methadone withdrawal day 10 (it did start w xanax)

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ssss1984
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 7/17/2010 5:07 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm 25 and my story with substance dependency and addiction goes back ~4 years (I know everyone emphasizes the difference between the two, but can't it be both?)

I have allllways suffered from chronic depression and by that I mean, no particular event triggered this, it's not a temporary state that needed to be treated, it is one that has always existed and because of that, along with similarities on one side of the family that do not exist on the other, I honestly believe it's absurd to neglect that certain people have a chemical imbalance in the brain that needs to be treated... just like... somebody who needs corrective lenses for poor vision or any kind of PHYSICAL disability; we're all composed different mentally just like we are physically.

So when I finally expressed my symptoms, that now included (I guess) panic attacks, sleepless nights, uncontrollable worrying, etc, my primary care physician at the time put me on Lexapro and Xanax to be taken as needed.

...And boy, did that help. Unfortunately, however, "tolerance" kicked in, and eventually I was back to my previous state, however, still taking the medication to avoid maintain and avoid withdrawal because, I have a job where I sit in a chair in front of a computer for 8 hours a day, if I went into any inpatient treatment to recover, it would be at the expense of my job that I can't afford to lose, and so obviously, I'm kind of trapped in a setting where I fear withdrawal because the symptoms that come with it would quite easily cost me... my job.

So... I realize I wrote a lot already ( I have a tendency to do that, hopefully I didn't lose anyone yet)... and I'll try to get to the point a lot quicker now.

After about a year... quit Lexapro CT (no big deal because it's not addictive) and just stayed on Xanax... every morning before work I took it... for 2.5 years.

AT that point, I turned to hydrocodone, because, even though it's a pain medication, it gave me more mental relief than anything else ever did... and I would bluff every time to get it,.

Hydrocodone enabled me to CT off Xanax EFFORTLESSLY. For all the talk of seizures from benzo withdrawal and whatnot, I didn't feel a single withdrawal symptom as long as I was on the painkillers the entire day. For the record, prior to taking painkillers, I experimented coming off xanax a couple times and frankly my mind was in a state of hell so that I got right back on em each time.

But everything came at a price,... I used to be a workout fanatic, the endorphin high I got from lifting ~4 times a week was very helpful to me. Plus, it helped me put on a front like I was a very healthy, hardworking individual, with no mental issues.

And on  hydro all day, it got to a point where (once again) tolerance kicked in, it became less effective, and it robbed me of my motivation towards my #1 hobby of working out.

So I looked for help, and emphasized the fact that at my job I could not afford withdrawal and that's when methadone was prescribed to ease WD and make it less intense (but obviously prolonged)

2 months later I knew it was time to quit the methadone. Since I failed at tapering, I was forced to do this cold turkey.

10 days later... I feel worse than ever... I don't sleep... and it drives me crazy. I feel like I'm in hell all the time. When I'm at work, I feel like I'm in prison. Today I also made an uncharacteristic mistake at work but instead of dealing with it, I went home an hour early without telling anyone because I just can't cope with it. This is what I feared all along, I knew it would happen like this, and it did.

10 days in..... I don't know how long this is going to take.. but today has been worse than the previous 9 days. And yesterday was worse than the previous 8 days.

For the record, when I was 4 days in, I was amazed at how well I was doing "clean" for the first time in 4 years... but just as soon as I thought I was fortunate, it all took a dive

So finally here's the question

Is this withdrawal or is this just me? The person that 4 years ago sought help because of a state of mind that required treatment... I feel like I'm in the same boat as people who take pain meds for real physical pain, but after a while, get so sick of the BS that comes with it that they want to come off that medication, but the pain is still there.,.. so it's like a "can't win" situation

I can't even tell whether my symptoms are withdrawal and/or pre-existing mental issues because I'm so messed up right now. I could be thinking of something good and then a moment later I'll have what feels like a mental surge of frustration.  Or something crazy like that.

I don't want to be dependent on medication, but maybe I have to be. Because I don't think I can live without it. but at the same time, this is still a lot worse than I felt before I started taking meds, so I don't know.

Thanks for reading and any feedback is very much appreciated =)
 
Edit:  1. No discussion of any illegal activity or threats of violence. (ie. illicit drug use or exchange, threats of suicide or self-injury, or threatened or intended physical harm).  
 
