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wearyRAsufferer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 2329
   Posted 8/24/2010 6:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Well I'm on my way to the xannax bottle. I'll just take a half of one but I just can't deal with anymore of today.
I am crazy busy at work and have a very nasty boss. Well he is mostly nasty but sometimes can be nice. Very unpredictable so you never know what a day will be like... Today was bad. Plus I have not been speaking to my husband for over a week and sleeping on the couch I'm so angry. it's really not even all about the last thing- it's my whole life. I feel like I do everything and have all the responsibilities and I am overwhelmed. As you can see from my name I also have RA and although I am high functioning with it- I really can't handle all that I used to do. Even mentally- I'm spent after the full time job. Now we are trying to refinance the house and guess who is doing all the work. Spent 2 hrs on the phone with the loan officer. The kid's college loans we co signed for...found out they are on our necks. Those payments will be factored in to how much we can pay each month...plus my daughter just asked to borrow money for her bills for the third time. I told her this is the absolute last time. Not for nothing I do without so I can help my kids and you know how kids today live. They live beyond their means...when I was their age I didn't do anything but pay my bills. I never asked my parents for a loan.
I just feel so upset, like these are just every day things in every body's life. Why can't I handle it? I'm embarrassed to have aired all my dirty laundry- I jsut felt like I had to get it off my chest and I don't have anyone to tell it to.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/25/2010 7:30 AM (GMT -7)   

Good Morning,

As I read through your post it feels to me like you are taking on way to much responsibility.  An important first step in establishing healthy boundaries is learning to let go of taking responsibility for other people's lives, desires, and emotional responses.

Your daughter asking for a loan because she lives beyond her means is an example of one place you could start by setting boundaries. 

There is an old saying ~ if you give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day; but if you teach him to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime.


~~Kitt~~
Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.
www.healingwell.com

"If you can't change the world, change your world"

Scaredy Cat
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 24682
   Posted 8/25/2010 11:34 AM (GMT -7)   
Hugs to you! I too struggle with guilt re: my grown daughter. I also have a young one still @ home, and the older one gets jealous because we still support her-imagine! Relationships cause us the most stress, but just imagine the alternative. Hang in there-this too shall pass (just not quickly enough-right?)
Take Care
Scaredy Cat
"Courage is not the abscence of fear, it is feeling afraid and doing it anyway!"

Fugs
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 358
   Posted 8/28/2010 2:09 PM (GMT -7)   
I know it's an all too easy trap to fall into - but, try not to get down on yourself. As your title says, it's just "too much". I'm sure you're fully capable of dealing with any one of the issues you shared (and any you may have kept to yourself) if that was the only thing you were dealing with. But when you stack issue upon issue, stressor upon stressor, it adds up. We can only handle so much at once. Maybe you can make a list and prioritize the things you need to deal with first and figure out what can be put off for now. Maybe even note the steps you take as you work on each thing (for encouragement later when if/when you feel like you're not making any progress).

Taking one step at a time, you won't finish everything tomorrow - but you will be well on your way. It's a silly saying, but "How do you eat an elephant...? One bite at a time".

wearyRAsufferer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 2329
   Posted 8/28/2010 7:42 PM (GMT -7)   
yes- I take on entirely too much. As Fugs knows I told her that I do this as a coping mechanism for combating the what if's...
As we can see that comes with it's own consequences.
My family makes way too many demands on me and since I have always complied they don't want to hear it that I am not up to it anymore. Even when I tell them they still make the demands. If I don't comply they make me feel bad about myself. Well- I have always heard that no one can make you feel bad about yourself- you make yourself feel bad....whatever it is- I feel bad.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/29/2010 7:06 AM (GMT -7)   
Only you can control your feelings.  Others cannot make you feel bad as I learned the hard way.  smhair   Learn to love and accept yourself. ((((((((Hugs)))))))))
 
I used to feel guilty saying no.  I always equated the word no with I can’t so  now I associate it with I won’t. I realised with the help of my therapist  that no was a mode of self preservation and of setting boundaries.
 
I still get stuck in the guilt circle sometimes when I say no but then I talk with my hubby and he tells me to let it go so I do. 
~~Kitt~~
Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.
www.healingwell.com

"If you can't change the world, change your world"

presh
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 8/29/2010 12:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Maybe you should get back in your bed, the last thing you need is not having restored sleep on the couch during this stress.  Designate some things to husband calmly explaining you need his help.  Give him a short checklist maybe 1-2 simple things and make one for your self so he sees you fulfilling your obligations as well.  Then gradually increase the responsiblity checklist.  Those marker write and wash off boards work well.  Men need instruction just like kids.   Also, try to set aside a time for issues and then thats it.  Do not let your day be consumed with others and issues.  Say for example Monday 9-12 I will handle issues and then at 12 its done.  If you didn't get it all done then it will be done on your next scheduled issue date and time.  You are forgetting about the most important person "YOU".  Then set aside a time frame for you and no other issues. You are going to crumble if you don't catch this soon. Been there done that.

