I'm losing my mind!

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

NeedingAnswers
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 93
   Posted 5/18/2010 8:26 AM (GMT -7)   
Okay, so this is day 9 on Zoloft.  The previous couple days had been pretty good but not so much yesterday and today.  I'm totally freaking out today over a few things that have been bothering me.  Yesterday, I helped my sister move in to her new apartment.  She is out living on her own, going to college, is in a serious relationship and she is only 20 years old.  I'm 26 living at home, quit college because I wouldn't take public speaking, and depend on my Dad for everything.  Helping her yesterday is just a reminder on how she has everything I want and right now it's looking like I'm never going to have. 
 
I finally got up the courage to call the professional counselors office yesterday and of course just got the voicemail.  I did however leave a message this time but haven't gotten a call back yet.  Gosh, I really need someone to talk to as I've spent this morning crying over completely stupid stuff.  I'm at work by the way which makes things even worse because I hate crying in front of people.  I feel horrible now because I'm upset and I just don't see how I'm ever going to get to the point where I can be happy. 
 
Also upsetting me today is the fact that I had to call the hospital to work out a payment plan on the money I owe them from the gallbladder surgery and upper endoscopy.  Making phone calls stresses me out and I was dreading that all morning. 
 
I'm getting ready to go to the beach here in a few weeks which should be exciting but no, I don't even want to go.  I'd rather stay at home by myself. 
 
You know what else, I have a really awkward and uncomfortable situation going on at work that's really upsetting me that I don't even want to talk about here or to anyone for that matter.  I completely don't know how on earth to handle it at all!  I'm really thinking of going back to the doctor tomorrow to see if he can at least up my dosage of Zoloft as I'm only taking 25mg once a day currently.  Sorry to keep rambling but I'm so frustrated and I don't know what to do.

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 5/18/2010 8:38 AM (GMT -7)   
First take a deep breath
its okay to cry it really is it shows your emotions
you hv achieved a few things alreay
you made calls you could not face ..but you did it

you finallly called the professional for help office thats a big step...im sure they will call back
your going out to beach try to have a good time n let go of some of this
keep us posted on how yr doing n if yr meds go up ...
lyn
..Co Moderator for Crohns........Alzheimers.....Anxiety/Panic

DX..Crohns,,,A/P...Fibro...Seizures..Neuropathy...Pyoderma Gangrenosum..Deaf
MEDS.....LYRICA..DILANTIN.. PENTASA.. FOLIC ACID.. MTX..ATIVAN PRN..DIAZEPAM BID...TRAZADONE

DONATE TO www.Healing Well.com
LYN


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 5/18/2010 8:46 AM (GMT -7)   
Good Morning,


Lyn has adviced you well so please do keep on believing and try not to feel guilty because you are crying. Tears are good for the soul and they do help let off some of the frustration and anxiety.



Do talk with your physician re upping your medication dose.



IMHO I think the beach will do wonders for you. Don't isolate if you can help it. You can find places away from the crowds at the beach and the break away from home may do you a world of good. If it gets to be to much then you can always go back home but give it a try.



Gentle hugs,



Kitt

NeedingAnswers
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 93
   Posted 5/18/2010 12:53 PM (GMT -7)   
It's not good to be crying at work though!  I'm not even supposed to be on the computer here but I had to get on for a few minutes.  The last few hours haven't been as bad.  I was just thinking about so many different things this morning and got totally overwhelmed.  It's upsetting me that I've been on antibiotics for 9 days and am still having ear troubles.  I do not want to go back to the doctor!  I haven't been having many symptoms of acid reflux the last few days which is good.  I wonder how much it's going to cost to talk to the counselor if she ever calls?  If she doesn't soon I'm just going to find someone else.  Every little thing seems like a huge deal to me currently.  Right now I'm at a point where I want to talk to someone.  Who knows how long that is going to last!  Hope you all have a good day!

StarLily2012
New Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 5/18/2010 2:20 PM (GMT -7)   
I think u need to up the dose of meds for a bit. Also- make yourself the center of your world. Yeah that is really hard. Things happen for a reason. I sometimes sit and do nothing and let things just happen. Just let things 'be'. It is hard for an anxious person to keep from thinking and thinking to the point of feeling out of control.  Just step away from yourself and watch life for a while. Lol- i do this and it works, so i am not just saying it w/o practicing it.  Also- i have asked my psych to up my meds- and he did- so u should get proactive and do that too. Sit back and watch life for a while till your brain calms. It seems like it is racing and racing and that definitely leads to an overwhelmed feeling. Hey-the beach would be a great idea- the sun kicks in some good hormones and makes u feel better.
 ::hug::
~C~

