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Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 5/15/2010 4:30 PM (GMT -7)   
 Just wondering how you are doing
i got out again today just to the store but at least i did it
 
im taking baby steps
 
i feel alot better if i just go out for a lil walk
 
hoping you are doing okay
tk care
huggs
lyn
..Co Moderator for Crohns........Alzheimers.....Anxiety/Panic

DX..Crohns,,,A/P...Fibro...Seizures..Neuropathy...Pyoderma Gangrenosum..Deaf
MEDS.....LYRICA..DILANTIN.. PENTASA.. FOLIC ACID.. MTX..ATIVAN PRN..DIAZEPAM BID...TRAZADONE

DONATE TO www.Healing Well.com
LYN


Old Hippy
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 104
   Posted 5/16/2010 2:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Lyn, glad to hear that you are getting out... Some days, I simply shut down, like yesterday. I do not want to leave my apt, or go online. Can't really explain it, but the feeling is overwhelming and all-consuming. Taking baby steps is the way to go, and the key is not letting your head get in the way of progress. Like, I know that when I isolate, and give in to my anxiety/fear issues--I will continue to sink into the cerebral quicksand, and when that happens--it becomes almost impossible to pull myself out... I know that it is,<at times> easy to give someone else advice and harder to follow one's own leads. All we can do is-- be here for each other; despite our flaws & hypocrisies... I know it is hard right now with your daughter, but, I <truly believe> that things will work things out. She probably doesn't know how to deal with you. You are still in a period of mourning, losing your hearing is a major loss and adjusting to it, would be hard on any family. Will she be taking the sign language class with you? Perhaps, the more that she is involved--the less that she will feel disconnected from you. Take care... L

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 5/16/2010 6:05 PM (GMT -7)   
hi there
i know exactly what you mean about shuttin or closing self off from world i do it well

yes cait will b taking the sign with me as we really want to communicate again she said she misses her mom n i totally understand
sometimes i lock up n put the walls up n just shut down
that bothers her n honestly it bothers me
its hard when im in a room full of ppl they are all talking n laughing n i dont hv a clue what its about
it can make them uncomfortable as well im sure

im slowly finding the old me n dealling with the hearing loss im angry at the doc for not telling me the med could cause this but i am also upset with self for not checking it out
i cannot be bitter about it
another lesson learned albeit a hard one
everyday i try n find something good in the day n im doing better with that now
ty for your nice post
i appreciate yr concern
huggs
lyn

Old Hippy
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 104
   Posted 5/17/2010 2:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Lyn, Good to hear that your daughter will be involved, will help strengthen the bond that you two share... I have to say this again, thank you for making me feel like there is a place where I can express my thoughts, and feelings... where I am acknowledged & welcomed... I have lived in silence for years, and I feel like this is my final attempt at reaching out to the universe-- to see if there are kindred souls to connect with. Not to come off as a perpetual downer, but, I am tired <both physically & emotionally>. After all these years of battling my own demons, I am weathered, and in need of inspirational & compassionate folk such as yourself and everyone else who has responded to my posts... I feel blessed, and hope that I will be able to return the favor to anyone willing to give me a chance. take care & peace out...

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 5/17/2010 9:05 PM (GMT -7)   
WELL I FOR ONE AM GRATEFUL FOR YOUR SUPPORT N WISDOM
I can hear the fatigue in your posts i recognise it well
isolation n more isolation it hard on the soul
i posted in ...little things ...a thread by Sniper about an encounter i had when out hoping you read it it made me sad to see the way ppl reacted to this man
pre judging is not right imho
i think you are an asset to the forum and i thank you from my heart for the nice posts to me n others
you have friends here
know that n know if we dont see ya for a day or 2 we come looking
just so you know you mean something to us
tk care friend n keep posting
huggs
lyn

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 5/19/2010 12:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Just checking in to see if you are doing ok
told ya id come a looking lol
post n let us know plz
you are part of this family
a valuable part i might add
huggs
lyn

Old Hippy
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 104
   Posted 5/19/2010 1:34 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi, I am feeling a mixture of feelings nowadays... On one hand, I am so thankful that I have been given an opportunity to connect w/people in cyber-space, and on the other--it has been so long, that I am feeling quite vulnerable. Over the past 10 yrs, I have regressed so much when it comes to socializing & communicating with other people, that <at times>, I feel like I have to back off & take it slower--getting reaquainted with the outside world is no picnic for someone like me. I appreciate your kind words, and just know that as long as I am able to, I will keep posting... Already, the days are going by easier, and I am feeling so much better, thanks to you & all of the kindred spirits who post in this forum. peace out... L

