What To Think???

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janetlee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1986
   Posted 4/12/2010 11:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Everyone,
I could sure use some of your thoughts about the following...
I have 2 friends, a married couple I'll call "Bert and Mary" who have a young adult daughter I'll call "Missy". These three folks moved away to a Pacific island, about 5 months ago, to do missionary work, for at least a year or perhaps even somewhat longer. They are very good sweet people!
When I went through a bad relapse of GAD back in 2006, Bert was a true friend to me. He helped me so much, even paying for me to see a psychiatrist when he felt that perhaps the clinic's shrinks were not doing a good job for me (which was right!) He paid out $400 for the appointment and even met with me there since he knew this doctor. He was truly like a brother to me! I came to love him as if he really was my flesh and blood brother! I helped him with his anxiety issues quite a lot (I am a fount of knowledge when it comes to that subject! LOL!) His wife Mary is one of those people that has no clue to what it is like to be anxious and depressed. If anything, she's chronically upbeat!:-)  So she didn't understand at all when he was in low mood and why he couldn't just "get over it". She didn't like it that he took an occassional xanax either. But she isn't mean or hateful, just naive!
Anyway, I didn't know they were moving away until a month or so before they left. When I found out, I was so sad and cried a lot. Before Bert left, he literally cried on my shoulder and said he was going to miss me and that I had helped him so much. He considers me like a sister. 
Now I can get to the gist of my problem...since he's been gone, he's called once and emailed me once. Mary does the majority of the emailing and their daughter Missy forwards me and other friends info on their mission work and I love getting these, but am saddened that Bert doesn't email me. Bert and Mary share the same email address, so they both read my messages and I've actually said that I wish I could hear from my brother too sometimes! But it made no difference.
Since they've been gone, I've sent regular emails, keeping them up-to-date on the goings-ons here in town (as they'd asked me to). I've called once and talked with Mary for over an hour (Bert wasn't home). I keep their PO Box checked for them and forward any mail that comes to them. Also, I've sent "care packages" of gifts and goodies. Basically, I've been as good a friend/sister as I know how to be and it makes me so hurt that Bert seems to never think enough of me to email me or call. Am I being unrealistic in my expectations? Is this the way guys are? He's busy of course, but it's like he's forgotten his kindred spirit. I truly feel so abandoned. He was the one of the few people I felt really comfortable talking to about most anything that troubled me. Since he's left, it's almost as sad to me as when my dear Dad died. What do you suppose I've done wrong?
janetlee
 


Another Day
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 1055
   Posted 4/13/2010 10:09 AM (GMT -7)   
My dear friend StKitt/Mary called me and asked me to post here that she has had to order a router. It will take about eight days to get it, so she will not be able to post until then.

Thanks!

Carla Bohannon
Epilepsy, asthma, fibromyalgia, GERD, depression, hypothyroidism, tinnitus


Another Day
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 1055
   Posted 4/13/2010 10:17 AM (GMT -7)   
Janet,
 
I never expected to find you here when I made this post for Kitt.  I have really missed you!
 
I am sorry you are in pain over your friend.  I think I would just straight out ask if you have done something to offend him.  What do you have to lose since you are not hearing from him any way?
 
I am so glad that for awhile you had that family in your life.  They were just what you needed.  I am so sorry they moved away.  I would imagine that has been very hard on you.
 
Would you mind if I email you some time?
 
Love you!
 
Carla

Epilepsy, asthma, fibromyalgia, GERD, depression, hypothyroidism, tinnitus


janetlee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1986
   Posted 4/13/2010 10:38 AM (GMT -7)   

Carla! How good to hear from you!

Email me anytime!!!smile smilewinkgrin

jl


 


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 4/15/2010 9:25 AM (GMT -7)   
Oh my, I have had a bad 3 days and my router finally arrived today. I ordered it over night express, well that did not happen. But it is back online and I am finally connected.


Thanks Carla for posting the message as I did not know how to get a message to the group. I even went to my daughter's to try my laptop using her wireless but it would not let me connect.



