desperately need to talk to people who understand!!!!

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loulou24
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 4/19/2010 10:19 AM (GMT -7)   
I am new here, I am 24 years old and live in the UK. I was abused by my ex stap father between the age of 9-13. I never told my family and struggled by myself with depression since about the age of 14.

I found out the man who abused me had remarried and had a new step daughter in 2008 and that same day I call the police and reported him. I went through a court case last summer (he was found guilty and given 12 years). I also had to deal with telling my family last year which was one of the most stressfult hings I have ever done- although I have to say it was no definitely the thought of telling them rather than how they reacted (except my mother who sees herself as a victim all the time and doesn't seem to care even now... she says she does but her actions say otherwise)

I have had a a few destructive relationships, especially during the time of the court case (he was just interested in my money). Straight after the courtcase I started working for a friend I had known for a year. He was going through a horrible divorce and I was helping him as his secretary. We started dating and my life became about him 100%, I put all of my problems to one side to help him through his exceptionally stressful time.

I took on way too much of his problems and a month ago we had an arguement where he told me that for the last 3 months I "had been a total b****" and started screaming at me. I felt strong at first and defended myself but his constant screaming made something snap in my head and I was laying on the bed sobbing but he kept shouting. I agree now that I probably was difficult and giving him a hard time, but that was only because I was not coping at all with the situation. He kept piling all the stress on me (not realising that I couldn't cope) and I also think he was so wrapped up in his own problems that he didn't realise what was happening to me.

After the night that he screamed at me, I have been a total nervous wreck. It happened on a Friday night and for the few days after I stayed with him but I was shaking, my heart beating very fast, hot and cold sweats and not knowing what to do to help myself. I have a great family and although I don't tell them what I'm going through (I've been so used to hiding things from them that it is kinda second nature to put on a brave face). I came back to stay with them a few days later.. I have no idea


I had about a week of having bad panic attacks, and anxiety and I have struggled with anorexia in the past so as soon as I feel stressed I find it almost impossible to eat, with anything I eat going straight through me.

After a week I started to feel a bit better and my anxiety was getting much better but then I was unable to get hold of my partner for a few days (turned out work men had cut through his phone lines) and this sent me into a terrible state again. I wake up around 6 am everyday (I used to be able to sleep until 9am) and as soon as I am awake I have a panic attack that won't go away.

I have been to my doctor lots but it seems like they either don't know how to help, or they simply are not that interested! I stayed a night at my brother's house and after a night of not sleeping, ended up being taken to hospital. I am now under the care of the crisis team who have been supportive and also have been refered to a day ward at a hospital where I am going to go in the mornings to do distraction activities and some help groups.

My family are great but they cannot understand what I am going through. I have so many problems to address I feel that I am the only person who can get myself out of this, but how can I when I have no strength to keep fighting? I feel totally consumed by my constant panic attacks, and when I'm not having one, my depression makes me feel so down.

I have had diarrhoea after every meal and even though I am trying my best to eat, I still feel weak and lifeless. Being in this state makes it so difficult to remain positive and find the strength to fight. I am taking imodium but am concerned that it is not something that should be taken often, more to treat one off diarrhoea than extended bouts?

I am also taking Citralopram 20mg and have been put on diazepam 5mg twice a day as well as sleeping pills. The mornings are absolutely the worse time for me and dread them so much.

I would loe to hear from anyoen who is going though, or been through a similar thing and hear of any coping techinques, what program they found helpful (therapy etc). I am also scared that panic attacks are goign to be something I am going to get everytime I have stress in my life.

Sorry this has been such a long post, but I feel better getting it off my chest

Sending love to anyone else who is going through a hard time right now
Loulou


i edited out some of your post in accordance with rule number 2 which you had agreed to when becoming a member
not trying to be mean it is a rule for a reason set by owner/admin of this site
lyn
xx

Post Edited By Moderator (Howlyncat) : 4/19/2010 11:53:05 AM (GMT-6)


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 4/19/2010 11:08 AM (GMT -7)   
I am so so sorry you have had all this to deal with
have you talked to a therapist to help you get thru some of these issues you are dealing with
it sounds like you are making a good effort with the meds and the day program
that is a great start imho
i really think counselling would help as well or cbt which you can do online there is a great thread n link here for you to check out
my worst times are in morning too and then im fine for a bit n then off i go again
i hv dealt with tons of issues in my life and i literally had a breakdown that really hit home with me
i think coming here is going to help you thru some things too
no woman need fear a man n im glad you got out of that whole situation
please know we are here n listening
lyn keep posting

loulou24
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 4/20/2010 9:50 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks so much for your kind words, I went to the day ward and at first I was a bit lost in myself and didn't really know what to do, but it got much better and I have come home feeling so much more positive than I have in a long time. I woke up this morning at 5am and took my diazepam as I could feel the anxiety creeping in. I don't think I will take one tonight, just my sleeping pill. I am starting to feel like I can fight this, before today I felt so weak physically and mentally and I just didn't know how I would find the strength. If it weren't for the fact that my Father, step monther and Brother were so supportive, I'm sure I would have given up. Don't want to dwell too much on things right now as I'm feeling ok right now, just wanted to give you an update.
Love to everyone... keep fighting (I will)
x

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 4/20/2010 9:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Well ty for the update n i hope you will continue to post here n get support from the great memberd=s

stay positive

lyn

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 4/20/2010 11:46 AM (GMT -7)   
How are you doing n plz come back to let us give you some more input n support that is needed here imho

lyn
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