CAIT..GROWING UP N GROWING AWAY...

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Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 6/10/2010 5:40 AM (GMT -7)   
I am finding myself more n more alone now that cait is 17 n has b/f
she is not home from tues til sunday then gone again

i know it hit her hard real hard seeing me on life support last yr n now we hv communication issues with my being deaf

she has been thru so much ..i get that

it didnt hit me with son moving on hving family ect but with cait ppl here that hv known us for yrs know how our relationship was

it is hard for me to let go but in the end i know i hv to

any ideas on how to mk the changes easier

its really ripping my heart out

i miss our closeness n she is angry for sure

i dont blame her

Kitt or any other moms out there how did you get thru this...

huggs

lyn

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/10/2010 9:07 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear Lyn,

I know exactly what your feeling ! I did not plan for the empty nest situation and thought I was ready for my children to start leaving home..........look at all that freedom I would have When our oldest left home at 18 to join the Marines I had my first panic attack and I had no idea what was wrong. He left in June and in July I had a major melt down. I did not get to see him for 3 months and rarely got to talk to him. It was like he had fallen off the edge of the world.

I figured it out for myself finally many years later that John's leaving was a trigger for me. As the others left they stayed within driving distances and I could see them. We spent holidays, vacations, and lots of other occasions together. My daughter and I were very close like you and Cait. She has always included me in her life. Hey. we argue but not near as much as when she was younger. I have learned to accept that she is a full grown woman with her own children and she is doing a fine job of being many things to so many people.

My oldest never moved back to our area and I am lucky to see him once a year. I still cry for him when I am feeling down.

Don't be alarmed if you experience feelings of sadness and loss of purpose when your Cait leaves home. These are normal reactions.
Find a way to communicate regularly with Cait by e-mail or in person. Keep in mind that this is an invigorating time in your relationship with Cait - a chance to go from being a teenager's parent to a young adult's vital, trusted friend. Watching her grow into a wonderful, caring young woman will make you so proud and never doubt she loves you.

I know you and Cait used to do everything together. Now she spends her time with her boyfriend and her friends. I understand why you miss the time you used to spend together. After all, she is your daughter, and you have had some rough times so you feel sad and lonely. Let yourself feel and then work on getting out with your brother or others and don't isolate yourself.

I suspect you may feel worthless, disoriented and unsure of what meaning your future may hold right now but be aware that you are grieving the loss of the role of primary carer of Cait. She is sprouting her wings but you will always be her Mother.

Give yourself time to adapt to the changes. Don’t expect too much of yourself and always come here and vent if you feel like it as there is so much support in the forums.

Be patient and I promise you there are some wonderful years coming up as the Mom of a young adult. Look at me ...............grandmother of 7. Life does get better again.

I wish you peace,

Kitt

janetlee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1986
   Posted 6/10/2010 10:44 AM (GMT -7)   
Wow, Lyn....I really hate this for you.....I can't imagine what you're going through or have been through. I wish I could do something more proactive, but I guess that there's a time when things in life come along that we can't change, no matter how much we'd like to. I hope you will find some comfort in knowing that you are allowing Cait to be her own person. I know it must be hard to not try to keep her right up under you!
As you may recall (or may not---it's been a long time since I've mentioned it), my mom and I are said to be co-dependents or having a symbiotic relationship. I have to accept part of the blame for it, but every time I've ever tried to spread out a little, she's been right there to rein me back in RIGHT AWAY. We've had many arguments about it through the years and it has always ended up with me apologizing to her, trying to cajole her, assuring her what a good mom she's been and etc., etc., etc. She's never been able to see how she's controled me like a puppet. She seldom uses the word "I". It is mostly "we". The only places she'll go w/o me are her beautician for a haircut and to the bank (drive-in window). So it goes..............
I love her more than my own life and so I've continued to bear up somehow. I'm not telling you this to make this thread about ME. No, it is because I want you to see the other side of the coin. You're giving Cait a great gift. Letting her have some freedom without making her feel like a traitor to be away from you some. My mom always made me feel so guilty.
I don't know what all is going on with Cait of course, but has she been able to have someone to talk to about her fears, feelings, etc.? I hope so. I realize she'd have to be willing to talk to a therapist, but it might be good for her and you if she would do so.
Well, that's my two cents worth.
I think you're a dear person and just know that you're being thought of with many hugs!
jl
 