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 5/19/2010 5:42 PM (GMT -7)   
i truly understand my friend
post when you can k
we will b here for you
huggs
lyn

Old Hippy
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 104
   Posted 5/20/2010 11:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Just wanted to say that I am glad to hear that you are getting out. From reading your posts--you have an abundance of inner-strength & enthusiasm, which will help fuel your journey with this latest challenge. I feel that you will continue to adapt successfully and lead a full & vibrant life... You have so much to give, & you are truly an inspiration to those of us--who are facing fewer obstacles in Life. I wish for you-- that all the love & support that you give out to others comes back to you < threefold>.... take care, L

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 5/20/2010 1:18 PM (GMT -7)   
YA sure can make a gal teary lol
thank you my friend
thry my years here i hv really n truly been blessed with great friends on here and off here but from the site
we are truly a famiilia ..attempt at humor..love sopranos lol

went out to grocery store today n found some very ..either rude or ignorant ppl but i kept my cool n went about my business
my lil bro was afraid i was hurt n would lash out
those days are gone im too old to play those bleeding games anymore
sometimes though things do come out of my mouth n because the nerves are still in ears i cannot tell how loud i say things ...lol
but my bro s face sure tells me
i was always very outgoing until mom dad died hubby left for another woman n i was very ill
then i became a shell of the lyn ppl really knew
i was on council at my church ran different charities
one for the bikers pigroast for monies to help sick kids ect

ya know actually i hv to say i felt sorry for self n just gave up
letting all around me think i was never coming out of it

BUT getting back to my hw family has given me renewed hope n i will forge on
you hv helped as well
thank you you are a very nice person
i enjoy your posts,,,i do hv down days too n you will see that but not like i did when all this happened
we can beat this we really can
huggs
lyn

Old Hippy
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 104
   Posted 5/20/2010 6:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Lyn, I cannot imagine how I would deal with becoming deaf. I have a hard enough time with the minimal hearing loss that I have experienced over the years... I find myself turning the tv and the radio up-- louder & louder. Sometimes, I cannot believe how loud they are, and I have to keep turning them down. I have suffered multiple losses as well, but they have been spread out; which has softened the blow... My most recent loss, was that of a friend--my one and only friend, and I have had a really hard time adjusting to it... I am not a social person & she was my connection to the outside world. To have gone through what you have, in recent years, and to still be able to retain your sense of humor, & concern for others--shows that you have the sensibility & courage to face your future such as it is. I do not know if I could say the same; if I were walking in your shoes... Regarding people that you will come across in public--who appear to be judgemental & ignorant, don't mind them. I have lived through that, whenever I was out in public with my developmentally-disabled sister and she would throw tantrums. I had to deal with the stares & comments. Unfortunately, people like that are everywhere, and it does you no good to dwell on their misbehavior, as you know, you cannot change them, you can only change yourself. take care my friend... L

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 5/20/2010 7:45 PM (GMT -7)   
VERY TRUE N I KNOW THIS BUT SOMETIMES I JUST WANNA LET THE NATIVE IN ME THROW A TOMAHAWK OR TWO LMBO.. [img]/community/emoticons/yeah.gif[/img] SERIOUSLY I have seen more with my eyes now that i cannot hear n it saddens me but i will not stoop to put ppl down for i know not what they hv gone thru
each of us hv had a journey thru hades in some shape or form
i fell apart with mom n dad
my first love was killed in car accident in 79 n that really thru me but from that i became a sober person n hv not drank since
i need to find humor in some small way to keep me going as it were
but i also need to realize that im hurting n i hv to deal with that
the isolation was literally killing me thats why i had to get out if only to store n then further each day
my daughter said she is proud of me that made me feel great but also i felt i should hv tried long ago ya know
i sat here dwelling on all the past deaths and things i never will get to say to mom or dad until i see them again
I LIKE YOU found hw at my lowest yrs ago
the ppl here took me in w/o question n gave me support that i needed
when mom n dad died they were here n for that im eternally grateful
i have many great friends here n meet new onnes such as yourself every once in awhile
i really do only give back a small portion of the concern love n support i was given n hv gotten thru my yrs here

i do understand yr reluctance to open up fully n i appreciate yr honesty about it all
know my friend you hv friends here n i for one am honored to call you friend
KNOW you do help others here n thats great
peace out...
huggles
lyn

