Needing Approval

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NightOwl33
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Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 4/10/2010 3:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Has anyone actually gone from needing others' approval to being able to stop doing it?  I wonder what some methods may be...  I know self confidence is the key, but how to get there is obviously the hard part.  And sometimes I know I accomplished something and yet even STILL I need to tell someone I accomplished it and if they aren't excited for me I then get disappointed.
 
I always hate making my own decisions also.  I ened others to reassure me on the right decisions.  Then I resent them because I take it as criticism if they don't agree with me, yet I asked them for advice....
 
So it's just a mess.  I'm smart enough to take care of myself, but something's just not clicking I guess.  I got a degree, I know I've made good decisions before, etc... so I'm not sure why I'm still needing others to approve of me.

getting by
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   Posted 4/10/2010 9:22 PM (GMT -7)   
You have to learn to trust yourself to make these decisions. And people all have different views on things. Even if somebody critisizes you, doesn't make them right. That is just their opinion.

So learn to trust in your own ways of doing things. And learn to have confidence. A self help book might be the ticket for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


janetlee
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Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1986
   Posted 4/10/2010 9:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi, NO!
At least you are able to see that you have unreasonable expectations at times! The fact that you are smart enough to see these contradictions in your thinking are really good! Everyone wants approval, even if they manage to shrug it off if they don't get it! Sometimes, the answer is that there is NO answer, at least not an answer we'd like! Give yourself credit for being conscientious of your own foibles and that you work at not being too harsh of others for not saying/doing what you want!
janet! :)
 


Howlyncat
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Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 4/11/2010 5:43 AM (GMT -7)   
I totally agree with jl on this
dont sell yourself short n do give self credit where credit is due
i did as you for too many years and i burnt out trying to be all for everyone
now
i am what i am i am a good person n friend
that is what matters imho
lyn

Nanners
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Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 14995
   Posted 4/11/2010 8:18 AM (GMT -7)   
How you ever seen a therapist? I saw one because I was kinda co dependant like that before too. Thru therapy she really helped me to trust in myself and my feelings. Good luck!
Gail*Nanners* Co-Moderator for Crohns Disease & Anxiety/Panic
Crohn's Disease for over 34 years. Currently on Asacol, Prilosec, Estrace, Prinivil, Diltiazem, Percoset prn for pain, Zofran, Phenergan, Probiotics, Calcium, Vit D, and Xanax prn. Resections in 2002 & 2005. Also diagnosed w/ Fibromyalgia, Osteoarthritis, & Anxiety. Currently my Crohns is in remission, but my joints are going crazy!
*Every tomorrow has two handles.  We can take hold of it by the handle of anxiety, or by the handle of faith"*

NightOwl33
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Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 4/11/2010 9:25 AM (GMT -7)   
yeah all therapists I went to just never helped. I went to at least 5 different ones. None ever gave me any sort of exercises to do or seemed to use CBT exactly as far as the anxiety/depression goes. And then codependency was mentioned, but they just never seemed to do much to get me to figure out how to stop it.

I know there are some reasons to be happy with myself that I've taken various steps, but after years of on and off increases in how bad I feel it's so frustrating that my mind still doesn't have my body react differently. I feel like I know how I should be thinking yet somehow I still don't feel properly and it's maddening that after years I'll still do some of the same things.

I try to figure out how to properly balance where I'm not codependant, yet not pushing away my parents or whoever else either.

Howlyncat
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Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 4/11/2010 9:28 AM (GMT -7)   
It can be very frustrating but you can learn to live differently
i was so like you that made self sick from it
now i am what i am
i help where i can
i know in my heart i am a good person
tk care lyn
..Co Moderator for Crohns...Anxiety/Panic......Alzheimers

DX..Crohns,,,A/P...Fibro...Seizures..Neuropathy...Pyoderma Gangrenosum..Deaf

I Refuse To Give Up....Others Are Worse Off Than I Am

Donate to WWW.HealingWell.com
MEDS..Lyrica..Dilatin...Pentasa...Folic acid....Ativan..,Diazapam prn..Trazadone at HS..T 4s PRN

NEVER GIVEN UP NOR IN


stkitt
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Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 4/11/2010 10:19 AM (GMT -7)   
Good Morning NO,


I understand exactly what you are talking about.


Everyone needs to hear that they are doing a good job and that they are appreciated. We feel good when someone shows us love and approval, but that can go to far. I have heard this need for approval called Approval Addiction. We have a fear of letting others down.

First of all, an addiction is something that controls people — it is something they feel they cannot live without, or something they feel driven to do in order to relieve pressure, pain, or discomfort of some kind.