Discussions of suicide or self-harm  are deemed negative and  also not permitted.

Your input  is  greatly appreciated here, I do hope you understand why I have had to edit this post. Thank you ~ Kitt

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 7/17/2010 6:46:20 AM (GMT-6)


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 7/17/2010 6:11 AM (GMT -7)   
Good Morning and welcome to HealingWell.

I am sorry to read of your struggles and just wanted to cover a few things about Methadone.
Methadone is a synthetic (man-made) narcotic. It is used legally to treat addiction to narcotics and to relieve severe pain. Methadone is extremely addictive, and therefore it is extremely difficult to detox from methadone.

I would really like to recommend you find a good psychiatrist and a therapist to help you deal with your depression and if you need medication for your depression use an Antidepressant prescribed by your Dr.

Using narcotics gives you a false sense of "feeling" good but as you have stated your tolerance caused you to need more of the medication to maintain that good feeling.

One of my dearest friends just spent 10 days as an inpatient in a Psych Hospital being detoxed from Vicodin which was prescribed for her Fibro.

Perhaps you should talk with your Physician about some sort of treatment facility. I know you are working but your health has to be your first priority as without it you will not be working at all.

I understand Anxiety and Depression well as I have a 28 year history with both and yes I do use Antidepressant medication.

Again welcome to HealingWell and I am sure you will be hearing from other members. This is a great forum.

Kindly,

Kitt

ssss1984
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 7/17/2010 10:41 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Kitt -

Thanks for the advice and thank you for reading... Sorry to violate forum rules. I believe the way to go for myself is back to a non addictive anti-depressant, however, the problem there is they take about 2 weeks (in my personal experience) to become effective after first taking them... and at the beginning before they start helping I have had a couple instances where I would get unfavorable side effects and right now I can't handle anything more than what I'm going through.

So I was looking for advice as far as some kind of immediate relief in the meantime. I have no choice but to go to work during this time, however. I don't think I will actually lose my job to this, but the risk is still there...

I have considered (unfortunately) going back on 5mg of methadone, along with an anti-depressant, and after a few weeks on both, the anti-depressant will start working and at that point I can do this again with less dramatic side effects and consequences.

I don't think there's any pretty way around this... but that was the safest thing I had in mind.

Just to update... despite only getting a couple hours of disturbed sleep last night, I am feeling better on Day 11. I think that has something to do with it being Saturday, and not having to "get up" at 5:30 AM and deal with work... And maybe something to do with being a day closer to recovery. And that's the other end of it, I've made it this far, and while I may have stopped methadone a bit prematurely, I don't know think smart to go back on a low dose and take my chances of doing this over again even if it's under the treatment of anti-depressants.

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 7/19/2010 8:27 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi there
just wanting to add my welcome n ask how you re doing today
lyn
                 Co Mod for... CROHNS..ANXIETY/ PANIC.....ALZHEIMERS
        DX.. a/p ....crohns ...fibro... pyoderma gangrenosum..seizures....deaf
            meds..lyrica..pentasa...valproic acid..ativan...diazepam....t 3 s prn
                  Help HEALING WELL...DONATE...www.HealingWell.com
                        WE CAN N WILL GET THRU THIS TOGETHER
                                                   LYN                       


ssss1984
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 7/21/2010 7:07 PM (GMT -7)   
thanks for asking. well, i dont feel like im going through wd anymore but everything has been very dull and depressing... the only positive i could share is that the extreme restlessness, etc, that i now have after months of operating on a drowsy level with hydro and methadone (and xanax) has taken my workouts to a new level and every day i HAVE to work out because of all this uncomfortable energy coming back.

i think about hydrocodone all day, in terms like.... i have not yet accepted that its no longer available, once i accept the reality, i think it will get better. i got back on a non-addictive SSRI 2 days ago and hoping that will start to help sooner than later. i hope and believe that i can find some sort of peace with this ssri alone.

oh yeah... i would like to add that ironically enough, the day i started this thread on 7/17, day 10, was THE worst. but it went from being at its worst... to being at its best, literally over one sleepless night... i wasn't feeling all cheerful, etc, but at the same time, i could tell on day 11 those wd symptoms ran their course. it was a great feeling indeed. the only thing i still struggle with is sleep at night... i stay wide awake unable to sleep after 4-5 tylenol PMs... its a joke. you would think at some point all this sleep deprivation would make me have one really nice night of sleep at some point, but no.

thx for checking in... hope this thread could be a help to others as well because..... i did get off 3 highly addictive substances after all ;)

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 7/22/2010 6:26 AM (GMT -7)   
Congratulations on your success in getting off of the addictive medications. I hope you are remembering to tell yourself often what a great thing you have accomplished.