wearyRAsufferer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 2329
   Posted 8/29/2010 7:08 PM (GMT -7)   
Ahhh Presh- I try to follow your advice but let me give you a for instance. Wed. night son is a day away from last day late reg for college. At 10 pm after husband is in bed he hits me with this. What are you going to do I ask? Well I don't have enough money. We had a big discussion about the fact that this had been discussed and he had been told how to plan at the beginning of the summer. Told him I know he doesn't want me in his business so after saying something once I butted out. Yeah but you are the one who said I'd be effed if I don't register! (My fault again that his loans become due if he doesn't) Did you ask daddy if we could loan you what you don't have? (He had half) No. He storms off to bed. So now I am not even speaking to my husband- still sleeping on the couch. I leave him a note about the situation. In the AM he says he thinks we should loan him the money. OK so now I almost make myself late for work writing notes on withdrawl x from savings and I made out the checking deposit slip. I didn't have a savings withdrawl slip. I go to work. I get a voice mail that son is up and says he doesn't want to borrow the money I better call home. call home- get son. Fine I say but call and find out how much your loans are going to cost you and be prepared to be on hold for a long time because they are notorious for it and you HAVE to find out. Now he calls back- I'm going to register. Now husband calls- is it the blue slip that you withdrawl with? What do I do with the checking slip? Now I have to go to the bank?! He is screaming. I was ready to go before but now this is a pain in my ass and...I yell into the phone for all my co workers to hear- shame on me- I left the effing notes and slips on the desk-I'm sorry it's inconvenient for you to go to the bank but I'm at effing work! I have a very stressful job and it was a particularly stressful day. I cannot handle stress there and home at the same time.
Meanwhile I got back in the bed- at the very edge last night. My RA is acting up on me and I figured the only person being punished by sleeping on the couch is me. Now my husband thinks everything is hunky dory-NOT! I am so frustrated- you are right I'm going to crumble. Only good thing going for me is I took a weeks vacation that is coming to me this week.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/30/2010 7:01 AM (GMT -7)   
I am sorry to hear you are having this rough time.   I know you are not alone in this position as numerous studies have shown that money is the number one reason why couples argue.
 
I had to learn to set boundaries with my children and my husband as I worked fulltime and my husband worked swing shifts so my children liked to try to call me at work with their last minutes panics.  I firmly set down a rule that I could not receive phone calls at work unless it was urgent and last minute issues that could have been taken care of a week before while I was at home did not count as urgent.  Of course my children would try but I had to  tell them I cannot talk right now and would say good bye. Of course they got angry at me and we would have battles at home but when they would tell me they hated me I would simply respond with " I am sorry to hear you say that but I still love you"
 
When it comes to money issues try getting out a pen and paper and writing down what was decided in your conversations with your son and your husband.  They are both adults and if it is in writing then there is no one to blame when they do not follow through on their responsibilities. You are not a fault for their behavior.  If your son has loans that you have co-signed for then perhaps he could pay you a monthly amount for you to set aside to make this loan payment when it comes do. 
 
I would like to suggest that you  try to sit down with your husband and son and discuss what happened and brainstorm ways to prevent this from repeating again in the future. Blaming each other for money problems will just spill over into arguments in other parts of your life, too.
 
Blessings,
 
Kitt

~~Kitt~~
Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.
www.healingwell.com

"If you can't change the world, change your world"

Fugs
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 358
   Posted 8/30/2010 1:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Communication is important as Kitt said, but I also understand how tough it is when emotions get involved. I don't want to tell you what to do, but maybe it wouldn't be the worst thing if your son misses a semester of school. Then he'll miss out on seeing his friends and fall behind in courses needed to graduate with those friends. I also like the idea of giving children options. For instance, "you can either register and be a full-time student or you can take the semester off and get a job to start paying off your loans. You can't sit around the house doing nothing until Spring registration." He might get a six month or so grace period and so the loans may not be a problem if he misses one semester, but it sounds like the bigger lesson is about his taking personal responsibility. I know it affects you, but he needs to realize that it's his life, his responsibility, and that there are consequences in life to every action good or bad. Maybe if he has a loan due and realizes he can't find a job in this economy and without a degree, he'll be more eager to register in the Spring. You can have him make payments to you from his "half" (even if you decide to give it back to him later). That being said, I know this may not be an easy thing to say to your child.

I too have had a hard time saying no. I always sacrifice my own well-being for the sake of others. I never ask for help, only offer it. I read something in a book once about how people take advantage of people who can't say no. When the person finally does say no, the other person does what they usually do to try to persuade you... for instance making you feel guilty, pressuring you, whatever. In fact they usually will do MORE of the same since you actually said no this time. It's like they up the anty hoping more pressure, more guilt will do the trick. It takes time for the them to realize that you're serious and that they need to make adjustments. That may make it harder on us initially, but we need to stick with it. I know... easier said than done. I'm working on it myself right now with my own family. I wish you well!

wearyRAsufferer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 2329
   Posted 8/30/2010 6:43 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks skitts and fugs for your kind words and suggestions. There is a lot more to my story than my last example. Communication is really bad here and it's just gone on bad for too many years. I think it's too late and I am also not wanting to try anymore. I think I'm past anxiety and I am into depression.
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