Old Hippy
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 104
   Posted 5/21/2010 5:36 PM (GMT -7)   
thanks Lyn, :) Can I ask you what-LMBO & IMHO mean? Sorry to show my ignorance, but just had to ask.. I am new to cyber-lingo... I was reading my daughter's comments on Facebook... I am embarrassed to admit, that <unlike you and your daughter>, my daughter and I are not close and looking at her Facebook site, has given me a glimpse into the person that she has become. She is truly amazing, and I wish that I can take credit for it, but it's all her grandmother's genes & input. I was not there for her when she needed me the most, and as a result, she distances herself from me. You are lucky that you have a wonderful relationship w/ your daughter, and that your vices didn't get in the way... So, how much Native American do you have in you? I have <always> felt a connection w/ the Native American Culture, but I have 0 in me. What are your hobbies? I used to play guitar & sing, but that all went by the wayside when my depression escalated and now, I am not sure I could play a guitar w/ my arthritis... At least, there's still the radio- lol Have a nice weekend! Take care & peace out! L

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 5/22/2010 7:42 AM (GMT -7)   
lmbo..laughing my bottom off
imho...in my humble opinion
m y mom is was full Native from OSHWEKEN RESERVE in ontario


WHEN GROWING UP I HV TO ADMIT I WAS ASHAMED OF NATIVE BKGD DUE TO FACT THAT PPPL ONLY SAW THEM AS DRUNKS

we do hv now so many that hv made us a race to be proud of once again
my mom taught cait a few traditional dances n she performs at POW WOWS around the province
it truly is an awesome sight to see her in full native dress n dancing taking in the music
makes me very very proud of her embracing her heritage

i know mom watches her from above
ty for your sweet post
n tk care you
huggs
lyn

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 5/22/2010 9:38 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey Old Hippy,

I am right here and reading but you and Lyn have been having such a good conversation that I did not want to jump in.

You know you have my support as I too know so much of what you are feeling. Just never give up.
"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You, too? Thought I was the only one."~ C.S. Lewis

With kindest personal regards,

Kitt

Old Hippy
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 104
   Posted 5/22/2010 10:42 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Lyn & Kitt, I do not know if I am having a real experience w/ real people or not, but you know--it doesn't matter. All I know is that I am reaching out to the universe to say--one last time, I am here--I exist! Both of you, have given me a reason to get up in the morning and for that, I will be <eternally> grateful... I was so inspired by your posts, that I knocked on my neighbor's door, <first time, in a long time> & engaged in a conversation w/her. Normally, I try to remain under the radar, because, I live in a place which can be rowdy at times, involving swat teams & domestic violence. I live alone, and would rather not draw attention to myself. In fact, the last time, I made an attempt to relate to a neighbor--it became a rather nasty situation. Her boyfriend was beating her up and she had two small children to care for. It didn't turn out well and as a good neighbor--I felt alittle burned... Anyway, it felt good to connect with another person in the "real world", of course who can say what is "real". lol So, thanks for being <a warm place to go to>, and for brightening up my world... take care & peace out... L

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 5/22/2010 12:37 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you i know u hv made my days better n kitt is a great friend to hv as you can see
please know we r always here for you
n i love the quote kitt put up

huggs n all the best
lyn
..Co Moderator for Crohns........Alzheimers.....Anxiety/Panic

DX..Crohns,,,A/P...Fibro...Seizures..Neuropathy...Pyoderma Gangrenosum..Deaf
MEDS.....LYRICA..DILANTIN.. PENTASA.. FOLIC ACID.. MTX..ATIVAN PRN..DIAZEPAM BID...TRAZADONE

DONATE TO www.Healing Well.com
LYN


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 5/22/2010 1:19 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Old Hippy,

You have made my day too ! Just knowing you reached out to someone is such a grand thing to hear.

Over the many years I have had friends come and go in my life and sometimes it has been truly hard for me to cope with. There have been people in my life who claimed to be my best friends who turned on me and when I was married to my first husband. I went from suddenly having all these friends who had been our friends to being the outcast. We had three children and I took my children and started all over.

My ex-husband's father died of cancer at that time and the whole family said I had caused him to get lung cancer . He smoked 1-2 pack of cigarettes per day and I did not blame myself but that was one of my first tastes of knowing what it felt like to be judged by so many others.

I always want to believe that there is good in everyone but sometimes you don't always find it and the outcome is painful but I have never stopped looking for the good people.

In friendship, being accepting goes hand in hand with being loyal. A true friend rolls with the punches as you grow and change and knows how to deal with your quirks and faults.
They are also patient with you when you make mistakes -- even big ones -- and learn how to forgive you when you hurt them. In other words, they treat you as you'd like to be treated, even when you aren't at your best.