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 6/10/2010 1:01 PM (GMT -7)   
Kitt
you know me so well n hit everything im feeling....
i had to stop 4 times reading yr post from tears but good ones
i respect what yr saying n i get it.....somedays lol
other days i just feel sooo lonely n not needed by her
she is a caring loving n smart young woman that im very proud of and i want to be around when she has kids....
i hv 2 gks now but never see them..only last yr when i took sick
never hear from them not even on mothers day
when cait is here we are not really talking alot due to hearing loss
as i said it hurt her n angered her that i was almost gone last yr....
but god wasnt ready for me yet obviously....
i want her to be all she can n i do want her to hv her life
its just hard as it sometimes feels like another loss n ive had so many in last couplle of yrs

as for my bro i do go out with him hv gone to fair family dinners n tonight..a blind date..oh my....yep a blind date..
bro n sil are coming along as they want to check the fellow out
my bro has become so protective of me n i love him dearly for it
he is also the helper or go between with cait n i
she told him it hurts her that i dont understand what shes saying n she misses our talks n cuddle times

as i said you hit every emotion i was feeling
thank you for your caring ways n frienship thru the yrs
love n huggs my friend
lyn

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 6/10/2010 1:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Jl
yes you are right in your thinking too
i do not want to burden her with me for the good times n yrs shes going to have
her b/f is a really great guy n i love him to death...
he treats her like a queen works hard n owns his own house
so all in all i guess this really is a good step for her its just hard for mom....

i appreciate n acknolidge ..sp..all you have said
thank you for your words too
huggs
lyn

janetlee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1986
   Posted 6/10/2010 6:56 PM (GMT -7)   
Lyn,
I am not in any way trying to diminish what YOU are going through...I can not imagine how hard it must be for you! I know you've dealt with illnesses and anxiety for so very long...that is one of the reasons that I am inspired by you! You are like a Timex watch: You take a licking and keep on ticking!!
I think that Cait is old enough for you to tell her what you've said here. Let her know that you acknowledge her fears, worries, and need to have time to herself. But also you need to let her know that although it's been a very difficult road you two have been down, nothing's changed in the most important ways. That you still love her and are there for her and that you need her too. Just tell her honestly how you feel and let her do the same.
You're a courageous strong woman and have helped so many, including me. Sometimes, it is best to put our cards out on the table. It didn't work for me in regards to my mom and I, but in your situation, I think it just might! This is only my humble opinion. Whatever you do, know that we love ya much!
janet
 


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 6/10/2010 7:53 PM (GMT -7)   
ty sweetie
your words mean alot to me n i agree with so much of what you said
i hv only helped those that wanted help imho n im glad that i was there for you
huggs n luv n ty again for your input

Jan Marie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 1663
   Posted 6/13/2010 5:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Lyn... the fact that Cait has grown into a confident young lady and is spreading her wings is thanks to you. You have given her the wisdom and guidance to be her own person. Be proud of that and tell her how proud you are of her... and that you miss her. It is hard... I am feeling it too with my kids. x

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/13/2010 7:52 PM (GMT -7)   
Lyn,

How are you doing my friend with your feelings about Cait? You know I am here for you.

Kitt

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 6/14/2010 5:44 AM (GMT -7)   
Morning my friend
she just came home yesterday so am going to try and talk with her
i guess im gonna let her try her wings
i know she knows ill b here if she needs me
getting out bk into the world this week has helped me as well to see she n i can live apart n still b close
the communication barrier due to deafness is our biggest hurdle so im taking the sign classes and trying to find other ways to communicate
all part of the
empty nest syndrome i believe too

ty for being here you made so much sense
n others helped as well
huggs
lyn
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