How To Believe?

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janetlee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1986
   Posted 6/18/2010 4:08 PM (GMT -7)   
Sometimes, I feel like two different people. On the one hand, I am aware that I have a loving nature and want to help people in whatever way I can. I'm not trying to be immodest with that statement, but honest. Anyway, on the other hand, I find that I totally dislike myself. I would even say that I despise myself in many ways. Do not take this as any sort of suicidal tendency (it's NOT), but I do often fantasize about how I'd like to kick myself, punch myself, stomp myself, cut myself, spit on myself, etc. You get the picture. MOm once found a letter that I had written to myself where I poured out my disgust of myself and she freaked! She was shocked and mad. Too bad. It was not meant to be read by her in the first place...No matter what I do, I never feel like it's good enough. Nothing can make up for my being me. Call it a pity party or whatever, but I feel such intense rage at myself. I can't help but believe that somehow there is just something about me that is repulsive and undeserving of anything good.
I can recall how that when I was young, I tried so hard to be a good girl. I can even say that I was mom's favorite because I worked at pleasing her and everyone. My sister was basically a good girl, but a lots more independent and stubborn. And she was pretty. She could just be pretty and she was accepted. I'd try to look decent and be kind and work for any approval I could get (BUT NEVER TO THE POINT OF KISSING A**!!). She could care less what anyone thought. She was actually wiser than me in matters like that. I wish I could've been more like her, but I'm me and could never be like her, although I respect her greatly!
I remember liking guys and they'd always be interested in her. NEVER me.
 
And then, when I got older and liked this one guy (who's much younger than me), he was attracted to me, but nothing came of it. I knew to not walk down that road. Even he would never admit to liking me, but even I being as ignorant about affairs of the heart as I am, could tell he was not adverse to me at all. I could've kissed him, but chickened out. I knew nothing good would come of it and I am/was right. Mostly because of my phobias and anxiety and being older, but also because he's a loner and has a selfish streak a mile wide. Nope. I do not regret avoiding that drama at all.
But for the most part, I think that there's something inheritantly disgusting about me that somehow people sense and I am hurt by it. But I can't blame them either. I know I've never been a beauty and yet, there's people a lot plainer/uglier than me that have had good lives. So it must not be just my lack of looks either.
Oh well, I really don't know what to think, but some days, I wish that I never had to deal with anyone again, especially myself.
jl
 


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/18/2010 4:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear JL,

I will try to share with your a bit about me and how I have always felt like I was not good enough and always kept trying to be better. I was raised by a stepmother who did not particularly like me a lot...............in face she made a point of humiliating me all of my childhood and I was raised as an only child as my siblings lived in another state with their own Father. We shared the same Mother who died when I was 18 months old.

My core beliefs were set by the things I was brought up to believe mostly by my stepmother and then their was my 10 years of Catholic Schooling. My stepmother told me I was fat, and worthless, I was my Dad's brat and I never worked up to my ability. Even after I got married I still tried my best to please her and she would criticize me constantly. Of course at school I was taught to give until it hurt, turn the other cheek and always raise you hand and volunteer first..........so there you go. I tried to live by those standards and failed miserably. I always believed that everyone was better, smarter, liked more than me and that I must be doing something wrong.

Finally I have come to like me although I cannot say that I never feel bad over what people say and that my perception isn't messed up at times as I over read what people say to me. I have a habit of reacting and then feeling bad later that I did not think things through but whenever someone walks out of my life I always blame myself.

Here are a few tips that may help you and if not please just ignore them :)

Remember that no one is perfect. Even the most confident people have insecurities. At some point in any of our lives, we may feel we lack something. That is reality. Learn that life is full of bumps down the road.

Identify your successes. Everyone is good at something, so discover the things at which you excel, then focus on your talents. Give yourself permission to take pride in them. Give yourself credit for your successes. You write beautiful poetry !

Be Positive, even if you don't feel the same way. Never allow others to make you feel inferior--they can only do so if you let them. If you continue to loathe and belittle yourself, others are going to do and believe likewise. Instead, speak positively about yourself.

Accept compliments gracefully. Don't roll your eyes and say, "Yeah, right," or shrug it off. Take it to heart and respond positively. You know we thing you are a kind and caring person who is always willing to help other people in need. Your posts show you wonderful caring spirit. You are a awesome lady. Believe !

Gentle Hugs,

Kitt

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 6/18/2010 8:25 PM (GMT -7)   
JL there is nothing i could add that kitt hasnt said
excet knowing you for quite sometime thru here
ive come to know a very loving and caring person that needs to believe n practise what kitt posted
you r unique
huggs
lyn
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Celey
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 1284
   Posted 6/19/2010 3:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Janet, I have trouble with self-loathing, too... I know how it feels to be so utterly disgusted with yourself... It's one of the worse feelings in the world... Even if you do know, deep down, that you're a good person, that you're doing the best you can, that there's nothing wrong with you... You can't seem to get rid of those self-hating thoughts...

Kitt's advice is really good (it always is)... But it can be really hard to follow through on it... Stuff like that... That's been around since you were young.... It gets programmed into you... And since this programming has been running for years... it can be very difficult to deprogram yourself...

Take it in small steps... You're already doing a good thing by turning to support from other people... This means that a part of you does recognize that you are a good person, that you do deserve kindness and help from other people when you need it... And that's a good step to take... A step to help unwind all those years of being programmed to hate yourself...

Just don't give up... This isn't an impossible task... It's very hard, but it's not impossible. The brain has an amazing capacity for adapting and healing itself... You will get to a point where you will feel good about yourself... It's just going to take some time...
I think I am being picked on by life, sometimes. But's that okay. Life and I are good buddies... I know life doesn't mean no harm. It just is the way it is. I can accept that.


janetlee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1986
   Posted 6/19/2010 7:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks to all of you for your kind and caring words. I know that everything you say is true. It is just hard to really really believe it...I do, but I don't. You know?
Kitt, your stepmother made Cinderella's look like an angel! How hateful and cruel! And despite her hatefulness, you turned out to be everything she tried to say you weren't! That's the best "revenge"! My mom always let me know she loved me. She wasn't perfect, of course, but I never doubted that she did love me. In some ways though, she "loved" me too much. She was always so afraid that I'd get hurt (emotionally or physically) that she'd constantly warn me of all the dangers lurking out there...that did affect me. And like soooooooooooooo many kids, the other kids at school could be cruel at times.
I was always afraid of failure, being embarassed, looking stupid. Mom said that when I was in first grade, my teacher had threatened me with a paddling if I did not master the math subject we were doing at the time. I came home crying and fretting. Mom went over it with me until I understod it well. She said I woke her up before dawn to make sure I could still do it right. Mom took me to school that morning and told my teacher that she'd better not ever do that to me again! I don't remember it, but it souonds just like me and my mom wouldn't lie!
Anyhow, life certainly hasn't been anything like I would've thought and especially not what I would've hoped...so true of most on here, I'd guess. I just get very very bitter and look to the past and it's gone and the future is just going to be a continuation of the same ol' same ol'. I've NEVER been able to overcome my fears. NEVER.
Okay. All is said and it's time to shut my trap up for good about this. Thanks for listening and especially thanks for caring.
Love,
janetlee
 

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