Wow, Lyn....I really hate this for you.....I can't imagine what you're going through or have been through. I wish I could do something more proactive, but I guess that there's a time when things in life come along that we can't change, no matter how much we'd like to. I hope you will find some comfort in knowing that you are allowing Cait to be her own person. I know it must be hard to not try to keep her right up under you!
As you may recall (or may not---it's been a long time since I've mentioned it), my mom and I are said to be co-dependents or having a symbiotic relationship. I have to accept part of the blame for it, but every time I've ever tried to spread out a little, she's been right there to rein me back in RIGHT AWAY. We've had many arguments about it through the years and it has always ended up with me apologizing to her, trying to cajole her, assuring her what a good mom she's been and etc., etc., etc. She's never been able to see how she's controled me like a puppet. She seldom uses the word "I". It is mostly "we". The only places she'll go w/o me are her beautician for a haircut and to the bank (drive-in window). So it goes..............
I love her more than my own life and so I've continued to bear up somehow. I'm not telling you this to make this thread about ME. No, it is because I want you to see the other side of the coin. You're giving Cait a great gift. Letting her have some freedom without making her feel like a traitor to be away from you some. My mom always made me feel so guilty.
I don't know what all is going on with Cait of course, but has she been able to have someone to talk to about her fears, feelings, etc.? I hope so. I realize she'd have to be willing to talk to a therapist, but it might be good for her and you if she would do so.
Well, that's my two cents worth.
I think you're a dear person and just know that you're being thought of with many hugs!