You have made some good friends here but it is important to venture out now and try those new wings. Don't worry if they don't fly you in the right direction right away as there is always tomorrow.

Stick with us, we will help you through the tough time and celebrate the good times.

Gentle Hugs and caring,

Kitt

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 5/22/2010 2:27 PM (GMT -7)   
So very true my sis in anxiety

i keep reaching for the stars but if i dont get that far lol
at least i know i hv made an attempt n thats big for me and most here
luv n huggs
lyn

Old Hippy
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 104
   Posted 5/24/2010 1:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Kitt/Lyn, Both of you sound like strong, independent, & courageous women... You have been through so much, yet, you keep trucking on with grace & dignity... My mother was like that--she raised 3 kids, and broke all the rules when it came to navigating through a professional world< normally> dominated by men. She was a fighter and championed the rights of the developmentally disabled, and anyone else, whom she felt was ignored, or mistreated by society, in general. I had a rather nasty surprise today... My daughter graduated from UCBerkeley on thurs., and I was not invited to attend. In fact, I would have embarrassed her if I did, so you see, I am reaping the seeds that I have sown, and it is breaking my heart. I cannot blame her, but, this heartache is tearing me up inside... All you young mothers--beware of how you raise your children... If you fail them, then one day, it may come back to haunt you, in ways that you will <always> regret... Thanks, for being here for me... take care, L

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 5/24/2010 5:28 AM (GMT -7)   
MY friend
i am so so bleeding sorry that this happened n even by yr own admittance something went wrong
FORGIVENESS is a word needing to b used more inho and just let those things go
its hard heck yes
but it was ever so much harded not being there with yr daughter
im thinking she is not grasping the action..reaction aspect to life yet
n im sure down the road when she has kids this jusst might surface n haunt her a bit
i truly do feel your pain friend
huggs
lyn

Old Hippy
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 104
   Posted 5/25/2010 11:33 AM (GMT -7)   
thanks Lyn, very kind of you to respond. Yes, this event comes at the end of a very long journey that my daughter & I have taken--not a pleasant one, I might add... I knew that she had graduated, but she said she wasn't going to the ceremony last week. Obviously, she changed her mind and didn't want me to know. I'm feeling much better now, have accepted my role in all of this, and know that it was <probably> for the best that I not attend. I have <always> been an embarrassment to her, and she has good reason to be. So, Life goes on, and we <hopefully> learn the lesson that was presented to us.. How have you been? How did your weekend go? I wish you the best w/ the lawsuit, cause a friend of mine tried to seek justice & the toll of it <eventually> killed her... The stress of it all-- was just too much. If you can get a positive outcome--I say go for it... Take care, & peace out... L

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 5/25/2010 12:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Old Hippy,

I am so sorry you did not get to be at your daughter's graduation. Please never feel you are an embarrasment ! You may have made mistakes along the way as we all do but you are trying your best to deal with your problems and in trying you are proving to yourself that you have true grit. Be proud of yourself.

We often do things that we pay a dear price for and when it comes to our children it is hard not to feel sad so let yourself feel and then let it go as well as you can.

Don't punish yourself for past mistakes. No situation is ever lost if we can take away from it some lessons that will help us grow and become a better person. Regardless of how negative a scenario may appear, there is always a hidden gift in the form of a lesson. Find the lesson.

You have my support and lots of special good vibes.

Kindly,

Kitt

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 5/25/2010 3:18 PM (GMT -7)   
I totally agree with what kitt said my friend
come here n be amongst yr friends
no worries of being an embarrassment for sure
you hv given some here hope with your posts n thats great
as foir lawsuit
if i feel it is taking its toll i will drop it like a hot potatoe
my mother got ill n never recovered over hers
it was a bad blood draw n it paralyed her arm
everyone is human i know
and i know just how far i can let self b taken now
i hv learnt my lesson all too well
luvs n huggs
lyn

Old Hippy
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 104
   Posted 5/26/2010 7:29 PM (GMT -7)   
thanks all... Even though it is late, I am going to send my daughter a card... I am not ready to talk to her yet, but cannot let such an important occasion pass without acknowledging it. You will never know how much all your support means to me! When my mother was dying, if I had not had the support from online folk such as yourselves --I would have entered into a black zone, and I am not sure I would have survived. So, I hold you all in my heart with gratitude and I hope to be here for you as well... Take care & peace out...
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