I actually did write a reply as soon as I read the posts but unfortunately it got lost :( (My appologies) The site wanted me to sign in again and the reply I wrote was no longer there. Actually if you asked me if I wanted to go to the dentist instead I would say I would prefer that. I never actually knew that it would be this hard writing about
someone I love dearly.
It's like having Jeckyll and Hyde. When things are not going the way he likes it in life, even if it is a simple obstacle, his anxiety and depression sky rockets and then he starts blaming me. Maybe in a twisted way I am guilty of his problems. He is living in my country. He is far away from home. For a person with anxiety this is a huge step. (he did work in several countries though. So this is not the first time for him living abroad) I do not like him using the "I came all the way from my home country to be with you" card all the time though. I try and put myself in his shoes. Yes, it is hard, yet, I know I will never fully understand how it really does feel to live in a foreign country with anxiety. Somehow my husband thinks that all the negative behaviour
s he comes across in my country towards him is because he is a foreigner. Yes, some may be but a lot of times it has nothing to do with it. I guess he is and has been quite sensitive. So I do try and understand his situation. That is another reason why I have been so understanding towards him. (He has trouble focussing on the positive things in life. There are very nice people here too. Somehow everything controversial and negative draws his attention.) (I also have been after him to learn the language so it would make his life easier but he is not showing any effort to do so. He just took a beginners course and did not continue)
Although I had made it quite clear that I wanted to settle down in my hometown before we got married, I still offered him to work abroad if we got a good job offer because I knew he wanted it so much. This is one huge step for me. Knowing his anxiety I fear it might not work out and we might be jumping from one country to another. Let alone me giving up my job and pension here in my hometown.
What Janetlee said about
my husband being an "emotional vampire" might be true. I did read the article and it is hard to admit and breaks my heart into pieces but I think it is true. There are many signs I have read there that he is one and even right now as I am writing about
it my mind and heart is fighting against it to not believe in it. I guess you never really want to accept the fact that the one you really love can be this way. Plus, I know he loves doing charity work and helping people. I've seen all the nice things he has done for people and how much he loves nature. So it does make it even harder accepting the fact of "why?" he is like this towards me.
Like Stkitt said I do feel guilty, upset, drained and confused. I also feel incompetent sometimes. As if there is something more I can do. If only I did not feel drained all the time. He isn't the only reason of course for me to feel tired. My work is challenging. I am a teacher dealing with poor kids who desperately need my help. It is challenging, yet very rewarding. So I guess I have double trouble.
Mmnavy and Howlncat you are right about
that nothing in this world could justify emotional abuse, but, still I am hoping that this too shall pass . I want to believe in that cause he is a very good person at the same time. I don't know. I am quite confused.
It has helped me more than I can say to know that I am not alone. To know there are people out there who do understand and care. It feels as if I was all alone in the mist and I finally saw some sunshine. It really did give me that extra boost seeing all those posts and today when I saw how you did reach out to me in such a heartfealt way. Thank you so much. God Bless for helping me smile once more.