Post Edited (StarLily2012) : 5/18/2010 3:23:59 PM (GMT-6)


NeedingAnswers
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 93
   Posted 5/18/2010 4:18 PM (GMT -7)   

Yay, I have an appointment Thursday evening with the professional counselor!  That didn't come without a ton of stress as I missed her initial call.   Then tried to call her back and kept getting the voicemail.  I left her a message and gave her my work number then she called me back.  Got an appointment scheduled for next week but realized I got my work schedule confused.  So I had to call back again and got her voicemail.  Then she called me back and actually ended up getting it worked out where she can see me Thursday this week which is good.  All the phone calls have me totally stressed out right now and I feel like I just ran a marathon or something.  Tomorrow I have to call my insurance to get pre-autorization and call and give her the number.  Not looking forward to that at all!  Then I'll have to start freaking out about Thursday.  She asked if the Zoloft was helping and I told her I didn't think so.  She said something about maybe having him up the dosage. Guess I'll just see what she says Thursday.  I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders after finally getting an appointment scheduled.

The situation at work doesn't involve the 17 year old that's coming to work there.  It's something more bothersome in a way and made me totally uncomfortable today.  I've worked at this place since I was 18.  The owner has always joked around like pretending to flirt with me.  Granted, I joke around with him as well.  He is 71 years old, same age as my grandma.  He is not very involved in the business so I may see him once or twice a month.  Lately, actually a couple months, things have started to get awkward as he has been like rubbing my back and that type of thing.  Today, the other lady that works with me had to run out to the bank leaving me there alone with him.  Well, he was rubbing my shoulders and my back, even the lower part of my back (too low).  I didn't know what to do.  He would never do anything but I feel that his behavior is a little inappropriate.  Like I said, I joke around with him as well but I really wish he would stop touching me.  I doubt he would've done that had I not been alone with him.  He has rubbed my shoulders and the upper part of my back in front of the other people I work with.  Today just felt different and I didn't like it.  Now here is where I really don't know what to do.  He wants to take just me to a minor league baseball game with him because we are both big fans.  It would be a couple hour drive to get to where the game would be meaning a lot of alone time.  I do not want to and I am not going to go with him!  How do I tell him in a way that won't make it seem obvious that I don't want to go?  I need an excuse to get out of it.  He doesn't have definite plans in place yet so maybe it won't even happen but he was talking about it again today, he has brought it up before.  He is a nice man and like I said he wouldn't do anything...at least I don't think so.  He did make a comment about getting a hotel room but like I said he jokes with me that way.  I don't want to make him mad at me or hurt his feelings.  I really do wish he would stop with the back rubs though.  What am I going to do about this?  It is really bothering me but he is the owner at the place I work.

I was already upset today after helping my sister move yesterday.  Then after that happened, I was all to pieces.  I had to call the hospital about making payments.  I started freaking out about the counselor not calling me.  My ear hurt when I would eat.  That's another thing, I ate everything in sight and then I feel guilty and horrible about doing that.  I've lost 55 pounds since June of last year and it has been a lot of hard work.  I had always turned to food as comfort in a way.  Now, I don't do that anymore.  I ate chocolate, which is a big no no for acid reflux and it's way fattening and also ate potato chips which I never eat.  Now, like I said, I feel guilty and I regret eating those foods.  It's done now though so.

The beach trip is still several weeks away but you know the main reason I don't want to go?...You all are probably going to laugh...I don't want to leave my cat.  Yes, I am crazy cat lady.  He is an indoor/outdoor cat and I make him come in every night.  We actually have 5 cats total but he is my baby, okay.  I'm going to have to leave him outside for a week.  He loves me and is totally gonna feel like I've abandoned him.  I'm crying as I type this.  This is sad but true, sometimes he is the only thing in my life that truly makes me happy.  He is so excited to see me when I come home from work and wants to stay right with me.  I can't take him on the trip and I feel so guilty for leaving him.  He won't understand why I'm not home.  What if something happens to him?  What if I come home and he is gone?

This has been the worst day and I think I just need to go to bed.  I don't know if there is anything anyone can say or do to make me feel better right now.  The one positive is I finally do have an appoinment with the counselor.

