things have been really bad again. I want to cry. I have been having bad panic and anxiety again, and i just want to vent.
I was doing so well, i had moved to London and got into the uni i wanted. But the uni was nothing like it was supposed to be - we only had one class a week (that lasted an hour) and 3 tutorials a term; some of which, my tutor just didn't turn up for. So i decided this wasn't right for me and dropped out in April. However, because i dropped out, the student loan company made me pay back close to £2000 upfront, which has competely broke me.
Just days after paying back the money last week, i was forced to take my old job back caring for people with dementia at a residential home - which i hate because the other workers there are horrible both to me, each other, and the residents! I agreed to do a 58 hour working week because i need the money so desperetly. On one of my very few spare moments i took a walk in the park with a friend - it was summery and light even though it was 9:30pm - i just needed to breathe - there was other people about
- but i got mugged at knife point by 4 teenage boys! They didn't get anything, i fought my ground and managed to get away far enough from them to call the police and they ran off scared - but it really shook me up.
THEN, there was a big out break at the care home of a sickness bug, and i've ended up getting it. I have a massive vomit phobia so the last two days have been horrid for me.
The only thing is, i feel like i should be feeling better by now, but my stomach still feels very sore and tight, and i don't have much of an appertite. I'm so worried because this is what happened last time. I was under a lot of stress, then i got ill, something that should only have last a few days - but i never got better - and it turned out i'd become agoraphobic and had an anxiety break down - what if that's happened again? What if this stomach discomfort is all in my mind? It could take years to sort out again - i can't bear that.
Sorry this was so long, i just don't know what to do :-(