 3.

I kept my promise and I held her hand until she took her last breath which was the hardest thing to hear and see and I have seen felt and heard things that would make the average person sick or cry thoughout my life as apart of it. So now I have this memory in my head digging at me along with this guilt that there was something that I could have done differently even though everyone tells me there its not my fault ladeeda..That doesn't make it go away, and it doesn't take the sound and the scene out of my head. It doesn't fill in holes in my heart from losing my Dad and now my Gradma who was my second mom just 3 years apart. 

So the if there is anybody out there that can help understand any of this. Or why I have some crazy obsessive problems that are happening and are getting worse now, why my depression is getting worse when I have the most wonderful man whom I question his whereabouts and goingons to the point that he is ready to leave and my anxiety is throught the roof..And I can't get control over it like I usually can do..I just don't know what else to do at this point which is why im praying that somewhere out there someone has some kind of answers or suggestions because my 20 years of couseling is not helping nor is the stupid meds..Again I apologize for my lengthy entry..


Forum Moderator

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 3/21/2010 8:54 AM (GMT -6)   

Hello and welcome to HealingWell. I am sorry to hear of your history of problems and after re-reading your post it feels to me like your best source to help you woud be seeing a therapist. A professional who deals in PTSD and the grieving process would be a good choice. We are here as your peer support group and we can empathize with what you are going through.

From what you wrote it appears you are being really hard on youself so please don't beat yourself up as you did the best you could for your Grandma. ((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))

I did not take your survey as I feel the answers are always limited. I do believe talking with your husband is something you should always be doing if you have a good relationship.

Stick with us and know we care,


Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 14995
   Posted 3/21/2010 11:00 AM (GMT -6)   
I lost my Mom in January 2009. We had to finally make the decision to remove her from life support. It was a very difficult time for me and even over a year later I still grieve for her. I kept worrying that the morphine that they gave her to make her comfortable and that I authorized had caused her to OD and die and not from her advanced age and poor health. But thru conversations with my sisters and brothers, and leaning on my family, they helped me to remember that my Mom couldn't have survived off life support, and that was not how she wanted to live life. You loss is VERY fresh and what you are feeling is normal grief in my opinion. Don't fight it so hard, cry and miss her, but also remember that Gma is no longer suffering and is finally in peace. And that you made her last moments precious by loving her until the last moment. My Mom was only 4 years younger than your grandma, but one thing I am convinced of, my Mom and your Gma lived very long and fruitful lives. I agree with Stkitt, I think you need to talk to your therapist about your feelings. Feelings though that I feel are just normal parts of grieving. God Bless you and I am so sorry to hear of your losses. Hugs!
Gail*Nanners* Co-Moderator for Crohns Disease & Anxiety/Panic
Crohn's Disease for over 34 years. Currently on Asacol, Prilosec, Estrace, Prinivil, Diltiazem, Percoset prn for pain, Zofran, Phenergan, Probiotics, Calcium, Vit D, and Xanax prn. Resections in 2002 & 2005. Also diagnosed w/ Fibromyalgia, Osteoarthritis, & Anxiety. Currently my Crohns is in remission, but my joints are going crazy!
*Every tomorrow has two handles.  We can take hold of it by the handle of anxiety, or by the handle of faith"*

Elite Member

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 3/21/2010 12:52 PM (GMT -6)   
I lost both my parents within 2 yrs of esch other and my hubby left as well ..i hv lost a son in the past and i still feel the pain of all of this..i was geriatric nurse so i thought i could handle mom n dad going better than i did..i was totally wrong....i ended up in hospital from overlaod on brain seizures malnutrition ect...was on life support they did not think i would pull thru but i did and i am getting better each day ..i hv a doc i can be openly honest with about everything and that helps as well as therapy ...i can feel your pain and i hope you know now you are no longer alone..huggles..lyn
Long Time Member of da Family

Crohns..Fibromyalgia,,Neuropathy...Deaf...Seizures Pyoderma gangrenosum

Co mod for Crohns...Anxiety/Panic and Alzheimers


Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 3/21/2010 9:20 PM (GMT -6)   
One of the best things someone asked me after my folks died after hearing me worry about the same thing, was would they say about it (this person knew my folks pretty well)... and well my folks would have said "you did the best you could under the circumstances and that is all one can ever really ask for."
Forum Co-moderator - Crohn's Disease/Thyroid Disorders:_All comments have the caveat contact your local health care provider.

I will find a way or make one. –Phillip Sidney 1554-1586

All that I am and all that I shall ever be, I owe to my Angel Mother.

The Bucket List- Have you found joy in your life?  Has your life brought joy to others?

Make sure your suffering has meaning…

Elite Member

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 3/22/2010 7:23 AM (GMT -6)   
AMEN to that Navy....Very true...huggles..lyn
Long Time Member of da Family

Crohns..Fibromyalgia,,Neuropathy...Deaf...Seizures Pyoderma gangrenosum

Co mod for Crohns...Anxiety/Panic and Alzheimers


Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 2854
   Posted 3/22/2010 7:34 AM (GMT -6)   
I too lost my grandmother, mother, father and younger brother all within three years.  After lung surgery, my mom went into congestive heart failure and on one of her lucid days, she asked me to please not put her on the Death Machine like we had to do with my father....that meaning the final morphine drip.  I promised her I wouldn't never dreaming it would come to that.
When the doctor finally told me she was terminal and suffering, I had to break my promise.  I left the room while they wheeled the drip in, feeling the worst guilt and agony that you could ever imagine.  She died before they could start the drip, but to this day I still think about how I broke my promise even though it was the most compassionate decision I could make....and even though she passed on her own.   I went into therapy for 18 months after that ordeal, and it was very helpful.  I know you don't have insurance but maybe you could find a minister or priest or some one else to talk to that won't charge you $100 an hour.  That's what I did, as I don't have health insurance either. 
I am so sorry for your loss and you were a wonderful, caring grand daughter.
fibro, menieres disease, RLS, anxiety disorder, disc compression, scoliosis, spinal stenosis TMJ  Meds: valium Advil

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