I am new here, I am 24 years old and live in the UK. I was abused by my ex stap father between the age of 9-13. I never told my family and struggled by myself with depression since about
the age of 14.
I found out the man who abused me had remarried and had a new step daughter in 2008 and that same day I call the police and reported him. I went through a court case last summer (he was found guilty and given 12 years). I also had to deal with telling my family last year which was one of the most stressfult hings I have ever done- although I have to say it was no definitely the thought of telling them rather than how they reacted (except my mother who sees herself as a victim all the time and doesn't seem to care even now... she says she does but her actions say otherwise)
I have had a a few destructive relationships, especially during the time of the court case (he was just interested in my money). Straight after the courtcase I started working for a friend I had known for a year. He was going through a horrible divorce and I was helping him as his secretary. We started dating and my life became about
him 100%, I put all of my problems to one side to help him through his exceptionally stressful time.
I took on way too much of his problems and a month ago we had an arguement where he told me that for the last 3 months I "had been a total b****" and started screaming at me. I felt strong at first and defended myself but his constant screaming made something snap in my head and I was laying on the bed sobbing but he kept shouting. I agree now that I probably was difficult and giving him a hard time, but that was only because I was not coping at all with the situation. He kept piling all the stress on me (not realising that I couldn't cope) and I also think he was so wrapped up in his own problems that he didn't realise what was happening to me.
After the night that he screamed at me, I have been a total nervous wreck. It happened on a Friday night and for the few days after I stayed with him but I was shaking, my heart beating very fast, hot and cold sweats and not knowing what to do to help myself. I have a great family and although I don't tell them what I'm going through (I've been so used to hiding things from them that it is kinda second nature to put on a brave face). I came back to stay with them a few days later.. I have no idea
I had about
a week of having bad panic attacks, and anxiety and I have struggled with anorexia in the past so as soon as I feel stressed I find it almost impossible to eat, with anything I eat going straight through me.
After a week I started to feel a bit better and my anxiety was getting much better but then I was unable to get hold of my partner for a few days (turned out work men had cut through his phone lines) and this sent me into a terrible state again. I wake up around 6 am everyday (I used to be able to sleep until 9am) and as soon as I am awake I have a panic attack that won't go away.
I have been to my doctor lots but it seems like they either don't know how to help, or they simply are not that interested! I stayed a night at my brother's house and after a night of not sleeping, ended up being taken to hospital. I am now under the care of the crisis team who have been supportive and also have been refered to a day ward at a hospital where I am going to go in the mornings to do distraction activities and some help groups.
My family are great but they cannot understand what I am going through. I have so many problems to address I feel that I am the only person who can get myself out of this, but how can I when I have no strength to keep fighting? I feel totally consumed by my constant panic attacks, and when I'm not having one, my depression makes me feel so down.
I have had diarrhoea after every meal and even though I am trying my best to eat, I still feel weak and lifeless. Being in this state makes it so difficult to remain positive and find the strength to fight. I am taking imodium but am concerned that it is not something that should be taken often, more to treat one off diarrhoea than extended bouts?
I am also taking Citralopram 20mg and have been put on diazepam 5mg twice a day as well as sleeping pills. The mornings are absolutely the worse time for me and dread them so much.
I would loe to hear from anyoen who is going though, or been through a similar thing and hear of any coping techinques, what program they found helpful (therapy etc). I am also scared that panic attacks are goign to be something I am going to get everytime I have stress in my life.
Sorry this has been such a long post, but I feel better getting it off my chest
Sending love to anyone else who is going through a hard time right now
i edited out some of your post in accordance with rule number 2 which you had agreed to when becoming a member
not trying to be mean it is a rule for a reason set by owner/admin of this site
Post Edited By Moderator (Howlyncat) : 4/19/2010 11:53:05 AM (GMT-6)