I am new to posting on any forums. If I remember correctly, I am supposed to tell a little about myself first.
I need to add a disclaimer that I am well-aware my current state is so bad because I have no health insurance, so no antidepressants or therapy. I am in the process of finding reduced fee doctors and therapists, but they are hard to come by.
There are so many issues, I will try not to go on too long. Let me start with the most shame-producing issue. I received my Master's degree in Counseling in December 2008, so I know what I 'should' do. I know what to tell other people, but it doesn't apply or work for me. Therefore, there is shame when my anxiety/depression is so bad that my intellectual side says, don't say that or do that, yet it feels out of my control. I also know guilt and shame are pointless and normal symptoms of anxiety/depression, but it still adds to the problem. Due to a legal issue that occured when I was 17 years old, not being exsponged like most juveniles records are, I did not begin an internship right away because I had to save $3000 for a lawyer.
While saving for a lawyer, my only brother died unexpectedly and traumatically. I know it's not in chronological order, but I should now add that I had already struggled with anxiety/depression on and off since puberty. I have therefore been to therapy and on antidepressants on and off for 14 years. At the time of his death, I was already on 300mg of Welbutrin XL and 300mg of Effexor XR, JUST TO "MAINTAIN". A few months after his death I ran out of antidepressants (since I wasn't in school anymore to get them from a cheap doctor at a reduced rate).
So I know it is still normal for me to be grieving and I will have ups and downs for a while.
I realize I am rambling, so let me sum it up and say, not having the correct dosages of meds. (I have gotten back on Effexor XR, but only 150mg, Buproprion SR 100mg for almost 3 months), not being able to afford counseling, being disconnected from my colleagues, having nothing in common with my high school friends (they are all married and most have kids), feeling like a failure by not entering my profession while still being $54,000 in debt because of it, feeling so anti-social that I only hang out with my 66 year old mother, etc., etc.,
I have never felt so alone in my whole life and I AM NOT FUNCTIONING. I could stay in bed 20 hours a day. When I go out, I have anxiety and come close to panic attacks at times. I cry and am tearful alot (but I know this is just grief). Nothing interests me or makes me happy, I find it very hard to laugh (something very important to me). I am BABYSITTING 10 HRS a week so I have a place to live, but other than that, I am not wanting to die, but I am sick of this constant sadness, racing thoughts, and anxiety.
That is me....
P.S. I am posting this in the depression section as well so I can "cover all of my bases", since there is so much overlap...