Anxiety and confusion at an all time high

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Red_34
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 22057
   Posted 11/29/2012 9:38 PM (GMT -6)   
I don't know why I'm posting this. Maybe I need to just vent, or perhaps reassurance...I dunno.

A little background info: I had an awesome childhood...until the age of 10, that's when my mother died. When she died my father became an alcoholic and he literally ignored me. He would barely talk to me, I guess it hurt him too much because I look too much like my mother. He never did anything with me. Never bought me clothes - not for the lack of money (I had to go to free clothes center with my social worker from school). Basically he neglected me. He never sought help or therapy. So I grew up at first lost and confused, then angry and resentful. I hated my father when I was growing up.

I have two older siblings who are pretty much losers; alcoholics, in and out of prison for a variety of reasons. In fact, much of the time I was growing up I never saw my oldest brother because he was in prison all that time.

So I sort of started mending fences with my dad when I got a little older. I still didn't have much to do with him but at least we were talking. I would see him perhaps 2-3 times a year - mostly on holidays. And during the holidays I would pick up my brothers so they could spend time with our father - they both don't have licenses due to multiple DUI's.

Just recently (about a year) me and my daughter have been going over to his and my Gma's (they live together) house to clean so I've been seeing him more. I basically go there for my Gma and not him. She's 90 and she can't do things like she used to. She's a major sweetheart and I love her to bits!

Now my father's health is failing. He still smokes, he still drinks, he's a hoarder, but yet he has been in out of the hospital due to atrial fibrillation. Except this time he was admitted to the hospital 2 days before Thanksgiving due to pneumonia. I just found out today from my Gma that he's still in the hospital but he is being transferred to another hospital for surgery because they found lesions in his trachea. I guessing cancer but I don't know for sure.

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to get it as that I am so darned frustrated! I am so sick and tired of being the good daughter. Of being the "white sheep" of the family. How can someone love their father and hate them at the same time??? Why am I the one to get shouldered with all the responsibility??? I'm the youngest sibling but yet I have to act as the oldest. I already had to take in my other Gma, to be her caretaker for 5 years because she was legally blind, almost deaf, developed cancer, then Alzheimers, then she eventually passed away. (I loved her to pieces, don't get me wrong!).

My anxiety is at an all time high and feel like pulling my hair out and screaming!

Sorry this is so long but it's been a long time since I have been able to put it all out there. If anyone can understand, it's you guys.
SHERRY
Moderator-Allergies/Asthma and Alzheimer's, Co-moderator-UC
Diagnosed Left sided UC '92 - meds: Colazal, Remicade (6mp discontinued due to neuropathy)*Unable to tolerate ALL mesalamines*, IBS, Diverticuliar Disease, Fibro, Sacroiilitis, Raynauds, OA, PA, Rosacea, Psoriasis, Dry Eye and allergies controlled by Zyrtec and Singular

Scaredy Cat
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 14508
   Posted 11/30/2012 1:00 AM (GMT -6)   
You have every right to feel this way. It does seem to happen this way...there is always the one sibling who shoulders the responsibility for all of the others...when it should be a family project!

Unfortunately, since you have the loving heart and the conscience...your brothers have dropped the ball.  Not only in this situation, but in every aspect of their lives from the sound of it.

There is porbably not a lot that you can do to enlist their help, so you will have to be resourceful in the care of your dad and grandmother.

If you can't take care of them full time...and you probably can't and shouldn't, then you should look into getting help. If your father can afford it, then hire someone part-time. If money is an issue, then delegating some jobs and asking help from his friends, or members of the family church could be a good move?

Take solace in knowing that you are a really good daughter and grand daughter...and you are modeling gracious behavior to your own daughter...the most important job that you can do!

I wish you peace in this situation. Take care of you right now as well! Us 'Sandwich Generation' people have to, with so many things pulling us in so many directions!

Hugs, my friend

S.C.
Moderator:Anxiety/Panic

"Courage is not the abscence of fear, it is feeling afraid and doing it anyway!"