Signs of Approval Addiction:

You consider yourself a people pleaser

You are overly responsible and take on the responsibilities of others

You say "yes" when you know you should say "no"

You depend on others' approval to determine your self-worth

You fear rejection or conflict

Even when you are doing well, it's not enough

If you do something that someone else doesn't approve of, you feel guilt or stress

I have most of the above and I do work with my therapist. She reminds me to ask myself what I really want to do, rather than what others would like me to do.

Be good to yourself and remember guilt is a wasted emotion. Here is a mantra I found that may work for you, “I Am Who I Am . . . Flaws and All . . . and I Am Awesome!”



Gentle Hugs,

<B>Kitt
</B>
 
<B>
 
</B>

<SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Comic Sans MS">

NightOwl33
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 4/11/2010 11:58 AM (GMT -7)   
Kitt, you know what's weird is although I do fear conflict and rejection I'ms till stubborn enough to do what I want in most cases. So many would say I'm selfish probably. i did what I wanted to do whether it made my parents mad or not. But then at times I would do thigns to please them, crave them telling me I did something good, etc... Also I really have this deal where I'm feeling bad that my mom really never hugged me much. I try to realize she's just not the type to express love as easily (other than by doing things for me which shows she loves, but I mean she doesn't express emotion sometimes) and her mother was that way too and her sister is that way etc... I get mad at MYSELF though that i don't accept my parents. I feel like even though I know I have been loved it would have made a huge difference if she had eben the type to hug.

Lyn yeah I've made myself literally sick over this several times including the current episode of it... where I had to force myself to eat. I guess one positive I need to remember is that USUALLY in the past when this all happened I lost tons of weight and so far despite losing weight I've lost much less this time. I've at least got out of bed and eaten enough to not lose too much despite this constant stress of late.

janetlee
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Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1986
   Posted 4/11/2010 9:42 PM (GMT -7)   
NO,
I wish that I had had the gumption to do things even if it made my mom mad. I never did and still don't and I'm middle-aged now! I resent her for it in many ways, but I realize that she didn't set out to make me afraid to disobey, at least, not to the extent I am!
My mom grew up with a very very very abusive mother and mostly absent father. Her mom would literally beat her and her siblings until they bled. She once took three big peach tree switches, braided them together, and whipped my mom and uncle until they were bleeding all over. Mom was probably 4 and her brother 3. She and her sibs were abused mentally and physically. Mom was able to forgive her mom because she knew that her mom had been extremely abused herself...it is often that way...a vicious cycle. Mom's mom didn't show affection much either, but my mom did show affection to me and my sister, but is not demonstrative to many others. Thankfully she didn't become an abuser like her mom. However, like her mom, she could be manipulative. Anyhow, what I'm getting at is that people often parent the way they were parented, at least to an extent. maybe your mom wasn't hugged as a child. Maybe YOU could hug her and tell HER that you love her. I hug my mom and tell her I love her. actually, I am a hugger to all my friends! :)
I truly believe in the Golden Rule: Treat others how you want to be treated. Many times, you will get the same treatment back! :) And if you don't, you'll still feel good about yourself because you did the right thing!
jl
 


NightOwl33
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 4/12/2010 8:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Recently I did hug her on several occasions since I was moving out.

Today I feel so depressed I don't know what to do. It makes me feel like giving up. I feel like I have expended so much energy mentally to try to get through things lately and I start feeling better and then suddenly I'll be really depressed and then it feels like it's hopeless.

I basically feel like I know mentally that I shouldn't feel uncomfortable around my parents. For the same reason you mentioned... my dad's dad died when my dad was 3 and my mom's mom I think was not too much different than your mom's mom.

And yet my natural instinct lately is to be scared even when around my parents even though they don't do anything other than get annoying with parenting me still. So then I get really upset that I can't even control my own feelings as i want to feel only love and yet I can't even control it and feel nervous and then I'm depressed.

And sometimes I feel depressed without knowing why. probably due to dreams I forget. And the irony is that my mom is a main reason I've even got OUT of being depressed in the past. My parents go out of their way to help me and yet I'm shaky expecting them to criticize me.

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 4/12/2010 9:31 AM (GMT -7)   
I feel sad that you feel this way i really do i think you have to dig deep what do you think is making you feel like this n why
are you on meds for depression
nothing is hopeless my friend there is always an answer work with us let us in n hopefully we can help you see the light at end of tunnel
it seems you really need approval and especially your parents
are they approachable to talk about how you are feeling
try not to waste a day w/o hugging your mom n dad
i lost both in last 2 yrs and its the worst feeling ever i miss them so much
i hope you continue to post as more of you is coming out each time and imho that is good and we can start helping with ideas
huggs
lyn

janetlee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1986
   Posted 4/12/2010 9:51 AM (GMT -7)   
NO,
Your parents are in a no-win situation with you. You don't want them to "parent" you but if they didn't, then you'd feel like they didn"t care about you. You are their son and they parent you cuz they LOVE you. You will ALWAYS be their child, no matter what age you get to be! :)
So keep reminding yourself of these things. It won't solve the question as to WHY you feel the way you do, but like I said before, sometimes there just isn't an answer....
jl
 


