Post Edited (StarLily2012) : 5/18/2010 3:23:59 PM (GMT-6)
Yay, I have an appointment Thursday evening with the professional counselor! That didn't come without a ton of stress as I missed her initial call. Then tried to call her back and kept getting the voicemail. I left her a message and gave her my work number then she called me back. Got an appointment scheduled for next week but realized I got my work schedule confused. So I had to call back again and got her voicemail. Then she called me back and actually ended up getting it worked out where she can see me Thursday this week which is good. All the phone calls have me totally stressed out right now and I feel like I just ran a marathon or something. Tomorrow I have to call my insurance to get pre-autorization and call and give her the number. Not looking forward to that at all! Then I'll have to start freaking out about Thursday. She asked if the Zoloft was helping and I told her I didn't think so. She said something about maybe having him up the dosage. Guess I'll just see what she says Thursday. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders after finally getting an appointment scheduled.
The situation at work doesn't involve the 17 year old that's coming to work there. It's something more bothersome in a way and made me totally uncomfortable today. I've worked at this place since I was 18. The owner has always joked around like pretending to flirt with me. Granted, I joke around with him as well. He is 71 years old, same age as my grandma. He is not very involved in the business so I may see him once or twice a month. Lately, actually a couple months, things have started to get awkward as he has been like rubbing my back and that type of thing. Today, the other lady that works with me had to run out to the bank leaving me there alone with him. Well, he was rubbing my shoulders and my back, even the lower part of my back (too low). I didn't know what to do. He would never do anything but I feel that his behavior is a little inappropriate. Like I said, I joke around with him as well but I really wish he would stop touching me. I doubt he would've done that had I not been alone with him. He has rubbed my shoulders and the upper part of my back in front of the other people I work with. Today just felt different and I didn't like it. Now here is where I really don't know what to do. He wants to take just me to a minor league baseball game with him because we are both big fans. It would be a couple hour drive to get to where the game would be meaning a lot of alone time. I do not want to and I am not going to go with him! How do I tell him in a way that won't make it seem obvious that I don't want to go? I need an excuse to get out of it. He doesn't have definite plans in place yet so maybe it won't even happen but he was talking about it again today, he has brought it up before. He is a nice man and like I said he wouldn't do anything...at least I don't think so. He did make a comment about getting a hotel room but like I said he jokes with me that way. I don't want to make him mad at me or hurt his feelings. I really do wish he would stop with the back rubs though. What am I going to do about this? It is really bothering me but he is the owner at the place I work.
I was already upset today after helping my sister move yesterday. Then after that happened, I was all to pieces. I had to call the hospital about making payments. I started freaking out about the counselor not calling me. My ear hurt when I would eat. That's another thing, I ate everything in sight and then I feel guilty and horrible about doing that. I've lost 55 pounds since June of last year and it has been a lot of hard work. I had always turned to food as comfort in a way. Now, I don't do that anymore. I ate chocolate, which is a big no no for acid reflux and it's way fattening and also ate potato chips which I never eat. Now, like I said, I feel guilty and I regret eating those foods. It's done now though so.
The beach trip is still several weeks away but you know the main reason I don't want to go?...You all are probably going to laugh...I don't want to leave my cat. Yes, I am crazy cat lady. He is an indoor/outdoor cat and I make him come in every night. We actually have 5 cats total but he is my baby, okay. I'm going to have to leave him outside for a week. He loves me and is totally gonna feel like I've abandoned him. I'm crying as I type this. This is sad but true, sometimes he is the only thing in my life that truly makes me happy. He is so excited to see me when I come home from work and wants to stay right with me. I can't take him on the trip and I feel so guilty for leaving him. He won't understand why I'm not home. What if something happens to him? What if I come home and he is gone?
This has been the worst day and I think I just need to go to bed. I don't know if there is anything anyone can say or do to make me feel better right now. The one positive is I finally do have an appoinment with the counselor.
Post Edited (NeedingAnswers) : 5/18/2010 5:30:57 PM (GMT-6)
Hey, anxiety twin! So maybe I didn't go to bed. I'm been sitting here waiting on a reply, lame I know. The deal with the owner is so confusing and I just really need someone to talk to. I was totally freaking out when I missed the counselors phone call because I feel like I've never needed to talk to someone in my life more than I do right now. I don't see the owner that often so for the most part I can avoid that situation. If I hadn't been there alone with him I don't think he would've did that which is why I will not go to the baseball game with him. If I were to file sexual harassment charges, which I have to intention of doing, it would go nowhere. He would just say that we've always joked around like that and it would be my word against his. It made me very uncomfortable and that's what set me off crying this morning. I need my job and I can't do anything to jeopardize that. Not that he would hold it over my head or anything. I'm just hoping that maybe he will just stop and that will be the end of it even though I know that's probably not likely. I cannot deal with this right now! I have too many other things going on.
In my mind if I go to the beach I'm never going to see my cat again. To me there is no chance of going, leaving him outside, and then him being here when I come back. More than likely he would probably be fine. We have our neighbor coming to feed them and a friend coming by to check in on them. My cat is such a huge stress reliever for me, you might say he is obviously not doing a good job, but he makes me feel calmer. My Dad found him, at his workplace, when he was just a little kitten. He had clearly had a rough life to that point as the was really skinny and had all sorts of scapes and scratches on him. He was the sweetest little kitten though even though he had obviously been through a lot. I'm way more attached to him than some think I should be. I've just always loved animals.
Tomorrow I will regroup and get back on track with the diet. I guess I just thought I could eat my troubles away today and it most definitely didn't work. In fact, it made me feel much worse as I had to live with the guilt for the rest of the day. I do feel really good about getting the appointment with the counselor! Now I dread having to call to get an authorization number for her tomorrow. That is not going to be fun. I'm going to try to do that first thing tomorrow morning so I won't give myself the opportunity to worry about it tomorrow.
Thank you, twin! You always make me feel better! I value your opinion and really appreciate that you would take time to respond. Maybe you should look in to counseling people. I think you would be really good at it. You deserve to be happy as well and I certainly hope we both achieve that. Actually, what is happiness exactly?...haha! Please tell me it really exists! Have a good day!