 


Post Edited (NeedingAnswers) : 5/18/2010 5:30:57 PM (GMT-6)


NeedingAnswers
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 93
   Posted 5/18/2010 6:58 PM (GMT -7)   

Hey, anxiety twin!  So maybe I didn't go to bed.  I'm been sitting here waiting on a reply, lame I know.  The deal with the owner is so confusing and I just really need someone to talk to.  I was totally freaking out when I missed the counselors phone call because I feel like I've never needed to talk to someone in my life more than I do right now.  I don't see the owner that often so for the most part I can avoid that situation.  If I hadn't been there alone with him I don't think he would've did that which is why I will not go to the baseball game with him.  If I were to file sexual harassment charges, which I have to intention of doing, it would go nowhere.  He would just say that we've always joked around like that and it would be my word against his.  It made me very uncomfortable and that's what set me off crying this morning.  I need my job and I can't do anything to jeopardize that.  Not that he would hold it over my head or anything.  I'm just hoping that maybe he will just stop and that will be the end of it even though I know that's probably not likely.  I cannot deal with this right now!  I have too many other things going on.

In my mind if I go to the beach I'm never going to see my cat again.  To me there is no chance of going, leaving him outside, and then him being here when I come back.  More than likely he would probably be fine.  We have our neighbor coming to feed them and a friend coming by to check in on them.  My cat is such a huge stress reliever for me, you might say he is obviously not doing a good job, but he makes me feel calmer.  My Dad found him, at his workplace, when he was just a little kitten.  He had clearly had a rough life to that point as the was really skinny and had all sorts of scapes and scratches on him.  He was the sweetest little kitten though even though he had obviously been through a lot.  I'm way more attached to him than some think I should be.  I've just always loved animals.

Tomorrow I will regroup and get back on track with the diet.  I guess I just thought I could eat my troubles away today and it most definitely didn't work.  In fact, it made me feel much worse as I had to live with the guilt for the rest of the day.  I do feel really good about getting the appointment with the counselor!  Now I dread having to call to get an authorization number for her tomorrow.  That is not going to be fun.  I'm going to try to do that first thing tomorrow morning so I won't give myself the opportunity to worry about it tomorrow.

Thank you, twin!  You always make me feel better!  I value your opinion and really appreciate that you would take time to respond.  Maybe you should look in to counseling people.  I think you would be really good at it.  You deserve to be happy as well and I certainly hope we both achieve that.  Actually, what is happiness exactly?...haha!  Please tell me it really exists!  Have a good day!


StarLily2012
New Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 5/18/2010 7:37 PM (GMT -7)   
I myself have 5 sexy felines that i would absolutely DIE without- I <3 them more than ppl i swear it.
~C~

NeedingAnswers
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 93
   Posted 5/19/2010 3:50 PM (GMT -7)   
My day was decent.  Got another back rub today just for like 10 seconds though there were several other people around.  In fact, he gave a couple of them back rubs as well.  He usually only stops in once a week to bring checks and most of the time I'm off the day he is there.  Unfortunately not this week as I've seen him 2 days in a row.  You know, I really do need a new job anyway.  That's not something I'm capable of looking for now but going to that place everyday is a constant reminder of how I'm stuck in a huge rut in my life.  There is no future in working there.  It'll never pay enough for me to be able to support myself.  It's not like it's a place where there is an opportunity for advancement.  I've worked there since my senior year of high school and my Mom got me the job originally.  She used to work there before quitting 6 years ago.  Somehow I ended up staying, don't know why.  Yes, the issue of the 17 year old guy working there is still bothering me as well.  In 10 more days I'm going to have to work with him for the first time.  Not looking forward to that at all.
 
So everything is in order, got the authorization number and left her a message.  Looks like I'll be having my first visit with the counselor tomorrow.  I'm so nervous and have been freaking most of the day about it.  How can you just open up and share all the intimate details of your life with a complete stranger?  What if she thinks I'm crazy and tries to have me committed?  What if for some reason I'm unable to really talk with her?  I certainly have a hard enough time communicating with my doctor.  How does the first visit typically go?  By the way, the insurance approved 50 visits and I'll have a $40 co-pay.  Not only is all this going to be uncomfortable and awkward but it's pricey as well.
 
I actually told my Dad today that I was thinking about not going to the beach.  He said he wished I told him that before he spent all that money renting the house.  It is supposed to be my sister, her friend, and my Dad going.  I actually told him that we might have to leave my cat  inside for my sanity and that I still might not even go.  A friend of ours said she would come over a couple days while we are gone and check on him.  I just feel like he is going to think I've abandoned him and he'll be lonely and scared.  He's a cat, he probably won't even care...haha!
 
csmc3 - I'm glad what I said made you happy because it was the honest truth.  You have helped me so much already and I'm so thankful for the people like you on this site.  You all gave me the encouragement to talk to my doctor and I don't think I would've done it had you all not made me realize how important it was.  I'm stepping in to some unfamiliar territory and while I'm scared, I think just maybe things are going to be okay.  Why?...because my twin says so!...Haha!  How are you doing?  Hope you had an excellent day!