NightOwl33
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 4/12/2010 10:04 AM (GMT -7)   
No, Lyn. I just take klonopin for anxiety and I remember a listed side effect for that is depression so it makes it even harder to ever figure out whether the med is helping or hurting. For instance years ago I took buspar and when I decided to stop taking it I suddenly felt like something lifted off of me and I felt much better. It's always hard to tell and I wouldhate to get off of something and it end up that I eneded it. As far as antidepressants I don't trust them due to the beginning effects I had on any I tried and also always reading about people having things such as brain zaps when getting off of them. Risking effects such as those or suicidal thoughts outweighs the slight chance they could help because I would panic and never feel better at all if I had those symptoms.

janetlee, I know, but apparently me knowing it in my brain doesn't change much in how I feel. I feel like I'm wasting my time with them and at the same time as me having this apparent resentment I also miss living with them and am all panicky thinking when they ever die I would die too from sadness. And in the past a big reason i pulled out of these depressions was talking to my mom and playing basketball in the backyard. Well now I can't play basketball here unless I join the athletic club and I can only talk to my parents on the phone and they've run out of much to say because they don't know anything else to tell me and so I just keep feeling down. Doesn't help that all the therapists I went to did almost nothing for me either.

janetlee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1986
   Posted 4/12/2010 10:37 AM (GMT -7)   
NO,
You resent your parents, you love your parents, you don't want to be around your parents, you miss your parents, you don't want to talk to them, you want them to talk to you, and so on....NO, sometimes you just have to accept that there's no changing you or others can do for you . I have come to accept that my life is NOT at all what I wanted it to be. I had a number of therapists and they didn't do much for me either. However, I don't blame them because I'm the only one that can change me and even I can't figure out how to do that!! For me to change, I would've had to swallow more anxiety than I could take and do it for a loooooooooooooooooooong period of time. I would've had to hurt my mom emotionally as well, which would've made me feel bad, so any "progress" I would've made would've been worthless in my eyes. So I made a choice between "life stinks" or "life stinks worse". I have accepted it. Sure there's always going to be a part of me that cries for what should've been, but there's nothing more to be gained by me dwelling on it all the time. That's what I mean by acceptance. You'll still think about it sometimes, but you have to make up your mind to let yourself push past those thoughts to something else. I know this sucks BIG time, but it is what it is. I wish I could tell you tha there is another answer, but if there is, I've never found it.
jl

NightOwl33
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 4/12/2010 10:50 AM (GMT -7)   
Well, but accepting it means I know I will emotioanlly hurt them because if I'm feeling so nervous about them and scared about it then I'm obviously more one dge and they can even ask me a normal question and me still snap at them because I'm such a mess that I can't even talk normally to them when I'm feeling that way.

As far as therapists, I don't blame them for why I am feeling as I feel, but I think they shouldn't be making money if they don't really say or do anything. It's not that they gave me all these things to try and they didn't work, they pretty much did nothing other than me talk to them and in fact they gave me weird advice. One told me to have sex with a ******.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 4/12/2010 10:52 AM (GMT -7)   
NO,


Good Afternoon. You are not alone today as I am in the dumps, anxiety up and depression kicking in a bit. The struggle to accept my anxiety and be able to walk through it is a constant battle.



I often misread people as I am sensitive however I am working on taking things people say at face value and not reading into their comments.



I am working with my therapist on the following goals:



Building self-seteem



Dealing with conflict



Being assertive



and of course acceptance of myself for who I am.



Today is a day I feel I have let people down and I don't like myself much. I also feel like I give up to easy sometimes.



Let's work on our problems together.



Gentle Hugs,



Kitt

Howlyncat
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Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 4/12/2010 11:00 AM (GMT -7)   
That is a genuine offer of support n help reach out hun
lyn
..Co Moderator for Crohns...Anxiety/Panic......Alzheimers

DX..Crohns,,,A/P...Fibro...Seizures..Neuropathy...Pyoderma Gangrenosum..Deaf

I Refuse To Give Up....Others Are Worse Off Than I Am

Donate to WWW.HealingWell.com
MEDS..Lyrica..Dilatin...Pentasa...Folic acid....Ativan..,Diazapam prn..Trazadone at HS..T 4s PRN

NEVER GIVEN UP NOR IN


NightOwl33
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 4/12/2010 3:01 PM (GMT -7)   
Lyn have you felt much help for neuropathy? My mom has been struggling with that.

