boyfriend is showing bad symptoms

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jpick
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 6/8/2010 12:18 PM (GMT -7)   

after reading this foum and already knowing some signs I'm sure now that my boyfriend is dealing with significant anxiety. We've only been together 1 1/2 years but are/were very serious about each other. we are also in our mid 30's. I noticed early on he wasn't as social as me but that was ok. then I noticed he seemed to be insecure with some of my friendships. His father left when he was a child and hasn't really been in the picture since. then we moved in and since then its been a downward spiral. He is jealous for no reason - I have never done anything to give him a reason. Sometimes he drinks and accuses me of flirting (when that is very much not the case). He avoids any social situations with my friends except weddings or important dates that I have to drag him to. The odd part is he seems so fine with everyone and so easy going once he is in the picture.

 

This past weekend I had a friend in town and we had plans all weekends with friends. He became so overstressed the night before he went on a rant and yelled at me and then had chest pains all weekend and bailed out of plans. I try and talk with him about it and acknowledges it is anxiety but will not go to counseling (even though he said he would after a previous bad rant brought on my drinking) and he doesn't want medication. Every time I do talk with him it makes him angry. What am I supposed to do??? I love him very much and up until a few months ago we were talking about marriage and I know he still wants to but I am having serious doubts.  How do I cope with this or work with him on it?


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/8/2010 3:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello and welcome,

I suggest you read Melody Beattie’s bestseller, ‘Codependent No More’, it is an awesome book if you can open up your mind and begin to identify.

Compassion and the desire to make others happy is a wonderful thing provided it is coming from a place of balance and self love…otherwise we end up care taking and struggling to control other people out of over-indentification with their needs and wants, and end up neglecting our own.

As hard as it feels at first, absolutely do not engage him in a argument (no matter who starts it.) Humble yourself and let it go. I am not suggesting that you tolerate unacceptable behavior, just to be responsible for keeping your side of the street clean.

Ultimately you will have to decide whether or not this relationship is healthy one, and if you are willing to work out your issues together. This requires courage and total honesty between the both of you.

I am so sorry you are both going through this. I wish you the very best and please know we are here to support you.

Kindly,

Kitt

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 6/8/2010 6:54 PM (GMT -7)   
You have found a good place to come for support n help
kitt as always has given great advise
please let us know how you are doing
lyn

subdued
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 3231
   Posted 6/8/2010 10:13 PM (GMT -7)   
My boyfriend gets stressed out too. He will get sick every time my family has a family gathering. He feels so sick that he can't go. It's okay. I've been there. I know how he feels. I go and enjoy myself and then come back all excited telling him what we did.

I understand the issues with feeling jealous. My boyfriend doesn't get jealous, but I do sometimes. Just be very open with your boyfriend. Invite him to go with you. Tell him what you are doing and did. Try not to be flirtatious in his presence. I know some people have a naturally flirtatious personality, which is one reason I like my boyfriend. He doesn't, and I really need that because I do get jealous easily. And yes, my jealousy also came from being neglected and abandoned. It's why we get jealous. We're afraid we'll get abandoned again.
Colitis is in remission. No longer get IBS.
 
Figuring out how to reduce a flare or get into remission is a trial and error experience. Don't expect your GI to have all the answers. He was trained in making diagnoses, prescribing medications, and surgically removing the colon. He was not trained in alternative treatments. That's why they are called alternative treatments.

What works for me: Fecal transplantation, Probiotics, Anti-inflammatory foods, No HFCS, No crystalline fructose, No foods high in fructose, No artificial sweeteners, No pro-inflammatory foods when flaring, vitamins & supplements, Lexapro (for stress).

Post Edited (subdued) : 6/8/2010 11:17:23 PM (GMT-6)


jpick
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 6/9/2010 7:41 AM (GMT -7)   

thank you, its so helpful to hear from people on both sides of the situation. I would like to learn to work with him (I have myself had anxiety attacks in the past thru different pressure points). I just don't know if he's really ready to be open with me about things. for those of you who have dealt with the jealous thing on either side of the situation - how is a good way to deal with it in the moment? at first I used to get fired up right back at him and that (obviously) didn't help anything. It just gave him more ammunition to yell. I've tried nipping it right then and there and that works sometimes, like he can recognize he's acting wrong and stops. But lately I just start crying becasue it makes me so upset to see him so angry at me for no reason. Is there a better way I can be handling this or am I just reaching for an answer that isn't out there?

Again, thank you so much for responding - I already feel better being better informed.


SnowyLynne
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 1539
   Posted 6/9/2010 8:42 AM (GMT -7)   
Been there done that,married the guy & nearly lost my life.Dump him....
SnowyLynne


boxcastle
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 80
   Posted 6/16/2010 12:03 PM (GMT -7)   
i have had bad jealousy issues with my partner (i'm the jelous and anxious one) and to be honest our situation sounds very simular!

First off, about the social thing - you might find that he does enjoy socialising with your friends, but he just gets too worked up before hand to be able to even get to the fun part - that's very much what i do. Try having a couple of friends over to your house perhaps - it might be the going out part that makes him worried. And then when he gets used to those people and forms a good friendship, maybe start to introduce small outings. I think the trick with these outings and gatherings away from the home is to keep then short and small at first and slowly building it up. Confidence is a very delicate thing and needs to be built on very gradually.

Also, with my partner, i find they are so so so excited and so desperetly want me to be apart of their plans that they forget that i might not feel up to it - so talk to him - just say you know "i'm doing this with these people, i'd love for you to come, but i understand if you want to stay in tonight" and then if he doesn't come, no need to worry, just come home and tell him all about it, and he may well fancy it next time.

As for the jealousy issue - its a tough one and one myself and my partner haven't yet been able to competely deal with. I think the most important thing is to be able to talk with each other and it sounds like you are able to do that. Try and keep in mind that you are supposed to be on each others side and you are there to make each other's lives better and to support each other. Try and think about any patterns that form - is it with certain people that he gets jelouse? Could there be a reason for this? Does the jealousy occur when he's feeling particularly low or anxcious - could it be a reflection of his low self esteem. A very important thing to bare in mind - that as hard as it is when he is jealous - he gets that way because he loves you - but this doesn't give him an excuse to behave that way if its unfounded and is making you feel bad. Let him know how you feel.

Keep posting :-) this is a great helpful place.

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 6/16/2010 1:04 PM (GMT -7)   
YES YES YES... my daughters dad was very jealous i could not talk to anyone n he got drunk daily then would start accusing me of all kinds of things
i had to learn not to argue back for sure
he did give me a swat in face n i did not hesitate to dial 911
he was sent to jail for weekends as he had a job
ultimetaly i could no longer put up with his mental/emotional/verbal abuse n left.....
read the book kitt posted
its great n sheds light
keep us posted n look out for you no matter how much you love him
hugs
lyn
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