Dear JL,



I do not think you have done anything wrong but I am wondering if perhaps your friend/brother is coping with losing your friendship by letting go as he finds it to painful to try to keep up the long distance relationship. Sad to say people come and go in our lives and many of those people we come to love dearly but for whatever reason they leave us and it is not because we have necessarily done anything wrong.



Don't beat yourself up, you have done nothing wrong . May I suggest you let go a little bit at a time. I know this is heartbreaking for you but I hate to see you feeling hurt and confused.



You know I have your back and glad to see Carla and you connected.



I wish you peace,



Kitt

janetlee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1986
   Posted 4/15/2010 10:28 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi, Kitt!
good to see you back online! :-)

I haven't emailed Bert and Mary in nearly 2 weeks. It is hard, as I think of him everyday and wish I could ask him some stuff like we used to discuss. It is very hard...like someone dying almost. At least when someone passes away, you realize you can't make things how they were, but when the person is still there, it's difficult to accept it...does that make sense? shakehead

Oh well, I'm depressed about this and other things. I can't seem to shake it. My sleep apnea is making me miserable physically and my blood sugar is affected by stress and my mom is coping with asthma with no doctor's care and I'm trying to pick up the slack and so on and so on and I feel like rolling into a ball and never stop screaming. But I act all normal, day-by-day, never letting go as to how I truly feel. One elderly friend of mine told me a couple of weeks ago that I'm the "happiest person she knows"! shocked It goes to show that I coulda put Bette Davis to shame! yeah

Love you Kitt! You and Lyn are so amazing to me!

jl

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 4/15/2010 12:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Janet,


I know exactly what you mean..................I should have received an "Oscar" for my acting. I worked for 26 years side by side with my peers and no one ever knew I had major depressive disorder and anxiety. I was the "life of the party" Yet I felt like my theme song should have been "The Tears of a Clown"



I had mini melt downs where I let off a bit of pressure according to my physician which allowed me to keep on going. Of course the pot was bound to boil over which it did in 2005 and now I still work at trying to pick up the pieces on those not so good days.



You have lost a dear friend and whether it is due to a death or separation due to your friend's moving and withdrawing, you are grieving. Let the tears fall and know it will take time. Don't put a time limit on your grief. Just let it happen. You are in pain and I understand how you feel. Give yourself permission to miss him, you invested a lot in the relationship.



Remember to love yourself as you are a special lady and you have "Betty Davis" eyes. idea



Let us help you through the tough days and we will celebrate the good days too.



Love and hugs,



Kitt

paniccu
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1009
   Posted 4/16/2010 7:00 AM (GMT -7)   
I could be way off base, but I think that he's not emailing you personally because either he or his wife feels uncomfortable with it. I know you said that they are a very sweet couple, but even sweet people in secure relationships can feel a little jealous and insecure sometimes. His wife may have told him that she's not comfortable with him emailing, you personally,  but that she will include you in family emails. It doesn't mean she doesn't like you or trust her husband, but it happens. Or, maybe he just isn't the email type. Some people are better at communicating in person or over the phone. I am sorry that you are going through this. It is depressing when you can't be in touch with someone you are close to.

janetlee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1986
   Posted 4/16/2010 10:42 AM (GMT -7)   
Almost anything is possible...but I truly don't think it's jealousy on Mary's part. And honestly, if you could see what I look like and what she looks like, you'd know there's absolutely no reason on her part to be jealous. I'm not exactly the kind of gal that turns guys' heads, but Mary is attractive.
I do think that Bert is not the emailing kind because when he lived here in town, he wasn't much for it. I mostly saw him at Christian meetings and such. I guess that I had hoped that with the change in situation, he'd make an exception and do the email some. He wanted me to be sure to download Skype so I could talk via it. I did do so, but they were never online when I was. They're 15-16 hours ahead of me. I deleted Skype since I never used it.
I still believe that it wouldn't kill him to send an email with a short"hi! howzit it going? I'm good! Take care! Bye for now!" That would be better than no acknowledgment at all. :(
Well, no matter what the reason is or isn't, things are the way they are and I know I just have to accept it. It still makes me so sad I want to cry.
Thanks for everyone's comments and kind words. It means a lot!
jl

janetlee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1986
   Posted 4/16/2010 11:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Lyn,

You have a most beautiful of hearts. yeah The things that you've been through all throughout your life, right up to today, you are always concerned about helping your fellow human, instead of worrying about your own troubles. I am not as altruistic as you definitely are! You have such fortitude and forebearance!

I am so very sorry that you've lost your hearing! (I'd been meaning to tell you that!) I hope that it can be restored to you! Except for my sight, there would be nothing worse to me than losing my hearing. I love music to an extreme degree! I even think in music sometimes! LOL!

What I mean by that is that if someone says some word, phrase, or name, etc., I'm quick to think of a song with it in it! I do it all the time! tongue I have to be careful or I'd probably get very annoying!

When I think of you, I think of the song "You are so beautiful to me". Because although I don't know what you look like physically, your heart is more sparkling than any diamond on earth! You really shine. I promise!

jl

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 4/16/2010 2:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Good Afternoon,


I am sorry to be late today but I have been struggling and right now I am in tears every day and sort of housebound from fear of going out and breaking down in public. It was 1 year on 4/2/09 that my brother was found dead and on 4/30/09 last year my sister died. I am now truly an orphan................no parents and no siblings left so I count deeply on my husband and my children. My hubby is recovering from major surgery (16 days in the hospital) and needs me to be ok right now so I hide it from him as much as possible. Those tears of a clown. cry



Now enough about my issues, I will find strength to keep on moving forward.



You are absolutely right, your friend could take a few minutes and send you an email even if it is just a short one. I am sure Bert must have some idea that you are feeling sad now that they have moved away.



As for competing with his wife, I am sure Bert sees you as a beautiful person with a loving heart and physical looks have not factored into the picture. It sounds to me like he loved you as a friend and the two of you had a good friendship so send an email just to him instead of the family letting him know you miss him and it would make you feel happy to hear a word or two directly from him, your honary brother, once in a while.



And JL, let out the tears, don't keep them bottled up inside only to boil over like I do so well. You are entitiled to your feelings and let no one ever tell you different. You are entitled to be loved so let it happen again.



"When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed
that with the sun's love
in the spring
becomes the rose "



Gentle Hugs,



Kitt

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 4/17/2010 4:18 AM (GMT -7)   
Sweet Kitt i am so so sorry you are going thru this
you know you are loved here by so many
you give your all n then some
you helped me when i needed it

i hope you get out of this real soon my friend
wishing yr hubby all the best
huggles
lyn

janetlee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1986
   Posted 4/17/2010 10:22 PM (GMT -7)   
CSMC,
Thanks for your thoughtful response. And although most anything is possible, I truly don't feel that Bert has any romantic-type feelings for me. He is sooooooooo in love with his wife! LOL! They still hold hands after all these years of marriage! :) I do think that perhaps he loves me in a special way, because he knew that whatever he needed or wanted to talk about or ask me, I'd be honest and not be judgmental. I could talk with him the same way. Since my dad died back in 1998, I haven't had anyone of the masculine persuasion to really talk to like I could Bert. And unlike my Dad, Bert could empathize with my anxiety/depression problems. I am an "old maid", never even had a boyfriend, but I really think that I'm reading Bert correctly in this. He and I are just kindred spirits with a lot in common, much as we would if we'd been born fleshly siblings.
I don't think Mary is jealous of me. She's always been used to her husband helping people. It's part of who he is and also, Bert and I were always right out in open view whenever we spoke. All my emails can be read by her as she and he share the same email address. There's nothing secretive at all. And even if there had have been any such jealousy or such, she surely wouldn't have to worry about it now! They're on the other side of the world, probably for a long time.
Anyway, thanks for your input. I haven't emailed them in over 2 weeks now.
Thanks to my Kitt and Lyn for always being my angels!
jl
 


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 4/19/2010 8:38 AM (GMT -7)   
Kitt that song plays over n over in my head
i sooo miss being able to turn tunes up n badly sing to them
but again i do love that song
says so so much
huggs
lyn

IF theres a smile upon my face
its only there trying to fool the public
but when it comes down to fooling you well
hun now thats quite another subject
Dont let my sad expression give you the wrong impression

ya i so love that song
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