kitt sorry you're having a bad day. I just hope we get through things better as time goes by. I don't want to feel this way where it's like a constant battle. Especially when I know how good I have felt before. But it seems that everyone says it never gets better. So then it feels like there's no point trying. But some have said that some people dos top having it and the reason it's not noticed is because people are more likely to go to support sites if theys till have the problems and if anyone does stop struggling much they likely stop going to anywhere to post about it. I dunno, but I just really hope I'm not struggling still years from now because I'm sick of it already.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 4/12/2010 3:15 PM (GMT -7)   
NO,


I was first dx in 1982 and I have had long spells, years and years where I have done well with a bit of anxiety over-riding but mostly able to do all I wanted to. I have always worked and raised 4 children, seen my husband through 4 major surgeries and lost a child to a car crash.



So I have my struggles but the good far outweighs the bad. It is a disorder like others that you must learn to live with and occasionally you need to go in for an oil change or a new attitude............which is what I do. I try to be honest about my feelings without making life all about me. I will admit I have had mostly good therapists and the one that just sat and visisted did not last long as I recognized it was not helping me.



I have a long history of a verbally abusivie step-mom but I am learning to believe in who I am and not who she said I was.



So today is a not so good day for me and I shall write down my goals for what I am going to do tomorrow to make things better.



Blessings,



Kitt

NightOwl33
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Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 4/12/2010 3:25 PM (GMT -7)   
That's disappointing you've had to go through so much and you should remember how big of a deal it is that you've still got through it the best you can though! That's one thing that keeps the anxiety going strong, I think, is that any of us who have it sometimes forget what we did do a good job making it through or achieving.

I never thought I could ever move out of my parents' house and somehow I've spent every night here alone at my apartment for over 2 months now. But somehow I still kind of forget that and remember only how depressed I've been while doing it. Sigh.

Well I'm glad you've had long times of it not being as bad. That's how I've been too so I always deep down feel I'll somehow get back there. In the past I really only got this bad wehn a girl broke up with me. But the past year or two it's been because I've become bored with my life due to arguing with parents, no friends, no wife,e tc.

NightOwl33
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 4/13/2010 7:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Now I took an extra klonopin yesterday and today I feel kind of angry, it seems. That's why I say it's hard to tell if meds help or hurt because when you start thinking various ways you can't assume it's a disorder when it very well could be the meds. Meds are known to cause side effects such as agitation and anger and weird thoughts and so is depression and anxiety. Like I said before when I came off of buspar years ago I felt much better with no meds than I did on buspar as it was draining my energy and that probably increased my agitation too. This is just yet another reason I hate meds because then you can't know what's causing various things.

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 4/13/2010 12:41 PM (GMT -7)   
yes meds can cause several issues but for me i hv to take the med and get thru it n i do
i like kitt have good days n some not so good but i think to self tomorrow will be better..
lyn
..Co Moderator for Crohns...Anxiety/Panic......Alzheimers

DX..Crohns,,,A/P...Fibro...Seizures..Neuropathy...Pyoderma Gangrenosum..Deaf

I Refuse To Give Up....Others Are Worse Off Than I Am

Donate to WWW.HealingWell.com
MEDS..Lyrica..Dilatin...Pentasa...Folic acid....Ativan..,Diazapam prn..Trazadone at HS..T 4s PRN

NEVER GIVEN UP NOR IN


NightOwl33
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 4/13/2010 1:13 PM (GMT -7)   
Yeah, but as far as the med it comes down to is it helping me with anything. I'm having a lot of anxiety lately which is the only thing klonopin can even help so if I'm taking a med, still having anxiety, then being unsure if some other thigns I'm feeling are side effects or if they would be happening without the med it's hard to justify keep taking it. I definitely recall better times than the past couple years and so that makes me think it may not be helping anything to justify taking on the effects. The tough part is not knowing for sure what's causing each symptom i have lately.

My anxiety greatly increases now as I think "what if the med is causing this". Because if it truly is the problem then the emd is actually giving me more of what it's supposed to be taking away, thus no justification in even taking it.

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 4/13/2010 4:40 PM (GMT -7)   
It could be that its not the right med for you ....and you are already getting self frustrated prior to n when you take it right..basically because you dont really want to be on meds for this
also many of us are over analyzing when it comes to every ache n pain we have thats a given with many imho
i know you have come to a great place that is full of caring ppl keep posting you are being heard

as for my neuropathy it literally drives me around the bend im on lyrica but thats soooo costly almost 3 dollars a pill here
i still feel the way it goes even with meds so i am frustrated
it feels like i sat on lower legs til they went to sleep n they still havent woke up yet
this makes it so difficult to walk and basically feels like something on legs all the time
so frustrating
ty for asking
huggs
lyn
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