Well now, where to begin....
I suppose a little background would be helpful....
I am 27 years old and active duty Army. I have been to both Iraq and Afghanistan, and my doctor seems to think I have PTSD but I don't think so. Neither of my 12 month tours were very traumatic, I was lucky enough to never have to come into contact with the deceased. Although, my job did make it so that I had to set up and manage each of the memorial services for the fallen soldiers that died in my unit's area of operation. I'm not going to lie, that part sucked a lot. But, the rest of the deployment was not a big deal.
I have been fighting bouts of depression and anxiety over the last 4 years or so, pretty much ever since I joined the Army. I never really wanted to join the Army, but did not have much of a choice. I was in between jobs at the time and being married and caring for my 2 step-children was not able to afford to keep going on like that, and the Army offered a stable income at the time. I do harbor some feelings of resentment for having to join the Army, but not any particular person.
I have taken several different medications in an attempt to bring my depression/anxiety into order. I started with celexa, but after about 1 1/2 - 2 years it stopped working. Next I went to Zoloft, but again shortly after taking it it became ineffective. Now I am currently transitioning into Triliptol, as my psychiatrist believes that this will help more than the straight anti-depressants. I have only been taking the Triliptol for about a month and a half and can not really tell the difference yet.
Here's the thing though, I know what my depression/anxiety comes from. But I do not know what to do about it. It may sound wierd, but I hate being in the Army. The main reason I hate being in the Army is because I hate to run. I really really really hate running. It is painful on my body and just typically not fun! Every time I am forced to go running (which is typically about daily) I have a mild panic attack. When it comes time for me to take a PT Test (twice a year if you pass) I have major panic attacks. I do not know how to bring this up to my doctor, as I do not want to come across as being lazy and just trying to get out of doing PT. I have no problems when it comes to other physical activities, but running just horrifies me for some unknown reason.
I just don't know what to do. I mean this can't be normal. How would I even bring something like that up to my doctor/psychiatrist without sounding like a whiner? I have been tested for several different things as to why the running may be causing injury, but everything has came back normal and my doctor says that it is probably my depression causing my body to ache.
Anyway, thanks for the read. It does help getting all of this off my chest. I haven't really been able to tell anyone exactly what's going on. Just dont' feel like anyone really understands what's going on, and would probably just think that I'm being lazy.
Discussions of self-harm are deemed negative and therefore potentially injurious to others and therefore not permitted. Thank you for your understanding.
Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 6/22/2010 7:32:45 AM (GMT-6)