i know my story is long but please i'm really looking for help

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laynepaigebella
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 3/23/2010 5:38 PM (GMT -7)   
hii i'm 16 years old and i went to therapy for about a year...i was diagnosed with anxiety disorders and depression, but i never admitted to my counsler what i had really been through. when i was 13 in middle school i was harassed by my entire school as the 's*ut,' people threw trash at me, every time i walked into a room people would leave or say 'smelled like who**,' and there were several myspace pages and groups about my '****' behaviors. there was one guy who stood by me (So i thought, but later on i discovered he had been spreading half the rumors) i wasn't in love with him, not at all, but i felt like i needed to make him happy or else i'd be alone, i'd have to eat lunch alone or when we picked new seats no one would sit by me...i was scared of entering high school all alone and being nothing but the ****, so i continued to date him. i snuck out behind my moms back, who had know idea how tortured i had been at school, and i met him on gold courses and gave peices of my body away to him every day...then, being 13, i snuck out all alone with him at night and he started to have sex with me, i desparetly wanted to have him stop but when i tried he wouldnt give...so i just laid there until i t was over...after i begged him to walk me home and cried but he said i had nothing to be scared of and pushed me off him...calling me a stupid ***** scared of the duck noises at night...so i went home and my life has never been the same since.  and hate who i was...my family didn't understand i still could nevr tell them to this day, and i was so ashamed to tell any friend, even my own therapist...i couldnt tell her about the rape, i just couldn't. after therapy i started dating this guy, who i've been dating for over a year now, and i'm absolutely in love with him. i was completetly happy until i found out he had done some dishonorable things behind my back...and ive been paranoid and panicky ever since. i feel my anxiety consume me, and i find myself reliving the rape scene often...my boyfriend doesn't like to have sex alot, he's a good guy who doesn't want to worry about getting pregnant, but i find myself craving the sexual attention. ever since i lost my virginity ive subconciously felt like i needed the physical attention...constantly...in between being 13 and having sex and having my current boyfriend, i have had sex with 4 other people, and had physical contact with at least 15 more...i've had a hard time not needing the attention, even though i know its wrong...my boyfriend doesnt like to talk about my past and doesn't understand how bad my anxiety has gotten...sometimes after we hang out and he doesnt want to have sex, i get rages and have panic attacks where i can't breath and im so angry...then i get the sex and i feel calm and happy...it's horrible feeling like i need sex to feel better and loved...i've talked to some people who say i have a problem with male attention (my father is gone 6 days a week and i have virtually no relationship with him...) but i don't know whats wrong with me...i am so lost and hurt i just need help, anybody, any advice i really want to move on with my life and feel good again...
thank you
 
Edit per rules:  no talk of self harm in the forums. Thank you.
Kitt

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 3/24/2010 8:03:43 AM (GMT-6)


AmyTx
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 185
   Posted 3/23/2010 8:28 PM (GMT -7)   
oh honey first and foremost I want to give you a big hug.. i was bullied and ridiculed in middle school and some of high school.not for the same reasons but i was different I was short..my anxiety started very young and I have always been a nervous person.. it wasnt until after high school i went crazy thinking i needed someone to show me they loved me or i would get angry.. not necessarily sec but from companionship. your treading on dangerous grounds that could wind up getting you hurt.. my niece is 16 and selfharms. not for any reason other than its how she subdues her anxiety..she is currently on medication and doesnt ..i think its a good idea your in counseling you may also want to try a behavioral therapist.. it is someone who has helped me cope with the things that trigger my anxiety..i dont know you but i could be wrong,.. you probably feel like your current boyfriend will betray you if you dont give yourself to him..your 16 and that is a crucial age for acceptance.. you have such a strong desire to be loved and to love in return.. your yearning for male attention your missing something in your everyday life... i get it.. i truly do.. but you are 16 and as you grow older things will get much easier..im sorry your in such pain and i wish you well.. just remember you only live once and although your young the mistakes you make as a teenager could stick with you forever...


take is easy

Edit: Discussions of  self-harm that are deemed negative and therefore potentially injurious to others are not permitted.

Thank you for your understanding.

 

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 3/24/2010 8:07:40 AM (GMT-6)


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 3/24/2010 7:17 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello and welcome to HealingWell. I am so sorry to read what you have gone through and continue to go through.



You posted "i was so ashamed to tell any friend, even my own therapist..." Please do talk with your therapist as this is the one person who is there just for you. Developing a trust relationship with your therapist will serve you well.
One of the best remedies for anxiety is to talk about it. Here's where good friends and family can come in. The old adage "A problem shared is a problem halved" Coming here and talking with us was a very brave thing for you to do so please hold onto your courage and talk to your therapist.

There are all types of abuse and no one should have to suffer with any of them. Please take the chance and talk with your therapist letting out all you did here. There is hope for you to turn your life around and learn to love yourself and take care of you first.

You are a wonderful and deserving person and never let someone else abuse you. We are here for you so keep talking with us about your anxieties and fears.

Gentle Hugs,

Kitt

laynepaigebella
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 3/24/2010 4:58 PM (GMT -7)   
oh i'm sorry i wasnt sure of the regulations on here but thank you for letting me know...i appreciate the kind words they do mean alot to me...
its so weird because i feel confident about myself, like i think im attractive and i feel academically successful and i feel like i've got a good life and blessed but i find myself missing something...
to porscha thank you id love to be friends, i'm so confused with these feelings its insane...i have a few friends i trust with this issue and talk about it with but i cant get over this feeling, it seems like i was entirely content and at peace with what happened in my past until my boyfriend did somethings behind my back...he had asked other girls for naked pictures and when we were 'not supposed to see eachother,' because of getting in a little trouble with my parents...had been having this digital relationship with this girl...i tried to break up with him but he started proving himself to me...and i ended up staying by his side. but ever since it's like that triggered my depression and anxiety, like now i just can't control these awful feelings and i feel so rejected by him and down all the time...but at the same time ALL i want is to be with him and get positive attention from him, and i know and i can clearly tell myself sex isnt the answer...but i can't stop wanting it? it freaks me out a little bit being 16 and feeling like i need sex from my boyfriend, i just dont know what the answer is :/ but i am trying to take things one step at a time and move forward...i see the light and i want so badly to be in it and feel amazing again, im just so untrustworthy and craving this attention...it is soo miserable i wish i could just escape the feelings all together, but really im glad i came to healing well because i feel like somebody finally understandds this pain thank you so much
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