"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles...it empties today of its strength."
Corrie Ten Boom

Panic Syndrome recovery due to CBT

Red_34
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 22057
   Posted 11/30/2012 10:32 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks SC. My oldest brother is just now trying to get his life together. He's big into the church and has been trying to stay away from alcohol, which is daily struggle for him. I've been talking to him more but I still keep my distance from him because I still resent him and I'm disgusted with him because he sexually abused when I was little. But he's been in contact with our father more after my insistence, but there is not much he can do since we live about 60 miles from my father and my brother doesn't have a license. So I feel the burden even more.

I have a HIGHLY dysfunctional family so I feel grateful I made it out with my sanity in check, even though I deal with anxiety now. I have a great support system at home and that helps tremendously but they don't understand.

My dad is a recluse. He has no friends, he doesn't go to church, he barely leaves the house. If he does its to the liquor store. My Gma doesn't go to church anymore and she doesn't really have friends either. My uncles have been going over there to tend to her welfare but they washed their hands of my father.

I just feel so alone in this. Half of me just wants to walk away from all this but my conscience won't let me.
SHERRY
Moderator-Allergies/Asthma and Alzheimer's, Co-moderator-UC
Diagnosed Left sided UC '92 - meds: Colazal, Remicade (6mp discontinued due to neuropathy)*Unable to tolerate ALL mesalamines*, IBS, Diverticuliar Disease, Fibro, Sacroiilitis, Raynauds, OA, PA, Rosacea, Psoriasis, Dry Eye and allergies controlled by Zyrtec and Singular

Scaredy Cat
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 14508
   Posted 11/30/2012 12:28 PM (GMT -6)   
Wow, you have made an amazing recovery from what sounds like a devastating childhood experience.

Some people never make it out of something like that and live in a state of hoplessness. The fact that you have overcome your past and now live a life of purpose and even helping others is a testament to your amazing spirit and strength.

I have to say that it is an honor to know you.:)

I hope that you can find a solution to this current problem that will not only take care of your family...but allow you to stay both well and sane!

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

S.C.
Moderator:Anxiety/Panic

"Courage is not the abscence of fear, it is feeling afraid and doing it anyway!"

"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles...it empties today of its strength."
Corrie Ten Boom

Panic Syndrome recovery due to CBT

Red_34
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 22057
   Posted 12/1/2012 12:11 AM (GMT -6)   
Aww thanks SC, you're such a sweetheart :) But to be honest, I owe my strength and courage to my husband. He dragged me from the depths of depression many years ago and has helped me be the person I am today. Without him, I may very well of been one of those hopeless individuals. I'm still a work in progress tho (obviously or I wouldn't have posted! lol).
SHERRY
Moderator-Allergies/Asthma and Alzheimer's, Co-moderator-UC
Diagnosed Left sided UC '92 - meds: Colazal, Remicade (6mp discontinued due to neuropathy)*Unable to tolerate ALL mesalamines*, IBS, Diverticuliar Disease, Fibro, Sacroiilitis, Raynauds, OA, PA, Rosacea, Psoriasis, Dry Eye and allergies controlled by Zyrtec and Singular

JPE004
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2012
Total Posts : 311
   Posted 12/1/2012 2:23 AM (GMT -6)   
Reading your story proves your an extremely strong woman! I am also the ; white sheep" of the family and am the responsible one who cares too much about everyone else & their issues and the stress of it all manifests itself as anxiety/panic attacks :-( your not alone but I'm glad to hear your husband is so supportive! That's a huge plus! CBT therapy has been helpful for me..just letting things out :-) Take care

Red_34
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 22057
   Posted 12/1/2012 8:45 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks JPE for responding and letting me know I'm not alone in this. My psychologist taught me CBT and I try to implement it most of the time but sometimes the ole anxiety still rears up and bites me in the tush!
SHERRY
Moderator-Allergies/Asthma and Alzheimer's, Co-moderator-UC
Diagnosed Left sided UC '92 - meds: Colazal, Remicade (6mp discontinued due to neuropathy)*Unable to tolerate ALL mesalamines*, IBS, Diverticuliar Disease, Fibro, Sacroiilitis, Raynauds, OA, PA, Rosacea, Psoriasis, Dry Eye and allergies controlled by Zyrtec and Singular
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