Be proud of yourself as we are proud of you.

Kindly,

Kitt

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 7/22/2010 9:28 AM (GMT -7)   
YES YES YES
Be very proud..
as i was also dep n addicted to oxycontin ..morphine ..
i now hv been off all of them for a year n nothing would mk me go back to that way of life
proud of you

lyn
                 Co Mod for... CROHNS..ANXIETY/ PANIC.....ALZHEIMERS
        DX.. a/p ....crohns ...fibro... pyoderma gangrenosum..seizures....deaf
            meds..lyrica..pentasa...valproic acid..ativan...diazepam....t 3 s prn
                  Help HEALING WELL...DONATE...www.HealingWell.com
                        WE CAN N WILL GET THRU THIS TOGETHER
                                                   LYN                       


ssss1984
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 7/24/2010 7:52 PM (GMT -7)   
A year off oxy... wow... that's pretty amazing.... because just last week I was watching "intervention" about someone who was addicted to that and it looked like a terror worse than anything I had seen (but of course the happy ending at one of those 5 star rehab.... how could one refuse? it makes the whole thing look glamorous) Anyway, that's a pretty special thing to put something that powerful behind you, though... The real test is "making it" in the long run, after all

Thx to both of you stkitt & Howlyncat, though i don't know either of you, the praise means a lot... actually, it really made my day. especially because i was in it by myself the whole time.. that's alright, i did it for myself too

Post Edited (ssss1984) : 7/24/2010 8:58:00 PM (GMT-6)


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 7/25/2010 7:00 AM (GMT -7)   
ssss1984,

I agree with you ~ one of the hardest things to do is to stop thinking and to stay off of the medications. I stopped Percodan 3 years ago that I was using for back pain. I did a very slow wean and yes it was extremely hard but I was lucky to have my hubby to help me. I have had it offered to me by an ER physician once since for pain but turned it down and went home wishing I could have taken it.

We are here for you so know that you are just a click away from coming here and sharing your thoughts and feelings and asking for support at anytime.

“Success is focusing the full power of all you are on what you have a burning desire to achieve.” ~ Wilfred Peterson

Kindly,

Kitt

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 7/26/2010 3:31 PM (GMT -7)   
i had no other optioon if i wanted to live plain n simple
i awoke to being in hospital...on life support n from there hv daily made my way back with my daughters help my bros help n family i hv here
I thank the spirits i believe in n my God as well as love of family / friends foir staying beside me thru all of this
its been rough but i know it can be done
i wish you all the best..
lyn

BTW..hot milk has a calming sedative and warm way to make you nice n sleepy
i hv one every night,,with a touch of cinnamon on top
                 Co Mod for... CROHNS..ANXIETY/ PANIC.....ALZHEIMERS
        DX.. a/p ....crohns ...fibro... pyoderma gangrenosum..seizures....deaf
            meds..lyrica..pentasa...valproic acid..ativan...diazepam....t 3 s prn
                  Help HEALING WELL...DONATE...www.HealingWell.com
                        WE CAN N WILL GET THRU THIS TOGETHER
                                                   LYN                       

Post Edited (Howlyncat) : 7/26/2010 4:35:33 PM (GMT-6)


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 7/26/2010 3:31 PM (GMT -7)   
i had no other optioon if i wanted to live plain n simple
i awoke to being in hospital...on life support n from there hv daily made my way back with my daughters help my bros help n family i hv here
I thank the spirits i believe in n my God as well as love of family / friends foir staying beside me thru all of this
its been rough but i know it can be done
i wish you all the best..
lyn
                 Co Mod for... CROHNS..ANXIETY/ PANIC.....ALZHEIMERS
        DX.. a/p ....crohns ...fibro... pyoderma gangrenosum..seizures....deaf
            meds..lyrica..pentasa...valproic acid..ativan...diazepam....t 3 s prn
                  Help HEALING WELL...DONATE...www.HealingWell.com
                        WE CAN N WILL GET THRU THIS TOGETHER
                                                   LYN                       

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