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 5/19/2010 4:40 PM (GMT -7)   
Good Evening,


Tommorow you will be talking with a professional so please do not get caught up in the "what if's?" You are not crazy and this person is not going to think you are crazy. You need help in working through your problems and that is what your therapist will do for you. The first visit is usually a lot of intake questions that you will be asked so just don't hesitate to answer them truthfully and speak from your feelings. No one here is crazy, we are just people who have anxiety. If we did not have anxiety and other mental health issues there would be no need for counselors so think of it as you providing a job for this person. [img]/community/emoticons/turn.gif[/img]



It is ok to feel nervous and even cry in therapy. I do it all the time and no one has called me crazy. I know where your coming from and what your going through.



You will make it through and hopefully you will feel better just knowing you made it to your first appointment. Remember this may be a slow process for you to work through so try to just take it one visit at a time.


Temporary fluctuations in our self confidence are common, they happen to most of us. Try self talk, tell yourself you are fine. Tell yourself you can go to therapy or what ever event you are fearing such as the trip to the beach and that you will be ok. When you begin to feel bad stop the "stinkin thinkin" and take a deep breath. Tell your self you are ok. This is one of my mantras and so simple to repeat over and over, "I AM OK!"

I will be thinking of you tomorrow evening. You can do this, I know you can.

Gentle Hugs,

Kitt

NeedingAnswers
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 93
   Posted 5/19/2010 5:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Kitt - I'm freaking out right now.  How do you know she won't think I'm crazy?  Maybe she has never even dealt with a case as complex as mine.  What if she can't even help me?  Maybe I'm beyond help, seriously.  How do I know this is actually going to me many any good?  She might think I'm ridiculous.  What kind of questions will she ask tomorrow?  What kind of paperwork will I have to fill out?  See, I need to know every detail of everything before I do it!  If I can't even go to a gas station that I'm not familiar with, how am I going to go talk to a stranger about my innermost thoughts and feelings?  How long will this appointment last?  Why am I torturing myself this way? I don't have to go to this tomorrow so why put myself through all of this stress?  I'm going but I don't know exactly why when I start thinking about it.  This is why I think she'll think I'm crazy!

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 5/24/2010 1:25 PM (GMT -7)   
In actuallity
people that believe they are crazy....are more likely not

anxiety/panic n the ..what ifs ...Kitt mentioned can make your head so full it can literally go on overload

breathing
taking a walk out in the beauty of nature
writing a journal..not just of arggghh stuff
but of the good too
even if its just a mommy bird feeding her young ...anything

it is my belief n only mine that if you want couselling to work u must be able to trust the person n spill t all ut
no one here thinks you are crazy
`

NeedingAnswers
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 93
   Posted 5/24/2010 5:34 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks, Lyn.  So if you think you may be crazy, you probably are not?  Cause only sane people would question if they were crazy?  I'll have to keep that in mind.  Haha!  After I left the counselors office the other day I was sure that she thought I was nuts.  Afterall, she did think I needed more medication.  My counselor did recommend that I exercise 4 times per week.  My dad said if I get out in the sun it would cure all my problems.  I guess it wouldn't hurt to test his theory out.

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 5/25/2010 5:29 AM (GMT -7)   
THATS my story n im sticking to it..lol
lyn

i honestly dont think u r iinsane you too in tune with self inho

Old Hippy
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 104
   Posted 5/25/2010 11:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Congrats Needing Answers, for surviving your first counseling session! I'm sure it wasn't as bad as you imagined, isn't that the way it <always> goes? I know for me, I put myself through so much drama--I could produce a play every week... Just wanted to say that I am a crazy cat woman and proud of it! There are those of us who do relate to animals better than people, why should we be ostracized & ridiculed? In this day & age, where the lives of people are not <even> worth much, <for example: healthcare, if you don't have it--oh well..> where you are judged by what you look like and how much money you have, then if I am judged crazy for wanting to help abandoned animals--so be it! Ok, back to you, I am proud of your efforts to help yourself, keep trucking on and take care, L
New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Saturday, December 10, 2016 1:28 PM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,736,016 posts in 301,347 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151444 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, Kilgore Trout.
293 Guest(s), 7 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
scifigal2k, Xfitmama3, Kilgore Trout, dbwilco, InTheShop, aloha234, JKVR


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer